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Original poster

Do you tell your DS DD how much you earn?

120 replies

Mixedin · 25/02/2023 21:36

We work in a sector where salary is not discussed. Plus one of us earns much more. Do you discuss it? How?

I suppose the generational assumption is that DH earns more. So for some reason it feels ick to say I do.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 25/02/2023 23:36

They are too little to understand. DD asked me last week if I earn £5 for being at work all day. She thinks £5 is a fortune.

StClare101 · 25/02/2023 23:58

They are too little. They think our house must have cost “at least a thousand dollars”. We do however talk about costs, how to save etc. They know that money is hard earned and needs to be saved or carefully spent.

DS1 cried when DH explained income tax to him one day recently!!

When they are tweens/teens we will talk in more detail but I still can’t imagine giving them exact amounts.

They know I earn more than DH though because he has made that quite clear to them when explaining why it is him that works part time and not me.

Authorisatingarchibald · 26/02/2023 00:03

Absolutely not. It’s none of their business. I have no idea of my parents finances either and wouldn’t dream of asking

OhamIreally · 26/02/2023 07:58

I don't tell mine because like @StClare101 she would think it's a fortune and I don't want to have to go through spreadsheets etc.

She understands the cost of living is rising and that we are being circumspect about energy use.

I've also discussed the need to factor in earning well if she wants a nice life. She wants to be an actress- I've told her that's fine but you need a back up plan as well.

Girasoli · 26/02/2023 09:16

SarahAndQuack I think that sounds like a very good balance.

I am similar with DS1, I explain that parents get paid from their jobs every month, and most of it has to go on sensible things like rent and bills and then the left over money goes on fun things - but you can't do all the fun things. He also knows daddy sometimes does overtime to pay for extra fun stuff.

The other thing I want to teach him is that sometimes important/worthwhile jobs don't earn as much as more highly paid jobs - but I think he's not very good with nuance yet.

BessieSurtees · 26/02/2023 09:24

No one knows how much I earn other than me and the bureaucracy. My DH and our DC’s all know how much you need to earn to buy a house, pay bills, have holidays etc. Teaching my kids about money, values, saving etc didn’t involve telling them my wage.

They are all capable of researching earnings, I could only see this relevant if someone said do you realise in the private sector you can earn this or that much, doing something else / similar.

Public sector is more transparent.

I can’t see how telling a young child your earnings will help them in the future, they need perspective. I can see it coming up in a conversation when choosing options and career choices.

Do people still assume the male partner earns more? If so, is that not more likely to be because the woman has stayed home with the children / worked part time / passed over promotion due to family?

AnneElliott · 26/02/2023 09:42

DS knows what I earn roughly and that it's a fair amount more than his dad. But I wouldn't have told him that when he was younger - he would probably have gone and told lots of people! Now he knows that it's not something the share outside it's fine.

Although as I'm a civil servant, once you know what grade I am then it's not that hard to work out the salary range as they're mostly online.

SarahAndQuack · 26/02/2023 10:02

Girasoli · 26/02/2023 09:16

SarahAndQuack I think that sounds like a very good balance.

I am similar with DS1, I explain that parents get paid from their jobs every month, and most of it has to go on sensible things like rent and bills and then the left over money goes on fun things - but you can't do all the fun things. He also knows daddy sometimes does overtime to pay for extra fun stuff.

The other thing I want to teach him is that sometimes important/worthwhile jobs don't earn as much as more highly paid jobs - but I think he's not very good with nuance yet.

Thanks @Girasoli - I hope so! I also agree about commenting on the way pay isn't necessarily an indicator of importance - but this is something that has come up quite naturally for us, because DP's sisters work in the NHS so we've sort of come up against the idea of the strikes and what they're for. I don't know if she particularly gets it, though - it's just been mentioned while she's listening.

PegasusReturns · 26/02/2023 10:10

I earn a lot and I’ve felt the need to be very clear with them as they’ve approached adulthood how much it takes to keep the show on the road.

they can choose to care about money or not but the sort of lifestyle to which they are accustomed comes with a price tag.

2chocolateoranges · 26/02/2023 10:22

Our children (19&21) know how much we earn, I don’t see the problem with discussing wages, budgets, bills etc. it’s all part of growing up and gives them an understanding of living in the real world.

BeReet · 26/02/2023 10:34

We have discussed salaries and money in a general sense with all of our kids. They know roughly what I earn (a pittance) and what my husband earns (not a pittance). They also know what it costs to fund the lovely lifestyle that they all enjoy. When they want something, we try to explain how long I would have to work to earn the money for it. We also talk about pensions and savings and how important they are. I don't want my kids to panic about money, but I do want them to understand the value of it and how having it gives you choices.

scrumpf · 26/02/2023 10:39

My grown up kids know how much I earn. It went on their application for student finance.

