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Original poster

When/how normal is it to meet 'Son In Law to be' s parents before the wedding?

109 replies

Peakypolly · 26/02/2023 18:43

DD is engaged and plans to marry towards the end of next year (20 months away).
DD is keen for DH and me to meet her fiancé's parents. Whilst I can understand it makes sense to meet them before the wedding,I do not particularly want to attend an evening get-together or lunch this year (two actually as they are divorced) and would rather have an informal meeting at a dress fitting/hen do closer to the marriage date.
Am I being weird about this? Do most sets of parents get to know each other well in advance of a wedding?

OP posts:
280NeuerNamen · 26/02/2023 19:27

Flight is a bit of a drip feed. Of course that makes a difference. Still think you should meet them though.

Justcallmebebes · 26/02/2023 19:28

Weird. Why can't you just arrange a meal or something to meet? Really weird to just meet for the first time at a dress fitting.

It makes you look really unsupportive

HedwigIsMyDemon · 26/02/2023 19:32

The flight is a MASSIVE drip feed, but are you taking a flight to the other side of the world or across the channel?

My mum was a miserable pain in the arse about meeting my in laws - it’s clouded our entire relationship and we’ve been married nearly 30 years. Don’t be that person.

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aurevoir · 26/02/2023 19:33

It depends on whether you see these people as joining your family (or not!).

If it was me, I'd be all over it. I'd want to know whose family my DD was marrying into, would they like and support her? What are they like? Can they be trusted? I'd defo want a meet up sooner rather than later.

Find it a bit odd that you'd not be interested in the family she was marrying into.

BiasedBinding · 26/02/2023 19:34

your Question was whether it’s normal for the sets of parents to meet / get to know each other a bit in advance. That is completely normal. Whether it’s logistically easy for you to do so, and the details about who invites/pays - those things are different questions and specific to your situation

Mrsjayy · 26/02/2023 19:35

When/if you meet just split the bill then there is no awkwardness.

Original poster
Peakypolly · 26/02/2023 19:36

The flight is a MASSIVE drip feed, but are you taking a flight to the other side of the world or across the channel?
Channel, so a train would do it! Like I say, this isn't an issue apart from ruling out a 30 minute coffee.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2023 19:38

Normal to have met if you live in any way locally to each other, but not at all a big deal to not have met if you live overseas. I wouldn't bother travelling a long way just for this purpose.

Neverknowinglysensible · 26/02/2023 19:38

I understand that it can be a difficult thing to meet up with someone totally new, and that being unsure of who will pay etc. might cause difficulties- especially if there is a disparity in outlook/income etc. but it can be navigated. A short pub lunch, afternoon tea, or even a picnic would be a nice gesture. I assume your DD and future spouse will be there, and so the main attention will be on them, even if you find you have little in common with the other parents.
We did a bbq for my SS’s future in-laws so I had something to keep myself occupied. Back in time,my parents did a meal for my future in-laws; it was great actually, as my parents were able to confirm that it wasn’t just me who found my MIL a very strange person!

AnotherSpare · 26/02/2023 19:38

I think it would be weird not to meet them. They are going to be your daughter's family, your future grandchildren's grandparents. Don't you want to get to know them sooner rather than later?

Pennyplant19 · 26/02/2023 19:42

Why would you not want to meet them? DH and I have met all of our 3 DDs partners respective parents and none of them are even engaged!

saraclara · 26/02/2023 19:45

Just bizarre not to meet them, frankly. They're going to factor into your life in the future, and it's also part of welcoming your DD's fiance into your family.

My parents and my in-laws were totally different kinds of people, and I and my DD's in-laws have little in common other than our love for our kids and our shared DGCs. But in both cases all both sides meet/met on occasions (and before even any engagement) and are/were warm and considerate to each other.

TroysMammy · 26/02/2023 19:47

My parents met my in-laws at the wedding. They only lived about 6 miles from each other. The parents never socialised with each other and we never socialised with the in-laws either. My husband, now my ex, only went out for meals for my parent's birthdays.

PartingGift · 26/02/2023 19:48

The fact that they live a flight away is a massive, massive drip feed 🙄.

If that is the case, then I would expect your daughter and her fiance to invite you both for a weekend or something.

GoldDuster · 26/02/2023 19:49

DD is keen for DH and me to meet her fiancé's parents.

You have 20 months to make this happen. Is there a reason that you wouldn't be able to do this?

saraclara · 26/02/2023 19:54

PartingGift · 26/02/2023 19:48

The fact that they live a flight away is a massive, massive drip feed 🙄.

If that is the case, then I would expect your daughter and her fiance to invite you both for a weekend or something.

Presumably they regularly come over to see their son though? Which is when the two sets of parents could meet? I doubt anyone's expecting either party to travel that far just to meet each other for a meal.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 26/02/2023 19:59

Mores the question "why wouldn't you?"

titchy · 26/02/2023 20:04

Oh for goodness sake obviously being on different sides of the channel needs mentioning!

Do they ever come over to see their ds? That would be the obvious time to arrange lunch.

Cancankan · 26/02/2023 20:06

I do not particularly want to attend an evening get-together or lunch this year

Why? What you got on this year?

Northernlurker · 26/02/2023 20:06

What's wrong with you? You do realise your lives will be indelibly linked with these people and if they've fucked up as parents your daughter will be the one to suffer. Get in there and meet them!

Northernlurker · 26/02/2023 20:09

You invite them and when the bill comes you try to pay only to gracefully give way and go halves!

UsingChangeofName · 26/02/2023 20:11

You didn't think it relevant to mention the fact you are in different countries, in your OP ?

ijustneedanamefgs · 26/02/2023 20:14

Peakypolly · 26/02/2023 19:20

Thanks everyone.
There will be a flight involved but that isn't an excuse in itself. It does mean that just a coffee or similar won't be an option.
My DM didn't meet DH's parents until the rehearsal dinner but that was years ago (obviously) and not in the UK.
I think I am unsure over who invites who ...and who offers to pay. My DD says it is up to us to navigate this. Also I am an over-thinker but it is useful to know I am being the weirdo here.

I would have thought it was up to your daughter and son in law to arrange and maybe pay for. Also all the parents together if possible. I wouldn’t make a big issue of it. Does your daughter live where they do? Just go visit her and go for a meal then.

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 20:14

Peakypolly · 26/02/2023 19:36

The flight is a MASSIVE drip feed, but are you taking a flight to the other side of the world or across the channel?
Channel, so a train would do it! Like I say, this isn't an issue apart from ruling out a 30 minute coffee.

All the weddings I’ve been part of, the parents have had a formal meet and greet well before the wedding. My bro is getting married this year in October and both sets of parents/step parents and siblings are all meeting up in July for a dinner etc.

Can’t say for our wedding because we eloped 🙃. Avoided all of this!

Bluevelvetsofa · 26/02/2023 20:29

DD wanted us to see the proposed venue and they suggested we and her fiancé’s parents joined them there and went for lunch afterwards. It was a lovely day.

My DiL invited me to her wedding dress shopping, along with her bridesmaids. I was very honoured to be invited.