How do your 4yo cope in a supermarket

[BergamotMouse]

My DS is 4 and supermarket trips are a nightmare. Well, any shop really. He wants to go but when in there he works himself up into a frenzy. He still goes in the trolley seat as it would be impossible otherwise.
He wants to decide on everything, let me choose! No, I don't want that one etc.
We're not talking about sweets and chocolate, it's salmon and broccoli and everyday things.
By the end he's in such a worked up state I'm just desperate to get out of there.

If we can avoid taking him we do. We've tried to have consequences so for a time both my husband and I went so if he started shouting and melting down over the choice of apples someone would take him back to the car.

I think he's neurotypical but he does get overwhelmed easily and will wander around aimlessly touching things at home and opening cupboards which drives me mad.

I don't know whether it's something we can train out of him (we've really tried) or if it's just sensory overload.

I'm wondering how other 4 year olds compare.

it usually results in a lot of tears and time (with one of us) in his room.

This could be unintentionally rewarding the behaviour. He creates a fuss and is rewarded with lots of individual attention. Just never getting his way when he does this, and no attention after a clear NO might be more effective?

Oh, he doesn't get a lovely fuss in his room. It's a case of someone sitting in their with their back to the door whilst he calms down. Otherwise there's no breaking the meltdown. And other than locking him in his room alone there isn't much option.

He's not a nightmare child. He's a sweet, clever boy, very loving.
But he can get completely overwhelmed.
I don't think he's does these things to be intentionally difficult, he gets very fixed ideas in his head and if someone puts a barrier in the way for his plans he can get distressed. And this is particularly apparent in supermarkets.

Honestly my 3 year old is amazing. She sits in the actual trolley and arranged everything neatly, keeps her busy! And of course the promise of a treat for when we get home. She is a good listener though in general.

Make your life easier and go without him.

Make sure he is busy in another room when you return and unpack everything.

If at all possible, don't take him. I have never enjoyed or felt able to take my oldest shopping (food,anything) with me because they would run around, grab everything, lean out of the trolley if in, pull the trolley arround if out, get in people's way, just argh! Youngest on the other hand sits in trolley or walks nicely next to it, doesn't touch everything, keeps out of the way, is actually helpful. No amount of consequences would change child 1. The number of biscuits I've been able to eat because they bought as a treat to have if well behaved and then not earned! It's the child, not you!

Because you’ve specifically asked how other 4 year olds compare: my 4 year old is nothing like this. We go around fairly calmly having a chat about the things we need and what we will cook with the things we are buying and how. He gets the things he can reach off the shelves. Where I’m happy with multiple alternatives I might let him pick a few things but I don’t encounter resistance if I say we need a specific thing of don’t let him pick. His older sister was similar at the same age, perhaps a little less chatty.

We do the self scan and my 4yo does the scanning, or holds the list and crosses stuff off. He needs a job or he's a nightmare.

Build him up slowly. Take him out for very short trips to start with, for example, getting just bread and milk. Let him choose the bread out of two options.

Keep doing short trips and build him up as he gets better.

Order online!!!

I do my almost 4 year old his own list with pictures. He ticks off when we find things. I draw little pics and try to have them spread out around the shop so I can keep saying "ooh what's next on your list?" And then he gets in the trolley seat when I'm at the conveyor belt and stays in the trolley until back at the car. He's absolutely fine tbh. Picks some things like his own snacks but otherwise just follows me around looking at his list. It does get a bit chaotic at the checkout if he's not in the seat, wanting to help and it's not helpful, pushing the trolley forward when there's people in front of us in the queue etc. But pop him in the trolley and he's ok.

I do my almost 4 year old his own list with pictures. He ticks off when we find things. I draw little pics and try to have them spread out around the shop so I can keep saying "ooh what's next on your list?"

Honestly I don't want to put that level of preparation and creativity into getting some shopping. Easier not to bring them for the short amount of time they are painful to bring.

