People blaming their upbringing on poor life choices

[Train007]

I have friends from many backgrounds and a few of us met up today.
Normal problems with adult children and the difference between generations.
what I cannot understand is why young people nowadays think that their problems are caused by their parents!!
Absolutely no parents have made mistakes and I just find it all a big yawn that kids spend their time justifying their own adult mistakes on their parents! …luckily I have not been pounced on by my own children….yet !!

Sad that people think that way putting material things above family. He has had plenty of help.

Sad that people think that way putting material things above family. He has had plenty of help.

Why does he feel like this then? Either he's not had enough help, or enough of your attention and time because it was split between so many children, or some other aspect of it has affected him, otherwise he wouldn't say it had. Presumably you've raised him with values where he does value his family so why do you think he feels this way?

Or he's just one of life's whingers? Or maybe he feels like it's easier to blame the imperfections in his life on his parents to protect a fragile sense of self?

I absolutely blame both my parents especially my mother for my lack of confidence and self esteem and being able to believe in myself I’m good at faking this and my independence is often regarded as a strength it’s more of a coping mechanism

when your parents chooses their own happiness over your safety this is often what a child who grows into an adult is left with

no amount of therapy can fix this the fearful neglected child inside you is part of you

Well I don't know, OP.

Blaming your chronic overspending as an adult on the fact your parents didn't buy you a pony - fair enough.

Chronically underachieving and not being able to form lasting friendships or relationships due to things like being routinely mocked and humiliated; told physical abuse was your fault; sexual abuse didn't happen; being locked in the garden in the dark, barefoot in your nightie in the snow; taunted; told you are worthless and unlovable; never being good enough; parents who intentionally sabotaged you - tbf, that stuff is pretty tricky to get past. Even with therapy.

no amount of therapy can fix this the fearful neglected child inside you is part of you

So true.

i also found that therapy can end up just feeling like you're gaslighting yourself.

That said, they still do have a choice. Many of the very best parents are the ones who had the very worst childhoods, because they were determined to be the complete opposite of their parents

That's what I did.

I am amazed when I see my children's self confidence and self assuredness. It's seeing how different they are than I was at their ages that makes me fully understand how damaged by it all I really was.

I will never achieve some of the things they have. And I'm not talking big things - just little every day things that they take for granted.

Enid Blyton, children's author, had 2 children herself. One recalled a childhood full of delight with a loving mother and the other recalled a very unhappy childhood with a distant mother. Time to shrug. That's life and people are different.

Well obviously they could both be right, if one was the golden child and the other was neglected in their favour.

Honestly it was more to do with sharing limited parental input with so many siblings as well as the financial side, but he still isn't wrong, is he.

Well obviously they could both be right, if one was the golden child and the other was neglected in their favour.

Yep.

Same here. Therapy can help the wounds scab over finally, but it will never get rid of the scars. Or, in the extreme cases, allow you to grow new limbs (metaphorically speaking) when they've all been chopped off.

Well done for surviving it and building a different life. It's not easy.

Yeh, people don't get it really, therapy helps, and has helped me no denying it, but it's not a magic wand. It just helps you deal with the pain, helps you try and over ride the sabotaging behaviours that come naturally to you due to your upbringing (reactivity, lack of resilience, lack of self-belief, inability to stay the course when emotions are high)...

My therapy helped me see things more clearly, which made my parents behaviour less personal, so it feels a bit less personal and therapy has taught me to talk to myself differently. But the issues are still there. My parents still refuse to communicate. They are still who they are. that's the main problem

That new scientist article appears to be about exam results and income as a measure of success and whilst those things might feature in what most of us consider to be success they probably aren’t what people are talking about when they speak about the impact their upbringing has had on their lives.

I had (and still have) wonderful, loving parents who always did what they thought was the best for their children but there are still areas I have realised had a negative impact on me and that I want to do differently for my own children. And actually, if you ask genuine, loving parents if they wished they’d done some things differently then they will all say yes- they might not have been able to do those things at the time for lots of reasons but most of them will have regrets or will at least accept that a different approach could have been better. My children aren’t even teens yet and I know that about my own parenting even up to this point. That’s not to say that everything that goes wrong in their children’s lives is their fault but I’m a bit suspicious of parents who tell you they did everything right always, especially ones whose children don’t see it that way.

On paper my childhood wasn’t just a car crash, it was a multi wreck pile up!

It’s not held me back and I don’t think it’s affected the choices I’ve made.

