Mothers' day if your mum has died

[silverycurtains]

My mum died two years ago and this year it's the second anniversary of her sudden death on mothers' day itself. 😬

It's still sometimes hard to believe she's not here but as we were so close I know she wouldn't want us to be sad, so I have tried to reframe mothers' day as a 'celebration' of her life, just in the same way I would have done if she was still here.

If she was here, we'd probably all get together for a big roast, have a few glasses of Prosecco and so we're going to do the same and continue to mark the day as a special occasion. I will probably stay off social media though as I find the many 'my mum is the best mum in the world' posts still a little too close to the bone.

If you had a good relationship with your mum and she's no longer here, what will you be doing?

[OriginalUsername2]

MIL died quite horrifically of cancer in our living room on the same day last year. I honestly don’t know what we’ll do. She loved a roast to the extent that my DP might feel guilty having one when she can’t. I don’t know. I think it will be a hard day.

[VictoriaBun]

It's been 10 years for me . Have your own quiet moment with your mum in your head and wish her a Happy Mothers Day .
And as for best mum in the world - statements , why get upset about them as you know yours was.

[CMOTDibbler]

Its just coming up to my mums third anniversary, and its dads third anniversary on Sunday. We also lost MIL 18 months ago. But I'm going and doing something with my swim group, then out with DH to an outdoor exhibition, nothing conventionally mothers day at all.

[Fallstar]

This will be the first mothers' day since my mum died.

I haven't really figured out how to think about it or what to do but I have a sports event booked and apart from that will play it by ear. DH and my adult kids will be supportive, thankfully.

[lipstickwoman]

It's many years since I lost mine. I will buy a bunch of daffodils, think how lucky I was and then it'll be another day.

My adult children have their own children and families.. they will remember but for me the day is no longer mine.

[Buttonmoonmrspoon]

It’s my first one without my mum. Part of me wants to ignore / avoid it. I’ll put flowers on her grave, but I don’t know about anything else. It just feels too sad and raw at the moment. I think I’m probably making it bigger than it is in my head.

[Mammyloveswine]

My mam died suddenly just after Christmas...

I'll go to the crem and take her some flowers for her bench then I think we're going out with my young sons for the day. Will pop in and see my dad before we go home.

[DaphneduM]

I lost my lovely Mum many years ago now - I always think of her on Mother's Day and Christmas Day, which was her birthday. But my husband and I often talk fondly about both my parents, so they're remembered anyway. I was distraught when she died, as we were so very close. I also find I have the rare, lovely dream about her - she's just there, as she always was - so comforting. Time passes, a cliche, but it does get easier.

I feel fortunate to be a mum myself, and my daughter is also a mum. It's more her day now, which she celebrates with her family, although she'll pop in for coffee with my present.

[Mindymomo]

Many years since I lost my dear Mum, it’s her birthday around the same time as well. I used to love buying her and my MIL gifts and we would often go out on Mothers Day, so I still have lovely memories. Now the day just passes, but I will think of them both during the day (I do most days anyway) and raise a glass and silently wish them Happy Mothers Day.

[Thisbastardcomputer]

I had 64 Mother's Days before Mum died, I'm glad I didn't get any more, she was nearing 90 and failing fast.

What breaks my heart, my daughter in law only got one Mother's Day with her longed for baby.

[Teafor1please]

I'll put flowers on her grave and then mostly ignore the day. No social media. I can't bear the sympathy.

[silverycurtains]

@OriginalUsername2

MIL died quite horrifically of cancer in our living room on the same day last year. I honestly don’t know what we’ll do. She loved a roast to the extent that my DP might feel guilty having one when she can’t. I don’t know. I think it will be a hard day.

I'm so sorry for your traumatic loss.

[Enko]

This year is 9 years since my mum died (not on mother's day itself)

To be honest it's no longer one of the big Mile stones to "get over" mil passed 4 years ago around mother's day and ita a similar thing.

You do become used to them missing from your life. Certain things remind you but for me mother's day us no longer one.

Anniversary of her death. Her birthday and Christmas are big days. We now have a tradition we watch white Christmas. "For grandma" and everyone smiles as we put it on. Feels like she is there with us.

So for us it's having that moment of acknowledgement we lost someone and we still miss them. And we get through still missing them.

