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Original poster

DD Fucked Up - what will happen

581 replies

TheCakeDiet · 06/03/2023 12:44

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

OP posts:
sonjadog · 16/03/2023 07:35

Teenagers do stupid shit. She has got a fright. This too shall pass. Deal with it and move on. She has learnt an important lesson for the future, like many teens do.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2023 07:36

The thing you can do for your daughter is cut the drama.

It sounds potentially like she’ll get away completely shot free but if there are ramifications then she will have to face up to them.

The potential ramifications aren’t exactly that bad though.

But dd knew she had a provisional license and moved the car. That was wrong and really stupid. So she needs to grow up and deal with it.

OddSockSeeker · 16/03/2023 07:36

That must’ve frightened you. All very dramatic. She must feel terrible. Be glad no one was harmed. I feel her consequences are the police and the DVLA. She’s only human, she fucked up but at the end of the day her intentions weren’t bad. She’s a child, she’s still learning about life. We’ve all fucked up Sounds like a difficult house to make mistakes in if your husband carries on like that. I fucked up as a child and my Grandma’s response was unlike anyone else’s. She was loving and connected with me by telling me about things she’d done wrong as a child. I learnt more from my open & safe discussions with her than all of the other adults paddying around me and shouting. It was such an act of love. Be kind to her especially if she’s already struggling.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2023 07:38

She’s a child

No she isn’t, she’s 17. Not quite legally an adult but old enough to drive a car, amongst many other things.

She is absolutely certainly old enough to take responsibility for this.

Brefugee · 16/03/2023 07:41

it's not clear from the OP - which car sustained the small scratch? I'm assuming the BF's mum's car.

But as pp have pointed out, it isn't the "victim" who presses charges in the UK, it's the police.

bhiffandcip · 16/03/2023 07:46

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2023 07:36

The thing you can do for your daughter is cut the drama.

It sounds potentially like she’ll get away completely shot free but if there are ramifications then she will have to face up to them.

The potential ramifications aren’t exactly that bad though.

But dd knew she had a provisional license and moved the car. That was wrong and really stupid. So she needs to grow up and deal with it.

The op says the letter came yesterday so it's unlikely she's getting away Scot free?

Snapdragonsoup · 16/03/2023 07:46

Your DH has a right to be cross if he and you would be paying the huge insurance premium when she eventually passes her test. It is an unfortunate mistake but also a sign of a certain amount of recklessness. It might be better to not facilitate her getting a car anytime soon and let her pay the insurance premium when the time comes. It was a little bumb this time but that sort of impulsivity could lead to something worse when she is behind the wheel driving after passing her test.

Snapdragonsoup · 16/03/2023 07:48

little bump !

crochetmonkey74 · 16/03/2023 07:48

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Jellyx · 16/03/2023 07:48

Social services will not get involved. Police reports involving under 16's are automatically shared with social work and then social work decide if they should be involved. They absolutely wouldn't be in this case.
Worst case scenario she has 6points and an expensive lesson here.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/03/2023 07:49

ZeldaB · 06/03/2023 13:27

I feel a bit sorry for your DD.

The boyfriend’s mum made a huge irresponsible mistake letting her teenage son have a car key when he only has a provisional licence. If she hadn’t done that none of this would have happened.

The boyfriend made a silly ‘show off’ decision to sit in a car with the engine on and his girlfriend in the driving seat despite her lack of a driving license, they should have either gone in the house or said bye.

She pressed the pedals for a laugh, but how on earth did she hit the car in front?! Weird.

Then the police searched them and scared them and were clearly enjoying the opportunity to bully an attractive teenage girl. I hope she was searched by a female officer and not groped by a bunch of creeps. They didn’t have to search the kids, they chose to and I don’t even see grounds making the search legal. The offences were driving without a fully licensed supervisor and (accidental) criminal damage to the other car. Neither of those offences indicate that a search is appropriate or necessary, see below.

Your DD committed an offence but she was also the victim of a nighttime search which may well have been illegal.

I would be asking the police for detail about why your child was searched. I would accept your DD’s apology and I wouldn’t punish her any firther by eg changing any plans re her getting her own car.

Re points on her license / driving ban I’d suggest speaking to a specialist lawyer as this may be avoidable if you appeal, I don’t know. But I’m concerned about the search.

—-

Stop and search: police powers
A police officer has powers to stop and search you if they have ‘reasonable grounds’ to suspect you’re carrying:

illegal drugs
a weapon
stolen property
something which could be used to commit a crime, such as a crowbar
You can only be stopped and searched without reasonable grounds if it has been approved by a senior police officer. This can happen if it is suspected that:

serious violence could take place
you’re carrying a weapon or have used one
you’re in a specific location or area
Before you’re searched
Before you’re searched the police officer must tell you:

their name and police station
what they expect to find, for example drugs
the reason they want to search you, for example if it looks like you’re hiding something
why they are legally allowed to search you
that you can have a record of the search and if this isn’t possible at the time, how you can get a copy

They searched them because a neighbour reported a ‘live’ car theft and they were at the car, looking at the damage when the police showed up. I think that’s grounds for a search.

