Would this traumatise you?

[PleasantZen]

Would these things traumatise you if they happened to you individually?

Being cheated on by husband?

Parents moving abroad for good 10 hour flight away when you were 18 years old?

Traumatised? No. Deeply hurt and troubled? Yes. Try not to feel invalidated by the responses here though.

Have had both these things happen to me and would not class them as traumatic events (For me), however my parents didn’t abandon me they had to move for work soon after I started Uni after being made redundant so not really a choice on their part.

I found being knocked off my bike by a truck traumatic.

The circumstances surrounding both of those things happening matter greatly to determine if I'd find them traumatic. Trauma is subjective and it relies heavily on the circumstances and your baseline mental state.

Upset, yes of course. Traumatised, no. The only thing I've felt traumatised in my life by was when DH suffered a traumatic brain injury and nearly died.

No and no.

I don't believe in monogamy and I moved as far as I could from my parents!

Yes to both.

I actually suffer from complex PTSD due to the death of my DD.

I agree that trauma is too strong a word here, no one has died or been left disabled. I would imagine someone like my friend who is severely disabled and her DH is her carer would be traumatised if he had an affair and left becuse she could not function without him at all and would have to move in to a nursing home.

I can see people being very upset but trauma is too strong a word here.

I think it depends on the person. I've had a cheating partner who on thinking back was a gaslighting cunt. I'm not traumatised but it took me a long time to get over it. Parents moving away? It depends, if they did that when I was 18, with no resources undiagnosed adhd and being a bit wild, probably not traumatised but I'd be upset.

Trauma isn't a comparison exercise I'm traumatised by a series of bad experiences in dentists. I had to go last year, I took 40mg of diazipam and I was still shaking, crying panicking and scared and all he was doing was looking in my mouth.

I'm a no nonsense person, very confident, and reasonably resilient. For eg. I've been attacked, had a gun to my head...with absolutely no PTSD afterwards.

BUT....my first H cheated on me a few times, and I did actually have a bit of a breakdown. Behaved in ways very out of character for me, like ONS.

My parents never moved away, but if they had gone to the other side of the world when I was 18, I do actually think that would have traumatised me somewhat. Because they would be taking away the base of "home", and it would feel as though they didn't love me (I think). 18 is awfully young to be totally alone in the world.

I have adult children myself, and would never move 10 hours away from them. It just screams fuck you.

What do you mean when you say traumatised?

The word trauma is massively overused these days. What happened to you (husband cheating) was difficult and upsetting but not traumatic. I don't even understand why you seem to want to use the word traumatic to describe it, it's massively insulting to people like me who spend their whole lives trying to recover from trauma.

OP I once had someone explain trauma to me in this way- the specific event isn't what is relevant, it is trauma if the event makes you question or goes very strongly against a fundamental view that you hold. So for your second example, someone who fundamentally believes that parents should put their children's needs above thier own may be traumatised by parents moving away at 18. Someone who doesn't, may not.

I had a terrible terrible car crash, broken neck,flipped car etc. Didn't cause an ounce of trauma as it didn't challenge any world view of mine. It was a tiny bit upsetting a disruption to life but thats all. A friend had a tiny prang but as she did hold strong views about fairness and rules it left her genuinely traumatised.

If either of thoes traumatised you, have a think about what belief they challenged.

I’m so sorry you have witnessed the events you describe - clearly those situations must have been very traumatic.

However, there are different kinds of trauma and things can happen in people’s lives which can lead to trauma responses and ptsd, even without experience of a one off event of the kind you describe. The Body Keeps the Score is an interesting resource on this topic.

As a trauma survivor yourself, it’s a shame that you think your experience gives you the right to belittle others, and that you assume that only experiences like yours can result in trauma.

Either of the OP’s scenarios could result in trauma - this would probably depend on the specific circumstances of each and on the person experiencing them - they may not cause that response in everyone.

OP this is a useful resource (as is the book mentioned above). Lots more online.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/trauma

Dictionary definitions are usually insufficient to create a good understanding of a medical condition.

Trauma is not a way to describe an event/events - it describes a person’s reaction to those events.

No. My parents moved hundreds of miles away when I was 19. I managed.
Cheated on and got over that, although we weren't married to be fair.

Yes to DH cheating, no to parents moving. Only no to parents because I left home at 16 anyway and had very little help from them. I don’t feel traumatised in any way despite having no relationship with my Dad at all and a civil but definitely not close one with my Mum.

THIS

People here saying it’s “not traumatic” because no one died/was left disabled/ feared for their life are completely, completely incorrect. Trauma is determined by your psychological response to events, not whether other people think they event was traumatic enough.

Whether you will find these events you mentioned traumatic depends on a million different factors. You could have been raped at gun point and STILL find your husband cheating MORE traumatic.

OP if you have found the events you described as traumatic that is completely valid. No one gets to tell you those things were not traumatic. It sounds like you may have abandonment issues. See a therapist if you can. They will entirely validate your experience and be able to help you get to the core of why these events were traumatic for you.

I’d imagine if you felt abandoned by your parents at 18 you were then triggered again when your husband “abandoned” you by cheating. The word triggered is used very willy Billy but it’s a genuine psychological phenomenon.

Completely agree with you @CallMeDaddy58

DD16 has ASD/ADHD and has suffered trauma because of things that have happened to her that most neurotypical people would scoff at. What sort of parent would I be if I dismissed her response by saying it wasn't "real" trauma?

I wouldn't be traumatised, but if someone else was, I wouldn't belittle their feelings. Everyone is different in their feelings, experiences and reactions.

No and no.

Upset yes. Traumatised no

Nope. The cheating would be upsetting, but I’m made of strong stuff. I’m sure I’d be OK.

I moved out at 18. I would’ve missed my Mum if she’d moved far away but I don’t think I would have found it traumatic if our relationship was good and we still spoke, I could visit her etc.

The second one I can imagine is traumatic

Yes for the cheating if i didnt see it coming and trusted him
No for the parents moving away

My work is resolving trauma.

Anything can be traumatic in my discipline. Doesn't need judgement from anyone else. Part of the reason why what I do is so successful and powerful is that everything is important, the micro is what impacts us most. The unprocessed memories are traumatic, whether or not

Not only can anything be traumatic, it can layer up, getting much worse each time. Some of my most successful cases have been resolved with long chains of apparently minor incidents that have a massive impact on the person. That's because the feelings weren't minor.

I don't diagnose PTSD. I know how to, it's basically a quiz like in a magazine. I don't work with that medical model of trauma. In fact, I reject it and the gatekeeping that comes with it.

No and no.
And the word "traumatise" is bandied about far too often, when what is really meant is "mildly upset".