People blaming their upbringing on poor life choices

[Train007]

I have friends from many backgrounds and a few of us met up today.
Normal problems with adult children and the difference between generations.
what I cannot understand is why young people nowadays think that their problems are caused by their parents!!
Absolutely no parents have made mistakes and I just find it all a big yawn that kids spend their time justifying their own adult mistakes on their parents! …luckily I have not been pounced on by my own children….yet !!

Some people just don't realise they are doing harm to their children. They don't mean to, it isn't their intention, but it's still valid. Parents try to do their best, but sometimes their best isn't what's best for their children.

As a 64 year old, I can and do blame my mother for some of my choices. I spent 17 years being beaten, belittled, treated as a slave with an occasional display of affection. This did influence who I married.

Our childhoods shape us and whether intentional or not we often act on the basis of those lessons (good or bad).

I think there comes a time that you have to take responsibility for your actions in spite of your childhood but this depends on the issue.

eg it won’t be so easy to stop an addiction that you’ve always lived around (alcohol), but it might be feasible to increase your self-esteem after being bought up knowing you weren’t wanted.

Many folk will also still have parental influence over them until they clear the fog, it doesn’t disappear once you turn 18.

There needs to be a like button for this post.

Have a look at attachment and psychosocial development theories. Interesting propositions which look at your primary care giver and how you are shaped from birth onwards, good and bad.

My upbringing left its mark on me. I’ve had an awful life.

I’ve been repeatedly told that people had it worse that me and have had successful lives, that it’s my fault, that I should have worked harder. On and on that it’s all my fault.

But the fact is, I grew up with no help, no support, no encouragement, on my own all the time and that doesn’t shape a good mind or give you any of the basics for life.

Your title is really confusing and I think you should ask for it to be changed to: People blaming their poor life choices on their upbringing.

Or similar.

My dad was in prison multiple times, cheated on my mum, never paid maintenance, didn't give 2 hoots about me and fathered 4 other kids with 3 different women. So I'll call him a shit parent if I want to, and yes, the fact that I then made poor decisions regarding men in the past is probably due to the fact that I had such a shit male role model.

TW mentions abuse. Well I have really good outcomes, great husband and children and great career, good friends, fab home which I am incredibly grateful for and my parents definitely played a significant part to getting me to this place. But on the other hand I do blame my parents for sweeping incest from a bother in my childhood under the rug as it has caused so my problems for me in terms of my mental health and it has been the determining factor in me estranging from my family because they went along with what my parents have done so there is that.

My siblings are always complaining about my parents and all the mistakes they made etc and how it resulted in us all having problems etc etc.
It really upsets me because I know my parents love us and always tried their best etc.
we were safe, secure , had everything we needed and then more. They still do.

maybe my siblings don’t agree with the way they did everything , and there are probably things I will do differently, but there was nothing wrong in anything they did, I had the best childhood, and I don’t see the need to complain about it all the time. But then again they complain about Everything.

Your writing is very confusing! I assume you mean "blamed his problems on his upbringing".

I think it's natural to reflect on how your parents may have affected your life. I can see how my mother's behaviour adversely affected me, in ways that didn't necessarily impact on my siblings. I also now see how I could have done things differently with my own adult children. But yes, we all make mistakes. Sorry you find it all such a big yawn.

The New Scientist magazine once did an article that showed that parents have very little impact upon their children, as their success is mainly determined by their genes - intelligence, drive, etc. Therapy, however, seeks to find a reason in childhood for behaviour. Hard to prove either way.

I do agree, partly. A few friends still blame their parents when I think they should take responsibility, now. But on mn many posters do come from very abusive families. Some of their posts are shocking, so sad.

It’s always been the case Op, if you ever go to speak to someone professionally you will find that it’s not long until they ask you questions about your upbringing. We have all been affected by our upbringing to some extent - sometimes for good, sometimes for bad, but no one goes entirely unscathed.
I do think it’s the case however that younger people are being taught that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, so they are more likely to share their experiences than people born, say in the 70’s. The focus is very much on your mind matters nowadays so it’s more noticeable.

Where did the OP mention abuse or neglect? Surely she is just talking about people in general, and I can see what she means. Many people these days are quick to blame their parents for their poor life choices, it's just a cop out.

Many of the posters on this thread are highlighting your point OP.

I do think it’s the case however that younger people are being taught that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of

I think you mean mental illness.

Absolutely no parents have made mistakes and I just find it all a big yawn that kids spend their time justifying their own adult mistakes on their parents

How can you claim that 'absolutely no parents have made mistakes'?
All parents have made mistakes.

Not all parents are good parents & many good parents make mistakes.

Yes, more and more evidence points to nature being the determining factor in the game of life. We like to think that nurture plays the greater role because it suits our cultural narrative that you become the person that you want to be - and if you fail to live up to those expectations then we can lay our faults at our parent's feet.

And of course we have entire libraries and self help industries ready to step in and intervene in you great plan for your life, they don't want to have much to do that the foundations for your success outcomes were laid before you were born or that your parents were saddled with the same shitty gene cards that are holding you back.

There's a really good nature versus nurture podcast on triggernometry that's worth a listen with Robert Plomin on the subject that's worth a listen.

Sorry, that was a mangled mess of words, hopefully you can rearrange it to make sense. Off to get a coffee.

The New Scientist magazine once did an article that showed that parents have very little impact upon their children, as their success is mainly determined by their genes

Wouldn't those genes come from the parents largely?

Yes, more and more evidence points to nature being the determining factor in the game of life.

Does that mean things like cultural capital do not matter or that socio economic issues have little impact?

My "success" in the game of life has been getting on the property ladder in London. I only managed this with parental help, same for everyone I know.

The mistakes parents can make vary greatly and impact different indiviudals differently. Siblings can be impacted in different ways as the dynamics and relatiosnhips between a specific parent and specific child are not the same as with the other parent or a sibling.

I wish my parents had been able to understand how their upbringings had impacted them. Both had a just grin and bear it and pull yourself up by your bootsraps / stiff upper lip approach to life. Had they better understand the impact of their childhood traumas - they could have avoided some of the mistakes they made as parents. My parents had good intentions and they are not bad people but their mistakes as parents did impact on me growing up as well. Many therapists make their living from trying to help people understand the patterns and habits and thought processes and actions and reactions they have that stem from their childhood and how they can with work change those.

I think I kinda get what the OP means, although a little clumsily put.
As someone put upthread, there are studies, etc, so the resources are there for people to access, understand, and make changes rather than just accept life is preordained by their upbringing.

Obviously, everyone has different experiences and a lot get less than good starts, but at some point you most people need to take their lives in their own hands. As adults, they have choices. They don't have to repeat parental mistakes. The current trends for navel gazing probably add to the reflection. Changes come from within.