[TrombonesAreNotBones]

I shall take daffodils or maybe tulips to to the grave on Saturday. I don't want to go there on Sunday, my adult children are coming for lunch and that's where my energies now direct themselves - to the living. This sounds a bit cold hearted, perhaps, but there we are.

I am offering a gentle arm squeeze to all who find or will find Mothering Sunday difficult.

[Hairfriar]

It's been quite a few years since I lost my mum. Obviously everyone is different, but I've learned over the years what works for me. In the early days it was so painful I just tried to ignore significant events (like Mother's Day, birthdays), but the thoughts wouldn't go away and I was an emotional tornado that day: rage, weeping, irritable etc and not being able to be comforted by anyone.

Ive learned that it's better to 'lean in' to the grief that these sorts of dates bring. Make a space to grieve my mum. Might be buying some flowers for her and putting them in a vase, or going for a walk by myself to think about her, or planting something in the garden that she liked, or going to visit a place she loved. I can't spend time with her physically anymore, but I can spend a bit of time with her in my head. It sort of ring fences my grief and allows me to enjoy/relax the rest of the day with my children. Also helps me to accept comforting from my family.

[GotABeatForYouMama]

Mum died March 2020 (3 days after lockdown 1 kicked in),. I shall buy the same chocolates I bought her on her last Mother's Day, which she never opened as she was so ill, and eat them with a glass of Rose which was her favourite tipple. There is no grave to visit as her and dad (who died a few months after mum), were scattered out to sea, so I shall probably go through the million and one photos I have of her and remember her as the beautiful smiling woman she was. I will also probably shed a few tears, but not as many as the last 2 Mother's Days.

[TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand]

Mother’s Day is in May here, as was my Mum’s birthday. This May, it’s 20 years since she died, so I’m kind of used to Mother’s Day without her.

I will think of her, and as always, be sad that she didn’t get to see me as a Mother. And then move on with my day.

[Hoppinggreen]

My Mum died 3 weeks ago.
I have told DH I don’t want to go out on Sunday so he said that he and the DC will cook instead.
He is taking his Mum out tomorrow night and did initially get a bit arsey when I said I wasn’t coming. Luckily for all concerned he realised pretty quickly he was being a Dick and apologised profusely

[Crunchymum]

It's my 3rd Mother's day without my mum. We lost her very suddenly and unexpectedly in late 2020. I know its never easy to lose a parent but this was so ridiculously sudden it was a very traumatic.

It's the first mother's day since that I've actually planned anything. We will go out for dinner (me, DP and the kids)

I've been feeling "okay" but mother's day looming may explain my pissed off mood. Its shit. Mother's day without a mum is never, ever going to be a nice day.

[Crunchymum]

@Hoppinggreen

My Mum died 3 weeks ago.
I have told DH I don’t want to go out on Sunday so he said that he and the DC will cook instead.
He is taking his Mum out tomorrow night and did initially get a bit arsey when I said I wasn’t coming. Luckily for all concerned he realised pretty quickly he was being a Dick and apologised profusely

I'm so sorry for you loss. Gosh it's all no new and raw for you.

I hope DH offers his support and comfort on what will be a very difficult day for you.

[Tlolljs]

My mum died in January. It’s not easy but I’m going to buy some daffs and I’m going to my daughter’s for lunch.
Keep buggering on.

[MintIcecreams]

I lost my mum 3 years ago and I guess each Mother's day is a little easier than the last. My DDs will do something nice for me but it certainly feels different now that my mum is gone.

to all

[jennyt82]

I lost my Mum suddenly in November, I'm not really looking forward to Sunday and I'd happily ignore it but I have young children so I know they'll keep me occupied.
My husband is going to drop in his mum's on his own, I don't want to go this year.

[Daffodilfrog]

Both my parents passed on significant dates which come round every year .. I’m not going to say which as it’s pretty outing and I wouldn’t want to link my posting history . It makes it extra specially hard as I never just forget what the date is.

my sympathies to you all

[Doyathinkhesaurus]

The big days are always hard.

Your best bet is to do what's best for you. If you want to do nothing, then do nothing If you want to have a Mother's Day celebration have one. The key thing about people we've lost is to hold them in your head, hold them in your heart and talk about them.