Mothers' day if your mum has died

[silverycurtains]

My mum died two years ago and this year it's the second anniversary of her sudden death on mothers' day itself. 😬

It's still sometimes hard to believe she's not here but as we were so close I know she wouldn't want us to be sad, so I have tried to reframe mothers' day as a 'celebration' of her life, just in the same way I would have done if she was still here.

If she was here, we'd probably all get together for a big roast, have a few glasses of Prosecco and so we're going to do the same and continue to mark the day as a special occasion. I will probably stay off social media though as I find the many 'my mum is the best mum in the world' posts still a little too close to the bone.

If you had a good relationship with your mum and she's no longer here, what will you be doing?

It's many years since my Mum died. I get on well with my MIL and my DH, his siblings and us partners will be taking her out to lunch. I will raise a glass to my Mum.

It's been 22 years for me, I was quite young when my mum died but I have children of my own now so will celebrate with them (by celebrate I mean I'll be served a very strange breakfast in bed that is usually inedible 😂)
Followed by a lovely meal in the evening that I will cook my myself!

I lost my mum very suddenly and traumatically 2 years ago. I can't visit my mums grave so I will put some flowers in the house so I can think of her. I'll focus on my children who want to make my day special, and just have a quiet day. I miss her desperately, and I loved spoiling her on Mother's Day.

This is my second Mother’s Day without my mum and also my own second Mother’s Day. Last year was weird and upsetting, so we just had a normal Sunday with a long cry in the afternoon. I imagine this year will be similar, but at least this year I have a cheerful toddler and not a colicky baby who is failing to thrive. I think about my mum every day anyway, though I cry less now.

Un-MN hugs to everyone in the thread.

Thoughts with all who are missing their Mum.

Hope it's ok to post here. I'm not looking forward to Sunday on behalf my DDs as well as myself. It will be the 2nd Mother's Day since my DW/their mum died. We'll take some flowers to her grave and I'll get them some hot chocolate afterwards. We talk daily in positive terms about her and we'll try to have a nice day.

School are making cards this week, but they have been thoughtful and sensitive and offered for the DDs to do something else.

I've not slept well this week and I'm feeling really low today because although I have mourned and come to terms with the situation, I continue to feel the loss for my DDs, and Mother's Day is another reminder of what they have lost. As much as I am very much here and we are going along well in general, I cannot replace her presence and that is hard for us.

I've lost my Mum and this is the 3rd year so my brother, sister and I all get together with our families and take it in turn to host and do a family get together and always have my Mums favourite - roast Turkey dinner and have a glass of Prosecco and have a toast to her and share funny stories and remember her
We all have young kids so it's not a morbid affair. A celebration of her life. We also do the same on Father's Day for my dad and usually have a BBQ amd whoever is hosting borrows dads bbq tools (he had some personalised fancy ones for his 80th birthday as he loved bbq'ing)

We make it a celebration of life - there will be some tears but happy ones remembering the great memories ❤️

And sorry for everyone's losses and however you choose to spend the day sending love 💕 💐

It's my first Mother's Day without my mum. She died very suddenly last summer and I still can't quite believe she's not around.

We had a fairly difficult relationship but that doesn't make it any easier. She loved tradition so I'd always see her on Mother's Day and take her flowers & a gift.

I shall buy flowers and spend the day doing something lovely with my DC. And try not to think about her too much...

It’ll be the second Mother’s day without my lovely Mum. Dad died late last year too so I’ll probably visit where their ashes are buried and take some flowers.
I miss them so badly.

My heart goes out to all the other MNetters who are struggling coming up to mothers day. Lost my mum suddenly 22 years ago and still miss her like crazy although mothers days are easier I still sometimes have a wobble moment where it just hits real hard. I've found having keepsakes helps and having a little time to grieve and remember her. I have this little book that we (I have 2 older siblings) gifted her on mothers day back in the 80's which sits on my shelf and I have a little read of it every mothers day and buy some daffs as she loved yellow flowers. My other half is such a sweetheart he will grab me a bunch of daffs or some potted miniture ones from time to time, when i asked why (he knows im not that keen on yellow flowers as we always have the 'what colour flowers' debate at garden centre) he said it was because he knew they reminded me of my mum. 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss. It was 4 years in November for me.

My coping mechanism is to usually think of mum the day before, and then make the day all about me. Probably not the most healthy of options, but it seems to work. I find actually it's random days when I struggle the most - my eldest is now a teenager and I am missing having her to turn to and that's upsetting me more, if that makes sense?

It’s difficult when you have children of your own as well. It’s the first year without MIL so I’m struggling a bit with how to navigate it. DW is obviously going to be missing her DM but DC also want to make a fuss of their DM.

