Not comfortable with MIL watching toddler because of her partner

[DCxx]

My MIL was once outgoing, had friends, a job, left the house and did normal things. She has been with her partner for 10 years but very quickly stopped doing anything or going anywhere when they got together. She stopped working, doesn’t have any friends or hobbies now and can’t even go to the shop without him having to go with her. I’ve always found him very creepy and like there’s just something off about him.

Since having our little girl just over two years ago it became more apparent that she literally can’t leave the house without him and he’s very controlling. She’ll say no to going places (because he says no). She has barely seen our child. At first she used to come a walk with me but he would follow us in the car and always just hover around, it was so weird. One day she was standing chatting to me at my door before we went a walk, he had dropped her off 15 minutes before. We live in a cul-de-sac so there was literally no reason to come into our street but I looked up and saw him drive straight past my house. He was obviously planning to drive past then realised she was still there, he didn’t even look in or wave and I just got such stalker vibes from the whole thing. I said to my husband I didn’t ever want to leave our little girl with them without one of us being there because of his weird behaviour and he agreed he’s definitely controlling.

She’s never offered to help or asked to babysit so the conversation has never came up luckily and she goes to nursery now but this week she has randomly texted me asking to take her to her house regularly. My child doesn’t even know who she is as she sees her once every 6 weeks if she’s lucky. I felt so put on the spot by it as I have no way of telling her no without saying why. I’ve said I’d be more than happy for her to spend more time with her at our house or we can arrange days out at the weekend (which they won’t do as he won’t leave the house). She’s said no to both options and only wants to take her to their house on her own. My husband is now saying itl be fine and since I have the problem I should tell her why, I think he knows it’s not fine but gets defensive because it’s his mum. He still agrees that his behaviour is extremely weird. What can I say? Should he speak to her about him? Am I being over dramatic? Just don’t really want to take the risk, especially when they’ve made no effort before now!

I assume your DH wants you to facilitate this (unless the plan is for him to drop your DD round there after work, or at the weekend).

So just say no, and tell your MIL you are very busy in the week but she is welcome to do things with all three of you (DD, DH and you, NOT her partner) at the weekend.

@mac1974 no he doesn’t see her much and never has but I think he mainly doesn’t visit now because of him. I have said in my panic that she’s welcome to come here any day but I know she isn’t going to take me up on that offer anyway

You've given her options, she's declined. I think you've done enough. At a push you could say as your child doesn't know them well you wouldn't be comfortable spending time without you so any contact needs to be on your patch at least until your child gets to.know them better?

@Saschka yes as DH is at work during the week it would be me that would have to do the dropping off (not that I will be). I said when I returned to work after maternity leave that I was really busy in the week now but she could let DH know about doing something at the weekend, she never did

So many alarm bells ringing there! So sad as well that your mil is in this relationship

@Winederlust I did think about saying something like this but then it’s as if we’re building up to that when in reality it’s never going to happen

Your DH needs to accept what's under his nose and back you up on this, by prioritising your dd not their wishes. Your MIL sounds like she's in a bad situation, and turning a blind eye won't help. Abuse thrives in secrecy.

No way on earth would she go there.

Why all of a sudden does she want her gc at her house without you or your partner?

no no no no no.

As for your husband he can fuck off. I'd be so angry with him.

I fact I'd tell the MIL the reasons WHY I'm not allowing it to happen.

Don't worry about being kind....protect your child.

@Aftjbtibg glad it’s not just me!

@GoldDuster totally! I wish she would come out with me now so that I could see him follow us again and make a point of saying something as it’s happening. I was so taken aback the last time I just thought omg I need to tell him about this tonight! She’s very abrupt and loud so I think that’s what makes it more intimidating to actually point out the obvious, for me anyway, he should be able to!

I’d just say that DD is very young (she is) and likely wouldn’t be comfortable spending an extended period of time in a home she doesn’t know especially as she doesn’t know her (the grandmother) that well. You’d love it if DD could build more of a bond with her but let’s start with you or DH around.
I think there is probably a time and place for discussion about her partner but it’s a sensitive conversation so can’t be rushed.

I guess my thoughts were she wouldn't accept that option anyway and you could shut it down that way as you've offered all possible compromises.
I think, taking the creep partner out of the equation I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my child alone with someone they barely know at a strange house...maybe that could be your angle (not that you need any reason to say no!)?

Nope I wouldn't

I would ask if she'd like to come to various child related activities there's only one space left for though- I used to have my MIL attend some toddler classes, soft play etc with me for her to spend time with DS and avoid a different but awkward situation where I didn't want to leave alone

Can you use Clare’s Law or Sarah’s Law to see if there’s any police record of him?

Even if there’s not he doesn’t sound like someone you’d want your child near!

Thing is, if you encourage contact at a venue you decide and in your presence, if she accepts then you can get her on her own to talk to her about her relationship. If she declines for no logical reason then that's more evidence of control and even reason to say no to more contact.

I definitely a frank conversation with her has to happen sooner or later. Preferably from your DH but if you have to I'd do it myself!

No waaaay. What's more important, the safety of your child or preserving the feelings of a man who you already don't particularly want in your life?

If she's offended on his behalf, it just might start the ball rolling for her of seeing what she's missing out on by being with him?

Absolutely no way. No no no. And I would tell her why. No way do you want your daughter growing up thinking his behaviour and their relationship is acceptable.

Can't you and your husband go round there during the weekend, or will they not let you in the house? If he's serious about wanting to build a relationship between your DC and his DM then that's a good way forward. Take it slowly - visit her until she and DC know each other a little. Then visit and drop in that you saw a great little park on the way, or DC is getting a bit restless shall we take her for a walk, or oh the cutest thing now is that she loves having a babycino shall we head out to Costa and see what happens. Best-case scenario you manage to extract MIL from the house and get to have a chat with her. Worst-case her 'D'H gets weird about and you have more evidence.

Have you tried talking to her? Telling her how worried you are about her, saying you love her and you're concerned she is being controlled? Poor woman.

Anyone randomly asking to have a small child on their own and being adamant they don't want the parents there is a huge red flag, even without all the other stuff going on.

No chance. Supervised or not at all. 2 isn't old enough to tell you what's happened either. I'd be curious about the sudden interest too. Trust your instincts.

Absolutely not. Listen to your gut, if anything happens you will never be able to change it. Never.

He sounds possessive, and paranoid. And you quite rightly don't trust him.

She's been given opportunities, but maybe she isn't allowed. Which makes it all the more dodgy baby is allowed there without you.

Sounds like she needs a break could you book a day out, something suitable for you mil and baby, a kids show or petting zoo ir farm or something and just tell her I've booked tickets for us girls and baby to do this then, pick you up?

God not a hope OP, go with your gut on this one.

You don’t need to prove anything. You’ve said she can see your dd at your house or on a day out, she said no. You made the offer and she turned it down. The partner is causing this, not you.