DD Fucked Up - what will happen

[TheCakeDiet]

DD (17) called me last night sobbing. She has fucked up and all of her own making, but what I am trying to determine is what the consequences will be.

She went to her Boyfriend's house yesterday evening. It was quite late (as she had a day off school today) so they decided to sit in his mum's car to chat rather than risk waking her up.

DD sat in drivers seat for no particular reason. They put the engine on as it was cold and DD - for reasons that she can't really explain - moved the car forward about five feet. She has a provisional license only and her boyfriend the same. Meaning not qualified OR insured to be doing that. The only reason she can give is that she has only ever driven her lesson car and wanted to 'see how it felt'.

She knocked the car in front. Small scratch.

In the meantime, a 'concerned neighbour' noticed a boy in a black hoodie (boyfriend) getting into a car that she knows belongs to blond woman) his mum - and decided to report a possible 'live' car theft. Police arrived just as they were standing oven mouthed with horror and having dinked the car.

DD owned up straight away and gave her details and boyfriend's mum was woken and said she didn't want to pursue/press any charges (thank you thank you).

Police had initially searched DD and her BF thinking they were stealing the car but BF showed them the key and pointed to his house. Because they were searched (I believe?) the police had to bring dd home. They told me they wouldn't be pressing any charges and she has no record, but they do need to notify DVLA that she moved the car five feet. They have said they don't know exactly what will happen but she may get up to 6 points on her provisional license and a ban that will come into effect once she has passed her test.

We will also be contacted by Social Services.

I am livid. DD is hugely remorseful but tough shit.

I haven't even told DH yet as he will hit the roof and I didn't sleep all night and can't face it the ranting that will ensue.

I have told DD she must pay for any damage and write a letter of apology. I have also told her she will obviously now NOT get a car in the near future and we would have to wait and see what action DVLA take.

What I really want to know is what the DVLA consequences are likely to be. Police were vague - lots of 'might be this, might be that'... but also quite enjoying the fear they were putting into her - lot's of "you're lucky you aren't in a cell" etc. I have no problem with them giving her a scare, but it means it was hard to know what was the likely scenario so we don't know what to expect.

Anyone had anything similar?

Thank you

But I think it IS relevant that she had no plan to drive the car 'proper'. She was rolling it forward and had no intention of leaving the space or taking it onto the road. No one was ever in danger

That makes zero sense. She did drive the car. Stuck the keys in the ignition, turned it on and drove it - into another car. Just because she didn’t take it for a joyride around the block does not mean she didn’t drive the car, she did.

Hmmm, I guess I'm a minimiser then. Nothing bad happened, or indeed was at risk of happening. Everything can be fixed. It's just annoying, expensive, bit stressful, disruptive. Definitely one to laugh about in future. Not a should-be-livid disaster.

And if you can't see the funny side of this, as a future "stupid things that I did" story, then we have nothing in common, anyway.

I wonder about people who never did a screw up in life. How do you build resilience if you never made a mistake or failure of judgement? That part baffles me. Is it a deficit of ambition that led to "I never failed", or lack of awareness about one's genuine failures. Could be both.

.

straight question.would you have started and moved somebody else's parent's car at 17 without their permission or knowledge?
Yes or no?
I personally have screwed up sometimes, yes, but not in ways that show such a flagrant lack of respect and disregard for other people's valuable property.No

What a lot of fuss about nothing.
She dinked the car in front she couldn’t have been going fast enough to do any damage. Nosy neighbour and over zealous police officers.
Of course she shouldn’t have done it but what a drama.

Sorry but I cannot really understand your extreme anger or your husband’s. Police are overreacting and so are you.

• Yes she screwed up but is now facing consequences between paying for the damage and points on her license
• Points on a license are not forever
• Cannot understand the whole social services aspect but just answer their questions politely and move on

You need to support your daughter through her poor decision and not act like she’s the worst human ever.
I fcked up so much more than this as a teenager, and my brothers. The stories I could tell. Of course I had consequences but honestly my parents were like ‘well you’re older now you should know better’ I got a speeding ticket for 20miles over about 2 weeks after getting my license. And my dad said ‘Your one and only warning. Do it again and i will sell your car’ I had to go to traffic school and pay the ticket and it was enough!!!

Oh poor thing. I hope you’ve got your head around this by now and that you and your dh are supporting her.

