Do you lie every day ? Is it normal to lie about minor things regularly?

[Isitjustathing]

Do people really lie every day ?

I have ASD and I never lie. To me, things are right or wrong , true or false etc . If I’m asked a question I just answer with the truth as that’s the default setting in my mind. I thought this was normal ?

I’ve realised that maybe it’s not ? People seem to lie all the time ? It’s making me feel SO confused and almost questioning my reality. Is lying actually normal ?

A few examples are :
-a school meeting - what was discussed was then totally different to what was put in the meeting notes ? I had to go back and ask for it to be corrected. It wasn’t genuine mistakes which would have been ok it was things that hadn’t been discussed at all or things that had and my response was recorded as different to what actually happened. Then trying to discuss the meeting and being told a different name of someone present.

-DP - really small constant lies which drive me mad. General conversation stuff. ‘How was your day / what did you have for lunch etc’ type things. He will say he had a good day was based at the office and had a sandwich then the next day will mention having been somewhere different and the team meeting over lunch at a restaurant and doesn’t seem to think it’s weird ?

He will tell me he’s taking my car to work but then I’ll get up and see he took his after all.

He will go out and say he’s going with one friend to a certain location then a week or so later will talk about the night out but it’s a different person at a different place . He went on holiday last year and told me a different city name to the one he went to . He says why’s it’s an issue it was in the same country ? But to me it seems strange ?

There are so many other things just little everyday things . Over and over and it makes me feel like I don’t really know where I am mentally. DP says ‘everyone lies ‘ and that the bigger problem is me always telling the truth to the point of brutal honesty and seeing things so black and white and not in fact his white lies each day

Is this normal ?

If your husband says dinner is pasta and actually it’s rice….this, along with your other examples, suggests that he is swimming in a sea of chaos in his head and says the first thing that springs to mind. Maybe his head is a total jumble of vagueness and he is in denial about it and thinks everyone is in the same state.
he sounds as though he needs help.

Dare I ask how the die hard truth sayers on here would react if a 5 year old asked about Father Christmas ? 😬

I tell little lies all the time but not like your husband.

MIL the dinner of boiled to oblivion vegetables and dry meat was delicious thank you.
Your new hair cut suits you.
I am interested in some tedious shit you are crapping on about DD.

Disagree about the pasta/rice thing. I told my family we were having egg noodles and chicken for tea, realised the noodles were out of date when in the kitchen and served up rice instead.

I don’t think my head is a sea of chaos, no one has suggested I need help 😂

@Dressinggownday I would say something like "it's a nice dress for a wedding" or similar. There are ways to get around it without telling lies.

I wouldn't know whether their family member had suffered so I would say "I really hope they didn't".

I genuinely don't agree with lying and won't do it. It is straight forward to me.

I don't celebrate Christmas now though but when I did, I never taught my kids about Santa. They knew from day 1 he wasn't real and that he was just a Christmas character.

Hmm, I think you might be fudging things more than you admit if you say things like 'it's a nice dress for a wedding' when you don't like the dress at all😉
In my second example I asked what you would say if you did think something, not what you'd say if you didn't know, so you haven't really answered that question.

@Dressinggownday It's not lying though, it may be a nice dress for a wedding in some peoples opinion (just not one I would choose).

I would say that we are probably best not talking about it and try and remember their loved one when they were well.

If that works for you and makes you feel comfortable. It’s rather rigid I think, a bit like when you ask a Magic 8 ball and it replies: “sources indicate yes” “not certain” and such like

It doesn’t explain why you consider Any lie abhorrent, or frown on those who use white lies without malice or intent.

@SmileyClare My main reasons are down to my religious beliefs. But I was also brought up to not tell lies.

I think from your answers that we both agree that lying isn't good, but hurting people unnecessarily isn’t good either and sometimes you do have to fudge the truth a bit to avoid the latter. What you actually say and whether you judge that as lying or white lies or whatever is somewhat subjective.

@Dressinggownday not really, a lie is something that is not the truth, it's not really subjective. And I would never want to upset anyone so there are other ways to go about things. Don't have to lie to have tact.

