Where to put all these kids?! Wwyd?

[MissMooley]

Wasn't sure where to post this to get the most advice.
Basically I'm in a 3 bed house. Me, dds 14 & 19, and ds 11&8.
Currently, dd 14 & 19 have their own rooms, and the boys share. I have a bed in the living room.
It's worked for us nicely, but now I'm due twins in 10 weeks 😂🙈
I have no idea where they're going lol
My options so far are:

1- Scrap having a living room and just make it a full bedroom for me and the twins.

2- make the living room a full bedroom, and move the sofa etc into the outshed, but not sure how that will go in winter, it gets pretty cold and I don't have the money to fully convert it (also a council house, so would need permission I assume?)

That's it. I don't like the idea of having no living room but there's literally no space to have the cots and all the baby stuff in there with my bed and the sofa etc too.

I've considered the girls sharing, but eldest has asd and several mh disorders so can't see that working for her.

Just feel a bit stuck and hoping someone has a magic solution I haven't thought of!

Jane. I have travelled extensively and I honestly think that making crap decisions doesn’t always hit you the way it does in other countries. More child benefits, more support for you. People know this too. And that word vulnerable being thrown around time and time again.

Their current situation which is about to get even worse is probably doing untold damage too!

Your answer is in the second paragraph.
Big families in small houses all shared bedrooms, sofa bed in the living room was a common answer.
Rightly or wrongly it meant no space for pandering to special needs. How that affected those kids I don't know.

I'd have the two girls in one room, freeing up a room for your twins, in fact while they are in cots Id try and share the room with them, once they are in beds you in the living room.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.I think these sort of judgy people seem to love a thread like this! If life was perfect ,we would all marry the perfect guy ,have a great career and home and so on.For most of us life is a series of compromises .Abortion is a huge undertaking for women ,and not one many would enter into lightly.Your idea of sleeping in the lounge is sound IMO.Many people have to make do with less than perfect conditions .Still DC turn out well!

Me - that is what I am saying. The OP seems to think this is funny. All of the children in this situation will become damaged by the OP’s decision making.

The practicalities of the OP’s situation is going to be brutal. I think people are shocked by that.

I think of myself as a capable person, but the idea of coming home with two newborn twins, as a single mother, and caring for them while also trying to feed, care and provide for an autistic 19 yo, 14 yo and two small boys, is unbelievably overwhelming. I don’t even know how you manage the two babies as one person, let alone all the others on really disturbed sleep. And this acts assuming there are no complications. It doesn’t sound like any of the dads are involved based on earlier posts, so I really hope the OP’s parents are up to helping.

Bedroom layouts seem laughable compared to the rest.

I shared a bedroom with 2 sisters. I don't seem to be damaged by it.

Can you get the outhouse/ shed probably converted ?

Women putting down other women... Way to go @CalistoNoSolo ...

You have no idea about her circumstances and why she is pregnant.

Presumably you've never ever made what might be considered a bad decision ever and never ever had to adapt to make the best of things.

Here's a sticker to out on your "Another way I'm perfect chart"...

If you cant move the girls together I would use the living room as your bedroom with the twins. They wont need own bedroom for a number of years and you will need a good place to sleep while caring for twin babies. Are you going to co-sleep? Do you sleep on the sofa at the moment? How big is the kitchen, could you move the sofa in there? Does the living room have a door or is it an open plane style connected to the kitchen or something?

The fact OP’s DD is autistic means there is a high chance she herself is also neurodiverse. Poor executive functioning would explain the choice to get pregnant & continue with a pregnancy despite it being completely impractical in her circumstances and detrimental to her existing children. There should be much more awareness among health & social workers of how women can be affected by these conditions and how to support them eg with leaving bad relationships, contraception etc. Its so unfair to the children being brought into these situations.

Having your tubes ‘tied’ does carry 100% success rate I believe; but only if you have them fully removed, the tubes. Having them segmented and tied means they can rejoin - but having the tubes removed they can’t rejoin? I was offered tube removal when I went for my last c-section (after requesting sterilisation as was my second child and we’re comfortable, I don’t want to be less than comfortable, ever.)

in this case I’d definitely being have my tubes removed.

It's not the immediate sleeping arrangements I'd be most concerned about, I'd be worrying about what you'll do when the twins need beds in a couple of years.

Yes dear. I will immediately reflect and re-educate myself so I stop doing wrongthink.