Sad to read this OP...hope your daughter is feeling ok and I hope her dads not too harsh on her

Jesus I can’t believe you got a letter. Husband and I watch the police driving shows on tv and laugh in amazement at the tiny fines people get for things like driving while disqualified, no insurance etc.

I’d have thought the bollocking of the police be enough and them perhaps checking the damage was paid for.

Fingers crossed it gets sorted quickly. I’m sure she feels terrible but we all fuck up in life and learn from it. Big hugs to you, it must be so stressful xx

I can't believe that you got a letter either. Absolute overkill. This is what police are wasting their time on? FFS.

How are you doing today, OP?

i expect money is owed
i expect someone has a fine

You seem to be massively overreacting.
She made a mistake.
Calm down you really are making things worse!
As a parent you need to defuse situations and make them better for the child not run around screaming and flapping your arms shouting about being DOOMED!

She screwed up. She needs to pay for the damage. You should stop her driving lessons until she is responsible enough to drive. You aren't going to get to the bottom of why she did this or what she was doing if you act the way you are.

But I think it IS relevant that she had no plan to drive the car 'proper'. She was rolling it forward and had no intention of leaving the space or taking it onto the road. No one was ever in danger

Tell that to a cop if you have your car keys in your hand (or you want to open it to sleep in it) when you've been drinking.

The main thing is, OP, that you and your daughter handle this with maturity. This is where parenting really comes in. No matter how you feel inside, you must show your daughter that you are calm and things happen and you have to deal with it and accept the consequences.

Then draw a line under it.

Just reading this and can believe how some posters are so hostile and act like they have never done anything wrong.

I have teens and they are all fine citizens (can’t think of a good term!) but have done stupid things that got them into trouble with the law and social services. I do think there is a lot of luck / bad luck about when police get involved but I also think it’s an easy tick for police who are under pressure to achieve.

I think they have also (rightly) lost their autonomy to decide what gets done to avoid the middle class biases and racist responses where they let off children from ‘good homes’ and not others.

Depending what happens I would get a lawyer. We got one when my son was in trouble and he ended up with an Absolute Discharge despite pleading guilty.

I know how worrying all these things are but down the line they are not that important and everyone is safe.

Adolescents have a brain that’s still developing, they have inability to fully assess risk, to adequately make decisions and weigh up consequences. This is amplified when with their peers

So,whilst you may disagree with the decision making. To them,in the moment it probably made sense

Sitting in car with engine on probably seemed sensible to her. Cold?pop the engine on then,to warm up

Sit in driver seat. Because she can,because she want to

The police can pursue it or not. It is now down to them.

im not sure that they can just decide ‘she didn’t mean any harm’ and drop cases - there are rules to follow and there was a reported car theft and also damage to another vehicle and moving a vehicle whilst not passed test and no insurance - how many of those should the police person just brush aside , how many kids should they let away with with these offences.

Well bfs mum could’ve pressed charges for attempted theft surely as she didn’t give your DD permission to drive her car. DD could’ve also been charged with driving without a license & insurance.

No experience but I doubt she will get away without a fine & ban.

Ah I am sorry OP! What your DD did was stupid but she doesn't deserve to be prosecuted. I really am so sorry.

I hope she’s ok OP.

FEIW it’s illegal for a teen to be in here of a vehicle without a license - even at petrol stations I take the keys so they can’t be accused on driving without an adult.

It’s a huge learning curve but she’ll get over it and learn from it.

Not sure if you have any legal advice on your house insurance. It may be worth getting and you will get some support and better information that MN that seems all about slamming people and being superior these days.

I'm so sorry to hear the letter arrived, Op.
Poor DD and poor you. What a complete over reaction, she has had a horrible fright and that should be the end of it.

I just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely mum, she’s lucky to have you. I hope it all works out okay

With the exception of minor offences, whether to press charges is determined by the Crown Prosecution Service after reviewing any police evidence presented to them. The ‘victim’ - in this case BFs mum - can decide not to bring charges, but this is independent of any the police may want to bring themselves. Since the police have already told OP they’re not taking any further action, I don’t really understand what they are saying in relation to the DVLA - points and fines are determined on conviction of an offence and notified to DVLA, so if there’s no further action, there’s nothing to notify.

Hope it’s not too bad