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Original poster

Not comfortable with MIL watching toddler because of her partner

105 replies

DCxx · 09/03/2023 19:40

My MIL was once outgoing, had friends, a job, left the house and did normal things. She has been with her partner for 10 years but very quickly stopped doing anything or going anywhere when they got together. She stopped working, doesn’t have any friends or hobbies now and can’t even go to the shop without him having to go with her. I’ve always found him very creepy and like there’s just something off about him.

Since having our little girl just over two years ago it became more apparent that she literally can’t leave the house without him and he’s very controlling. She’ll say no to going places (because he says no). She has barely seen our child. At first she used to come a walk with me but he would follow us in the car and always just hover around, it was so weird. One day she was standing chatting to me at my door before we went a walk, he had dropped her off 15 minutes before. We live in a cul-de-sac so there was literally no reason to come into our street but I looked up and saw him drive straight past my house. He was obviously planning to drive past then realised she was still there, he didn’t even look in or wave and I just got such stalker vibes from the whole thing. I said to my husband I didn’t ever want to leave our little girl with them without one of us being there because of his weird behaviour and he agreed he’s definitely controlling.

She’s never offered to help or asked to babysit so the conversation has never came up luckily and she goes to nursery now but this week she has randomly texted me asking to take her to her house regularly. My child doesn’t even know who she is as she sees her once every 6 weeks if she’s lucky. I felt so put on the spot by it as I have no way of telling her no without saying why. I’ve said I’d be more than happy for her to spend more time with her at our house or we can arrange days out at the weekend (which they won’t do as he won’t leave the house). She’s said no to both options and only wants to take her to their house on her own. My husband is now saying itl be fine and since I have the problem I should tell her why, I think he knows it’s not fine but gets defensive because it’s his mum. He still agrees that his behaviour is extremely weird. What can I say? Should he speak to her about him? Am I being over dramatic? Just don’t really want to take the risk, especially when they’ve made no effort before now!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 09/03/2023 20:47

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 09/03/2023 20:41

Absolutely not. Listen to your gut, if anything happens you will never be able to change it. Never.

He sounds possessive, and paranoid. And you quite rightly don't trust him.

She's been given opportunities, but maybe she isn't allowed. Which makes it all the more dodgy baby is allowed there without you.

Sounds like she needs a break could you book a day out, something suitable for you mil and baby, a kids show or petting zoo ir farm or something and just tell her I've booked tickets for us girls and baby to do this then, pick you up?

The partner won’t let OP’s MIL out without him.
Poor woman, I dread to think what her life is like.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 20:51

@Comeonbarbiebrianharvey i think most likely she would just say no outright, as she did when I suggested us going a walk. I might try to suggest something small like get her to my house alone if she’ll ever come then suggest going out for a coffee and just gradually getting her to see there is like outside her living room

OP posts:
WunWun · 09/03/2023 20:51

As he's that controlling, I would be concerned that this is his idea..

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MaidOfSteel · 09/03/2023 20:54

I think your husband is really letting you and your daughtet down here. It is his responsibility to talk to his mother and he's shirking it.

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 20:58

Actually, it’s so weird and so specific that this request had come out of the blue, and your counter-offer so immediately rejected, that I wonder if it wasn’t suggested by him. I think you should consider a Claire’s Law search. Maaaaaajor spidey senses pinging.

gazpachosoupday · 09/03/2023 21:02

I am not sure what I would be saying to your MIL but I would be telling your husband, that you want you daughter to see positive relationships and role models

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:05

@Fraaahnces she worded it as ‘we’ as well, when he has never taken anything to do with her. She tries to get her to call him grandad and writes on any presents that it’s from ‘grandad _his name’ too.. NOPE!

OP posts:
Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:08

MaidOfSteel · 09/03/2023 20:54

I think your husband is really letting you and your daughtet down here. It is his responsibility to talk to his mother and he's shirking it.

I think this post has been really helpful. I’ve just told him I’ve posted it and read out all the comments to him. He seems to have come round to the idea of confronting this situation now and can see that he needs to be the one to repeat the offer of when she can come to see her, but to let her know that WE don’t feel comfortable with her going to their house as she doesn’t know them well. Then he’s going to attempt to say about her relationship whenever he can get her down to our house without him

OP posts:
Dashel · 09/03/2023 21:09

I think you should all go to theirs and then see if you can separate them so one of you can talk to his mum and offer her help. Even if this means your DH says I think my car sounds bad can you take a look or could I borrow a tool or something.

It really sounds like she needs some help

lemmein · 09/03/2023 21:11

AutumnLeaves5 · 09/03/2023 20:10

Can you use Clare’s Law or Sarah’s Law to see if there’s any police record of him?

Even if there’s not he doesn’t sound like someone you’d want your child near!

100% this.