I lie about small things like I told my mil yesterday that it was no bother at all to visit her in hospital when really is was difficult to fit into my day and traffic and parking were a nightmare. I wouldn't tell people I was going to Barcelona on holiday when I was really going to Mardrid though unless I was trying to hide something.

I might say I'm making pasta for dinner tonight then not feel like it/not have the right stuff in etc but I wouldn't have been lying at the time, I just changed ny mind. Same with things like I'm going to walk the dogs in the woods but decide on the spur if the moment to go to the beach instead. If someone asked me afterwards though where I went I would tell the truth. Although I had sepsis a while back and my head is still like a sieve sometimes and I can't remember what I did yesterday or whenever and I might lie and say I did x or y to try and cover up the fact that I feel like an idiot for not remembering.

It seems like your husband just likes fucking with you tbh.

Templebreedy · Today 08:11

As for the minutes, I do know of people who pre-write minutes to reflect what they want the meeting to have discussed and to conclude. Or is it possible your recollection is less than perfect?

How is it possible to pre-write minutes? It isn't, it's falsifying things in advance and the opposite of taking minutes. Minutes are a contemporary record of what is said.

You ask if the OP's memory is faulty, immediately after saying that you know people who deliberately falsify the minutes of meetings. Can you see the disconnected logic, which you are using?

Its difficult to shift views drummed into you as a child.

My honest opinion? I don’t agree with indoctrination of children into religion and achieving compliance using the fear of god or evil. There is no proof of religious beliefs being true fact nor should they be presented as truth.

My tactful opinion? I respect your views and your beliefs, thanks for replying x

@SmileyClare I became properly religious as an adult.

You see I think you can also lie by omission, and that misleading someone deliberately is also a form of lying. By eg saying things like 'it's a nice dress for a wedding' to deliberately lead someone to believe you like their choice of wedding outfit when you don't. I agree that it's necessary to spare their feelings btw. But that's what I mean by subjective. I think you are being a little dishonest when you're say those things (albeit for very honourable reasons), but you don't agree it seems.

@Dressinggownday That was the first thing that came to mind but if I'm honest I don't know what I would say as no one has ever come up to me and asked me something like that before 😁

I don’t think it’s helpful to label all lies abhorrent (really? telling someone they look nice when they don’t is ‘abhorrent’?) isn’t very helpful in the context of the op’s query, which is all about understanding the extent to which of her Dh’s untruths are ‘normal’.

Even if you personally don’t agree with any lying, the point here is that there is a yawning gulf between well-intentioned white lies and lying so consistently that your partner has to doubt every word you utter as well as the honesty of everyone around them and simultaneously wonders if they’re the one who doesn’t ‘get’ it.

Even if you personally don’t agree with any lying, the point here is that there is a yawning gulf between well-intentioned white lies and lying so consistently that your partner has to doubt every word you utter as well as the honesty of everyone around them and simultaneously wonders if they’re the one who doesn’t ‘get’ it.

Yes. Of course.
There are two sides to a story though and we have but one. Does the OP have problems with people other than her DP telling lies? Obviously with the school, but anyone else? She has been asked this a number of times now and hasn't anwered, except her OP did mention issues with 'people' lying.

So it's hard to get a true picture of what's going on. Does her DP casuallly or compulsively lie? This is entirely possible of course.

Or is the literal thinking/ black and white thinking that is common in autistic peopke holding him to an impossibly high standard? Also possible. As mentioned upthread I live with someone with asd/ocd and have to lie to make life simpler for them and me. I hate it but it is on occasion necessary to avoid anxiety etc.

Some of the examples the OP mentions are odd (wrong city), some seem commonplace and I wouldn't consider them lies, just change of plans/forgetfulness/mistakes (pasta vs rice as an example).

So I don't know, really need more information.

No that's not normal

Sounds like a pathological liar to me, he is gaslighting you

These are "white lies" to make people feel better.

Your husband is a liar op. That's different.

He sounds a bit as though he may be gaslighting you op.

How old are you? How long have you been married?