This is my 5th Mother's Day without my lovely mum. However, even when she was alive she didn't like the fuss of the day so would often just get a card and a phone call.

My mum's ashes are buried under the cherry tree in our garden so we might just go take a glass of bubbly up there after DD has gone to bed.

For me, it's much more about my time with DD and doing things with her. My mum would have totally approved!

It's a long time ago now as my mum died when I was a teen. I take flowers to her grave at some point mid march as it's the anniversary of her death, Dad's birthday and Mother's Day and remember her for a while on Mother's day before getting on welcoming my own children and grandchild here (so sad she never got to be a Granny herself she would have so loved it)

This is my second Mother's Day without mine and I would 100% echo one of your first points - stay off the phone and off social media.

We actually weren't ever a very 'mothers day' sort of family so I was a bit overwhelmed that I was upset at all. Then I picked up my phone and that was really the end of the day. It was truly awful. Lesson learned for this year.

to everyone dealing with loss.

It's been 5 months since we lost our Mum after supporting her through a short, horrible illness.

I usually cope pretty well but have felt very emotional this week and I'm really missing her. Not helped by hearing her song on the radio yesterday even though it's not a song I've ever heard on the radio before.

We were an extremely close family and spent most Sundays together anyway so we definitely would have had lunch and a few glasses of fizz to celebrate.
I plan on having a lovely day doing lovely things, however that looks. And I will be remembering what a wonderful person she was and how lucky we were to have her.

Sending love to all of those who are missing their Mums too

Lost my lovely mum several years ago, we were incredibly close and I looked after her for years before she died, so her absence hit me like a ton of bricks. I carry her in my heart and head every day.

We used to make big deals out of occasions like Mother's Day,birthdays, Christmas, etc and I still find it difficult to muster up the same enthusiasm as I used to without her. There's still certain things we used to do that I just can't bring myself to do anymore.

My kids are both adults, they will remember me Sunday, I'll definitely see one of them, hopefully both. And we will have a cheery day whatever, there will just be an underlying ache in my heart.

So sorry for all of you who are also missing lovely mums. We are so lucky to have had them in our lives.

Mum died last year however she's currently still with me.
The plan was for cremation & to put her in a family grave. Unfortunately as it already contains 2 coffins & 2 boxes of cremains, the likelihood of another box fitting in are very slim.
The undertaker suggested a work around so she's currently in a scatter tube stored in a Waitrose bag in her study.
The undertakers have said they'll be able to dig a hole in the grave & we can pour her in. Not the most dignified of endings but she had an evil sense of humour plus she loved shopping at Waitrose.
I'm going to get some nice flowers for the house, some of her favourite hot cross buns (Waitrose brand) & have a quiet day.

My lovely mum died six years ago in traumatic circumstances. I'm seeing my own adult dc for dinner on Saturday which will be lovely and means I can largely ignore the fact on Sunday. I too tend to keep away from social media for a while.

My DM died 7 years ago this month (Mother's day was early that year so we got to visit her in hospital). My DD died 6 months after DM, so Mother's Day tends to be a time for reflection. It often clashes/almost clashes with my birthday - one day apart this year - so the focus is often on my birthday rather than Mother's day. DS will no doubt get me a humorous card and a gift.

@stuffnthings It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job for your DDs. I know you can't fill the gap - and you're not supposed to, either - but I wish my Dad (sorry, I'm assuming you're Dad) had even mentioned Mum on Mother's Day after she died.

OP my Mum has been dead for many years now and funnily enough I don't find Mother's Day the hardest. I've really enjoyed the day since having my own kids - I just focus on them, and I like being able to ask for exactly what I want from the day without feeling guilty or selfish Which is usually a long hike and then a meal that I've had nothing to do with cooking or shopping for. I hope you get through it feeling okay somehow or other.

Thank you @cheatingcrackers that's really kind of you and I'm sorry for your loss too and it's lovely to read that you'll have a nice day with your DC. (and yes you're correct, I'm Dad :) )

Usually my sister and I went to a sporting event that falls on Mother's Day, we'd enjoy the sport, share a pizza, and totally ignore the day. We would have spoken about mum, relived our favourite memories but not acknowledged what day it was.

This year I've lost my sister too and so I'm not sure how to handle it.

@jay55 I'm so sorry you've lost your sister. I too have since lost my only sibling; it's heartbreaking

A year since my mum died. She suffered for many years with dementia so I was happy for her when she finally went home to her mum and dad ( which is where she sad she was going while she could still talk). I'll make sure I've got a vase with pink tulips in because they were her favourite flowers, and wear her best necklace.