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Original poster

Why do some of you put up with it?

94 replies

Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:05

There are so many posts, and particularly today about how badly some men treat their partners. ( yes I know woman treat men badly too).

I just don't understand how so many of you love these men and allow yourself to be treat with such disregard !

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 19/03/2023 23:21

samqueens · 19/03/2023 21:57

It’s quite possible that the families in which you don’t hear the women complaining all the time - it’s not because there’s no abuse or because it’s easier for them to leave financially, but because women in professional classes aren’t supposed to BE in abusive relationships and the men they are often with (also professionals) people wouldn’t believe are abusive. So basically they just don’t talk about it.

Abuse is incredibly isolating, and not just in the sense that abusers tend to actively try and isolate their partners, but for all kinds of other emotional and societal reasons as well.

Being financially independent makes a massive difference to anyone’s situation, of course, but it’s not all there is. And working a professional job does not necessarily give you as much financial security as you need to go it alone - especially if you’ve got children to support.

There’s a lot of stigma around abuse, and the idea that it only happens to women without an education/ career / financial independence is wrongheaded and only serves to add to that stigma. We’ve seen at least two major news stories this year concerning well resourced women in extremely dangerous relationships.

Abuse transcends class, and that goes for its perpetrators as well as its survivors.

Show quote history

Sorry, I fully understand what you're saying. I absolutely wasn't talking about abuse at all though. Just partners that don't contribute fairly. I thought that was what the OP was getting at, not abuse. Of course abuse can happen to anyone at all. I was talking however about the kind of behaviour that is not abusive but just not contributing fairly particularly with regards to domestic labour and child rearing. In my experience this is most likely to be unreal in families where the mother is not also earning and they're much more likely to 'put up with it' as the OP said, because they lack their own financial security.

newyearsresolurion · 20/03/2023 00:21

I'd recommend reading Mel Brown's book

HospitalitySux · 20/03/2023 00:27

Thefriendlyone · 19/03/2023 21:27

*I think a better question is why we have such low expectations of men that we question why women put up with it, not why men do it in the first place8

because women do it to. Women can be abusive and cruel too. Christ one was sent to jail last week for some of the worst abuse the judge had seen to her husband

so let’s not play the make believe game only men abuse. And only women put up with it.

This thread is about why women put up with poor behaviour from men, I posed the question as to why we don't ask why men behave like that in the first place - but the men can never be questioned can they, because the answer to that is 'women do it too' alongside being blamed for putting up with the behaviour from men and that they shouldn't.
Gotta find a way to blame women. Can't expect the men to take any responsibility.

So why do men put up with it? Why don't they get out? Why are they with abusive women? Or should the real question be why are those women abusive in the first place?

mackthepony · 20/03/2023 00:47

Because I don't want to only see my kids 50% of the time? That's what'd happen if we divorced

Whydoievenbother · 20/03/2023 00:57

It creeps up on them, they don't start off like that

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/03/2023 01:02

I've no sympathy. No one is forced to become involved with a loser.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/03/2023 01:06

WeightoftheWorld · 19/03/2023 21:41

I think for most women in those situations it boils down to their own financial insecurity. All of the families I know where the female partner complains constantly about about their partner, the woman is a SAHM. Whereas the families I know where the woman is working, I don't hear them complaining all the time. The ones that are complaining presumably won't leave because they'd be financially stuck and probably would have to go back to work, and these are people with no education, no recent work experience and so on so the work they'd get would be basically minimum wage. And some of these women are unmarried too so wouldn't have any 'claim' on any of their partner's earnings/pension/house if they split.

This is one of the main reasons I don't want to be a SAHM as I would never want to find myself in that situation. I work and I know I'd manage ok if I ever did want to separate for any reason.

Well, maybe if they'd study hard, work hard & establish a career before popping out kids with some rando loser, they would not be economically disadvantaged.

Reliable birth control is readily available.

Brisby · 20/03/2023 01:11

mackthepony · 20/03/2023 00:47

Because I don't want to only see my kids 50% of the time? That's what'd happen if we divorced

So what's the plan? Though it up till the kids are old enough? Don't know how old your kids are but it might be a while.

WandaWonder · 20/03/2023 01:43

It might help if people got to know each other first before going on to have multiple children with them

And also be as self sufficient financially before having kids?

Ihadenough22 · 20/03/2023 01:45

I saw one poster saying here that when she was growing up it was important that you had a boyfriend. I can remember this time as well.
If your bought up to believe that having a boyfriend or getting married is important you don't want to be single. If you grow up in a home where your mother has stayed in a not great situation ie with a lazy man, some one who drinks, gambles ect her daughter could think that this is normal.
Also I know some woman who may have had no interest in school/poor academic results may feel that getting a boyfriend and having a baby at a young age is good idea.
They realise a few years later after having 1or 2 kids that they are doing it all and it not always that easy to end things, walk away and perhaps sort out a new home/school.

Tinybrother · 20/03/2023 06:07

It’s much much easier to blame women than engage brain. People are lazy thinkers.

Acrylicpainter · 20/03/2023 07:00

Some of these replies are awful.

