Year 7 child with severe anxiety attending school

[HomeSchoolNovice]

I’m hoping that someone can help me with and tips to help with my DS’s severe anxiety relating to attending high school. He started in September and was ok up to Christmas. He was getting the bus, navigating his way around ok. We had the odd days of him not wanting to attend school but all was ok and manageable. He had one meltdown one night over homework - he had to finish it that night and then just collapsed. We had an awful night with him being so restless and jumpy in his sleep but he was ok the following day.

I have no idea what happened over Christmas but he now cannot get the school bus at all. He has been allowed to go into school early to see if that helps but it hasn’t. We have to coax him out of bed. Sometimes he’s really angry, some times he is so anxious he can’t breathe. He adopts toddler type speaking and flaps his arms around - this is all done Christmas. He’s run away from school a few times. He has to have a teacher come out to get him most mornings as he refuses to get out of the car. A few times he’s locked himself in so they can’t get I’m with him. He is genuinely terrified of something but we can’t work out what. This morning he physically jumped away from his uniform when he saw it and is not putting this on at all. He shakes, can barely speak, hyperventilates etc. the school has been fabulous and he is receiving extra help from the pastoral care team. He has also started CBT to see if that helps.

its affecting the whole family as all the focus is on him every school day. We feel exhausted before 9am and our other DS just has to fend for himself until his brother has gone. However, his report is good and he has a full attendance record with only one late mark. He’s begged to be home schooled but this is a very last resort.

has anyone else been through this and can offer some tips/coping strategies please? His anxiety relates to school only ie the physical school building. He had gone on school trips with no issue at all and has no issue doing his homework. He’s out with friends at the weekend so it’s a very specific trigger that he can’t verbalise to us at the moment.

many thanks

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit If the EHCP was finalised a few weeks ago you are still within the appeals window, and in my opinion you should appeal. It is clear the school cannot meet DD’s needs.

An EHCP can provide therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise receive, more frequently, for longer and without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists. Having in F of the EHCP also means it is enforceable. For example one therapy that can be part of an EHCP that DC wouldn’t otherwise receive is animal assisted therapy.

Don’t focus on the funding, if it is specified and quantified in F it must be provided and can be enforced.

North West but can travel if needed.

@HomeSchoolNovice see if there is anything in here of use:

https://search3.openobjects.com/mediamanager/manchester/fsd/files/anxietybaseddschoolavoidanceemanchesterschoolssguidancedocumenttsept_2021.pdf

Can documentation on his distress be provided and would this help a priority transition to the school his primary class went to? I read the schools are over-subscribed (sorry, English not spoken every day) and the pastoral support is not as good. Being uprooted from friends could have been deeply distressing though, particularly if there were many established friendship groups in the new school. At the weekends, is he playing with friends from the new school or the primary school - this may show where his 'safe' friendship group is.

last night we had a few comments about not wanting to go in, which is a new thing, but this morning he is like a different child. Just a bit grumpy as he’s tired. But he’s up, dressed and happy he got to wake up his brother when it’s usually the other way around. We just can’t figure it out. He’s even agreed to walk in with another child when he gets dropped off in 20 mins rather than having someone come out for him!

The longer this goes on the more it will become the normal.
Seek counselling. A psychiatrist might think that a medication to calm him until he has made good habits and is coping well at attending school might help to ensure that DS doesn't fall behind in school. Anxiety will not be helped by falling further and further behind peers in school work and social development. Being anxious is not fun.

Keep a diary my DD goes up & down but unfortunately the downs are getting more frequent and dominating m, which was what triggered us to make a parental request for EHCP assessment. She’s 11. Over the years I’ve been told repeatedly “she’s fine in school” she’s not … “she’s not autistic..” she is .. you won’t get them to assess her ..”. the LA are now assessing for a EHCP without needing an appeal..yet. Please trust your parental instincts read everything you can IPSEA are helpful. No one helps you voluntarily you have to advocate every step of the way. Expect SENCO & school to mislead/ lie.. Good luck it’s exhausting and impacts everyone in the family unit so get a support network for you too.

My asd dd is exactly the same, the flapping is called stimming and it’s definitely an autism marker, she’s now S3 and still not in school full time, I would suggest speaking to his guidance and your GP, we had to go private for the assessment bc the nhs waiting list is 2 years but it was worth it as it opened up better support for her, good luck x

Yes, definitely keeping a diary! Re friends, he mainly sees his primary friends, but a few others from another school. He mixes well with his football team and seems to be liked by everyone. He’s on his way home now so I’m going to ask him what was different this morning from yesterday morning so we can focus on that. He must be so confused though with what is happening to him, as well as puberty about to hit him. Thank you for all your support and input everyone. It’s so hard being a parent and muddling your way through all the new challenges that pop up.

