Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do you tell your DS DD how much you earn?

120 replies

Mixedin · 25/02/2023 21:36

We work in a sector where salary is not discussed. Plus one of us earns much more. Do you discuss it? How?

I suppose the generational assumption is that DH earns more. So for some reason it feels ick to say I do.

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 26/02/2023 13:43

I knew what my mum was on my brother knew mine even spurred him to go back to college to earn more than me. Our kids know roughly mine and Dhss same as we have discussed how they could earn a lot less or lot more ! Just want them to be happy.

JettersonStokes · 26/02/2023 13:45

If you have a child at uni they know roughly because of how much maintenance loan they can get based on household income. If they are only entitled to minimum loan it is because you earn just over £62k.

My children know how much our mortgage is, what the monthly payments are and how fucking long it takes to reduce it down, how much our house is worth, how much things cost like council tax, utilities, house insurance, car insurance and how much it goes up to put Ds1 on it. They know what our holidays cost, meals out, weekly supermarket shops and what my new car is costing but they don't know exactly how much our household income is.

They know what their graduate jobs should pay and how much that is per month through a salary calculator. They have looked on Spare Room to see how much it is to live in a shared house etc just because they are curious about these things.

Young children may tell everyone what you earn and ask teachers what they earn whereas older children understand that some things are private.

2chocolateoranges · 26/02/2023 13:47

MistyMooninabluesky · 26/02/2023 13:30

Quite happy to discuss budgeting, bills etc but I don’t understand why we need to say how much we earn.

Show quote history

our 2 needed our earnings for uni to see if they would qualify for a bursary from Saas so they had to know for that!

Pashazade · 26/02/2023 13:48

There's an interesting book called The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron Leiber which has some good ideas, but also helped me break down the weird discomfort of discussing wages with DS. I should add we do have the caveat of earnings are not discussed outside immediate family, although I have become more open with close friends in recent years.

Smoky1107 · 26/02/2023 13:50

Yes, she needed to know for her uni maintenance loan and I'm nhs so she could look it up anyway

AuroraForever · 26/02/2023 13:58

Yes, part of wider conversation about monthly bills, budgeting, banking, savings etc. They now understand how important it is to live within your means and have learned how to budget. They don’t learn this stuff in school.

Badwithmoney · 26/02/2023 13:58

We are open as a family so yes everything very transparent. I have prepared a death file too so they know what to do when we die. I also believe in Euthanasia and they are accepting of my choice to do this and if circumstances dictate I will bow out gracefully if need be. Always been an open family never any secrets and I have always answered any of their questions honestly.

321gogogo · 26/02/2023 13:59

I do. It's important that they understand where the money goes, we work out bills together and what is not left over.

No one else is going to teach them the value of money and budgeting.

useitorlose · 26/02/2023 14:03

I know how much DD earns and how much her bonus was this month. I don't tell her how much I earn or my DH (not her dad) as she has never asked and we work overseas in unrelated fields. Plus, she does not need to know how much we earn and our combined income with housing and other allowances is well into six figures (but our rent alone is over £40k a year).

CoedenNadoligLanOHyd · 26/02/2023 14:05

I've always been open with my children, teenagers now. I want them to understand why I they can't always have the things they want.

And same as pp I also used to explain how many hours I'd work to be able to buy something.This was especially useful when my DD was complaining that I had to go to work.

My ex husband doesn't talk about pay, as he had spent the last 11 years making sure he can underpay the child maintenance. And doesn't want to risk me finding out.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/02/2023 14:11

We have discussed salary previously and I think my dd has a good idea of the ballpark figure, but it isn't something that we discuss often so I doubt that she could quote the exact figure. It's no secret, though - I would willingly share if she asked.

She definitely knows that I earn a lot more than her dad does. I'm surprised in this day and age that there would still be any assumption that the man would be earning more?

JellyBeanFactory · 26/02/2023 14:14

Yea, discussed all through teenage years so they knew what came in and what had to go out. I wish they'd teach more at school about home economics (and I don't mean cooking, although that should also be a basic life skill). Mine understood the concept of mortgage/rent but didn't appreciate all the other higher outgoings (council tax, insurances etc)

This information helped them to decide their higher/further educations paths. One wanted to earn as much as possible and is driven by money so went out to work at 18, one has a natural talent so studied that at Uni and is now luckily able to earn very well using that gift and the third has a passion, has studied it at college and now working in that field but will never, ever earn even half decent pay - she's chosen to career choice over income. They each made their choice!

jackstini · 26/02/2023 14:28

Mine are both teens now, but we have always discussed money - salaries, cost of living, mortgages, savings, investments

It's something they absolutely need to know

Whilst I wouldn't want them to make any decisions solely on money, I think it often needs to be a factor and they should not make uninformed or naive choices

UsingChangeofName · 26/02/2023 14:31

AbsolutelyNebulous · 26/02/2023 10:42

No, we don’t. I think it’s important DC have some understanding of eg national average earnings, starting salaries & likely highest earnings in roles they’re interested in, how income tax works, the average cost/monthly rent of a house or apartment in the city we live in etc and those are all things that come up and are discussed.

I don’t think it’s necessary or particularly helpful to set those discussions against a background of our household income because their financial decisions as adults will be based on their own earnings, not ours. They might never earn what we do OR they might out earn us.

