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Original poster

When/how normal is it to meet 'Son In Law to be' s parents before the wedding?

109 replies

Peakypolly · 26/02/2023 18:43

DD is engaged and plans to marry towards the end of next year (20 months away).
DD is keen for DH and me to meet her fiancé's parents. Whilst I can understand it makes sense to meet them before the wedding,I do not particularly want to attend an evening get-together or lunch this year (two actually as they are divorced) and would rather have an informal meeting at a dress fitting/hen do closer to the marriage date.
Am I being weird about this? Do most sets of parents get to know each other well in advance of a wedding?

OP posts:
Daisydaisydaisyrosie · 26/02/2023 21:09

You need to suck it up and go. It's not a good look for your child otherwise. I feel it's a bit odd that you don't just want to be an adult and go.

Eas1lyd1stracted · 26/02/2023 21:12

Ooh so you can have a nice long weekend break (possibly exploring the new family's culture if they live where they grew up) and meet for dinner and do some activities. Sounds even more appealing

spidereggs · 26/02/2023 21:19

Crikey.

It's your daughter. She's asking, of course I would do it. A million times over.

Unless you are going to say, health, financial reasons it's absolutely normal..

In fact, where we are, very rural Scotland, they would meet before the engagement.

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Weddings
mynewusername2023 · 26/02/2023 21:24

Some very odd circumstances here. My parents and my in-laws met before we were even engaged.

They are now all good friends and my in-laws have even been to stay with my parents with me or DH being there. My mum and mum-in-law text very often.

I also love my in-laws.

another1bitestheduck · 26/02/2023 21:41

It is normal to meet at least once before the ceremony, yes. Don't you think it would be awkward to meet them for the first time during the wedding?

However it is your DD/DSILs responsibility to arrange, it although you can then all pay for your own meals. There's also no reason the meetings have to be separated just because PIL are divorced - presumably they are adult enough to be able to get on well enough for the wedding so if they want to meet you then can be polite to one another for an hour or two over a meal.

ethelredonagoodday · 26/02/2023 22:06

My parents met my in laws when we got engaged. We had a bit of a get together with food as I recall.

autienotnaughty · 26/02/2023 22:18

I've met dd bf parents after they were together about a year. No sign of engagement yet, we have met 5 or 6 times now . The distance definitely makes yours more of an issue (we live 30min away) I'd say if you can afford it it would be nice. Where does dc live? Could you all meet there?

ItsOKToFeelProud · 26/02/2023 23:28

My inlaws had met my parents a fair few times. My eldests birthday ( not dhs child), xmas get together etc.

Wiaa · 26/02/2023 23:35

I'm on your side, I don't see why you need some special arrangement to meet. An occasion/event that both sets would be invited too is much more organic and a lot less stressful. My in laws never met my dad, they met my mom on my son's first birthday but my dad didn't come and then they briefly met my mum again at my dad's funeral. Ive been married 11 years

HeddaGarbled · 26/02/2023 23:57

I do not particularly want to attend an evening get-together or lunch this year

Why? That seems unnecessarily anti-social.

Yellowdays · 27/02/2023 09:55

I can't see why not. Anyway it will make your dd happy. If it were my dd, I'd want to meet them anyway. I can see that an informal occasion would be best.

RedHelenB · 27/02/2023 09:57

Weird that you haven't met already if this is a relationship of any length. Do you live a long way from each other? A meal sounds the perfect scenario to meet btw.

mindutopia · 27/02/2023 10:01

My family met dh's family just around the time we got engaged. But my family lives in another country (8 hour flight away) and it didn't really make sense for them to meet sooner as it would have meant an extended visit from my family, so we coordinated it with going to see the wedding venue. Assuming you all live in the same country, it's very odd you've never met yet. Surely, if they have children, you'll be wanting to do things together as a family, like birthdays, etc. so I think it's nice to create that foundation now. Why not just see if they want to arrange a BBQ or something informal for the summer so it isn't just a sit down meal?