How are you doing @HomeSchoolNovice we’ve found going back hard going and my DD was so white & pale last night exhausted coping with school. She’s already in only half her lessons and lots of 1:1 /small group support including walking the school Sendco dog which is a lovely respite for her in the school day.

Morning, oh I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to watch someone struggle. We’re on partial lessons too, but no senco dog - what a lovely idea! Animals are very calming, my son has a lovely bond with one of our cats. You’ll find them cuddling when he feels anxious. I really hope you make progress and your DD settles into to high school life very soon.

the issues with my son are still ongoing unfortunately. Monday was awful as expected. We both took him and managed to stop him doing a runner. We went in eventually but cam out happy. He actually got the bus to school one morning and home twice but yesterday he went to catch to bus and instead of getting in it, he came home in floods of tears. It took and hour and half to get him to school, but he got there. He just kept saying ‘help me’ and ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again. It’s heartbreaking. I actually thought we were making progress.

we now have a few disturbed weeks with bank holidays and strike days so no idea how he will get on. We might keep taking him each morning and work on the bus home as that seems to be working ok. He’s done it twice this week with no issue.

He’s also super sensitive to any perceived criticism which is hard to deal with. He’s pushing and shoving his brother quite a lot and when I ask him to stop he says he’s done nothing. One night he was raging and screaming that he hated me. I took both boys out for a day and he ran away when I again told him to stop picking on his brother. Thankfully I could track him down via his phone but he’s very difficult to handle when he thinks he’s being criticised and nothing we do to keep him happy works. The child like speech and actions continue when he is either anxious or realises his behaviour has been poor.

but when he is calm, feels safe, and is happy he is such a lovely boy, so funny and fabulous company. We just need to get over the school gremlins, as the school call them, and I’m so proud he actually managed to use the school bus this week. He has a CBT session this week so we’ll go through the positives and see how we can reinforce the thoughts and feelings that lead to this, so he can try to dig deep and find them again when his anxiety hits. It’s so hard, but we’ll do everything we can to help him.

Oh dear sorry to hear it’s escalating but unfortunately it is the pattern that many 1000s of children follow starting secondary school if the multiple FB groups I’ve joined are to go by sadly. We take our DD in every day now for send breakfast club. It’s a lifesaver as she’s happy with a small group and the lady running it also does forest school / other interventions. We can also get to work on time ish as we miss the rush, then they let her out 10mins early so we have to collect her but it reduces one of the bigger trigger points for her. I just so wish the education system as a whole would recognise that one size doesn’t fit all after all we all go on to choose different jobs to suit our strengths why is there only one narrow choice of mainstream education. I know of a few similar kids who now do inter high online type school but that wouldn’t suit my child at the moment.

I agree that one size definitely doesn’t fit all! My DS would love to be home educated.

I can tell he’s starting to get a little anxious - he’s doing his best to keep everyone happy, lots of apologising, please/thanks yous/if it’s not too much trouble etc. I wonder if something had happened in school re his behaviour and that had triggered all of this? The toddler talk is creeping in ever so slightly but he’s done his homework beautifully and we’ve chatted about his cooking ingredients for tomorrow.

on Friday he was given intricate picture to colour in and he loved it! We’ve bought him the gel pens he used in school and found a book of them at home. I know that’s good for relaxation, and we use nature sounds to calm him too. We are just so lucky with the school support and encouragement, we’ll just make sure he doesn’t over do it this week!

Be very careful with CBT. If the person having it is neurodiverse it will need to be very carefully tailored to their specific sensory/communication profile.

I had CBT a few times over the last 20 years and it failed every time because it was asking too much of me. Turns out I was neurodiverse and I found everything really hard because it was actually really hard, not because I was broken in any way. Living life as an autistic person has made the biggest difference to my mental health.

Thank you. We are exploring all
options and i’m monitoring it all very closely - that’s why I’ve looked at the on line school as a back up option. I’d rather my son be a late bloomer and develop his skills a little later rather than push him now and destroy him. It’s so difficult to know what to do, but I’ll do my best for him whatever that is. He’s happy tonight and his anxiety levels are quite low atm.

The primary to secondary transition can be pretty rough. Was he still into playubg before he went? Secondary really is a more mature environment and can be quite brutal.
Prep schools tend to go to year 8 and then transition to secondary environment. I feel this is much more developmentally appropriate, if only working class children got the luxury of an extended primary environment