My child's 4 also.

He hates the supermarket, I don't blame him, it's boring for us never mind a small child. So I stopped taking him.

He stays at home with his dad and I go get it done. I sometimes do it 8/9 at night depending what we have on, but worth it being stress for us all

Order online, and make sure subs are defined, I rarely do it, only cat and I tho.

I honestly think your DS sounds within the realm of normal. Some 4 year olds will walk next to the trollies and happily collect instructed items from the shelves and others will be harder work to manage. As long as you’re not giving into his demands and staying calm I think it’ll probably be something he will grow out of in time. :)

He does sound very rigid but in the gentlest way possible so do you OP. You can't seem to swap around your schedule at all so you don't have to bring him when that's the easiest solution. Or give him a tablet to play on in the trolley maybe? But this isn't a hill I'd die on.

Oh, I really feel for you. This age is terribly hard. With my son, I gave loads and loads of empathy. It worked so well. one tip is to repeat back exactly what they’ve said so they sound heard.
E.g. wahhh I want green apples.
Oh you want green apples.

(can you buy green apples? If yes, just get the green apples. If no, say. Oh you want green apples. I love green apples, but ooooh loook, red apples! I love these even more. Let’s try them. You see if you like them as much as I do. If not, I’m going to write it down on my list that you want green apples.

I know this sounds like a big effort, but it’s just a conversation. Including him in the thought process and making him sound powerful. I have a feeling that highly intelligent kids can be a bit like this since they have so much they want to do/say. It’s so frustrating for them to have so little control. I do NOT think empathy makes them spoilt. I think it makes them feel understood.

But you need to be super patient, as parent, (not always east when knackered etc) and have your end game in mind. Eg green/red apples? Really, who cares, I’d let him “win”. But other things eg salmon vs cod, he can’t win. So explain why it’s cod this time and how he can watch you make the cod later etc etc. could this work, do you think?

Otherwise, yeah, leave him at home :-)

He sounds a bit like my DS, though tbh it depends on what kind of day we're having - some days can get round the supermarket with few or no issues, others result in meltdown (particularly if we go after nursery or swimming or another activity, so try not to do that unless desperately need something). He likes to be involved, pick things, unload the trolley, pack the bags etc so I try and "let" him do as much as possible within reason and if he behaves he gets a wee treat. My DH will usually do a bigger shop (alone) either evenings after DS bedtime or at the weekend, so when I take DS it's never for a big shop which keeps things manageable even if he's in a mood, maybe that could work?

Also what you've said about your DS having v fixed ideas in his head and struggling to accept barriers, sounds a lot like my son who is also 4 and (to our knowledge) NT. He just seems very resolute and wants/needs to be involved in day to day tasks but doesn't always respond well when told they shouldn't be done "his" way...

My 2 year old is great! She loves helping to push the trolley and scan stuff. What about snacks? I always have bribes and snacks to hand to ward off any potential melt down.

Yes to scan and shop, and bribery. If we get round Tesco without any trouble we can go to the park after

My 4yo is like this too. We do shopping pickup and if we need to go in at another time we just try to make it really quick.

Na he's 4 you should be in control.

I have 4 kids one of which has autism and have a grandchild with autism.

They have to learn to live in the world they are in. Life

Mine were like that at 2 or 3 (and worse on a few occasions), but by 4yo had started behaving better. I went with snacks to eat whilst in the trolley. Ideally something time consuming like a really large whole apple. Morrisons is great as they have a box of free fruit for kids to choose from. They knew they could choose certain items if they behaved, usually the crisps or ice lollies (I still use this as a reward).
I agree with the scanners too. My DCs still love this at 6 and 8yo. Just watch that they don't blind you with it either on purpose or through poor aim!

I used to go on a weekday night on my own. I loved it, quiet in the shop and no DC.

Then online shopping came out and I was all over that like a rash 😁.