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Original poster

Do you lie every day ? Is it normal to lie about minor things regularly?

128 replies

Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 07:59

Do people really lie every day ?

I have ASD and I never lie. To me, things are right or wrong , true or false etc . If I’m asked a question I just answer with the truth as that’s the default setting in my mind. I thought this was normal ?

I’ve realised that maybe it’s not ? People seem to lie all the time ? It’s making me feel SO confused and almost questioning my reality. Is lying actually normal ?

A few examples are :
-a school meeting - what was discussed was then totally different to what was put in the meeting notes ? I had to go back and ask for it to be corrected. It wasn’t genuine mistakes which would have been ok it was things that hadn’t been discussed at all or things that had and my response was recorded as different to what actually happened. Then trying to discuss the meeting and being told a different name of someone present.

-DP - really small constant lies which drive me mad. General conversation stuff. ‘How was your day / what did you have for lunch etc’ type things. He will say he had a good day was based at the office and had a sandwich then the next day will mention having been somewhere different and the team meeting over lunch at a restaurant and doesn’t seem to think it’s weird ?

He will tell me he’s taking my car to work but then I’ll get up and see he took his after all.

He will go out and say he’s going with one friend to a certain location then a week or so later will talk about the night out but it’s a different person at a different place . He went on holiday last year and told me a different city name to the one he went to . He says why’s it’s an issue it was in the same country ? But to me it seems strange ?

There are so many other things just little everyday things . Over and over and it makes me feel like I don’t really know where I am mentally. DP says ‘everyone lies ‘ and that the bigger problem is me always telling the truth to the point of brutal honesty and seeing things so black and white and not in fact his white lies each day

Is this normal ?

OP posts:
feelinglikeanewparent · 18/03/2023 08:01

Nope.

Howtohideasausage · 18/03/2023 08:02

It sounds like your husband has a problem with the truth.

DustyLee123 · 18/03/2023 08:04

I hate lies, so I don’t lie.
My DH tells little white lies (usually to get him out of a situation) but when I realise he’s lied it just makes the situation so much worse.

Beanie567 · 18/03/2023 08:05

Really not normal. Your husband is consistently lying to you. I wonder why? There must be a reason, no one lies continually like that for no reason.

Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:05

I lie a lot in small ways and think most people do. For example, if a friend wears a new outfit & she asks what I think, I will always say it looks nice even if it doesn’t.
If someone asks if they can try a bit of what I ordered in a restaurant and “do I mind?” I will say I don’t mind but actually I do.

illiterato · 18/03/2023 08:05

Well today I already lied to both the kids- lie 1: the internet is off due to a technical fault in the road and lie 2: I don’t know about their Mother’s Day “surprise”. Sometimes I white lie to make other people feel better. I see it as part of the social contract.

them: god I’ve eaten so much crap today
me: me too. I’ve got to stop buying snacks

not going to say “ oh I had a salad and some water”.

Fleur405 · 18/03/2023 08:06

None of that stuff sounds very normal to me

Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:07

illiterato · 18/03/2023 08:05

Well today I already lied to both the kids- lie 1: the internet is off due to a technical fault in the road and lie 2: I don’t know about their Mother’s Day “surprise”. Sometimes I white lie to make other people feel better. I see it as part of the social contract.

them: god I’ve eaten so much crap today
me: me too. I’ve got to stop buying snacks

not going to say “ oh I had a salad and some water”.

Exactly- a lot of lies are to spare someone else’s feelings. We could all be blunt in life but then wouldn’t have many friends 🤔

Suetcrust · 18/03/2023 08:08

Your DH examples are downright lies or maybe being “economical with the truth.”
Liars have to have good memories too so they don’t get caught out by their lies afterwards.

When your DH lied about his sandwich lunch was it because you would have kicked off about a restaurant lunch?
There’s no knowing how a liar’s brain works but you don’t have to be on any kind of spectrum to be frustrated and upset by lies which are proven to be lies further down the line.

It is not normal to consistently lie. That behaviour might stem from childhood? In which case it should have been left behind long ago.

Xrays · 18/03/2023 08:09

People do tell little lies a lot - I have autism as well and I am actually the opposite to you in that I find it easy to lie. I think I’ve masked for so long my whole life trying to fit in I’ve become good at hiding myself. Not sure if that makes sense. But your dh sounds a bit strange 😳😳 he lies way too much than is normal and no wonder it’s confusing you!

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:10

Howtohideasausage · 18/03/2023 08:02

It sounds like your husband has a problem with the truth.

When I ask things like what did you have for lunch and he lied I think surely the first thing when asked that would be the truth what you actually had ? He says not.
Some mornings I’ll ask does he want a coffee and he will say no already had one then say he’s leaving early to get coffee 10 mins later he hasn’t got a memory issue he just says it’s normal to constantly tell ‘white lies’ but it really confuses me.

One say he made dinner and said it was a pasta dish was that ok I said yes sounds nice and it was rice I said ‘ oh it looks lovely but I thought you said pasta ‘ ( he had said 3 times) he said I’m ungrateful and that it’s a problem with me most people wouldn’t have mentioned that

OP posts:
Templebreedy · 18/03/2023 08:11

Your husband seems to have an odd relationship with the truth, but presumably he may have intended to take the other car and changed his mind? That’s not a ‘lie’. As for the minutes, I do know of people who pre-write minutes to reflect what they want the meeting to have discussed and to conclude. Or is it possible your recollection is less than perfect?