LemonTT · 16/03/2023 07:50

Rosscameasdoody · 16/03/2023 07:29

With the exception of minor offences, whether to press charges is determined by the Crown Prosecution Service after reviewing any police evidence presented to them. The ‘victim’ - in this case BFs mum - can decide not to bring charges, but this is independent of any the police may want to bring themselves. Since the police have already told OP they’re not taking any further action, I don’t really understand what they are saying in relation to the DVLA - points and fines are determined on conviction of an offence and notified to DVLA, so if there’s no further action, there’s nothing to notify.

Presumably the owners of the cars need to get them repaired and make statements to insurers which align to those given to the police. The bf parents will need to say the car was taken without permission. They cannot say otherwise if making an insurance claim.

Someone called the police. Someone believed they had witnessed a crime. Reports were made to the police. Insurers will look at these reports. This is why it wasn’t treated as a teen lark.

The police don’t and shouldn’t make judgements about whether people did commit a crime. They certainly shouldn’t give someone a pass because of how they profile because that is bias.

crochetmonkey74 · 16/03/2023 07:52

As someone who works with teens, police and social services this seems unlikely.
First that the police responded so quickly, second that ss would be involved with a 17yr old mistake. Also the search is unlikely.

BertaHoon · 16/03/2023 07:52

Oh dear. A hard lesson learned (hopefully).

It's not the end of the world.

At least they weren't drinking in the car.

Consequences of actions is part of growing up I'm afraid.

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2023 07:55

The op says the letter came yesterday so it's unlikely she's getting away Scot free?

Okay so she needs to calmly face up to the consequences.

Verylongtime · 16/03/2023 07:57

It seems odd that you were even thinking of getting her a car before this. That seems unusually generous to me, so it’s sensible that is stopped. When she gets her own car, she’ll have to pay her own insurance. It should be nothing to do with you. If she’s on your car insurance policy, I’d remove her. She needs to have lesson only with an instructor. My DD had to wait until she was 24 until she could afford to buy and insure a car herself. Before that, she didn’t have access to a car at all.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 16/03/2023 07:58

sonjadog · 16/03/2023 07:35

Teenagers do stupid shit. She has got a fright. This too shall pass. Deal with it and move on. She has learnt an important lesson for the future, like many teens do.

This.
I wouldn't nail her to this cross with red hot nails, not because I think it doesn't matter, but because I think she'll likely punish herself enough in the weeks and months to come and, the embarrassment, police and fear is enough.
I'd just talk to her when the dust has settled about responsibility etc.
I vomited on a friend's parent's new carpet when drink once and ruined it, the mortification I still feel to this day... and the adults dealt with it fairly, if they'd crucified me it couldn't have made me feel worse but could've made me believe I was the worst person who ever existed which is not what you want.
You just want her to make it right, appreciate it was wrong and not do it again.

diddl · 16/03/2023 08:02

If teenagers do stupid shit & their brains aren't developed enough then perhaps the age to drive is too low?

Op's daughter has showed (imo) that she's not ready to drive so having to wait 6months or a year would seem appropriate to me.

Whooyou · 16/03/2023 08:02

Poor thing, it's the sort of thing I may have done! No malice intended and a hard lesson to learn for her. It may affect her insurance it may not, wait and see

MustardChair · 16/03/2023 08:03

lljkk · 16/03/2023 04:25

Hmmm, I guess I'm a minimiser then. Nothing bad happened, or indeed was at risk of happening. Everything can be fixed. It's just annoying, expensive, bit stressful, disruptive. Definitely one to laugh about in future. Not a should-be-livid disaster.

And if you can't see the funny side of this, as a future "stupid things that I did" story, then we have nothing in common, anyway.

I wonder about people who never did a screw up in life. How do you build resilience if you never made a mistake or failure of judgement? That part baffles me. Is it a deficit of ambition that led to "I never failed", or lack of awareness about one's genuine failures. Could be both.

I agree with this.

I hope that it all goes well, OP.

Anonhopingforbaby · 16/03/2023 08:03

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AliceInWonderlines · 16/03/2023 08:04

I took it to mean the other car (not DB's mum's) had been scratched?

Verylongtime · 16/03/2023 08:13

AliceInWonderlines · 16/03/2023 08:04

I took it to mean the other car (not DB's mum's) had been scratched?

Yes, that’s what I thought.

fUNNYfACE36 · 16/03/2023 08:20

I'm beginning to think this is all a wind up.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/03/2023 08:22

LemonTT · 16/03/2023 07:50

Presumably the owners of the cars need to get them repaired and make statements to insurers which align to those given to the police. The bf parents will need to say the car was taken without permission. They cannot say otherwise if making an insurance claim.

Someone called the police. Someone believed they had witnessed a crime. Reports were made to the police. Insurers will look at these reports. This is why it wasn’t treated as a teen lark.

The police don’t and shouldn’t make judgements about whether people did commit a crime. They certainly shouldn’t give someone a pass because of how they profile because that is bias.

Show quote history

Wouldn’t disagree with any of that - and don’t understand why anything in my post suggests to you that I was doing anything other than stating facts as they stood. As it is, the police are obviously taking some action, so there will be consequences.

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