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Original poster

People blaming their upbringing on poor life choices

125 replies

Train007 · 24/03/2023 21:44

I have friends from many backgrounds and a few of us met up today.
Normal problems with adult children and the difference between generations.
what I cannot understand is why young people nowadays think that their problems are caused by their parents!!
Absolutely no parents have made mistakes and I just find it all a big yawn that kids spend their time justifying their own adult mistakes on their parents! …luckily I have not been pounced on by my own children….yet !!

OP posts:
SunshineGeorgie · 24/03/2023 21:45

Like what? Example?

GreyTS · 24/03/2023 21:46

Do you mean blaming their poor life choices on their upbringing? What you wrote makes no sense

RoundLikeaCircle · 24/03/2023 21:47

Erm, hate to break it to you, but there isn’t a parent alive who hasn’t made mistakes and has been the embodiment of perfect parenting🤨

GuevarasBeret · 24/03/2023 21:48

what I find interesting is whether those same parents would be there to take any of the credit/reflected glory of their children’s good choices.
if they are happy enough to take the credit for the good times, surely logic and decency would mean they could acknowledge their role in the bad choices…or is it “not like that”

pizzaHeart · 24/03/2023 21:48

It is a bit tricky to argue as you haven’t got any examples in your post but in general I disagree with you because upbringing affects people’s choices a lot.

name985 · 24/03/2023 21:49

What a ridiculous thing to say. Of course, someone's upbringing has an impact on their life choices. Abuse and neglect leave their mark and absolutely change people.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/03/2023 21:51

Generational trauma is very real.

frozendaisy · 24/03/2023 21:53

Is this a "humble brag".

As in "all my friend's adult children blame them for their present circumstances except my children, my children don't blame me for anything, so that clearly makes me winner parent"

So yes OP you are the winner parent well done you.

frozendaisy · 24/03/2023 21:54

TomatoSandwiches · 24/03/2023 21:51

Generational trauma is very real.

Always was always shall be.

frozendaisy · 24/03/2023 21:55

I never blamed a single of my adult mistakes on my parents.

Pseudonamed · 24/03/2023 22:09

Yes I firmly believe our parents and our childhood environment moulds how we are as adults. Some thrive and some don't but definitely apportion blame to the parents. We do not raise ourselves.

Original poster
Train007 · 24/03/2023 22:20

Am sorry I didn’t make my point clear ,as a sibling of someone who blamed his upbringing on his problems I am just showing solidarity to other parents who have done everything possible to give their kids a good upbringing. Today just meeting up with friends made me realise how fragile relationships can be with children .🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 24/03/2023 22:21

I agree OP numerous examples on here daily.

Goldbar · 24/03/2023 22:29

Not everyone has done everything possible to give their kids a good upbringing, even if they publicly claim to have. You don't always know what went on behind closed doors.

Nimbostratus100 · 24/03/2023 22:35

All parents make mistakes, but if you love your kids and genuinely do your best for them, any sensible adult son or daughter knows that. If they are looking for excuses for their own personal failures, and blame genuinely loving parents, that is unreasonable.

My parents were very hard in some ways, but I realised as a very young adult that they had always thought through what they thought was the best for us, and did it, so yes, some of their decisions were difficult for me when I was 18/19/20, but no, I don't blame them in any way, although I have done things differently with my own.

I am sure I have made many mistakes, but my adult children know that I always did what I thought best, and dont hold anything against me

Fladdermus · 24/03/2023 22:42

I think you need to be really careful about dismissing/minimising a sibling's issues with their upbringing because you don't feel the same.

carrotk1 · 24/03/2023 22:44

Everyone is different - twins will see their upbringing differently based on their personalities.

A family where there was tough love will appear to one twin as what set them up to do well in business, they had an excellent upbringing full of discipline that has served them well.

Another twin with exactly the same upbringing may interpret this as unloving due to their personality and their needs as a result. They may go on to develop issues in line with trying to date those that are quite cold and feel the same unloving relationship they did when they were little, leading to further issues and problems with relationships that can spiral to different aspects of their lives.

Just sayin'...

pointythings · 24/03/2023 22:48

Well, some people shouldn't be parents. My foster son's mum still believes she was a flawless parent. The one good thing she did was leave her husband. The rest of it was her prioritising herself, bringing in men she fancied to her child's detriment - some of them abused him and she colluded. She has no insight into what she did wrong. I am supporting him through the fallout. He doesn't see me as his mum because the concept of mum is a bad thing. I'm his friend, his aunt, his support.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 24/03/2023 22:51

Sometimes peoples problems are because of their parents selfish and foolish choices. Sometimes people dont want to take responsibility for themselves and project onto their parents. Sometimes it is a mix of the two.

WildUnknown · 24/03/2023 22:57

I consider myself to be an adult who is fucked up in many ways due to things that went on when I was a child. Not everyone enjoys the privilege of a stable upbringing with two parents who tried their best

Original poster
Train007 · 24/03/2023 23:08

Ok .Sorry if I have offended…it was a genuine question. Absolutely no offence intended.💕

OP posts:
TedMullins · 24/03/2023 23:11

How many people on here are “staying together for the kids” despite being in dead marriages? At the benign end of the scale you just have parents who are no more than housemates who tolerate each other, on the other end is active abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to be physical - it can be verbal, emotional, or just one parent (in the main, women) living like a second class citizen in her own home to keep the peace with controlling husbands.

They think they’re doing their best for the kids by staying together. They’re not. The kids will of course be affected by the relationships they saw modelled in their formative years. Neglect and abandonment from primary caregivers (and again, this can be purely emotional, physically you could have everything you need) can lead to people developing personality disorders.

Yes, it is an individual’s responsibility to seek help to overcome the effects of their upbringing but that requires insight which people may not have for a variety of reasons - thinking their upbringing was normal, lack of education, coming from a background where talking about feelings was discouraged, etc.

All that is to say, people’s upbringings absolutely do influence who they become as adults and the choices they make. No parent is perfect.

peppermintteagirl · 24/03/2023 23:16

Of course everyone is influenced by their upbringing. Haven't you heard of Adverse Childhood Experiences?

Marchforward · 24/03/2023 23:17

My parents, especially my Dad absolutely did his best to be the best Dad he could, he certainly made significant mistakes due to lack of understanding, skills and insight. They have effected my life but not controlled it. I have used everything I have to parent better but I’m human so it’s not perfect. My Dad’s parenting of me was worlds apart and immensely better than his own abusive upbringing.

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