Well you’re obviously coming from the perspective of someone who would assume that a mother would always treat her children equally. That’s not always the case.

I totally agree with a you @taybert.

The bullish insistence of some people that they wouldn't change a thing often travels hand in hand with an unwillingness to take an objective look at oneself and the effect one has on others.

I've heard it described as an externalising view, as opposed to an internalising one and has the knock on effect of being unable to adjust one's behaviour in response to empathetic understanding and life's lessons. As such it's often seen in those who don't see any truth in generational trauma and parent as they see fit regardless of the consequences.

Well good for you @Littlegoth. Does that make you a better person than someone who had a carcrash childhood which impacted them as an adult?

Or better than someone who has had to reflect long and hard on their actions and whether they are in part due to their carcrash childhood?

Or someone who has needed external help to understand how their own behaviour and beliefs are linked to their carcrash childhood?

Is it a competition? Should people with lasting effects from a traumatic childhood pull themselves together?

Yeh, awareness is KEY, if my parents could show some self awareness that they understand that they hurt me, that would be instant tabula rasa for me. I know I have to find peace in myself with or without their understand, and I'm trying, but I mean, for this relationship, if they could admit that they understood that they'd hurt me then that would soften my heart, I would be able to forgive everything. But because they refuse to try to understand, my priority has to be on protecting myself.

AWARENESS is really at the heart of resolving these issues. Some parents can take responsibility for nothing and won't engage in communication at all. It's just a rigid OUR NARRATIVE IS......... and any attempt to give a bit of feedback is just crushed stone dead with various strategies to keep the adult children in line. Silent treatments, victim narratives, smear campaigns......

I'm interested in how @Littlegoth overcomes a bad childhood. Can you elaborate?
On paper my childhood was ok, mum, dad, one sibling, enough money (not too much but enough) but yet, my dad was secretly teetering on a depression that would have made him unable to go to work and my mum was like a tightly wound weasel, any doubt, hesitancy, fear, pain, anger or sadness I felt was instantly shamed right out of me. When you're not allowed to visibly react to any of your emotions, you do honestly become quite confused about what you're feeling and if you have the right to feel it. And if you have the right to make a decision based on your emotions! That is definitely the part of me that got switched off in my childhood unfortunately. I never felt i had the right to make a decision based merely on my own feelings.
Other people raised in emotionally healthy families have that part switched on with full battery and back up generator!

Some children are brought up in emotionally healthy and supportive families but still go on to make poor choices in life and have endless troubles.

@freckles20 no and I don’t believe I said it did. Sorry that it’s triggered you so badly that you felt the need to attack me over it. I’m nothing to do with your childhood though and how I feel I’ve moved on from mine makes no difference to how you feel about yours.

@xJoy In honesty, I don’t know. I lost myself in books a lot in childhood. Maybe that helped me detach to some extent. So luck and detachment!

Some of the people involved are dead, some are out of sight and out of mind. I definitely identify with what you say about not being allowed to express your feelings. I learned that I had to keep secrets - to some extent I still have to do that. There’s a lot of pretending everything is fine in my family. I found out when I was older that people weren’t as oblivious as I thought they were. I felt let down but I can’t change it and they are gone now too anyway.

My partner’s childhood was a million miles away from mine. It’s taken me a while to unlearn being secretive or lying defensively, and realising I don’t need to. His family are lovely and open. Definitely the other side you mention x

Thank you for your apology. I wasn't triggered or upset by your post. I was asking questions to ascertain whether you felt not being affected by your childhood makes you feel somehow better or stronger than people who have been.

I guess the questions came from my curiosity. I am keen to understand all POV and don't doubt that there are many variations in people's reactions to their childhood all of which are valid and reasonable.

@freckles20 no not at all - like you say experience is personal and subjective. I feel lucky that I am who and how I am in spite of it.

I didn’t say it hadn’t affected me, I said it hadn’t held me back. I have a few friends I’ve known since I was a teenager, and can think of at least 3 who are also multi car pile ups on paper. Some of us have fared better than others. I think some of us have had more opportunities than others have and I think that’s made a difference. Some have been further exploited in adulthood by other people who were supposed to care for them - I wouldn’t describe that as them making a poor life choice or being weak.

Omg I only have one baby (well i do have step kids) but I already worry about what I may or may not get wrong. I’m such a worrier and I’m worried I’ll turn my baby into a worrier too!