That's it. Anxiety has won. I am exhausted and can't take any more

[Tulips365]

Hi,

I honestly don't know how much more I can take. During the day I'm constantly jumping to worse case scenario and during the night, my OCD kicks in and I have awful, dark thoughts on a constant loop, including disturbing images, like a kaleidoscope of horrors. Last night I got 2 hours sleep and that was actually this morning. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night and wanted to scream. Would have done if it weren't for dp and dd.

Today of course I feel like utter shit.

I have avoided medication for decades, but I think I've hit the wall. I hate the idea of taking something daily and am also very wary of side effects. Mostly weight gain and numbness.

I'm absolutely desperate now. Any natural remedies that actually work or am I absolutely kidding myself?

Thank you.

Your body needs help, medication can help, please try it. Sometimes our bodies don't need help to balance things out, that's okay.
Talk to your GP, make sure you feel comfortable that they're listening to you and that they invite you back to discuss how things are going. I've been on different ones and different strengths, my GP is brilliant at tweaking when necessary.

I have beta blockers, the sleep disturbances were temporary and don't even happen for everyone- I had insane dreams for 2/3 weeks and now I sleep better than I ever had in my life.
Meds are not a bad thing and there are so many different types that you will find something that works for you and your life.
Taking something every day is also not a big deal- I think of them like drinking water or eating vegetables- its just something you do in the day to make your body work- I eat spinach for the iron, I drink orange juice for the vitamins and I take my pills to keep my brain working right- its all okay.

I went on the meds. It was the baseline of the meds that made me human enough to engage with the natural methods successfully enough to phase off the meds later.

I won't lie, phasing off the meds wasn't fun, but I now live with well-established methods for managing my life which I adopted whilst supported by the meds.

I've decided beta blockers aren't for me after trying 1 tablet. It made me feel worse if that's even possible??! I think I'm in that tiny percentage though and most people would be fine. I just don't seem to react well to meds. 😬
I eat healthy and don't drink alcohol but think I need to push myself to go to the gym and wait for therapy.

Don't disturb mine. Propranolol can make me function on a bad day. It's great stuff.

Avoided meds for years, tried every talking therapy. Meds transformed my life, I had no idea how much I was affected by intrusive thoughts until they stopped. It's not the right answer for everyone. Speak to your doctor. Maybe consider trying something for 3-6 months just to see?

I experienced side effects on meds, but the side effects were preferable to the way I'd been living. And the meds helped me keep going for long enough to put in the work (e.g. therapy, CBT, learning executive functioning and emotional regulation skills), rebuild my life and wean off them. Also, you can ask for a titrated dose - the very smallest dose - at the start.

I had a friend who was dead set against medication for her anxiety. Point blank refused it for over two decades. When she finally did take the meds they transformed her life.

Medications have side effects, but different ones, and not everyone gets them.

if there is one you are particularly worried about, then the GP can take the likelihood of it into account when picking a drug.

goodmluck

OP, so sorry to hear your going thought this . Anxiety is shit. Meds are not for everyone, but you have clearly come to a point in your life where this is a viable option. Personally they have worked wonders for me. And please take this is a positive. I think , even now theres so much stigma around mental health and taking meds is almost a negative thing , but whilst theres help out there - take it!.
In the meantime (and alongside) You could try other things. Meditation, massage therapy, relaxation apps, exercise etc.There are loads of things on YouTube, so can be cost effective too.Take care of yourself 💕

I was prescribed them before I knew I had adhd. I'm now on stimulants that make my brain fire up properly. They've been life changing.

Thank you @mommatoone I've never managed to crack meditation. I always end up more worked up, which I hear can be quite common with some people.

@Mabelface that's great. Although a stimulant sounds like the absolute opposite of what I need! 😂

Had an almost normal night, so feeling a bit more human today. Smothered my pillow in lavender, did some breathing exercises before going to bed, but honestly, I think I was just utterly exhausted. This seems to be my pattern.

Stimulant medication works differently on the adhd brain. It doesn't make you more manic. Check out on YouTube adhd - not just for kids - this explains it really well. Short version is, in an adhd brain, the neurons don't fire all the way to the top. The medication helps this, meaning you can focus, you're less anxious, executive dysfunction improves as does the horrific procrastination.

I'm not perfect by any means, and I'm also autistic but my life has improved so much. Just over a year ago I was very mentally unwell. Now my mental health is better than I can ever remember. I've even managed to get a promotion in work. I now know my own worth.

