Why do some of you put up with it?

[Appleass]

There are so many posts, and particularly today about how badly some men treat their partners. ( yes I know woman treat men badly too).

I just don't understand how so many of you love these men and allow yourself to be treat with such disregard !

I really don’t understand why women have children with these awful men, then have another one or two just in case something might change.

Also, 9/10 times the woman becomes the resident parent so she needs to support herself and arrange childcare. The DF may or may not pay maintenance/ see the dc and if he does probably only at weekends when it’s convenient and doesn’t interfere with his earning potential. It’s a loaded dice.

Finances. Having a family unfairly impacts women's income.

Can you really not think of any reasons why some women stay in awful relationships ? I agree that this is goady.

Its fear of the unknown fear they wont cope on their own. Or things might be even worse on their own. I can see why people wouldn't want to be a single parent.

There’s a million reasons women stay. My own mother stayed for a long time. She had good reasons. You really shouldn’t be so judgey

Do people genuinely not understand why some women struggle to leave? As in you have no idea?

Gaslighting is fucking effective. Maybe this week will be the week he returns to who he used to be ... Maybe this month..... Before you know it you are conditioned to the cycle of abuse and it's incredibly hard to break.

Not a personal experience, but possibly in the theme of the thread. When I was growing up, it seemed to be absolutely essential to have a boyfriend. He could be flaky, violent, abusive, or (rarely)nice, but he had to exist. The concept of being single was a way to cause shock and horror. So, many of my peers accepted being trated like shit as normal because at least they had a boyfriend.
I know that this is absolutely not the case for what we see from many posters now, but it may have been so, had MN been around longer .

Once someone has had enough they leave in the end. But there's so many factors that delay that. These women dream about leaving every single day. So I wouldn't be judging if I were you

I think quite often it's a gradual thing so they don't notice. That gets worse after kids, and once you have kids it's hard to walk away. I wouldn't judge anyone personally

I think for most women in those situations it boils down to their own financial insecurity. All of the families I know where the female partner complains constantly about about their partner, the woman is a SAHM. Whereas the families I know where the woman is working, I don't hear them complaining all the time. The ones that are complaining presumably won't leave because they'd be financially stuck and probably would have to go back to work, and these are people with no education, no recent work experience and so on so the work they'd get would be basically minimum wage. And some of these women are unmarried too so wouldn't have any 'claim' on any of their partner's earnings/pension/house if they split.

This is one of the main reasons I don't want to be a SAHM as I would never want to find myself in that situation. I work and I know I'd manage ok if I ever did want to separate for any reason.

I'm thankfully in a happy and supportive marriage and out earn my husband considerably so in a much stronger position than many, but splitting up would still be immensely difficult financially and logistically, certainly not something I could do lightly nor easily even if I had good reason to, throw in more a unsupportive husband and financial issues and I could certainly see how it would seem impossible.

It's really not difficult to understand.

The OP didn’t actually mention leaving these men in their first post, just questioned why so many women put up with being treat like crap. In relation to today being Mother’s Day there has been loads of posts with upset, disappointed, angry women. So many relationships where women go out of their way for men who are thoughtless and selfish in return.

My suggestion would be to stop bothering. Don’t do the wife work of making the day special for his mum if he can’t be arsed. Don’t help the kids buy him something nice and thoughtful for Father’s Day. Don’t bake or buy a nice cake and get him extravagant presents for his birthday. Treat him as he treats you. Or if you don’t want to do that make it clear you expect the same treatment back.

I agree, it was an uncalled for comment

Sometimes it’s a case of ‘is this a good enough reason to leave?’. Lots of small things, that over time add up to a complete breakdown of the relationship, but as you go along they don’t seem important enough to leave over. All of the disruption to children, financial insecurity, the sheer logistics of divorce/moving house, having to be separated from your children when they are with the ex. Leaving isn’t simple or easy.

It’s quite possible that the families in which you don’t hear the women complaining all the time - it’s not because there’s no abuse or because it’s easier for them to leave financially, but because women in professional classes aren’t supposed to BE in abusive relationships and the men they are often with (also professionals) people wouldn’t believe are abusive. So basically they just don’t talk about it.

Abuse is incredibly isolating, and not just in the sense that abusers tend to actively try and isolate their partners, but for all kinds of other emotional and societal reasons as well.

Being financially independent makes a massive difference to anyone’s situation, of course, but it’s not all there is. And working a professional job does not necessarily give you as much financial security as you need to go it alone - especially if you’ve got children to support.

There’s a lot of stigma around abuse, and the idea that it only happens to women without an education/ career / financial independence is wrongheaded and only serves to add to that stigma. We’ve seen at least two major news stories this year concerning well resourced women in extremely dangerous relationships.

Abuse transcends class, and that goes for its perpetrators as well as its survivors.

Because a lot of relationships get crappy very slowly, with lots of good stuff in between the crap times, so you doubt yourself and think its not that bad. Sometimes we're the last to realise that we're actually in an unfulfilled, and potentially abusive relationship, and we're so far in with kids, houses, money, life etc that it seems impossible to get out. And because most of the people on mumsnet are supportive and very truthful, at some point it clicks that what we're putting up with is actually bollocks, and we don't have to do that anymore. That's my experience anyway.

This is why it's so important to be financially independent

I second all that. It's so easy to stand in judgement and not understand that there are years of breaking someone down going on behind the women who then find themselves stuck/trapped, call it whatever you like.
In my teens I was kick ass, feisty, stood up for everyone who was being picked on, if you'd have told me then I'd end up in a controlling marriage for many years I'd have laughed in your face, but that's exactly where I ended up.

Because why would anyone stay in a situation where they're being abused? Because there's a barrier to them getting out. Financial, lack of support, lack of self belief, lots of reasons. For me it was not realising how bad it was. My father used to hit me & tell me I'm useless. My XP used to rape me & tell me I'm useless.
How would I know any different? I was just a teenager when I met my ex.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Educate yourself.

Because they don’t want to be a single mum? It’s not a walk in the park for everyone I have no family and children with sen, it’s very hard and isolating and if my ex hadn’t have left me not a chance in hell would I have chose to do this alone.

Have you heard of the Gingerbread organisation for single parents? they have been around for decades and are able to help with all sorts of things. their website is www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Money.

It's the root deep down cause.

If you had more money than god then you could just flick the fleas away.

So money OP. That's why people put up with hardship.

Has always been.