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Original poster

Why do some of you put up with it?

94 replies

Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:05

There are so many posts, and particularly today about how badly some men treat their partners. ( yes I know woman treat men badly too).

I just don't understand how so many of you love these men and allow yourself to be treat with such disregard !

OP posts:
cigarettesNalcohol · 19/03/2023 20:07

Because they are trapped... ? Why don't you offer some practical advice to help these women escape the abusive relationship rather than post a judgy comment.

MissyB1 · 19/03/2023 20:07

Mainly low self esteem and lack of self worth/ self belief I imagine. That was me for years in my first marriage - not anymore.

megletthesecond · 19/03/2023 20:08

They're worn out and financially stuck. Spltting up isn't easy or practical for many people.

Grimbelina · 19/03/2023 20:09

Yup, so many threads like this today. So, so sad that so many women are in the thrall of inadequate men. However, it makes me examine my own thoughts and responses to the inequality all around us (and makes me even more determined that things will be better for my daughter).

Original poster
Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:10

cigarettesNalcohol · 19/03/2023 20:07

Because they are trapped... ? Why don't you offer some practical advice to help these women escape the abusive relationship rather than post a judgy comment.

how do you know they are all trapped??? Thats a very judgemental comment in itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:11

megletthesecond · 19/03/2023 20:08

They're worn out and financially stuck. Spltting up isn't easy or practical for many people.

again how do you know that about all !

OP posts:
flowerbob · 19/03/2023 20:12

If they're anything like me, they probably think that it's not that bad. It'd be awful if I left. I'd be a failure if my marriage split up and my DC would be traumatised. He doesn't abuse me or anything.

Never felt so powerful as I have since leaving - earning my own money, paying all my own bills, running my own house and showing my DC that you can be happy on your own. They also spend time with their dad every week so I get time to relax.

Original poster
Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:12

MissyB1 · 19/03/2023 20:07

Mainly low self esteem and lack of self worth/ self belief I imagine. That was me for years in my first marriage - not anymore.

I am pleased for you, hope you have a happy life now xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:17

flowerbob · 19/03/2023 20:12

If they're anything like me, they probably think that it's not that bad. It'd be awful if I left. I'd be a failure if my marriage split up and my DC would be traumatised. He doesn't abuse me or anything.

Never felt so powerful as I have since leaving - earning my own money, paying all my own bills, running my own house and showing my DC that you can be happy on your own. They also spend time with their dad every week so I get time to relax.

Thats good to hear xx

OP posts:
Therewere5inthebed · 19/03/2023 20:30

Conditioning mainly, wearing down of self esteem so that you don’t think you could manage on your own, being unable to afford to live alone, being afraid to prove certain people right, worrying about the children, there are so many reasons.

I’m out of it now and so much happier but all of those reasons and many, many more applied to me.

You never know what’s going on in another’s head or behind closed doors so should never judge.

autumn1610 · 19/03/2023 20:35

Oh there’s loads isnt there and it’s so sad. I’m in the midst of a break up (not my choice) from a guy who treated me so well, 50/50 on house, cooked my tea etc. I should stop reading as you only hear the bad things I suppose but I sit and think Christ is this going to be my life now. There’s some pretty shitty guys out there my eyes are opened

Fairyliz · 19/03/2023 20:42

Personally I think it’s a numbers game. There are some decent men out there, but for every 100 decent women there are probably about 30 decent men so what do you do if you don’t find one?
Lots of women have a biological urge to have children and very few have the finances/resilience to do that alone.
Even if you don’t want children, lots of women don’t earn enough to buy or even rent a decent place on their own. I know in MN world women go out and earn £100k+ but that’s not true in real life.
So what’s the alternative?

Readtopop · 19/03/2023 20:42

Fear of having to sell house and never getting a mortgage again.

fear of dc not knowing their dad - which is often worse when you didn’t know yours .

Dread partner will remarry and your kids will have a step parent. I hated both of mine and infant have no relationship with my dad as he picked step mum over me.

Fear of having no money when life is so expensive .

Worry who would ever take us on with 2/3 kids.

Feel exhausted and worn down and too tired to face the reality of leaving .

often worn down and no confidence

scared

daisydot22 · 19/03/2023 20:46

Because they are weak and pathetic? Is that what you want to hear?

