Do you lie every day ? Is it normal to lie about minor things regularly?

[Isitjustathing]

Do people really lie every day ?

I have ASD and I never lie. To me, things are right or wrong , true or false etc . If I’m asked a question I just answer with the truth as that’s the default setting in my mind. I thought this was normal ?

I’ve realised that maybe it’s not ? People seem to lie all the time ? It’s making me feel SO confused and almost questioning my reality. Is lying actually normal ?

A few examples are :
-a school meeting - what was discussed was then totally different to what was put in the meeting notes ? I had to go back and ask for it to be corrected. It wasn’t genuine mistakes which would have been ok it was things that hadn’t been discussed at all or things that had and my response was recorded as different to what actually happened. Then trying to discuss the meeting and being told a different name of someone present.

-DP - really small constant lies which drive me mad. General conversation stuff. ‘How was your day / what did you have for lunch etc’ type things. He will say he had a good day was based at the office and had a sandwich then the next day will mention having been somewhere different and the team meeting over lunch at a restaurant and doesn’t seem to think it’s weird ?

He will tell me he’s taking my car to work but then I’ll get up and see he took his after all.

He will go out and say he’s going with one friend to a certain location then a week or so later will talk about the night out but it’s a different person at a different place . He went on holiday last year and told me a different city name to the one he went to . He says why’s it’s an issue it was in the same country ? But to me it seems strange ?

There are so many other things just little everyday things . Over and over and it makes me feel like I don’t really know where I am mentally. DP says ‘everyone lies ‘ and that the bigger problem is me always telling the truth to the point of brutal honesty and seeing things so black and white and not in fact his white lies each day

Is this normal ?

I don’t think your husband sounds very nice @Isitjustathing - sorry to say. It is particularly unkind of him to use your ASD against you.
His constant lying isn’t your fault and you are right to question it. Anyone would be upset in your situation. Personally I would be wondering if this relationship had a long future.

He’s away this weekend and I feel like when he’s back I just won’t bother to even ask him anything because what’s the point

Agreed. What’s the point if he is just going to lie and maybe even enjoy your confusion. I would switch off emotionally from someone who treated me like this.

Your H lies are not normal & to me sound like he's exploiting the fact that you don't / can't lie, to cause you emotional distress.

He doesn't sound like a good person, at all.

Other 'white lies' are different; I try hard to not to lie, even then. I prefer to be honest with people when I can - so when I compliment people I mean it genuinely, and if asked for an opinion, I'll try to be honest. It's not always possible or right - if being honest (in a low-stakes situation) is going to cause hurt or upset, then it's not right.

In the sector I work, it's very common to bullshit eg about poorly performing staff. I have had a number of direct reports that have behaved really badly / poor work. Although we have followed a disciplinary process, there has been an absence of straight talking, as the organisation seeks to protect itself. I find this hard and think it doesn't ultimately serve the individual or the organisation.

No people don't lie daily.

The question 'how was your day' can be confuse as a lot of peoples standard response will be 'yeah it was fine'. To lie about where you were, and what you had for lunch is very odd. I don't know many people that would lie about that without having an ulterior or motive.

I think I only lie either to save people’s feelings or to cover my own crapness, but in a harmless way I think. Eg DH will say ‘we need to take DS to football later’ and I’ll say ‘yes’ like I’d remembered when I hadn’t yet.

Making stuff up about lunch would give me the creeps tbh.

I lie all the time.

Or do I?

Your husband is not normal and don't let him try and convince you that people lie about where they went on holiday or what they had for lunch, they really, really dont

The meeting minutes is a different thing, not what I'd call a lie, could be incompetence or wishing to reflect a different position

Although it’s hard for me to understand why anyone lies at all I do know that it’s probably a ‘normal’ response in NT people to lie for example to get out of trouble ? I wouldn’t do it but I can see why people might but I just can’t understand the totally pointless lies ? It’s confusing me so much

I think I was hyper aware about the minutes from the meeting as I’ve almost got paranoid about lies in general now

Does your dp have autism too?

High functioning autism in adults can vary in how it presents.

He may have grown up trying to mask his autism/hide his true self from others and has got into the habit of impulsively lying without considering the consequences.

People with autism are quite able to lie- however rarely understand the concept of lying
A):to lubricate social interaction/ to avoid hurt feelings
B) to cover up a misbehaviour or to deceive for their own gain

They are incapable of maintaining the lie so it becomes obvious when they lie but difficult to break the “knee jerk’ lying cycle particularly when questioned or feeling pressured.