Have you googled his name OP? Has he always lived locally? Oh, and does he have any kids of his own?

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:12

@Dashel they live in quite a small house and he sits attached to this chair the entire time. He wouldn’t ever offer to help anyone with anything and doesn’t have any ‘tools’ due to doing absolutely nothing. I think it would be easier to somehow get her out the house alone, although I’m not sure how. He’s going to phone her and suggest she comes to our house again, then question why not if she says no

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 09/03/2023 21:13

How did mil meet him? Anyone Googled him? Imo he has been waiting for an opportunity.. And is expecting mil and you to give him one.

You would be failing your dd to even have her around this man supervised... Takes seconds op. Seconds.
Ime.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:14

@lemmein i have and can’t find anything on him. I did look into the Claire’s law thing when we first had our daughter but it seems like you have to raise a thing with the police for it so decided not to. This is the best bit.. yip, has children and grandchildren of his own, quite a few and guess what, doesn’t see them

OP posts:
Corah5 · 09/03/2023 21:14

This is exactly why I don’t let my MIL babysit. Her boyfriend is creepy and makes weird comments, and he has a big dog. Not saying he’s a danger - he’s just a complete unknown quantity. He hasn’t raised DH and we have no idea about his past really. Better safe than sorry!

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:15

@Corah5 sorry you have the same situation.. how do you deal with it? Have you had to say why outright?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 21:15

She’s said no to both options and only wants to take her to their house on her own.

Then it's a no. That's actually the easy part.

The hard part is that MIL is clearly in a very controlling and unhealthy relationship. If she does nothing without him, and he controls everything, I'd be amazed if this wasn't his idea. And I don't mean to sound paranoid, but abusers often have an age they are abusive to. Nothing for two years and now suddenly she wants your toddler alone? Hard no.

I'd be angling for her to come for tea or whatever. But my child would never be with him, without me.

Redebs · 09/03/2023 21:15

Why would she suddenly ask for your child? Has her partner told her to, do you think?

Redebs · 09/03/2023 21:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2023 21:15

She’s said no to both options and only wants to take her to their house on her own.

Then it's a no. That's actually the easy part.

The hard part is that MIL is clearly in a very controlling and unhealthy relationship. If she does nothing without him, and he controls everything, I'd be amazed if this wasn't his idea. And I don't mean to sound paranoid, but abusers often have an age they are abusive to. Nothing for two years and now suddenly she wants your toddler alone? Hard no.

I'd be angling for her to come for tea or whatever. But my child would never be with him, without me.

Snap!

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett yeah it’s all very creepy when you spend any time thinking about it. He has children and grandchildren of his own and doesn’t see any of them. There must be a reason why they want nothing to do with him surely

OP posts:
Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:18

@Redebs i thought someone had asked her how often she babysits or something and that’s what’s spurred her into this random ask, as she’ll no doubt have made out she doesn’t see her because of me, when I’ve repeated again and again that she’s welcome any time but she’s just never made the effort, or never been allowed out

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 09/03/2023 21:20

Just repeat parrot fashion that SHE is welcome at your home anytime..

Heartsandbirds · 09/03/2023 21:20

DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett yeah it’s all very creepy when you spend any time thinking about it. He has children and grandchildren of his own and doesn’t see any of them. There must be a reason why they want nothing to do with him surely

@DCxx it was a hard no before you wrote this. We are NC with DH’s family. It doesn’t happen lightly. Don’t risk your daughter. Ugh. What @MrsTerryPratchett said sums it up.

lemmein · 09/03/2023 21:20

DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:14

@lemmein i have and can’t find anything on him. I did look into the Claire’s law thing when we first had our daughter but it seems like you have to raise a thing with the police for it so decided not to. This is the best bit.. yip, has children and grandchildren of his own, quite a few and guess what, doesn’t see them

Oh I definitely would follow up on that OP and put a request in with the police. Not to be all doom and gloom but if your relationship ever ended with your DH it's very likely the safeguarding you're putting in place now will go straight out the window with DH. I'd want to know what I was dealing with.

Of course he might not have a record - I know several abusive men who would pass a 'Claire's Law' check with flying colours, but they're still abusive arseholes. Always trust your gut - you don't owe anyone unsupervised access to your DD.

canfor · 09/03/2023 21:23

DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:17

@MrsTerryPratchett yeah it’s all very creepy when you spend any time thinking about it. He has children and grandchildren of his own and doesn’t see any of them. There must be a reason why they want nothing to do with him surely

That seals the deal! Just trust your instincts OP.

Original poster
DCxx · 09/03/2023 21:30

@canfor wish I knew who his children were to be able to speak to them but I didn’t even know he had any until last year or something when I happened to say to my husband about him not ever having had kids of his own and it turned out he had!

OP posts:
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