DD Fucked Up - what will happen

[TheCakeDiet]

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

Sorry if you’ve already answered this, but why on earth would Social Services be contacted?

I was living on my own three hours from home at 17, SS seems a bit bonkers?

Give her a break. She hasn’t committed murder. She moved a car forward a few feet and dinked a car in front. Hardly the crime of the century. 6 points and a ban is ridiculously over the top. She’s had a fright and learned her lesson please stop punishing her. She also needs to learn to keep her mouth shut around the police. They are jobsworths who live for this kind of bullying. No harm done if it weren’t for the nosey neighbour being totally ott.

This.

All of this.

Your DD has had a big wake up call and the consequences are intrinsic - she will need to pay for the repairs etc. But it does sound as if the police were giving her a Big Wake Up Call.

In a calm moment it might be good to remind her that apart from the 'idling' issues (honestly! Teens! Apparently trying not to wake his Mum but sitting outside creating engine noise and fumes! I know...I have had teens...) had she been using her phone whilst sitting chatting - on SM with their friends etc - she could also have been done for that, with the key in the ignition and the engine running.

And I agree that I wouldn't punish her any further. She's done a really stupid thing and she's facing real consequences. I think that's punishment enough.

My brother wrote off my Dads car driving too fast down a lane back in the 90s. He hadn't been drinking but was clearly going too fast. He's now high up in the police. I think teenagers just do stupid things. Try not to worry!

You should be able to rely on your husband as another adult and partner. So you could tell him and you could work together to figure out what exactly the consequences will be (fines, points, etc) and how you can best address your daughter's behaviour.

Instead youre in a panic about his reaction. That's pretty telling.

The other car owner is going to be pissed off when her insurance increases at next renewal, despite it not being her fault.

Thank God neither of them had been drinking or that would be a whole separate level of fuck-up.

I would be raging and there would be no way I would be taking anything to do with her driving now. She would be on her own.

parent of the year right there. One small mistake and you’re dead to them! 🙄

I feel the same.

Having an accident when insured tax and with a licence is different.

She broke the law. She drove a car when she knows she wasn't Insured and hasn't passed her driving test.

I wouldn't let her learn to drive again on my watch. She would have to sort all that herself.

I can't believe you're colluding to hide it from your DH.

Not "dead to me". I just wouldn't facilitate them learning to drive.

She broke the law. She drove uninsured and without a licence. I don't understand why anyone would facilitate her driving after that?

Yip. Aren't they just.

Fwiw I wouldn't punish her - I just wouldn't facilitate her learning to drive and I wouldn't be giving her lifts unless it suited me.

I’m sure people will hate me for saying it could have been worse, and fair dues to her for owning up, but it’s all true. We’ve all done idiotic things (I once tried to drive my drunk friend’s car home, had a full licence but couldn’t handle it (crazy sounded up engine!) and just left it by the side of the road. Hugs to you all

Is likely she's going to get points on her licence one she passes.

I say the sooner she passes her test the better, as the clock starts ticking... but DVLA may not actually do anything.

Best to get the 5 years that points are on your licence down a quickly as possible or her insurance will be sky high. It'll already be high, even without the potential points.

She messed up, but it's a lesson learned.

She broke the law. She drove uninsured and without a licence. I don't understand why anyone would facilitate her driving after that

because parents are meant to guide and help their children. She made a mistake, she’s sorry. Now she needs to learn how to drive and be a responsible road user. You’re very worked up about this - you’ve made loads of posts banging on about ‘law and order’. I feel sorry for your kids!

Well my 2 youngest have crashed a car by pulling the handbrake off on a hill and my second oldest also accidentally moved the car but luckily only into a gate so no one else involved. All pre 10 years old

At the risk of coming under fire here... As an irresponsible teenager, I let one of my friends drive my car. I was 17 and just passed my test and she had a provisional license. We were in an empty trading estate, not another person had been around for the 45 minutes we'd been there. Of course, the second she took the handbrake off the police showed up. We both got a bloody good telling off and warned that the DVLA would be informed and both of us could be in trouble, points bans etc.

I was not a lovely honest teen like your DD so I didn't breathe a word of it and watched the post like a hawk for a good 6 months.

Nothing ever came of it. Never heard another thing and I had my license checked frequently for my job over the next several years.

She didn't really drive though did she @bhiffandcip

Well technically she did but moving the car 5 yards is hardly the same as going on a drug fuelled car chase. Some perspective is probably helpful here.

I would like to think I'm the sort of parent that could be understanding of the fact that young people sometimes make stupid choices. Punish her by all means. Tell her she's stupid. But never helping her drive, threatening legal action...it's all a bit much isn't it?

Driving without a license, driving without insurance and taking without the owner's consent. How the fuck do you think the police abused their authority?

she does need to feel the weight of that a little - even if it means she stops and thinks next time

I suspect she's feeling the weight already and you don't need to add anything to it. She's going to suffer the consequences without you adding anything. 6 points, possible ban, no car.

Not worth making a massive fuss about, she fucked up, it's good that the consequences are so relatively major but not life changing, for such a minor mistake. It's a good lesson to learn, that sometimes just being a bit silly can have huge consequences, out of all proportion to the silliness. If she learns from this, it will be a really good lesson and will stand her in good stead.

Personally I wouldn’t call the police. It’s opening a can of worms and DVLA will probably be powerless to do anything but the police may reconsider. Your dd will be punished enough by natural consequences as the damage will need paying.

Agree, they weren't abusing their authority, they were using it to do her a favour, impressing on her how relatively unscathed she's been.

Massive overreaction by everyone if what you've written is what actually happened. Your poor DD. I hope you stick up for her when your 'D'H is ranting

Not "dead to me". I just wouldn't facilitate them learning to drive.

She broke the law. She drove uninsured and without a licence. I don't understand why anyone would facilitate her driving after that?

Because regardless of this stupid mistake she's made, driving is a really useful life skill that she will probably need. And because people's lives should not be significantly shaped over the long term by dimwitted one-off errors of judgement they made as teenagers.

And also because your willingness to support and help your children thrive in the long term should never be made conditional on them behaving perfectly. That's pretty much parenting 101