People absolutely do lie daily, but in the majority of cases it's because of social niceties or it's completely harmless. You might say someone's new baby is cute when it actually looks like Phil Mitchell or that their new bag is nice but you really think it's ugly. Or if you get home at the end of the day and someone asks if you've had a good day and you say yes because you don't want to talk about it being shitty.

I think the thing about the car with you could easily be a change of mind at the last minute and isn't that big of a deal but your DH does seem to be economical with the truth for no apparent reason. Not because he's changed his mind or he's just trying to be nice to someone. ASD aside, that would be hard to tolerate long term I think.

No, this isn’t “normal lying”. Yes, I do probably lie every day, since if I spoke the absolute truth I’d probably upset everyone.

Eg my mate is rather fat. We went to the cinema yesterday, she bought a huge pot of sugary popcorn and a pick and mix. she said to me “oh I suppose I shouldn’t, haha.” Now If I were truthful, I’d say “yes! stop! You shouldn’t eat that”. Instead I laughed, since telling her the truth would not be socially appropriate. She’d already bought the stuff and it’s her body. I’d upset her and it’s none of my business. Plus, she KNOWS she shouldn’t eat it, she even said so! (Whereas my autistic mum, who says exactly what she thinks, HAS told my overweight mate that she ought to go to weight watchers, since this is what my mum thinks... ug!)

on the other hand, the million pointless lies your husband tells, plus the way he says you don’t understand because of your autism, makes me think he’s a gaslighting manipulator. This really isn’t normal. It’s also unkind, since it’s making you doubt your own mind.

I’d also say there are those who tell dangerous lies too. And get off on it (ie find it exciting)— dangerous lies include conducting an affair behind partner’s back, exploiting the system, kleptomania, fraud, etc. I wonder if your husband gets the same sort of thrill from his weird “harmless” lies?

I keep getting the horrible feeling that it could be a game . I’m really not sure anymore if I can continue to put up with it

Not as far as I’m aware and I really don’t think he has . I could be wrong but he has never had any difficulties. Except his lies

Yes people lie regularly (and I include myself in that).

No, the type of lies your partner tells you are not normal and, having previously dated someone who lied a lot, in a similar way to your partner , i would dump someone at the first sign of that kind of behaviour again.

Incompetence? Lost their notes and made stuff up? I know the accuracy of our minutes depends on who’s taking them.

It’s a bit strange that you’ve jumped to the conclusion that minutes containing inaccuracies are a ‘lie’. I’ve corrected numerous sets of minutes that represent me as being absent when present or vice versa, or to have said something I didn’t, and it’s very rare at meetings there are no corrections/inserts at all — that’s why they’re being reviewed, after all.

But unless you can identify some advantage to someone by falsifying aspects of the minutes, I think ‘lying’ is a big stretch.

That’s understandable.
I hope this thread has at least given you confidence that he has a problem which he is trying to make your problem.
I wouldn’t want to stay with someone like his long term.

Who else do you have in real life that you have proper conversations with, OP?

It sounds to me like you need a “normal” comparison. It’s definitely not normal to have a conversation with someone about where they’ve been, what they’ve had for lunch etc and not know at the end if any of it was true. Do you have any friends who can be a kind of reference point for you on this? So that you can reassure yourself what these conversations should be like?

Separately I can that you both come across as odd

But if my husband says he I'd going to one supermarket and goes to another (my own example) I don't see it as a lie just has his reasons

I may have told him something I was going to do then changed my mind and done something different, no intention to lie

But if I feel I am being interrogated I will make up something

Maybe one thing is happening with you and him because the other is doing something 'odd' first?

It feels like his lies are causing you either more work or more mental work.

This level of lies is not normal no. What are you going to do about it though?

I agree with this. There is a general pattern of dishonesty in his behaviour, about everything from small things to big things. It's not normal, and no one I know does this.

I’m not sure. I feel like I’m just getting my thoughts together . For too long I’ve believed its me that’s the issue and the last few weeks I’ve felt that actually it’s not and then posting here has made me feel even more so that it’s not me. I’m going to have to have a think. I don’t feel like it’s going to last though I’m not happy and i definitely don’t feel secure

No. It isn’t normal. Weak people lie, all the time, to get out of conversations they’d rather not have and to manipulate this around them into doing what they want.

Strong people almost never lie.

Personally, I only lie when under pressure from someone I consider potentially threatening (eg to placate a random angry man). It isn’t a ASD thing it’s a strong person thing.

Haven’t read the full thread.

Your partner sounds odd and sinister, and it sounds like he’s gaslighting you.

On the minutes, perhaps they couldn’t follow the conversation, or they accidentally blanked out of listening, and instead of coming clean, they made up what they thought was probably said. Or it could have been deliberately trying to avoid taking a particular action.