How do your 4yo cope in a supermarket

[BergamotMouse]

My DS is 4 and supermarket trips are a nightmare. Well, any shop really. He wants to go but when in there he works himself up into a frenzy. He still goes in the trolley seat as it would be impossible otherwise.
He wants to decide on everything, let me choose! No, I don't want that one etc.
We're not talking about sweets and chocolate, it's salmon and broccoli and everyday things.
By the end he's in such a worked up state I'm just desperate to get out of there.

If we can avoid taking him we do. We've tried to have consequences so for a time both my husband and I went so if he started shouting and melting down over the choice of apples someone would take him back to the car.

I think he's neurotypical but he does get overwhelmed easily and will wander around aimlessly touching things at home and opening cupboards which drives me mad.

I don't know whether it's something we can train out of him (we've really tried) or if it's just sensory overload.

I'm wondering how other 4 year olds compare.

Nope. Online or click and collect

Sounds like he is anxious about shopping and this behaviour is his way of controlling the environment and regulating himself.

He doesn't Sound NT to me.

Lots of online shipping you can specify subs in comment box of what u would prefer

Even if you did click and collect, you’d only have to nip in for anything missing afterwards rather than trying to do a full shop with him? Might make it easier.

This!
My daughter loves taking a shopping list!
Used to be pictures and now she can read she has words.

Why do you have to do the shop on your own with him? Couldn't you (or your husband) do it on your own in the evening or weekend? My kids weren't great in supermarkets - no manic, just bored and whiny- so I basically never took them. I'm a single parent of 2 kids and it was manageable.

Mine used to have his own trolley. He was really naughty in a supermarket otherwise, sensory overload, and would take off running around.

I have a 4 year old and a baby and I've done click and collect with Tesco for years now, it's just not worth the hassle taking young kids into a supermarket!

I find them good for subs tbh, I only usually have one or two max per shop and it's always something sensible.

Technically one of us could do it on evening or weekend. But that would take us until 9pm on evenings and we have fixed activities on weekends for the kids which makes it difficult (we only have 1 car)

And I work part time so I kind of feel that if I have 2 days off a week I should be able to do a supermarket shop and be able to have some control of a small child!

Presumably he'll start school in September so it'll be easier then

My 4 yeae old isnt neurotypical. He copes in the supermarket only when we do Tesco scan &shop. He sits in the trolley and i hold each item up so he can scan the barcode. Its the only way he can go. Before that id abandonded countless trolleys mid shop. Maybe your son might like the control of being the person who scans everything?

If it’s about choices have you tried controlling the choice in the first place. You mention it’s about everything and not just things he wants/consumes. So if you need teabags can you pick two from the shelf and ask which one you should have. Apologies if you’ve already tried that but I find that letting little ones have a choice but a choice that you’re in control of can be affective.

My son is of same age. He wants to buy everything.we buy him little treat in the supermarket first then he does not care what goes into trolley, these little personalities are hard work. My son thinks are bank cards are loaded with unlimited money.

My experience was that none of my boys liked shopping and could just about hold it together for for about half an hour if they were involved with the process and I chatted to them constantly. Any longer than that and they started whining and whingeing. I can still remember being bored and moany myself when taken shopping with my own Mum, so I understood how they felt.

What helped was smaller supermarkets so I could get round them more quickly, having a clear list so that I was not dithering making choices, and not stopping and chatting to other people on the way round. And constantly involving them in everything- if you are standing in front shelves trying to decide what to go for, talk to them about it - how much do we need? what will we eat it with? etc etc.

I'd do a click and collect maybe in this instance and any rubbish subs you can run in and get the two items you need.

My DD is only 2.5 but I generally do let her choose things 'which pack of mushrooms shall we get?' 'This pack of hot cross buns or that one?' And then she likes to hold onto certain things and others won't touch them and insists they go in the bags. I tend to get deliveries mostly we only do a shop if I'm on a day off and I know she's on reasonable form. If I was stressed or tired I know she'd be harder work than the above.

Sometimes you can give too much choice and control, and that’s also overwhelming for little ones. At home, where it’s not such a problem if he’s upset, perhaps try and reign in a little of the control. “Thanks, ds, but it’s my tea and I would like to choose my own teabag. Would you like jam or peanut butter with your toast?” I think sometimes they need to know that YOU are in charge, not them. I know it’s easy for me to say, though. 💐

Allow him control over things in his little world that are reasonable, ie a choice of two pairs of trousers for him to wear or a choice of two programmes to watch.

Do you always go along with this? If he’s used to telling you what to do down to what tea bag to use then that might be why he’s struggling so much in the supermarket, because as far as he’s concerned he’s not being allowed his usual level of control? Just a thought but he might cope better overall if boundaries are set so he can only pick his stuff, so what jumper to wear is definitely his choice but he doesn’t get a say on what log goes on the fire, and the same applies in the supermarket so he can pick his snacks but there’s zero discussion about what salmon the grown ups have for dinner after he’s in bed (for example).

Although I’d still vote for online shopping and just popping in to buy whatever doesn’t arrive, it’ll turn a slog of big shop into a 10 minute affair which is so much more manageable!

It's fine to take him you are just looking for a way to manage the hoha he causes.

We only let him control the things that are of not concern to us. So him getting my next teabag ready and choosing the next log doesn't affect us. There's plenty of other occasions where he doesn't get the choice and we say 'we are the grown ups. We decide!'
For example, they have porridge every 'school' day morning. Sometimes he will decide he's having something else. We will be firm and it usually results in a lot of tears and time (with one of us) in his room.

We aren't pushovers and DH and I are very much on the same page so fairly consistent.

So try saying that in the supermarket you, the grown up person gets to decide.

Can he play a game on your phone while you shop?

I directed DD in constructive ways - it made no difference to me whether she picked one broccoli stalk over another or those three carrots instead of the other 3 and, as I taught her to look at things for freshness/no bug damage/bruising, it actually saved me time, as I could be thinking about other things as she dealt with the fruit and veg that wasn't too heavy for her. It also helped her with maths when we'd look at the prices of salmon, weighing things, looking at volumes, etc, and as her reading improved, we started looking at ingredients. She'd then help with packing (light, non fragile things), which meant she learned fitting shapes together, allowing for weights and volume, etc.

The alternative to engaging in something that she would learn from, made her think and reason and kept her focused would have been to corral her in the trolled seat/cage and wheel her around facing away from the direction she was travelling, bright lights, noise, lots of brightly coloured displays and packaging, boredom and a feeling of shopping being something that was done to her, rather than something she was able to participate in, achieve and learn from. And, from my experience, a bored, overstimulated child is an absolute fucking nightmare.

You of course know your DS best but at 4 mine would not really be able to differentiate between stuff of little consequence to me and stuff that I do care about. So they just wouldn’t understand why telling me what tea bag to use is ok but telling me what fish I have to buy is not. Up to you but I think choosing their own stuff is very positive but being allowed to tell others what to do, not so much. Too much control, and not knowing what they can and can’t control, can become overwhelming. Which is maybe what’s happening here? But if you don’t think that applies then feel free to ignore. It might just be one of those things he grows out of it, so good luck and fingers crossed that happens soon!

Do you ever tell him no?
All things being equal, this is not usual for a 4 year old. Not as a regular thing.
He's going to be at school soon and you need to start preparing him for the outside world in which he's not going to get his own way all the time.

I used to do the main shop when DH was home or do it online. Mini shops I would take them and make it into a game. You could take photos of the items and ask them to find them on the shelf, eg.
We also had little mini shopping baskets which they would take. I find boredom was usually the reason for them acting up.