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Original poster

DD Fucked Up - what will happen

581 replies

TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 12:44

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 16/03/2023 10:05

I’m so sorry you received the letter OP. I think your reaction to this has been really measured throughout. From what you have posted your DD is a good child having a really tough time. There are always hysterical posters on mumsnet (particularly these days) who are perfect and to whom any mistakes are unforgivable. I worry about the future mental health of their children more than that of your DD - who has a loving and supportive mother who has brought her up to accept responsibility for her actions.

Maybe in a weird way this will end up being a good thing? She will have had a shock and I bet she will be incredibly careful about driving in future. You live in London so it’s not a disaster even if she doesn’t get her license for a few years.

BTW my DH was also very ranty and shouty. We have made some recent changes that mean he is not so at the moment but it’s incredibly stressful and draining trying to manage it when he is and I feel for you. I hope you are ok.

Bornin1989 · 16/03/2023 10:11

A bit of a side note - very disturbed at all the people saying you shouldn't have hugged her. Hugging is an expression of love.

Love is not a reward, love is love. You can love someone and be angry at them. You can hug someone and still disapprove of what they did.

Your DD knows what she did was wrong, she's upset, remorseful and looks like she's getting punished, but she's still your DD and needs to know that mum will love her regardless. Good on you for hugging her!

Bunce1 · 16/03/2023 10:24

Really gutted the report was filed and they have followed it up.

Sounds like your Dd was daft but she dealt with it. And I think she’s been punished enough. Such a shame.

sunshinesupermum · 16/03/2023 10:25

It might be better to focus on how good it is to be honest and face up to the consequences. And to look at understanding and accepting the mistake and learning from it.

This. No-one was hurt, damage was minor, kids owned up to what they were doing. I feel sorry for your DD. IMO police over reacted to neighbour's call (as did neighbour).

user1492757084 · 16/03/2023 10:38

She will be fine. Bad things happen to good people every day. She will learn a lesson but will make mistakes again, like us all, in the furure.
Thankfully everyone is safe.
Tell your husband when your daughter is not about so that he calms down. Perhaps even when one of his good mates (an extra calm mate) is around nearby.

TheInterceptor · 16/03/2023 10:51

sunshinesupermum · 16/03/2023 10:25

It might be better to focus on how good it is to be honest and face up to the consequences. And to look at understanding and accepting the mistake and learning from it.

This. No-one was hurt, damage was minor, kids owned up to what they were doing. I feel sorry for your DD. IMO police over reacted to neighbour's call (as did neighbour).

Neighbour was reacting to a spate of car thefts in the area and saw unknown persons getting into the mother's car. The lady whose car was hit is going to have raised premiums for several years, despite it not being her fault.

NonsenseBinary · 16/03/2023 10:53

When I read the title I thought it'd be way worse than this. I'd tell her that you're going to have to tell her dad then speak to him and tell him to speak to her calmly rather than lose his shit as she's already upset with what she's done and it won't of benefit him having a go at her.
Yes, it was a daft thing to do and its going to affect her being able to drive but once the points have been taken off then she'll be back to a clean slate. There's lots of teenagers that manage without a car. But I'd be more concerned if she was taking drugs for instance. Try to get it in perspective.No one has been hurt. In years to come it'll be one of those things you all laugh about.

Barannca · 16/03/2023 11:00

The lady whose car was hit is going to have raised premiums for several years, despite it not being her fault.
No she isn't because she said it was an old battered car and isn't going to claim* *

sunshinesupermum · 16/03/2023 11:01

TheInterceptor having read the thread the car that was bumped into has a lot off bumps and scratches already. Doubt the relevant insurance company is going to charge higher premiums! If it is insured at all.

parent1709 · 16/03/2023 11:22

OP I promise you this - you and DD and DD BF will be fine. This was a simple human error made by two kids with zero malice intended. Moreover, they were totally honest before, during, and after. No one was injured. Obviously police and social services have to go through the usual procedures of contacting you etc but trust me DD will be laughing about this when she is mum in a few years.

mumto2teenagers · 16/03/2023 11:26

She was driving with no insurance, therefore could receive 6 points and could receive a driving ban.

Given the circumstances, I suspect the police have decided not to charge her, but were vague as want to scare her a bit. Or need to check with a more senior colleague.

pizzaHeart · 16/03/2023 11:26

I don’t think having keys and putting the engine on equals going for a joy ride straight away. They took the key to go into the car and put on engine because it’s cold - it’s a common sense surely. They were talking about their news and driving lessons were mentioned and then they were talking about different cars and so on . It’s a stupid mistake but not so unusual tbh.
Hope you’ll resolve as best as possible OP.

moveoverye · 16/03/2023 11:26

Thisistyresome · 16/03/2023 09:24

As screw ups go this is small. If she drove drunk and hurt someone that would be major. If she passes her test and has a 6 month ban that sucks but her life will go on. Incidentally points on a licence need to be issued by a court, not an administrative agency (they just update the system).

In 5 years time all she will be looking at is needing to declare it on rare occasions she is needing an enhanced criminal records check (things like security clearance). Social services are not going to care if it was a kid with a provisional licence moving a car 5 feet (it will be a tick box issue), they have serious stuff to deal with. As there has been talk of points you may want to check what is happening as that would require a referral to the court system.

