Year 7 child with severe anxiety attending school

[HomeSchoolNovice]

I’m hoping that someone can help me with and tips to help with my DS’s severe anxiety relating to attending high school. He started in September and was ok up to Christmas. He was getting the bus, navigating his way around ok. We had the odd days of him not wanting to attend school but all was ok and manageable. He had one meltdown one night over homework - he had to finish it that night and then just collapsed. We had an awful night with him being so restless and jumpy in his sleep but he was ok the following day.

I have no idea what happened over Christmas but he now cannot get the school bus at all. He has been allowed to go into school early to see if that helps but it hasn’t. We have to coax him out of bed. Sometimes he’s really angry, some times he is so anxious he can’t breathe. He adopts toddler type speaking and flaps his arms around - this is all done Christmas. He’s run away from school a few times. He has to have a teacher come out to get him most mornings as he refuses to get out of the car. A few times he’s locked himself in so they can’t get I’m with him. He is genuinely terrified of something but we can’t work out what. This morning he physically jumped away from his uniform when he saw it and is not putting this on at all. He shakes, can barely speak, hyperventilates etc. the school has been fabulous and he is receiving extra help from the pastoral care team. He has also started CBT to see if that helps.

its affecting the whole family as all the focus is on him every school day. We feel exhausted before 9am and our other DS just has to fend for himself until his brother has gone. However, his report is good and he has a full attendance record with only one late mark. He’s begged to be home schooled but this is a very last resort.

has anyone else been through this and can offer some tips/coping strategies please? His anxiety relates to school only ie the physical school building. He had gone on school trips with no issue at all and has no issue doing his homework. He’s out with friends at the weekend so it’s a very specific trigger that he can’t verbalise to us at the moment.

many thanks

Has no one ever suggested he be assessed for beingND?

how were primary years?

The friends he was with over the weekend… school friends?

I would strongly advise looking into ASD. This is how it started for DD (now 15). Obviously it may not be this as I'm no expert. Only an expert on what our experience has been but it's very similar.

You will get some responses on here saying that people should stop suggesting Autism or ADHD every time there is a post like this and then others like me who it really resonates with because they have experienced it.

It's really hard and there is no easy answer but I would definitely investigate further. Good luck

Nothing really mentioned re ND/ASD but the more I look into possible answers the more likely it seems. Most of friends go to another school now and he is one of very few moved away from them. His main friend he had known since he was 2. First two years in primary he cried most days and then we’ve had Covid. His year 5/6 were ok as was the 1st term
if high school. He mixes with a wide range of children each weekend as he plays football for a team, and goes to football matches quite regularly. It breaks my heart to see him so stressed about school and not know how to help him.

Move schools

Sounds like he's being bullied?

I can’t move schools as they are all oversubscribed. That was a huge issue last March. I also asked if another school would help him and he says no. I’ve asked about bullying but he spends so much time in the nurture room/with pastoral care at breaks. The only time he could be bullied is in class and on the bus. My last resort is home schooling but that will adversely affect his social skills, and he will miss out on so much.

Could be bullying on the bus? Or was bullied before he was spending a lot of time in pastoral? Poor boy, my son is the same age. Year 7 is really tough.

Abandon the bus for a start

What is he like at the end of school?

Yes, we thought the bus might be an issue. He’s dropped off every morning now (very early) and collected most afternoons but tomorrow he has to get the bus I am am carless. I’ll see what he is like. He comes out of school just like a normal year 7. A bit grumpy, can’t remember what’s he’s done but he’s not upset. I try to talk to him but he’s not very open. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing he’s ok - relieved to be out of school or he’s calmed down and has had an ok day.

My autistic DD has found the transition to secondary school hard. Something that is particularly difficult for her are the number of different teachers, some of whom are 'scary', compared to one nurturing teacher at primary. It's harder for her to 'read' people so having lots of different adults to get used to is exhausting and causes a lot of anxiety. Also the noise, busy corridors, PE lessons, struggling to make friends, homework and higher academic demands, lack of regular movement breaks, some unkindness from other pupils, lots of tests, any change in routine. Things that help are having extra support because of her diagnosis, she doesn't always do PE or dance or assembly, teachers are (should be) aware of the kinds of things she struggles with, we chose a smaller school than we could have and they try to inform her in advance of changes to the timetable. She's also allowed fidget toys and ear plugs.

It does sound like it night be worth looking into Autism for your DS and trying to get a better idea of what specifically he's finding most difficult. E.g. does he have sensory issues?

The transition to secondary school can be overwhelming for many children. Too many new people, not knowing the building, meeting new classmates.
If the pastoral care is all it should be, then the school should be putting strategies in place to help him to adjust. A quiet space where he can chill out, or to discuss his worries with a designated adult. I hope he settles in soon.

I’ve been where you are now. Weirdly exactly the same time, my ds started Yr 7 and then didn’t go back to school after Christmas. His anxiety was through the roof and he couldn’t cope with school.

I tried so hard to get him back, would have him sit in the pastoral office but looking back I realise how hard it all was for him and pretty pointless. I decided after an awful day I wasn’t going to put him through that any more and gave him the choice of home schooling for a while.

I didn’t take him off role but told the school he was too unwell to attend and I got help from the local authority. They have a duty to provide an education if students are absent for 15 days (don’t have to be consecutive) for medical reasons and anxiety comes under that. It was a bit of a fight though. I also took him to the dr so that it was documented there too.

He had tutors in maths, English and science through Hospital Education and Reintegration Service (HERS). It’s called different things in different areas, also got a referral to camhs.

They also helped him to get back to a very small school in Yr 10 and I really think that time to get better and grow up a bit more was a huge help. Plus realising he was bored at home. It’s been really hard and he’s now on anti anxiety meds. Some days are still a little tough but forcing things and pushing just didn’t work for him, in fact he lost trust in people and made him retreat more.

He also sees the most brilliant psychiatrist who completely got him and helped me too. She made me see big mainstream education is not for everyone and that’s ok.

Have a look at the not fine in school website and pm me if you want any other help as it can be very lonely. People think you should just tell them to get on with it and that will work, it really doesn’t. I lost friends over it but clearly they’re no real loss to me if that’s their judgement!!

notfineinschool.co.uk

Thank you everyone! @Mydogisweird thats a really interesting suggestion to take him out of school but not unregister him. He spends a lot of time with pastoral care, has passes to leave his class if needed. He did have fidget worms but they have been banned as kids were flicking them at everyone. I’ve noted he draws a lot in his hand/arms with biro, and is very jealous of his brother who is still in primary school and doing well. He relies on his brother to play football in our garden but then gets angry with him when he wants to stop. I do accept his brother knows how to wind him up, but he needs to manage that anger. It’s just so, so hard to see him like this and not know what is causing it, or how to resolve it for him. May be I can’t and we just need to adapt everything until we find what he can cope with. I’m sorry to hear others have been through this but your input is very much appreciated.

Don’t deregister. Parents often find it easier (although not easy) to get support when their DC remain on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend. Crudely you are someone’s ‘problem’, whereas it is easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet if you EHE. Instead, if DS can’t attend the LA must provide alternative arrangements. What other support is the school providing and have you considered applying for an EHCNA?

No, I absolutely won’t de-register him. I had looked at an online high school for him which I would have to pay for. But I don’t mind if it helps his anxiety levels. The school have now referred him to a small counselling group in school for a 6 week course, are allowing him to go in for 8am, have given him a time out pass for space if needed. I’m not sure what else they can do - this is all very new to us! I’ll look into an ECHNA and what I need to do to start the ball rolling.

Can recommend the triple P fear less online course if you haven't already done it

Online schooling can be funded by the LA. Both via s.19 provision, and more comprehensively via an EHCP.

On their website IPSEA have a model letter you can use to request an EHCNA. The benefit of an EHCP is it can funded therapies (e.g. SALT, OT, MH therapies) DS wouldn’t otherwise receive, for a longer period of time/more frequently and without the need to sit on normal waiting lists.

Does the school have anyone that can deliver emotional literacy support, Zones of Regulation, do they have a counsellor/mentor/key worker that can provide 1:1 input (group input is probably not going to work for DS given his level of anxiety)? Have they looked at the sensory environment and making adjustments where necessary e.g. does DS use noise cancelling headphones, they could allow DS to use a fidget toy, placement within the classroom, adaptations to the uniform, planned movement breaks rather than ‘just’ a pass to leave when necessary?

She made me see big mainstream education is not for everyone and that’s ok.
Exactly. The one-size-fits-all approach can be very destructive in education.
I would home school of it were me.

first though is ASD. I work as part of an assessment team for ASD and your post describes most of our year 7 students with EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance).
School is often a traumatic place for autistic students and forcing them to attend, which many of our parents do, only makes the issues much much worse. In many many cases these issues only really appear when students start secondary and often they present quite well at primary school. Also, be aware that schools don't always have a thorough understanding of ASD so they (and your gp) might say all is well and dismiss the possibility of autism.

This was me. I was made to go, told it would get better, had every bribe under the sun.

I was not bullied, I had friends, no incidents as such.. I was gripes by boys but I think it’s unlikely your son is experiencing that perhaps.. or I should hope he would tell you if he was.

In my experience, being forced to go school with such severe anxiety has set me up with incredibly difficult mental health issues for life. I have had CBT as an adult, but it will never be ok. I know in my heart and my gut I will always suffer.

I don’t know what triggered it, but the lack of support and empathy I got was damaging.

I have children now, both not quite school age yet, although my eldest isn’t far off. My plan is to send her to primary school for her to learn about self discipline and routine. As well as get the social aspect. She’ll likely want to go to the secondary school her friends do, that’s fine. But the second she wants out, she’s out. I won’t hesitate to pull her out of school and home educate her. After reading statistics about home exuTed children a mental health if I had it my way I’d home school off the bat, but ultimately I want her to have choice. It’s her education and happiness, not mine. But I will support her 100% in what she wants to do.

no amount of education trump mental health in my opinion.

What I’m saying my is; he’s obviously suffering and needs help. Until he’s got help you should pull him out until he is comfortable to go back, if he wants to go back.

Is home education a possibility?

I’ll have a look at this too. Thank you.

im actually glad I’ve posted this as I’ve had some great suggestions to look into further. My main concern is protecting DS’s mental health surrounding school and from discussions with him he wants to help himself too. We’ve reassured him he’s not naughty, which he thinks he is, and that we’ll all work together to support him.

OP I just want to reiterate you really don’t need to EHE. If attending school isn’t suitable there are other options. The LA must provide provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996. And you can pursue even more provision, including therapies, via EOTAS via an EHCP. EOTAS via an EHCP can provide far more than the vast majority can via EHE.

sorry, I can’t keep up with all the posts when I’m replying. I think I need to sit down and make notes before researching further. I’ve a telephone appt tomorrow now with an on line high school that re-enrolls every term, so not tied in, and I think a proper meeting with the pastoral care team at school is also needed. I am very mindful about his mental health being destroyed as he is clearly very traumatised by something. Honestly, I’m heartbroken for him and it’s negatively affecting our mental health too.