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Original poster

Year 7 child with severe anxiety attending school

91 replies

HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 12:23

I’m hoping that someone can help me with and tips to help with my DS’s severe anxiety relating to attending high school. He started in September and was ok up to Christmas. He was getting the bus, navigating his way around ok. We had the odd days of him not wanting to attend school but all was ok and manageable. He had one meltdown one night over homework - he had to finish it that night and then just collapsed. We had an awful night with him being so restless and jumpy in his sleep but he was ok the following day.

I have no idea what happened over Christmas but he now cannot get the school bus at all. He has been allowed to go into school early to see if that helps but it hasn’t. We have to coax him out of bed. Sometimes he’s really angry, some times he is so anxious he can’t breathe. He adopts toddler type speaking and flaps his arms around - this is all done Christmas. He’s run away from school a few times. He has to have a teacher come out to get him most mornings as he refuses to get out of the car. A few times he’s locked himself in so they can’t get I’m with him. He is genuinely terrified of something but we can’t work out what. This morning he physically jumped away from his uniform when he saw it and is not putting this on at all. He shakes, can barely speak, hyperventilates etc. the school has been fabulous and he is receiving extra help from the pastoral care team. He has also started CBT to see if that helps.

its affecting the whole family as all the focus is on him every school day. We feel exhausted before 9am and our other DS just has to fend for himself until his brother has gone. However, his report is good and he has a full attendance record with only one late mark. He’s begged to be home schooled but this is a very last resort.

has anyone else been through this and can offer some tips/coping strategies please? His anxiety relates to school only ie the physical school building. He had gone on school trips with no issue at all and has no issue doing his homework. He’s out with friends at the weekend so it’s a very specific trigger that he can’t verbalise to us at the moment.

many thanks

OP posts:
Mydogisweird · 20/03/2023 15:17

@4EyesandBigThighs that sounds incredibly hard for you and I’m so sorry that was your experience. It makes me want to give your childhood self a big hug.

I do think for some pushing on and being forced in to things is like mentally being beaten with a big stick. Just because we can’t see the damage doesn’t mean it’s not there. When you’re an anxious person you become quite good at hiding it and then it comes out in other ways, like anger or being withdrawn.

@HomeSchoolNovice before we got tutors through the LA we used Oak national academy which is free.
classroom.thenational.academy

My ds is interested in architecture so we did an outschool class on architectural history learnt via minecraft. It is a bit Americanised but gave him a purpose.
outschool.com

There is lots of stuff out there but it’s just finding it and of course the onus is on you. I was incredibly lucky to be able to work from home or I’m not sure how I would have dealt with it all.

custardbear · 20/03/2023 15:24

My DD did this Christmas of year 8, she was masking ASD. Hit an existential crisis point and started self harming and she's now working at home with the school providing tutors as she's overwhelmed by so many things that trigger her to harm again. We're slowly working out who our child is, as is she
Good luck and definitely join not fine in school on Facebook

KaliforniaDreamz · 20/03/2023 15:30

I am in this boat too. A lot of us are. Just adding this note to say you are not alone. We receive medical tuition for our son as we make the slow, erratic, assent back to wellness. Hopefully.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Secondary education
Original poster
HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 15:44

It’s such a rollercoaster of emotions and events! DS has just come home all happy (perhaps too happy) as he’s had a good day and enjoyed playing table tennis in PE. He’s got out our table top tennis set and is happily practicing for next time. Without telling him, I suggested to his pastoral care lead that on a Monday (his worst day each week unless he has had any other days off) that he starts at 9.30am rather than 8am and they have agreed to his for a 6 week period to see if this helps. I can take him
in for this so we will see where this leaves us. There is a nice cafe over the road from school so I might take him for breakfast to make it a more pleasant morning for him. He is very happy about that and says he thinks it will help. We’ll see!

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 15:52

HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 13:23

Yes, we thought the bus might be an issue. He’s dropped off every morning now (very early) and collected most afternoons but tomorrow he has to get the bus I am am carless. I’ll see what he is like. He comes out of school just like a normal year 7. A bit grumpy, can’t remember what’s he’s done but he’s not upset. I try to talk to him but he’s not very open. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing he’s ok - relieved to be out of school or he’s calmed down and has had an ok day.

ok so he comes out the same as any other teen… a bit grumpy

and all his school reports are good

but it is a struggle to get him out of bed go to school

OP… I absolutely would not Go to HS at this time.

He is a young teen boy who likes his bed and perhaps had a horrible experience on the bus.

I would be driving him in, but I would crack on. Meanwhile put his name on waiting list for another but I suspect that when a space comes available… he won’t want to move!

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 15:53

100% Purdue private assessment though

on way you’ve said… i would put money on ND

Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 15:54

He is very happy about that and says he thinks it will help.

I bet he does!

Just be careful you don’t go too far OP.

bagelbagelbagel · 20/03/2023 15:54

I'd put the balance of my mortgage on this being ASD.