You have 2 options - bigger house or smaller family.

bigger house - speak to the council this week, particularly given dd1’s diagnosis. You need another room, even if it’s a separate dining room that can be made into a bedroom.

smaller family - can dd1 move out- either a sheltered accommodation/flat nearby or would it be possible for her to move back into her grandparents house?

other option - I think I’ve got it right that the 2 boys have a different dad to the girls (and different again to the twins?), could they go to live with their dad and you have access?

obviously this isn’t ideal but your situation isn’t ideal and it may well be best for the boys to spend more time at their other home.

best option is to get on to the council about a bigger property - this might mean moving area but something has to give, long term that’s probably the best thing to go.

No option but for the girls to share. If the 19 yr old is not typically autistic and managed her exams in granny's crowded house she will have to do it again, I suppose. With a partition. And good headphones. For a few years until she moves out. Or one of the others does.

Don't be ridiculous.
Millions of kids are sharing rooms, kids aren't damaged by not having their own rooms.

They learn to become tolerant of other people and to share. Own rooms for all children is very much a 21st century thing. A couple of generations back people were in tiny houses sharing loos with the neighbours - and accepted it as normal!

I think sharing rooms may be the least of the issues.

@Comii9 No, not physically kicking them out; she tells the council she no longer wants DD living with her (pre agreed with DD of course as we’re not talking about being nasty to DD at all) and that she’ll give her X amount of days before she’s out. I’m sure that’s what my dad did but I’m not 100% sure!

at 19 years old she may want to move out of her overcrowded family home, she may want her own space. I know I did at 19 and my home wasn’t overcrowded, my sister is 20 and has been saving for a house deposit since she was 17, she’s ready now to move out. 19 is an adult and she should be mature enough to cook, clean and pay bills. Provided she has a job at least then there’s no reason why she couldn’t move out if she wanted to.. and if she does want to then OP can ‘help’ by theoretically kicking her out.

but if DD isn’t ready to live in her own space then she’ll need to like it or lump it in a room with her sister.

best option is to get on to the council about a bigger property - this might mean moving area but something has to give, long term that’s probably the best thing to go.

The OP has a five bedroom need, these are as rare as rocking horse poop, and even if one does come up there will be others who have been waiting far longer. Even four beds are few and far between. They were overcrowded before, albeit by one bedroom, and are still in the same property. Quite honestly, there is nothing the council can do, they can't give what they simply do not have.

To be fair though, more than 2 children would be too many for a 3 bed house really so you have had 3 pregnancies more than that.

Practically though, do you have 2 rooms downstairs? Or is your living room the only room other than the kitchen? If you have 2 separate room then that's definitely the best option, if not I agree with just dividing a room for your DDs, their space may be small but that's surely better than you and 2 babies being in the only living space. There are lots of ideas on the pages where people discussed ideas for privacy in uni dorms etc.

I've not read the whole thread but I think the earlier suggestions to convert the outhouse are the most sensible. We looked at getting a shed built as a home office and the electrics were the most expensive bit so if you already have that then it shouldn't be terrible.

What state are the walls & windows in? If they are decent then it may be as simple as an insulated roof. Cost wise we've just paid around £9,000 for a properly insulated conservatory roof as a rough idea of cost, there was a cheaper option to attach insulation panels to the existing plastic roof which I think was about 4-5k. As you said your earnings were too high for support you may qualify for a loan?

I remember one of my friends had an outhouse bedroom growing up and all of us were so jealous as it was like she had her own flat and privacy so it could be a really good treat for your eldest. Definitely discuss with her if you go down this route though as you don't want to her to feel excluded or pushed out.

I sympathise with you OP, logically of course termination would have been the most sensible option but in reality I can't say I could go through with it either, it's not an easy choice at all.

It’s not just the bedroom though is it?
Do you honestly think the OP is going to have time, attention and money that
19 with additional needs
14
11
8
newborn
newborn
will need?

Because I don’t. The middle ones will have to drag themselves up. The 14 year old will have a house full of chaos and disruption during pivotal years of their education and development.

Having the babies is an incredibly selfish decision made by someone who frankly was already overcapacity.

I’d say costing up the outhouse to make it into an extra insulated room is the most practical longer term solution without moving.

You can probably use the living room as a bedroom in the short term but that won’t be so practical once the babies are toddlers and causing chaos and you’ll need a bit of space from them for yourself in the evenings.

Asking the 19yo to move will be tricky due to cost of living for them. I still have my 22yo at home
for that reason so you probably have to factor all children for a while still.