She will be feeling really shit after this, I would suggest not escalating it further. As a parent you need to ensure perspective is taken (perhaps tell your DH and remind him of this).

DBS (the new CRB) checks do not include traffic offences.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 16/03/2023 11:26

I'm annoyed at the people saying you shouldnt have hugged her as though that would be a suitable punishment for her. Hugs should be dished out when they are needed. Best of luck OP.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/03/2023 11:36

It's all very unfortunate but we can't know what would have happened of there hadn't been an old banger in front of the car.

The issue for me is that the op's dd sat in the driver's seat, turned on the ignition and presumably didn't have the owner's permission to do so. Regrettably it is unlawful to use a car without the owner's permission, to drive a car without a licence and to drive without valid insurance.

Had the car in front been new and expensive there would have been a huge furore and I suspect the OP or boys' family could have had a very big bill to foot.

It was a stupid mistake but the issue is the consequences of it.

OhwhyOY · 16/03/2023 11:38

Does she have to go to court? I hope despite this shock all works out OK, hopefully they will go easy on her. To be honest given police are so under-resourced they can't investigate burglaries or rapes I have no idea why the system isn't just that the police could give her a caution (or even a telling off) and be done with it. Why did they even come out? What a waste of everyone's time, and so upsetting for your daughter. Unfortunately all teenagers have the capacity to be total idiots, even the best of them.

Minfilia · 16/03/2023 11:38

Hopefully it’s just points OP but poor DD!

Noname77 · 16/03/2023 11:48

CantFindTheBeat · 06/03/2023 13:07

Oh, OP.

I think you might be over-reacting a bit.

Yes, sounds like there will be consequences, but it's not like she chose to take it out for a drive.

She moved it forward out of curiosity and has had a really unfortunate result.

If she's not a bad kid in general I would cut her some slack. Poor girl.

This.

KLFisgonnarockyou · 16/03/2023 11:50

i hope it’s just points too

Thisistyresome · 16/03/2023 12:00

Sugarfree23 · 16/03/2023 09:30

Well really all of us were teens at some point. Most of us wouldn't have got in the drivers seat of someone's car without a licence etc.

I'm finding it increasingly incredible that the 3rd party doesn't want to claim the insurance for the 'dink'.

Show quote history

I have had people ding my car and let it go. It depends on whether you think it is worth it. I had someone drive in to me in a car park and even though it was not my fault (I was stationary with the hand break on), it put my insurance up due to the "have you been involved in an accident in the last 5 years regardless of fault?"

I wouldn't have driven someone else's car but I have done many stupid things in my life, and if we are looking at a situation where no one is hurt (or even put in danger) it is something to fix and move on from.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 12:03

I hope the consequences aren't too bad.

Still baffled as to why they were in the car and why she was out & about that late if not welcomed at the boyfriend's house. The devil finds work for idle hands, as the expression goes. Sigh.

onthecoast · 16/03/2023 12:03

This all seems like a mountain being made out of a molehill. Yes, she made a mistake but she seems contrite. Just accept the consequences, be civil, and move on. When I saw the OP title I thought she must have been caught with a kilo of cocaine while robbing a bank! She bumped a car. I did far worse and my kids got into the odd scrape but IMO the worst thing you can do is make her feel like she’s committed some terrible crime. Give her a hug and tell her that it’ll all blow over, and don’t make her feel worse.

Hotvimto3 · 16/03/2023 12:10

I dont think anything will happen other than the damaged car needing to be repaired. If they are happy with money good. However if they pursue the uninsured driver option they will have to make a complaint to the police

The issue with asking her boyfriends mum re prosecution is they could have done her for twoc. They havnt.
Unless prosecuted the dvla cant issue points or anything.
The police havnt charged her, but im surprised they didnt just straight up say the issue was hitting the car infront as an uninsured driver rather than fannying around clearly not knowing what they are talking about.
Best case scenario... damaged car owner accepts payment and apolgy and forgets about it.
Worst.. owner of hit car pursues prosecution and its careless driving and driving without insurance... ban, fine and points.

Surplus2requirements · 16/03/2023 12:18

I do wish people would at least read the OPs updates

Original poster
TheCakeDiet · 16/03/2023 12:39

Thanks All.

Latest is that the neighbour who called the police in the first instance has now made a statement. From what I understand, the contents pretty much support what DD has told me, but nonetheless it's another strike against her - the fact that someone wanted to make a statement. She has also said she has phone footage of them getting into the car and sitting there for ages before DD moved the car forward... I don't know if this will add to the pressure to prosecute?

Having re-read the letter, they are now 'looking at the case' so I guess someone will be deciding how far to take it.

We told DH. He was pretty measured actually. He is cross that DD has jeopardized her chance at getting a car and being independent for something so small, and he was alway really clear that had she pulled out and started driving on the road, she would have been risking other people and she must never ever etc. But he also commented that a seven police car response and handcuffs (on the BF) was slightly overkill and that it would be great if they responded to everything with such enthusiasm.

So we will wait and see. Whatever happens, now that DH knows and we have the letter, the drama has abated somewhat. DD is more relaxed knowing that we aren't going to punish her any more than she has already been punished and that if the worst comes to the worst, we are in it with her.

I have posted in legal - which actually turned out to be more viper-y than 'chat'! So wouldn't mind any advice on whether it's worth seeking legal advice or just sucking up points/ban/whatever they throw at her?

OP posts: