Mothers' day if your mum has died

Mum died last month and her funeral was only a couple of weeks ago, I'll go to her grave on Saturday and take away the funeral flowers and put some more down. Then we're having roast dinner at home with me, DH (his mum is far away), DD, dad and my best friend whose mum is away at the moment..............

First year without my mum and I'm torn because I am not wanting to celebrate so haven't mentioned the day in the hope dh will have forgotten too and won't encourage anything from kids for the day...but will also be disappointed if they all forget. Grief is a complicated thing I just roll with it day by day.

It's been 6 years since losing my MIL;the first Mother's Day after losing her fell on what would have been her next birthday that was bloody horrendous.

What you propose is lovely, and sort of 'saves a seat at the table' for her, if that is what you would have done with her. I'm sure she would be very happy to know you were doing that for her. My mum is still alive but my Dad died last year. Father's Day was difficult and I can't remember what we did, I do remember going off to a room to cry over his photo. This year I think we'll do similar to you for him. A celebration is what we would all want our loved ones to have, I think, rather than tears.

@stuffnthings I'm so sorry for yours and your DDs loss. Your post made me feel so sad.

Thank you @Hairfriar that's kind and thoughtful of you.

It's taken 7 years to feel the way I do now but what I do to deal with the actual day is see my own children a few days before. I have made a new tradition of having a very low key pop in visit at some point before or after the day. I wasn't coping with the build up to Mother's Day, the pressure, memories, feeling I had to suppress my true emotions. So, now I have a normal lovely Sunday enjoying myself without the tears, bottled up feelings, crying myself to sleep or overdrinking to cope. I can look at my cards, flowers, book or whatever but I don't need to engage in the forced emotion. Hate the way every ocassion has become a marketing opportunity and it always plays on emotion which can make some of us ill.

It's so tough, you're doing the best you can and your DD's will always know and feel that. My DD lost her father suddenly at a young age & many, many years later she says that she appreciated me keeping him in family conversations and we moved past that naturally when the time came that it wasn't a daily or weekly topic. Even so, your DW will never be completely gone while your DD's are there. Take care 💐

Mine died 47 years ago on my 10th birthday. I have her anniversary, Mother's Day and my birthday all together this weekend. There will be daffodils...

It’s seven years since I lost my mum. We’ll be on holiday so I’ll think about her and shed a few quiet tears. I do mss her.

Our wonderful mum died on Easter Sunday last years after suffering from Alzheimer’s for many years. My sister and I miss her so much, we miss the mum we once had, but even though she had Alzheimer’s she was still here. I feel so sad when I see cards in the shops, or adverts on tv. I can only tell her in my prayers how much she is loved and how very special she was.

It's my first Mothers Day without my Mum, and it would have been her birthday on Monday. I'm planning to take some freesias to put on the grave on Monday when it will be quiet and I can sit in peace for a while. 😞

First year without my mum and not sure how I feel! I’ve got young DC who have made cards and are planning exuberant breakfast in bed activities (that I’ll probably have to help with!!) so my Mothers’ Day will be fine if that makes sense? The bit I’m finding difficult is that this is birthday season in our family and mum died 4 days after her birthday and the day before mine which is in a few weeks plus MIL is coming for her birthday. Don’t think that’s going to be too much fun (MIL is amazing, just celebrating a mum’s birthday).

How did you deal with managing your grief with siblings/dads? I feel like I’ve got to accommodate everyone else and be supportive but then I don’t/can’t do me. I love hours away from my dad, DSis stays very near so has done a lot with him. I haven’t decided about going to stay for mums birthday but if I do I miss my birthday with my family, I’m have to take my DC who don’t like staying in the house without grandma and will need support when I’m falling apart and that’s without dealing with my DSis who is fantastic at making you feel like a massive disappointment (I’ve get texts about not being in contact with, giving me instructions about what to do with dad (call him every day to check on him. He’s totally capable but doesn’t do things as she thinks he should 🙄). Daft thing is I know what my mum would say about it all!