DivorcingEU · 20/03/2023 07:21

There seem to be a number of threads like this in recent times. I try to remind myself that if someone genuinely asks that question then they're very, very lucky person and I'm happy for them. They're so lucky that they can't see why it's even possibly problematic.

I guess in earlier times they'd be the ones asking "Why do women wear short skirts if they don't want men to be turned on by them and not able to control themselves?"

Soopermum1 · 20/03/2023 07:28

Because they're dreading the war that follows and/or the reaction when they tell their partner they're leaving. Can speak from experience on both counts. What I feared would happen did happen. Still worth it though.

Tempone · 20/03/2023 07:32

Because me and my children would be homeless hope that helps. What a smug op.

farfromthecoast · 20/03/2023 07:45

I'm getting so fucking tired of the trolls.

OP, why did you post this if not to upset people?

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 20/03/2023 07:56

Is the OP going to actually contribute anything at all to this thread? 🤔

megletthesecond · 20/03/2023 07:56

I see this with almost all my colleagues. The one who is about to marry a useless man, the one who has separated from a sexist pig but lives under the same roof, the one whose husband won't let her have the heating on, the one whose husband "who doesn't see the dirt".

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 07:59

Grimbelina · 19/03/2023 20:09

Yup, so many threads like this today. So, so sad that so many women are in the thrall of inadequate men. However, it makes me examine my own thoughts and responses to the inequality all around us (and makes me even more determined that things will be better for my daughter).

It’s not really inequality - I’m a man and I’ve had some properly shit (and abusive) partners.
I’ve been mentally, financially and physically abused so to suggest it’s not equal in that women don’t also abuse their partners is completely incorrect.

If you genuinely think otherwise, I hope the weather is nice on whichever planet you’re living on!

Goldenbear · 20/03/2023 08:24

What kind of behaviour are you talking about though as if it is not abuse which you suggest, then maybe it's behaviour they can tolerate or tell them they can't as they communicate with them and don't see themselves as a victim.

My DH does see dirt for instance and his Mum brought him up to do things around the house so he never expects me to do it for him, he is equally fussy about aesthetics and the design of a home as he is an Architect but I don't think he genuinely cares about cleaning out cupboards for instance which I do care about. He is a keen cook but does, in my mind, fulfill the stereotype of the weekend male cook, using every pan in the kitchen which I find unnecessary. He is superb at gifts and getting the children to think about me. He is probably better than me at that. I just think it swings in roundabouts, I mean it is marriage, it is compromise. I do have a good job and my own money and I think that helps with the mutual respect as although he wouldn't admit it, I think that my status got elevated in his mind when I stopped being a SAHM. He is always praising my knowledge in the area I work in and he seems proud of that. It isn't that he didn't respect me as a SAHM but there is definitely something about earning money that stops you being taking for granted I think- the one at home. I am sure now loads of posters will say that their perfect husbands don't need them as SAHMs to have an income to not be taken for granted and I said that to myself but I think it is more an even keel and I want my DD in particular, to see education is not wasted if you are a woman and have children.

itsjustnotok · 20/03/2023 08:32

Appleass · 19/03/2023 20:05

There are so many posts, and particularly today about how badly some men treat their partners. ( yes I know woman treat men badly too).

I just don't understand how so many of you love these men and allow yourself to be treat with such disregard !

I have never been in an abusive relationship, I am fortunate that my DH takes parenting seriously and we share the workload. That said I sat and thought about my options if i did need to leave and I don’t actually know how I would managed both financially and from a work perspective. I would need to move and it would have to be away from the area our DD’s grew up in because rents have gone through the roof. Our entire lives would change and I have nothing to help me make that happen. You make it sound easy. Then there’s the self esteem issues that often go with this. I’ve seen women who are utterly broken but don’t value themselves enough to leave because they have been ground down and made to feel worthless. It’s sad that you can’t see that really OP. It always make me upset to see women asking if behaviour is unreasonable because that tells me that they probably aren’t sure in most cases because their scumbag partner or husband has them convinced they are nothing.

trythisforsize · 20/03/2023 08:35

It's not always about money. We're are conditioned from a young age to form a partnership/relationship with someone. It's very difficult to go against the grain and make yourself purposefully single. It's also very hard to admit to people that your partnership failed - everyone wants to appear to be succeeding.

For me I really wanted to solve it all and make it right. Eventually, with the help of supportive and straight talking friends, I separated and stuck to it. Life as a single mum I absolutely bloody brilliant but I am lucky, I only have 1 child and they are now 13 and I work full time in a flexible job so I am always around if I need to be.

So it's about circumstance, courage, support and practicalities.

JorisBonson · 20/03/2023 08:39

Some great victim blaming going on here, well done everyone!

OffToThatPlace · 20/03/2023 08:43

Cannot afford to leave.

Cannot afford to instruct a divorce solicitor.

No friends or family, or unsupportive friends and family.

Nowhere to go other than the streets.

No job.
Won't leave pets behind.

Worn down, low self confidence, low self esteem.

Any or all of the above.

SeulementUneFois · 20/03/2023 08:45

Me.
Sunk cost fallacy.
Hassle of moving my stuff.
Don't want to be alone - small family 3000 miles away, little support network here due to ...me (my ADHD), and very busy job.
Trauma bonding ...I feel like I love him.

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