Why do some of you put up with it?

[Appleass]

There are so many posts, and particularly today about how badly some men treat their partners. ( yes I know woman treat men badly too).

I just don't understand how so many of you love these men and allow yourself to be treat with such disregard !

The most common responses will be the kids are little or they are trapped. Often I think it's because they don't know what a good relationship looks like. If the dad wasn't around or was a poor role model they learn that as long as he isn't abusive, indifference is ok. It just leads to low standards and the cycle gets repeated.

I also think it can be due to the way you view men and women's roles in society, if you are the type that thinks it's a woman job to cook, clean, look after the kids on top of working whilst men just work then you are going to be more accepting of doing the lions share of everything and have low expectations for him.

I grew up with a great dad, who role modelled a healthy relationship with my mum. They worked on our confidence and self esteem to never settle for less than what we are worth. Not everyone has that kind of upbringing, some people unfortunately will never realise their own self worth. I have a good job that gives me financial security so I could leave a bad situation if I needed to and I know I would have my family's support in terms of help with childcare and emotionally. So many women do not have that making their situation harder.

I do find certain posts hard to stomach when the posters behave as martyrs and continue to put up with shit and make bad choices. Everyone needs a rant now and again but I think it's worthless when they won't take steps to change anything.

Deathbyfluffy I am very sorry that you were a victim of abuse, but where did I suggest that men aren't the victims of abuse?

Do you not understand that there is still a great deal of inequality between men and women and women may be more vulnerable to abuse? Do you actually know the statistics of men killed by women as compared to women killed by men? The number of women as opposed to men in refuges?

When I was in an abusive relationship, there was a very definite inequality in that my partner was significantly bigger and stronger than me.

Also, re-read the post by HospitalitySux above, perhaps that will help (on whatever planet you are on).

I hate these threads. It's so easy to blame the women. "Why does she put up with it?" "Why did she have children with this loser".

Is it really so hard to understand that women have been socialised to accept this shit? The very fact that so many come on here asking if this is okay is a clear sign that they don't even KNOW it's bad. They suspect, they think it is, and eventually, after months and months they post on here. I don't post on here when DH does something inconsiderate or rude becuase I know it's inconsiderate and I don't need someone else to tell me. But for lots of women, that's not the case. They've been programmed to put up with this shit their whole lives.

And then of course, even after they realise it's not okay, leaving is HARD. There's the financial hardship and worry. There's the concern about the impact on the DC. There's fear that the children won't see their dad. Fear that they WILL see their dad and will be treated badly. Fear that the dad will try to gain custody (even though we all know these men don't want custody, it's just another control tactic). There's the worry about how they will do it alone because even if their partner is a twat, at least he does tea on a Tuesday....

And on top of that, they then get to have the stigma of a failed relationship. Which, again, is borne far more by the woman than the man. Even when the man is considered a dick, somehow, the woman is the one who is the one branded with the failed relationship.

So goady threads like this are just another stick to beat these women with. Piss off.

@Appleasswhy aren't you asking why some men treat their partners so badly? Why is that not your question?

Hmm?

Because my childhood taught me that this was what I was meant to put up with. It took me many years to realise I didn't have to. And then it took me even more years to work out how to extricate myself.

I feel sad when I read those posts, it’s easy for me (as someone who has been single for years now and very happy living with my dc and feeling safe happy and free ) to think come on you can do it leave then life will be better ! But I don’t judge because it was once me stuck in a miserable relationship

it can be incredibly hard to leave for many reasons already listed above

This! Misogyny is alive and well.

Because the evil men perpetrating this abuse are great at intermittently love bombing their family and being wonderful for a good chunk of the time, hence convincing everyone they're really a good guy with a bit of a shitty streak, but the sugar outweighs the shit. Until the fine day when it doesn't.

Because it’s what we are used to and expect. I was bullied at school, had what would these days be called abusive parents and was told by every single adult around me that it was my own fault and I was my own worst enemy. When the ex started abusing me all I thought was he’s finally found out what I’m really like and it’s just what I deserve.

Is your head this far up your patronising armchair abuse psychologist arse on everything in life or just things you are certain will never happen to you?

@Whiskeypowers the op asked a question and I answered giving my opinion. I'm aware that people have different circumstances and I alluded to that in my post. As far as I took it she or he wasn't talking about cases where there is serious gaslighting or abuse but more lack of care, consideration or thoughtfulness and why women put up with it.

THIS.

Some people are just naturally more compliant. Though a lot of reasons are money driven and also fear of the unknown.

That's how I interpreted the question, too.

Youre right I wasn't taking about serious abuse, I was referring to lack of care and consideration and thoughtfulness, but I am finding most people on MN always want to twist what you are actually saying just to be abusive.

It’s an altruistic act to make people like you feel good about themselves. That’s why women on here put up with it.

Well, it's working.

@Iamworthit

How are you, brave lady? Hoping that things are starting to work out for you, sending hugs and please update when you feel safe to do so.

A crushed self esteem and a lack of personal financial freedom can negatively affect a woman's choices in life.