Lordy, sorry for the ramble!

My Mum was never one for "days" so I never did more than send her a card and flowers on Mother's Day but I do think of her more as the day approaches. The thing I find hardest is that my DH and his family don't seem to understand that I don't want to spend the day playing happy families with his Mum. I am perfectly happy for him to go without me - she is his Mum and if he wants to visit her on Mother's Day I don't have a problem with that at all, but she isn't my Mum and I find it hard on a day when I am missing my own, so I'd rather stay at home. Especially as my Mum is never even mentioned and no acknowledgement of my feelings is made. But then he does the "oh but I don't want to leave you at home on your own" thing, which just makes me feel emotionally blackmailed into going of course.
Same thing happens at Christmas. My Mum died on a day close to Christmas and virtually every single bloody year I have to remind DH that no, I don't want to visit his parents or extended family on that date, no matter how convenient it is for his sister.

This will be my first one since my lovely mum died last October. I'm finding the flower and cards displays v difficult to see. Me and dd will go for a roast and raise s glass of Prosecco to her.

I lost my mother many many years ago,
I wish she was still around,
Her absence since mid teenager caused 😳 so much confusion pain
She adopted me,
But I only knew her for 6yrs as she died from cancer,
I grew up children's homes, split up from rest of my family sisters and brothers brought in a Foster care,
I spiraled into going off rails big time after went,

I veer towards treating mothers day as like any other day,
then I feel it be better to treat it as a day off healthy reflection but not in a morbid way,
I think what I will do is to light a candle 🕯 and do mediation,

And as I am passionate about benefits of creative 🎨 Arts , as it feels like akin to active meditation therapy,
I will try to create something and see what happens or just a Art gallery,

Is there favorite TV shows proggammes or films that your mum used to watch together with you, or she just liked?
especially if they have feel good factor,


Could you watch something like this on youtube Internet or TV gold such as TV programmes of yesteryear type of thing,

Sorry for your loss Op@silverycurtains

You are definitely not on your own feeling the way you doing,

Thank you @NurseCranesRolodex and I'm sorry for your loss also, it's good to hear your experience. Have a lovely day on Sunday.

Mine died five years ago now but I actually found the one before she died the worst because she was terminally ill at that point and we didn't know how long she had left. I remember going into the cards aisle in Sainsbury's and crying when I saw all the cards with "To My Lovely Mum" etc.

It seems to be everywhere this year, way worse than previous years. I tend to just ignore it and get on with the day in my own way. I like a PP's suggestion of going for a long walk and thinking about her, having some flowers in, raising a glass. My dad ignores it plus he has a new partner now. Last year a couple of friends messaged on the day to say they were thinking of me but I wished they hadn't; it just reminded me of what I don't have, if that makes sense.

💐💐💐 to all of you.

Thanks, you too. 💐

I'll be going to my MILs. She's been generous over the years so it's not a hardship (in terms of actions not financially).

My own mum is never far from my thoughts.

Earlier this month it was 5 years ago since my lovely DM died after an unexpected illness. I have young children she never met and a DH who isn’t particularly sentimental and won’t have organised a card or anything (I’m resigned to that fact and don’t let it bother me now). We’ve booked dinner at a local pub with a friend who is doing us a favour with some printing so at least I won’t have to cook dinner!!

My mum died 23 years ago...she was 52 and it was bowel cancer that had spread to her liver by the time it was found...I have 3 adult children and they are all travelling to my house...we will get a takeaway and have a few drinks together.

Today is the anniversary of my mom’s Thera death and also marks the turning point where she’s been dead for more of my life then she’s been alive. She’s been dead all of my adult life through marriage kids etc and I don’t really have any clear memory of her other than the last year of her life which was just consumed with illness. It’s odd I don’t know how I feel.

No idea how we ended up with mom’s Thera! Should just read mother’s!