Basecampzero · 27/02/2023 10:03

I'd have thought it was much harder for the future in laws if they're divorced.

Have you got some kind of social anxiety? Or are they a different social class to you or something?

Otherwise, surely it's just normal for you to have a trip abroad for a couple of days during which time you'll fit in a dinner and a lunch. Everyone pays for themselves, just split the bill. I think you're overthinking this.

BeeDavis · 27/02/2023 10:22

Sugarfree23 · 26/02/2023 18:46

Why would your DD want her MIL at dress fitting?

Dinner / lunch sounds more logical to me and I'd expect his parents to be united for their DSon

Why wouldn’t she? My MIL came to mine…

maddy68 · 27/02/2023 11:27

You are being incredibly weird.
These will be your daughter's family, meet them , befriend them

I really don't understand your thinking

Lcb123 · 27/02/2023 11:29

Yes sorry but you’re being weird. Our parents met loads before we got engaged, not sure why you’re delaying it. Surely you want to get to know them

caringcarer · 27/02/2023 11:47

We got invited to a BBQ for their wedding anniversary about 8 months before wedding. We invited them out for a meal when my DD asked her future MiL down to come and view dresses with us. A few months later MiL brought down her dgd as she was one of bridesmaids for choosing a dress and we all had meal after and MiL stayed in our guest room as we have space. My dd gets on very well with her MiL and FiL and we are grateful they are so lovely to her and now we share 2 dgc we meet up about twice each year. They are very nice people and we all get on well.

123ZYX · 27/02/2023 12:16

Why is your DD saying it's up to you to navigate? Surely the easiest thing would be for her and her DP to invite you and his DM/DF to dinner at their house when you're all planning a trip to wherever they live?

MaggieFS · 27/02/2023 12:20

Yes you are being weird, but I don't think it's up to you to navigate. DD and fiancé should act as go betweens to organise something mutual agreeable.

smithst · 27/02/2023 12:27

I think its a bit wierd that you havent met already? DH's parents met mine within six months of us being a couple; it wasnt particularly agonised over it just happened... They were living in Australia at the time so we knew we had a two month window whilst they were in the UK but kept it all very informal inviting both parents to our flat for tea and cakes.

Do the DD's parents never visit her? I can see its might feel a bit awkward arranging a special trip for this but can you not arrange something when they are over?

ShippingNews · 27/02/2023 12:36

We met dd's prospective in-laws a few times between the engagement and the wedding. Then we all had a big pre- wedding dinner at the wedding venue to try the food. We haven't become best friends, but we see each other at the kids birthdays, Christmas etc.

I don't understand your reluctance to meet, and frankly the idea of meeting at the dress fitting sounds highly awkward and weird.

Original poster
Peakypolly · 27/02/2023 12:45

I'm on your side, I don't see why you need some special arrangement to meet Thanks.
The distance/flight really isn't a drip feed, we all travel back and forth frequently. I would much rather do, as some describe here, a meet up when checking out the venue followed by lunch or a barbecue at DDs house. It seems unnecessarily convoluted to have to arrange two (identical, so no favouritism shown) meals as DD requests. Luckily DD says
they are ... able to get on well enough for the wedding but not for a smaller introductory meal sadly (for me!)
Anyway thanks for all the input. Sounds like the consensus is I need to suck it up.

OP posts:
fatherliamdeliverance · 27/02/2023 12:56

DD sounds like she isn't being particularly helpful with arrangements but if you all travel backwards and forwards regularly then yes, I'd say just get on with it for the sake of goodwill.

What about a weekend trip with 2 separate lunches and enjoy the rest of the time exploring?

If you're travelling to their area I suppose they should really pick somewhere but if it's being left up to you then Google is your friend.

You don't have to become best mates, just get acquainted, chat about the wedding and then it's done.

Is the issue of making the 2 meals exactly the same level of fanciness etc bothering you? Don't let it. If they're salty about that still it's not your problem.

SheilaFentiman · 27/02/2023 13:44

The lunches don’t have to be identical. Or is your DD saying that they do?

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