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Original poster

How do your 4yo cope in a supermarket

84 replies

BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 10:41

My DS is 4 and supermarket trips are a nightmare. Well, any shop really. He wants to go but when in there he works himself up into a frenzy. He still goes in the trolley seat as it would be impossible otherwise.
He wants to decide on everything, let me choose! No, I don't want that one etc.
We're not talking about sweets and chocolate, it's salmon and broccoli and everyday things.
By the end he's in such a worked up state I'm just desperate to get out of there.

If we can avoid taking him we do. We've tried to have consequences so for a time both my husband and I went so if he started shouting and melting down over the choice of apples someone would take him back to the car.

I think he's neurotypical but he does get overwhelmed easily and will wander around aimlessly touching things at home and opening cupboards which drives me mad.

I don't know whether it's something we can train out of him (we've really tried) or if it's just sensory overload.

I'm wondering how other 4 year olds compare.

OP posts:
Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 10:42

I realise now my title is badly worded! I'm in a post supermarket trip frazzled state!

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 11/03/2023 10:44

Can you do him his own shopping list? Use pics if he can't read.. A pencil to tick off his items. Maybe a wallet? Self scan his stuff. Soon get bored week after week. Or not but allow for your shopping alongside his!!

BrutusMcDogface · 11/03/2023 10:46

honestly? I just wouldn’t take him. Get online deliveries. If you need a top up shop, promise him a treat afterwards if he’s helpful and calm. My son stays in the seat usually but he was horrendous the other day, demanding a toy 🙄😳

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Behaviour & development Families
TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/03/2023 10:49

Just make every effort not to bring him. With DS at that age, he wanted everything, and also wanted to assert his judgement by choosing stuff. He wasn't as extreme as your son, but he was bad enough that I didn't bring him.

A year or so later he was fine.

Mrsjayy · 11/03/2023 10:50

Give him a list work up to letting him help, I don't mean allowing him to climb in fridges or anything but if you give him his own list before you go will give him something to concentrate on.

Lcb123 · 11/03/2023 10:50

Sorry but if you have a partner, why would you take him? I always shop alone, so much quicker and I never buy anything not on the list so saves money

FlounderingFruitcake · 11/03/2023 10:52

I don’t know that’s typical for a 4YO, sounds like my DC at about 2 if I’m being honest. By 4 she liked to choose her own fruit, probably would moan it’s boring when the aisles aren’t stuff she likes and would often nag for sweets but overall was easy enough to manage. But we mostly online shop so the supermarket is somewhat of a novelty. If it’s a problem for your DS maybe stop making it a family affair and don’t take him. If you really must for an urgent top up shop then keep it brief and I wouldn’t be ashamed to resort to a bit of bribery and say he can go to the playground afterwards, choose a tat magazine etc if he behaves .

MrsRinaDecker · 11/03/2023 10:52

It’s been a long time, but my basic rule was that if you behave in the shop you can choose a sweetie at the checkout!
I would also make sure you’re going at a time that he’s not hungry / tired / already over stimulated. And try to stay calm (easier said than done!) and empathise with him. Then maybe let him choose the things that don’t matter (even if it’s between two identical packs of apples!) so then you choose the things where it does matter.

GiltEdges · 11/03/2023 10:52

Very very rarely shop in person, but if I do and DS is with me then he has his own little trolley that we take and I basically just let him put what he wants in it (there isn't much room). It lets him feel like he has his own choices, but he's then not interesting in what I'm buying.

JunkinDonuts · 11/03/2023 10:54

Can you do your main shop online and then use a small express type of supermarket for top ups?
I used to ask mine to get a particular item, that was within my view down the aisle.
For example, oh we need beans, can you get the beans? They would go and get the beans while I stood and watched. It made them feel important because they were helping mummy.
Is this something that may work for you?
Maybe choose a quiet time to go to do this through.

Marchforward · 11/03/2023 10:54

I have a nearly 4 year old. I only take her to the supermarket when we need a few item. Otherwise I get an online order.

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 11/03/2023 10:57

When DS1 was this age, I just didn't get him out of the house after 3pm. He was exhausted and any trip to a shop (or anywhere) was a nightmare, like you describe.
I felt like a pariah being excluded from the world from a large part of the day, but it got better, eventually.

name985 · 11/03/2023 11:02

This hasn't been my experience with either of mine. The only time shopping is a nightmare is when both of them are with me and try to play/run/fight. On their own they are fine.

Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:02

Lcb123 · 11/03/2023 10:50

Sorry but if you have a partner, why would you take him? I always shop alone, so much quicker and I never buy anything not on the list so saves money

Because I often have to do the shop alone with my son. So we did a stint of both of us to try and improve his behaviour. If he whinged and made it unbearable he would be taken out. We hoped after a few times he would understand the expectations.

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 11/03/2023 11:06

Shopping is pretty stressful with DS4 so we mostly do online shopping.

Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:10

We have tried online shopping but I couldn't cope with the substitutions. We live fairly rurally so meal plan and was finding I'd be missing a main ingredient so have to go to the shops anyway.
Perhaps it's worth another try. I'm all ears for supermarkets who don't substitute much.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 11/03/2023 11:12

You can turn off the substitutions in Asda (and probably a lot of the others)

MrsRinaDecker · 11/03/2023 11:16

Tesco is pretty good for subs.. you can have them all on or off or choose for specific items. You can also write a note by the item for the picker, so you might be able to say what you’d be happy with (eg if unavailable sub with any other colour pepper / if no oat milk sub with almond).

Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:17

It's like he's desperate to control the situation.
We give him lots of choice when we can e.g. he chooses own clothes and if we can give him a choice we do.

I have tried the own shopping list thing but he gets worked up when he wants something on it that we don't need. He can't comprehend letting me write HIS list.

He likes to control things at home:
For example 'I've got you your next teabag out, promise me you will use that next'
'I've chosen the next log for the fire'

OP posts:
Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:18

sanityisamyth · 11/03/2023 11:12

You can turn off the substitutions in Asda (and probably a lot of the others)

But then do you just not get anything, because sometimes that's worse?!

OP posts:
Original poster
BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:18

MrsRinaDecker · 11/03/2023 11:16

Tesco is pretty good for subs.. you can have them all on or off or choose for specific items. You can also write a note by the item for the picker, so you might be able to say what you’d be happy with (eg if unavailable sub with any other colour pepper / if no oat milk sub with almond).

That's useful to know, I might give it a go.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 11/03/2023 11:23

BergamotMouse · 11/03/2023 11:17

It's like he's desperate to control the situation.
We give him lots of choice when we can e.g. he chooses own clothes and if we can give him a choice we do.

I have tried the own shopping list thing but he gets worked up when he wants something on it that we don't need. He can't comprehend letting me write HIS list.

He likes to control things at home:
For example 'I've got you your next teabag out, promise me you will use that next'
'I've chosen the next log for the fire'

OK you Are giving or he is taking too much control and choice he is pushing boundaries, do you and his dad agree where the line is ?

picklemewalnuts · 11/03/2023 11:23

Would it reassure you to know I simply couldn't take mine? The last straw was the trolley incident. He got himself stuck under my trolley, screamed like a stuck pig, and I needed staff assistance to lift the trolley and get him out.

I'm so pleased he's now 18 and doesn't do it anymore.... Grin

Mrsjayy · 11/03/2023 11:25

Oh no @picklemewalnuts 😂

holierthanthou73 · 11/03/2023 11:25

Online with Sainsbury’s, substitutes are rare