You're also failing to account for small white social lies told so as not to hurt feelings, eg ‘Your new haircut suits you’/ ‘I’d love to have coffee, but I have a deadline’/ ‘Dinner was great’.

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:12

Beanie567 · 18/03/2023 08:05

Really not normal. Your husband is consistently lying to you. I wonder why? There must be a reason, no one lies continually like that for no reason.

That’s what I thought and I can’t seem to see a reason it’s not like he’s lying to get out of something it’s very boring everyday things but altogether they are adding up to make me feel like I haven’t got a clue what’s going on one minute to the next if that makes sense

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:13

Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:10

When I ask things like what did you have for lunch and he lied I think surely the first thing when asked that would be the truth what you actually had ? He says not.
Some mornings I’ll ask does he want a coffee and he will say no already had one then say he’s leaving early to get coffee 10 mins later he hasn’t got a memory issue he just says it’s normal to constantly tell ‘white lies’ but it really confuses me.

One say he made dinner and said it was a pasta dish was that ok I said yes sounds nice and it was rice I said ‘ oh it looks lovely but I thought you said pasta ‘ ( he had said 3 times) he said I’m ungrateful and that it’s a problem with me most people wouldn’t have mentioned that

Show quote history

He sounds weird and his lies are not social lies to save peoples feelings but lies for no apparent reason which would be confusing for anyone.

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:13

Templebreedy · 18/03/2023 08:11

Your husband seems to have an odd relationship with the truth, but presumably he may have intended to take the other car and changed his mind? That’s not a ‘lie’. As for the minutes, I do know of people who pre-write minutes to reflect what they want the meeting to have discussed and to conclude. Or is it possible your recollection is less than perfect?

You're also failing to account for small white social lies told so as not to hurt feelings, eg ‘Your new haircut suits you’/ ‘I’d love to have coffee, but I have a deadline’/ ‘Dinner was great’.

No they had put down the wrong people in the meeting and factual inaccuracies. They made notes at the time so wasnt done before

I think because of how DP is I’m hyper aware of it more than ever so when i read it I got it corrected

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 18/03/2023 08:14

He will tell me he’s taking my car to work but then I’ll get up and see he took his after all.

I don't count this as a lie really, maybe he changes his mind?

The other stuff - saying he was going to a different city etc, is weird I think. I don't know why anyone would tell that lie.

Generally, yes I probably lie relatively often. But harmless stuff, eg if a colleague asks about my weekend, I might lie but would consider that just privacy as there are some things I wouldn't necessarily want to share.

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:14

Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:13

He sounds weird and his lies are not social lies to save peoples feelings but lies for no apparent reason which would be confusing for anyone.

Show quote history

That’s what is making me so confused but he says it’s me and my ASD because I apparently don’t understand the concept of lying or understand that everyone lies and it’s normal

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:15

Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:14

That’s what is making me so confused but he says it’s me and my ASD because I apparently don’t understand the concept of lying or understand that everyone lies and it’s normal

Show quote history

I think most people do lie but not in the way he lies. His lies seem pointless.

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:16

WeWereInParis · 18/03/2023 08:14

He will tell me he’s taking my car to work but then I’ll get up and see he took his after all.

I don't count this as a lie really, maybe he changes his mind?

The other stuff - saying he was going to a different city etc, is weird I think. I don't know why anyone would tell that lie.

Generally, yes I probably lie relatively often. But harmless stuff, eg if a colleague asks about my weekend, I might lie but would consider that just privacy as there are some things I wouldn't necessarily want to share.

But him taking my car means I have to move my things I have for work out of the car and he reminds me that he’s taking mine over and over and then doesn’t

OP posts:
Mix56 · 18/03/2023 08:16

Your H telling you the wrong town, or the wrong friend is not acceptable.
Its a fully blown giant untruth.
You cannot live unable to trust he is doing what he has announced

Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:17

Twiglets1 · 18/03/2023 08:15

I think most people do lie but not in the way he lies. His lies seem pointless.

Show quote history

That’s why I’m at the point of being totally confused as it’s so pointless that I say to him why not just tell the truth ? He then turns it back on me and I honestly feel like I’m starting to doubt what day of the week it is sometimes as he’s making me feel so strange as I don’t know what’s true or not day to day with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitjustathing · 18/03/2023 08:19

Mix56 · 18/03/2023 08:16

Your H telling you the wrong town, or the wrong friend is not acceptable.
Its a fully blown giant untruth.
You cannot live unable to trust he is doing what he has announced

Half the time as well it’s unnecessary information as I wouldn’t ask or need to know and he volunteers the information then shortly after tells the truth and is annoyed if I say anything

OP posts:
PurpleParrotfish · 18/03/2023 08:19

It’s not normal to tell so many pointless lies, and it must be upsetting to live with someone like that.

Normal would be white lies when needed to spare someone’s feelings and maybe the odd ‘getting out of trouble’ lie, e.g. if you asked him to pick up something at the shops and he forgot and told you it was out of stock. Not great, but understandable as a very occasional thing. Not every day!

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 18/03/2023 08:20

I have never lied in my life. 😇

Oh bugger, I think I've just started... 😯

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 08:24

The way your partner lies to you is in no way normal and it's a massive red flag. You simply can't trust him.

Him telling you he's in one city yet really in another is a HUGE lie. He's gaslighting you when he says this is all normal. It's not.

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