This is how I feel.

I also don't think dc - or indeed any of us - get quite the same 'feel' for budgeting by learning the theory as they do by actually living the idea with their own smaller amounts of money.
It's why we gave all of ours small amounts of weekly pocket money from when they each turned 7, so they could 'feel' what it was like to not be able to have something because they had already spent their money, or what it felt like to buy something you had saved up for.
I think it is a shame that so few dc have dinner money in cash anymore, so they don't get that decision making practice of "If I buy a pudding, I will need to walk home as expected, but if I don't have a pudding now I can either walk home and visit the sweet shop, or I could choose to get the bus with the money saved from pudding" that my dc got. Not really important in the scheme of things for parents, but great learning experience for them.

Then things like their first PT jobs. My eldest had a job he really didn't enjoy, but it was for an hour x 4 days a week, on the way home from school - no travel time, no costs, no getting up early on a Saturday morning.....but then he was offered a job he much preferred, in the City Centre, but he needed to allow an hour's travel each way (so often spending 6 hours, for a 4 hour paid shift) plus he had to pay train fare. We pointed out these were differences to take into account, but somehow you need to live these things for it to hit home, rather than have some spreadsheet shown to you that doesn't directly affect you.
Same with when they start to want to go to gigs, or to wear expensive trainers - when they realise how many hours of work they have to do to pay for {insert treat of choice}, they begin to re-evaluate how important something is to them.

Like when they are looking at University accommodation, getting them to think of the loan as theirs, whether they want an extra £50 in their pocket EVERY week makes them think differently about choosing en-suite or not from if it is parents paying their accommodation.

AHelpfulHand · 27/02/2023 06:46

Season0fTheWitch · 26/02/2023 13:32

Our kids know but don't care (under 5). They know we earn well because of their school and our cars, and know money isn't everything

🤣🤣

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2023 06:50

I think salary secrecy is totally toxic. I absolutely tell the kids what we earn. And where it goes. I also explain taxation ad nauseum. My DC seem to get it ages 17 and 18. My DSC 14 & 17 don't really. They also don't seem to be able to understand what salaries are realistic. It's odd. I don't think my DSD will ever really be a financially competent adult. I must tackle this again soon.

IAgreeWithHim · 27/02/2023 06:51

I do to a certain extent. My children are in the very privileged position that they have inherited from GPs and the money is in trust, One of them is also extremely vulnerable and has learning difficulties and we are very fearful that he is vulnerable to people exploiting him- he already has a history of trying to buy friends by giving them robux for example. So we talk alot about what I earn after tax and what that has to be used for- mortgage, bills, etc. I talk about taxes and council tax and will tell them the strains I have on our family budget. I see it as a part of their financial training and so they know that money and financial health is important.

They don't know things like our assets value though.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/02/2023 06:57

Ours do in age appropriate ways.

it was also important to discuss with them when DH had to decide between big job changes what the differences were for us all lifestyle wise. I mean, we didn’t let the kids choose the decision, but they were aware that if he took job a the downsides were more time away, but more money whereas job b mean more time home, but less money.

I think it’s important kids grow up with realistic expectations of their lifestyles with parents and also with an understanding of what their choices actually mean for their lifestyle in the future.

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2023 06:57

AHelpfulHand · 25/02/2023 22:35

dd 10 asked me what we earn (I refused to tell her)

im embarrassed about our salary and money causes resentment and jealously so I don’t want people knowing.

I do tell her how much the bills are though

Why not do a budget with her. Go through how much the bills are. Where you put money. Percentage into savings. Percentage into retirement. Percentage into mortgage etc. Money shouldn't be embarrassing. That's just an odd perception.

AHelpfulHand · 27/02/2023 07:01

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2023 06:57

Why not do a budget with her. Go through how much the bills are. Where you put money. Percentage into savings. Percentage into retirement. Percentage into mortgage etc. Money shouldn't be embarrassing. That's just an odd perception.

Show quote history

We do all that with her.

she even knows what a mortgage is.

when you’re a high earner, you don’t want people knowing your salary.

AHelpfulHand · 27/02/2023 07:02

And your salary is embarrassing when you have a household income of 8x the uk average

AHelpfulHand · 27/02/2023 07:03

Well I feel embarrassed of it anyway

Wallywobbles · 27/02/2023 07:09

I gave a typical first salary to the DC. Then we worked out what that would need to cover in terms of bills, rent etc. DSDs solution was oh I just won't eat! We have a way to go yet.... DSS will be quite well off as his outgoings will be far lower.

My DDs have some savings and investments and have a way better understanding of finance. I've always been very clear about it. Also about IHT and what they should sell to cover it and what they should keep.

Toomanybooks22 · 27/02/2023 07:10

I personally cannot understand this country's obsession with keeping private what people earn. I don't get why people consider none of anyone else's business. All it does is just breeds discrimination amongst other reasons because it allows employers to pay different employees different rates for the same job because everyone's too concerned about keeping it private.

Paq · 27/02/2023 07:10

I would tell my DD but she has not yet fully grasped the concept of private family information. I don't mind her knowing but I don't think it's helpful for her to broadcast it to all her mates at school.

Salary is only one part of people's financial situation, assets, investments etc. are the other and again I don't share with DD how much we have.