Would this traumatise you?

[PleasantZen]

Would these things traumatise you if they happened to you individually?

Being cheated on by husband?

Parents moving abroad for good 10 hour flight away when you were 18 years old?

I guess trauma is subjective, depending how sensitive you are

For me, your 2 scenarios are not in any way traumatic

But then, I did watch my dad die from an undiagnosed PE when I was 11... so my bar is pretty high

Trauma isn't measured by the seriousness of the external event. It's measured by the strength of the emotional response that happens inside you.

It's perfectly possible for one person to be traumatised by a cheating spouse or being left alone in another country to their parents at 18, when someone else wouldn't experience either of those things as traumatic.

What makes it traumatic for not would depend on lots of other variables such as the wider context, the person's support system, their emotional resilience, etc.

No she isn't, there's no definition to an individuals traumatic events. Trauma centres around how an adversity impacts a person, people have differing levels of resilience. You can't pit a label on trauma and say your trauma is worse than someone else's!

Not me personally. I grew up with emotionally abusive parents who kicked me out the minute I left school and I have had to fend for myself since. Growing up without love and care, well the opposite of love and care really, means I don't trust anyone enough to be traumatised if they let me down, if you dont let anyone over your walls they can't hurt you(probably not a healthy coping mechanism but you do what you have to do).
I can see why for people with a 'normal' upbringing it would be deeply upsetting though.

I'd be bloody pissed if my parents moved at that age. The dh I could cope with, though it'd be distressing.

OP if you feel you have suffered trauma your feelings are valid. Please don't let anybody from Mumsnet tell you you haven't suffered a trauma because it doesn't fit into a specific box that they decide! They clearly have no idea about trauma, what it actually is, and how it works.

I suggest you do some research on trauma before you go spouting your gob off

Being cheated on - yes.

Parents moving away - no.

It's just a word that different people use differently.

You feel what you feel. The two events you describe could be not remotely upsetting, somewhat upsetting or hugely upsetting, depending on: your relationship at the time with the husband/parents; their (real, or perceived by you) reasons for doing it; your level of independence at the time and ability to manage without the parents/husband; and numerous other contextual factors - whatever you can think of really.

It would be utterly bizarre if we all experienced these events in identical ways, given the massive diversity of people's temperaments, experiences, relationships etc.

If you are finding that your reaction to these events is having a marked negative impact on the quality of your life now, you should seek help with that and there is absolutely no shame in it....

Unbelievable that people would try to tell other people what they are and aren't allowed to be traumatised by.

What other people think you should or shouldn't be traumatised by is irrelevant OP, I can imagine there things have impacted you hugely and you might still really struggle with them and the fall out from them.

I wouldn't listen too much to people on here, there's a strange competitiveness around, how little people can eat and be fine, how cold they can have their house and be fine, how many awful things they can go through and be fine - you see the pattern.

What does ‘traumatised’ even mean any more? People use it for the tiniest of upsets ‘don’t shout at your child you’ll traumatise them’ ‘I’m traumatised because somebody once called me fat’.

I have a lot of awful memories from my very crappy childhood (alcoholism, domestic violence) which I suppose could traumatise some, but I wouldn’t consider myself ‘traumatised’. Of course it’s upsetting to remember but it doesn’t control the way I behave or mean I am unable to cope with adult life.

To me ‘trauma’ is something reserved for experiencing an extreme situation such as the death of a child, natural disaster, war zones. Watering it down because ‘everything is relative and it’s how you feel that matters’ doesn’t help people who most need to be understood.

So, in a word, no. I would be upset but not ‘traumatised’.

Actually I’ve just realised those two scenarios actually apply to me! Albeit my dad emigrated when I was in my early 20s and I was cheated on by a LTR not a husband.

My childhood memories are so bad that those things barely register and I forgot about them! Every cloud

Why did you ask that?

You do not need us to decide if those things were traumatic for you. Your feelings are valid. Please seek help if you're struggling.

And my opinion, I'd find them traumatic.

The first one I’ve experienced and yes, I had a feeling for months afterwards of being frozen. Bad dreams, shock, disbelief, didn’t want to leave the house. If someone tells you that their H has cheated or suddenly announced the marriage is over please believe them if they describe the feeling as ‘trauma’. And I’m not one for using over dramatic words.

The scenarios you describe are adverse life events, but I wouldn't be traumatised. I agree that the word traumatic has become devalued by overuse.

No and no but then I have a mh condition of which I've little empathy for a lot of people except the disabled, vulnerable, elderly and chidren.

No. They’re upsetting events (maybe, depending on circumstances) but they wouldn’t be traumatising to me. I’d like to think I had the coping skills to be able to deal with them.

When my husband of 16 years cheated on me it was distressing but did not traumatize me.

My DF had an affair for years resulting in huge trust issues for me, so yes, when I discovered DH had made one stupid mistake and cheated on me it was very traumatic and very triggering. I ended up in therapy for a good two years or so to try and work through that.

Parents moving 10 hours away? Probably not. Instead it was I that moved 7 hours away, but I wouldn't say it was traumatic for any of us.

Hope you're okay, OP.

I am not using my experiences to belittle others.
I am using two experiences of mine as examples of what might cause genuine trauma.

As a trained professional caring for traumatised children, my concern is to protect them from belittlement, and denial of their experience, by the use of the word trauma where it simply should not be used

I am not saying my trauma is worse than anybody else's, I am simply giving examples of what causes trauma.

The damage and belittling is coming from the complete miscomprehension of what trauma is.

The events the OP describes may be upsetting, to her, but they are not traumatising.

I am trained in the care of traumatised children, and the use of the word trauma so inappropriately, as in the OP, is deeply damaging and minimising

she can be as upset as she likes! But she can't claim to be traumatised - there was simply no immediate, credible threat to life, hers, or anyone elses - and yes, that is a simplistic view of "trauma" but it is a working definition that functions perfectly adequetey nine times out of ten.

I agree. It needs to be reserved not just for fairly routine or common life upsets, but very extreme events. Not just so people who have been through genuinely traumatising events aren’t lumped in with somebody who got cheated on, but to stop a victim mentality whereby negative emotions are blown out of all proportion and the person experiencing them made to feel like they cannot possibly overcome their ‘trauma’. I’ve always felt that for minor to moderate life upsets, ‘keep calm and carry on’ as much as you can is a good mantra. By all means cry and let it out to friends/family, but often letting your life go to shit because of a cheating husband or emigrating family member causes more harm than good.

@WunWun because I'm wondering whether it would mean I am ND because one of those things did happen to me and it was traumatising and one would traumatise me if it happened

@sborber it's all the stuff around it. I can't afford the 10 hour flight to see them. They have no intention to come here any more than once every 2/3 years for 2 weeks. They didn't help me choose uni or move into uni or subsequent house moves. I couldn't imagine not being there for my children's house moves and life events. They have no real relationship with my children. At uni my friends went home at the holidays and some weekends, I couldn't do that.

Basically I couldn't imagine not wanting to be in my children's lives when they are adults.