Part of the condition is that little inner voice that tells you that you are absolutely shit at life, you should be able to do the things others find easy and you tell yourself that you're lazy, unfocused and generally pretty rubbish. That voice is so wrong though, as we're actually really good at life when our difficulties are taken into consideration. Having reasonable adjustments in place at work also means that I'm on a level playing field with my colleagues.

@Mabelface that all sounds very familiar. Especially the procrastinating and that self loathing inner voice. Maybe I need re consider seeking a diagnosis.

It may well be worth it. It definitely was for me.

Another awful night. 1 hour this morning. Was calmer, as kind of let it go, but today I feel awful and panicky. Had a massive row with dp before bed - well actually in bed! So certain that didn't help.

OP: take the prescribed meds.
It is your anxiety keeping you from the actual medication that can actually help.

It isn’t a question of ‘winning’ or ‘giving in’, I understand how you feel that, I felt like that when I had depression. But in the end medication reset my brain and body back to ‘me’, the real me, not ruled by MH issues.

Op what’s your circumstances like in terms of… do you work? Hobbies? Friends?

In your situation I'd take an anti anxiety, antidepressant drug. Why not try it? If you don't like it you can stop.
I suffered the most debilitating anxiety years ago - it was as if someone was holding a gun to my head 24 hours a day. That's the level of terror I felt. Constant panic, fear, unable to function. I resisted drugs for months but in the end I couldn't carry on. My life was over and I had nothing to lose so I took them. The drugs were brilliant!! I definitely DID NOT feel numb. I just felt like me again - and I felt relieved, light, happy to finally be free of the crippling anxiety. It enabled me to go back to uni (I'd had to drop out due to the anxiety), get on with my life, make friends. Start living again. I didn't put on weight. I think I lost it because I'd previously been comfort eating. This was 20 years ago and there are even better drugs around now. After 6 months or so I came off the drugs. Absolutely no problem coming off. It was easy. Although I'm naturally an anxious person I've never relapsed to that type of life destroying anxiety and panic.

I was exactly the same as you so completely understand. I decided to take the meds. They didn't cure my anxiety but they helped ease symptoms so I could focus, sleep and just get on with my day. I then started taking regular walks and short jogs outside which helped a lot. Anxiety is horrible and can be completely debilitating but there is help out there and you can overcome it.

I was in the same boat this time last year. My life felt awful. Coming off the pill and cbt therapy have really helped, I feel so different now.

CBD could really help you with anxiety. But the best you can afford (CBD brothers is very good quality). There are different strains that have different benefits. For anxiety you’d be best off using an indicia or hybrid strain. Try joining the ‘Herbal alternatives’ Facebook page. Lots of info available on there about anxiety and sleep issues. The manufacturers of CBD are not themselves allowed to advise on medical issues, but the admins on the Facebook page are really knowledgeable and helpful.

Ps mindfulness / bodyscans are so helpful when you practice when you’re at your calmest so you can use in that high alert state. (Ie don’t start using them in that high alert state)

Would it help to get a night away by yourself - is there anywhere you can sleep better? Sleep deprivation is the worst.

I have a formula for self care - journal, walk, shower before bed, calm bedtime. Being very kind to myself and shutting up the critical voice in my head. A few days of that rebalances me.

you will get through this.

@EyesOnThePies yes, that makes sense. I will call the doctors tomorrow. Will I get a face to face appointment? I think I would prefer that.

@Gwen82 I don't work and haven't for almost 20 years. I have told myself (and everyone else through embarrassment) that it's through choice, that I wanted to be a sahm, that I'm lucky that financially I don't need to. These things are true to an extent, but I know working would have done us all good as a family and financially speaking, I understand that just because dp earns enough money, it's never a good idea to rely on someone else in that way. Regardless of how much you love and trust them.

I just have zero self belief. I don't believe I'm good at anything. This is no exaggeration. My last job 18 years a go, I was sexually harassed daily. It was actually horrendous and as a very young woman, I hadn't a clue how to handle it. I left on MH grounds after being signed off and told myself that it was my fault. I was stupid and weak and allowed it to happen. I know plenty would have dusted themselves off and started again, but my MH had already been bad well before then.

Hobbies, again, I hold myself back. Or rather it does. I just don't think I'll be good enough.

I have a few good friends, but thinking about it, they don't know anywhere near the extent of my issues.

How old are your children OP?