In reality there are lots of reasons. Financial, emotional, logistical. It isn't always easy to make a massive life change especially when children are involved and/or you've been ground down and made to feel worthless and inadequate.

Surely you know this though...?

This feels like a goady thread.

newjobnewstartihope · 19/03/2023 20:55

Ahh golf clap to you OP for having it all figured out

Many people don't leave as quite frankly they've been conditioned for a long long time to believe they don't believe to be treated any better. But as long as you aren't that person why have sympathy hey?

thedogsmum · 19/03/2023 21:11

It's awful that women believe they're trapped by finances, housing etc, and I understand why they think they need to stay, but it's terribly sad.

I find it hard to understand women who insist they love a useless man who treats them and their kids like shit.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 19/03/2023 21:14

I think this will continue to happen until women are paid fairly. We are almost doomed to be reliant on men for money because we get paid less.

AskAwayAgain · 19/03/2023 21:17

Because I did not think it was that bad and that I had to work ay my marriage.

24KaratCucumber · 19/03/2023 21:23

Those living with threat of violence or threats against their kids etc. I understand why they feel trapped. It isn't easy to leave sometimes, can take years.

but some instances I don't get why women stay.
a friend of mine left a 'boring' hard working husband and got with an alcoholic and stayed whilst he spent all their money and didn't lift a finger around the house etc. Apparently she preferred being needed by some one than living with a boring man that just went to work. Bizarre imo.

HospitalitySux · 19/03/2023 21:25

Because we (society) expect this type of behaviour from men and it's largely the accepted norm and therefore many women don't think there's much 'wrong' on a day to day basis and that relationships are give and take and need compromise and work?
And then they do something slightly worse and the drip drip drip becomes a deluge and a woman gets angry and annoyed finally.

I think a better question is why we have such low expectations of men that we question why women put up with it, not why men do it in the first place.

Tinybrother · 19/03/2023 21:25

Why do OPs allow themselves to post threads like this without thinking it through first? They might be able to figure out a few answers for themselves.

illiterato · 19/03/2023 21:27

Because the maths doesn’t work for most couples with children in terms of funding 2 households. I have family members divorcing at the moment. They are relatively well off but it’s still going to be a major adjustment for everyone concerned. The mum feels really bad about the dc having to move to a considerably smaller property in a less nice area.

Also, and fortunately it’s getting less and less, people read the “oh what are men like? They just don’t see dirt/ hear crying- lol” bollox on SM and persuade themselves that it’s normal. Quite possibly they also few up in a household where their mum did most of the heavy lifting for little thanks.

This stuff takes a long time to resolve at society level. Don’t hate the player, hate the game

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 21:27

*I think a better question is why we have such low expectations of men that we question why women put up with it, not why men do it in the first place8

because women do it to. Women can be abusive and cruel too. Christ one was sent to jail last week for some of the worst abuse the judge had seen to her husband

so let’s not play the make believe game only men abuse. And only women put up with it.

illiterato · 19/03/2023 21:28

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 21:27

*I think a better question is why we have such low expectations of men that we question why women put up with it, not why men do it in the first place8

because women do it to. Women can be abusive and cruel too. Christ one was sent to jail last week for some of the worst abuse the judge had seen to her husband

so let’s not play the make believe game only men abuse. And only women put up with it.

Yes but that’s exceptional as I suspect you fully know. The number of women abused by men far far exceeds the number of men abused by women.

CheekyHobson · 19/03/2023 21:29

how do you know they are all trapped??? Thats a very judgemental comment in itself.

It’s the voice of experience speaking, and it makes perfect sense that there’s something significant preventing the women from leaving.

I mean, you recognise that it doesn’t make sense for women to stay in a relationship where they’re being treated badly IF it’s fairly easy for them to leave.

So it stands to reason that if they’re not leaving, there must be some fairly substantial roadblocks that they currently lack the time, energy, resources or know-how to address.

Or, you know, they could be just weak, deluded or stupid. Maybe you think that if you tend to hold a low opinion of people in general.

But more likely they are stuck in false hope, confused and uncertain because their partner’s lies, gaslighting and blame-shifting, scared of losing all their financial security, scared of their partner becoming more violent or abusive if they try to leave, are exhausted and unwell or have been so badly abused all their lives they simply don’t believe better is possible for them.

Very easy to get sit on a high horse and point out that people need to pick themselves up and dust themselves off when you have no experience of being ground into the mud yourself.