AbsolutelyNebulous · 26/02/2023 10:42

No, we don’t. I think it’s important DC have some understanding of eg national average earnings, starting salaries & likely highest earnings in roles they’re interested in, how income tax works, the average cost/monthly rent of a house or apartment in the city we live in etc and those are all things that come up and are discussed.

I don’t think it’s necessary or particularly helpful to set those discussions against a background of our household income because their financial decisions as adults will be based on their own earnings, not ours. They might never earn what we do OR they might out earn us.

megletthesecond · 26/02/2023 10:44

Yes. And they know I only have a house thanks to the Bank of Mum.
Unless a miracle happens and I can earn a lot more in my 50's I doubt I can do that for them.

minford · 26/02/2023 10:49

I am funny about it. Partly because DC are likely to blurt it out and more importantly because I don't want them making assumptions about why I should be paying for things and my ex partners shouldn't. I also don't want the fathers of my DC knowing my personal finances - there are two and they are both difficult for different reasons - one has a lot and one always thinks he has very little, so doesn't contribute properly, though he seems to spend much of his income on gigs and holidays. But I can see there is value in going through it. If I did that I would need to ensure they had the concentration to understand the monthly costs though... which they may not really want to focus on.

Zipps · 26/02/2023 11:25

Yes (they are grown up now)I have always discussed finances with my dc, age appropriately.
It's how I learned about money and we have done very well. One dc has their own successful business and the other is studying accounting/business. Knowing our income and being able to budget, what we spend it on and what is left over for holidays, Christmas etc is a very important life lesson. Being weird and secretive with dc about money doesn't do anyone any favours imo.
Our dc know what's in our will and where it is, having seen all the anguish on MN regarding inheritance/unfairness I'm glad that our dc don't need to give it a second thought. They have also been receiving lump sums and we pay for holidays etc now because we want them to enjoy it while we are alive and not go to care homes. So they are learning about how to save but spend and gift as you go along instead of hoarding it until you are too old to get the benefits.

Pandor · 26/02/2023 12:58

I wonder if there is a correlation between size of salary and willingness to tell kids. If I had to guess I would say that people earning less might be more willing to reveal how much they earn to their kids, whereas people earning at the higher end of the scale are more likely to be very vague. I could be completely wrong though!

hollyivysaurus · 26/02/2023 13:16

Not at the moment (they are 7 and 5) but I will when they're older. DH and I aren't super high earners, both under £30k, I might feel a bit differently if we earned crazy money. And then I'll follow it up with how much the mortgage is, bills are, council tax is! My parents always had the attitude that they didn't want me to worry about money - I think because they were brought up in the type of household were there often wasn't enough - and as a result I was quite naive about costs and ended up with some credit card debt through poor decisions etc.

MistyMooninabluesky · 26/02/2023 13:28

No and I wouldn’t dream of asking my adult DCs what they earn either!

MistyMooninabluesky · 26/02/2023 13:30

2chocolateoranges · 26/02/2023 10:22

Our children (19&21) know how much we earn, I don’t see the problem with discussing wages, budgets, bills etc. it’s all part of growing up and gives them an understanding of living in the real world.

Quite happy to discuss budgeting, bills etc but I don’t understand why we need to say how much we earn.

FunnysInLaJardin · 26/02/2023 13:31

We have always been open with the DC about how much we earn. I am the higher earner and I think its good for them to know women can earn more than men

Season0fTheWitch · 26/02/2023 13:32

Our kids know but don't care (under 5). They know we earn well because of their school and our cars, and know money isn't everything

PolkaDotMankini · 26/02/2023 13:35

My DC are 13 and 10. They know how much I earn, and that I earn more than DH. I don't think they know how much DH earns. I've always been open about how much I earn and how much things cost. How will they know otherwise?

AdoraBell · 26/02/2023 13:37

Yes. Also costs, mortgage, insurance, groceries, vet bills and saving for pension, etc. But also told them it’s only discussed at home and never with friends.

FunnysInLaJardin · 26/02/2023 13:41

actually the more I think about it, the more I realise how important it is that children understand how much money it costs to keep a household running.

On paper our salary sounds like a lot, but once you take all the outgoings into account it is much less than they might think. They know what our costs are ie mortgage etc.

As a result they are both really good with money. DS1 will spend his money but keeps an eye on his online banking and is really very sensible. At 17 that pleases me a lot!