KaliforniaDreamz · 20/03/2023 15:55

My son is def ND but does not score highly enough for official diagnosis so not always a certain.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 20/03/2023 16:05

Does the school have a wellbeing team? This has helped my DS with ASD of the same age and same issues massively! Also lots of input from Occupational Therapy. Did he have an enhanced transition in to High School?

MintTeaAndChocolate · 20/03/2023 16:13

curlykate99 · 20/03/2023 14:42

Can recommend the triple P fear less online course if you haven't already done it

What is this?

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:18

He’s begged to be home schooled but this is a very last resort.

Why are you against it?

Nowillpowerarall · 20/03/2023 16:27

I think you are such a lovely Mum btw.

Original poster
HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 16:42

Yes, we are keeping things on a very tight rein re boundaries and concessions re school. The 8am start is fine, the Monday 9.30am start is only for 6 weeks. It’s not a case of him not wanting to get up. It’s genuine fear and confusion leading to panic attacks and anxiety attacks. It’s awful for him and us. I’m leaving the home school option until the very end just in case we can turn this around but if not we can use this. I work at home so that is fine. If a slightly delayed start one day a week helps I’d rather try that first.

trying to keep up. No advanced transition. No idea why. There are no other high schools in the area to send him to. They are all massively over subscribed which is why he doesn’t go to a closer high school with all his primary class. Last time I checked he was 34th in the list but their pastoral support is nowhere near his current school. I’d rather keep him there and persevere.

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:44

You really need to look into home education or if you can afford it - some private/alternative school. Panic attacks is extreme.

Original poster
HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 16:44

Nowillpowerarall · 20/03/2023 16:27

I think you are such a lovely Mum btw.

Thank you. I really appreciate you saying this as I feel a complete failure that I’m not being able to resolve this. DS came in and gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. He’s happy and safe now.

OP posts:
Nowillpowerarall · 20/03/2023 16:52

You're not, you're doing an amazing job.

KaliforniaDreamz · 20/03/2023 16:59

It is a really tough road and you are doing well.

FloatingBean · 20/03/2023 16:59

JazbayGrapes · 20/03/2023 16:44

You really need to look into home education or if you can afford it - some private/alternative school. Panic attacks is extreme.

OP shouldn’t EHE. EHE relieves the LA of their duty. It is often easier to get support when on a school’s roll even if DC can’t attend. That doesn’t mean OP’s DC has to attend school though. If DC can’t attend school the LA must provide alternative education. And an EHCP can provide far more support, including therapies, than the vast majority of parents can provide via EHE.

FloatingBean · 20/03/2023 16:59

He is a young teen boy who likes his bed…

What OP describes goes far beyond some teens liking their bed and struggling to get up

curlykate99 · 20/03/2023 17:00

MintTeaAndChocolate · 20/03/2023 16:13

What is this?

Show quote history

It's a course about parenting children with anxiety, gives some structured approaches based on CBT but aimed at the way parents respond rather than aimed at the child. Not a silver bullet but there might be helpful things to take from it.

Original poster
HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 17:26

FloatingBean · 20/03/2023 16:59

He is a young teen boy who likes his bed…

What OP describes goes far beyond some teens liking their bed and struggling to get up

Thank you. Unfortunately it does. I wish it didn’t. We wouldn’t be engaging in expensive CBT sessions, looking at an £4K per year online school and risking our jobs to do drop offs and pick ups everyday if he just liked his bed. He is truly suffering - he’s not old enough to act it out this well. We’re doing a countdown now until the Easter holidays where we will get 2 weeks of respite. We’ll see where we are on the 17th April!

OP posts:
Skiphopbump · 20/03/2023 17:43

My DS has ASD. He seemed to cope with secondary but the cracks started to show after Christmas year 7, school said he was doing really well. Then lock down happened and he relaxed as we didn’t push school from home.

Year 8 he started to wobble after a few weeks, again school said he was fine. Another lockdown which we used as a recovery period.

When DS returned just before Easter he was highly anxious, the school started to see it too.

He was utterly broken by the end of the school year, I really regret sending him in once even the school could see how anxious it was making him.

I decided that he wasn’t going back there for year 9, he was to be kept on the register but too unwell to attend.
We didn’t need to do that as we managed to secure a different school, small and nurturing, for DS to start at the start of year 9 - he’s a different child, happy and confident.

Look at a different school/type of setting.
If you secure an EHCP you’ll have more options. Apply yourself rather then waiting for school.

Original poster
HomeSchoolNovice · 20/03/2023 17:51

I think broken is unfortunately the best way to describe what DS is like. It’s awful to witness and have to deal with. We have no private high schools nearby so our only option would be online. PP’s suggestions not to de-register but take him out as sick is a good option. I’m going to monitor his behaviour and responses each day and see how we get on.

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 20/03/2023 17:55

Wouldn’t recommend starting at 9.30

He will be going In late. Remember walking in to class and thirty eyes turn to you and watch you walk to your desk.

I don’t think that’s a good idea personally. Will mark him out.

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