Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Not comfortable with MIL watching toddler because of her partner

105 replies

DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:40

My MIL was once outgoing, had friends, a job, left the house and did normal things. She has been with her partner for 10 years but very quickly stopped doing anything or going anywhere when they got together. She stopped working, doesn’t have any friends or hobbies now and can’t even go to the shop without him having to go with her. I’ve always found him very creepy and like there’s just something off about him.

Since having our little girl just over two years ago it became more apparent that she literally can’t leave the house without him and he’s very controlling. She’ll say no to going places (because he says no). She has barely seen our child. At first she used to come a walk with me but he would follow us in the car and always just hover around, it was so weird. One day she was standing chatting to me at my door before we went a walk, he had dropped her off 15 minutes before. We live in a cul-de-sac so there was literally no reason to come into our street but I looked up and saw him drive straight past my house. He was obviously planning to drive past then realised she was still there, he didn’t even look in or wave and I just got such stalker vibes from the whole thing. I said to my husband I didn’t ever want to leave our little girl with them without one of us being there because of his weird behaviour and he agreed he’s definitely controlling.

She’s never offered to help or asked to babysit so the conversation has never came up luckily and she goes to nursery now but this week she has randomly texted me asking to take her to her house regularly. My child doesn’t even know who she is as she sees her once every 6 weeks if she’s lucky. I felt so put on the spot by it as I have no way of telling her no without saying why. I’ve said I’d be more than happy for her to spend more time with her at our house or we can arrange days out at the weekend (which they won’t do as he won’t leave the house). She’s said no to both options and only wants to take her to their house on her own. My husband is now saying itl be fine and since I have the problem I should tell her why, I think he knows it’s not fine but gets defensive because it’s his mum. He still agrees that his behaviour is extremely weird. What can I say? Should he speak to her about him? Am I being over dramatic? Just don’t really want to take the risk, especially when they’ve made no effort before now!

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 09/03/2023 19:46

No no no noooo, nope. No way would I be dropping a child to that house, in a month of Sundays.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:47

@GoldDuster thanks, I didn’t think so!

OP posts:
MrNook · 09/03/2023 19:49

Absolutely not!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
PeekAtYou · 09/03/2023 19:49

If my child didn't even recognize her then it would be an easy no.

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 09/03/2023 19:49

Trust your instincts. This guy sounds like a creep. Why would you want your
precious child around someone so weird.

pretendingtobezen · 09/03/2023 19:50

You are 100% right. Your child, your rules. You’ve given options and they’ve been turned down. It’s one thing for a 5+ year old to consent and say yes I was to go to someone’s house. My toddler would go beserk at being left with anyone he saw that infrequently - with creepy vibes aside.

please please please stick to your guns. You and your child owe others nothing. Stay strong xx

Crumbelina · 09/03/2023 19:50

Absolutely no way. If I was in the same situation I wouldn't even entertain the idea and wouldn't care who I offend by refusing. My child's safety would always come first.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/03/2023 19:51

Can you do one of those law searches on him? He sounds bloody dangerous. Does your dh not care about his mum being in this situation?!

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 19:52

Noooooo. Definitely not. What you described is coercive control from the man to your MIL. It’s a form of abuse, and a crime. You need to protect your daughter from experiencing it.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:53

@pretendingtobezen i think because you see so many things on here of parents not letting grandparents see their grandkids makes me feel pressured into letting her see her but I have offered options and would be happy for her to see her more, just not with that creep when one of us isn’t there. The problem is what evidence do I actually have other than stories of the fact he’s clearly controlling? I have nothing to prove he’s any sort of danger to children so probably can’t address it and will just need to say no

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 09/03/2023 19:53

No

the answer is no

just say no

and repeat your offer to host her regularly at your house

"no, I don't want to leave my DD in any relatives care, but you are welcome to come and have lunch with us on Tuesdays"

or similar

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 19:53

Also, an abusing man is more likely to be abusive to a child.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:53

@Wasywasydoodah this was the exact phrase I said to my husband today but he just shrugs it off as he doesn’t want to have to face a difficult conversation

OP posts:
Pointeless · 09/03/2023 19:54

Absolutely not.
Your poor mil though ☹️

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:55

@EscapeRoomToTheSun i think because she’s been with him that long and is so set in these very weird ways he just sees it as what they do but as I’m maybe slightly newer to the situation I’m like this is seriously odd!

OP posts:
Greenshake · 09/03/2023 19:55

You should say no and you should tell her why. That might just be the jolt she needs.

GoldDuster · 09/03/2023 19:56

You don't need evidence, you just be honest and say that you don't feel comfortable.

Saving feelings, even those of your DH and MIL is not the priority.

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 19:56

Youre spot on. I do this kind of thing for my job, but in your situation I would talk to her about coercive control on a walk, explain what it is and why you’re worried about her. She might never talk to you again though. But sometimes you have to address the elephant in the room and it might help her. Easy for me to say, though …

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:56

@Greenshake i would really hope that would be the case but she is so blinded by it I really don’t think she has any idea. I think she would probably turn on me and tell everyone I’m not letting her see her granddaughter

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 19:57

*but gets defensive because it’s his mum*and yet he appears to have done bugger all about the fact his mother is in a very unpleasant and controlling relationship

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 19:57

DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:56

@Greenshake i would really hope that would be the case but she is so blinded by it I really don’t think she has any idea. I think she would probably turn on me and tell everyone I’m not letting her see her granddaughter

If she does this, then so be it. You have to protect your child.

mac1974 · 09/03/2023 19:58

No I wouldn't and I would tell her why but I would also express concern for her being in a controlling relationship. Does your DH spend much time there? For me, having one of you present is the only way you could start to build this relationship up.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 19:58

DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:56

@Greenshake i would really hope that would be the case but she is so blinded by it I really don’t think she has any idea. I think she would probably turn on me and tell everyone I’m not letting her see her granddaughter

But given what you have said… it will be clear to anyone she says this to, that her partner is a controlling twat.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:58

@Vegrocks I would agree and have said so many times about it!

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 09/03/2023 19:58

DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:56

@Greenshake i would really hope that would be the case but she is so blinded by it I really don’t think she has any idea. I think she would probably turn on me and tell everyone I’m not letting her see her granddaughter

Then let that be so. Far far far better than the possibility of the alternative.