Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

MIL pestering me for updates on DC when sick

94 replies

IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:05

Every time DC get sick my MIL will keep texting me to ask for updates. Which sounds nice except it is every day, sometimes more than once, and if I don’t reply to one of them I then get a guilt tripping message saying how worried she is because I haven’t replied. She will also text DH and tell him that I haven’t replied to her messages. I now avoid ever telling her if anyone in the house is ill but sometimes DH will have mentioned it to her.

It’s happened this week and I caught D&V off the DC so I have been vomiting myself, clearing up DC’s vomit and diarrhoea, changing 8000 loads of vomit covered bedding, getting little to no sleep, house is a tip, no food in the house…you get the idea. I’m not having the most fun week. I am already feeling like shit and having MIL pestering me like a woodpecker is not helping. There’s also nothing much to say except “still vomiting”. I would understand the urge for updates if DC were needing-to-go-to-hospital poorly but we are talking run of the mill (but nonetheless tiring and unpleasant) illnesses

I have tried saying things like “Still poorly and up to my ears with looking after poorly DC so I’ll catch up with you when everyone’s better and things are less hectic” but she doesn’t take the hint!!

Yes, #firstworldproblem but I’m ill and grumpy, so there.

OP posts:
WashAsDelicates · 17/02/2023 14:07

Forward her messages to DH.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 17/02/2023 14:08

Ignore. Then when she messages DH, he deals with it

SnarkyBag · 17/02/2023 14:08

reply to one message each time and then ignore and let her pester DH instead.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:10

I have tried ignoring messages in the past but you know once we get to three or four messages my eyeball starts twitching and the feeling that I’m being really rude takes over and I crack…

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 17/02/2023 14:13

Stop telling her about sickness and gave your h manage her need for updates. I can totally see why this is driving you nuts.

Original poster
IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:14

It’s bloody DH who tells her, it’s so annoying. He’s looking for sympathy but then I get the woodpecker texts. Grrr (at DH, not you)

OP posts:
ScentOfAMemory · 17/02/2023 14:15

How is she finding out?
You don't want her to express concern, don't tell her.
Look forward to your "mil doesn't care when we're sick" thread.

MissyB1 · 17/02/2023 14:17

Two suggestions:

  1. forward to dh, tell him to answer.
  2. answer her and ask if she could get some shopping or pop round and pick up some laundry. Or do some other helpful job.
Winterisalmostover · 17/02/2023 14:18

She obviously suffers from excessive anxiety. My DM did and in the days before texting constantly phoned. She never offered to help though! She had experience child death in her immediate family which excused her in my opinion. Not answering fuels the anxiety. A short message such as no change or better helps.

Original poster
IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:22

ScentOfAMemory I don’t tell her, my DH does.

I don’t think a D&V bug type illness warrants many, many messages (plus “I’m really concerned you haven’t replied to my message this morning”, plus messages moaning to my DH that I haven’t replied). If she was actually worried she could pick up the phone to her son.

I think most people would twig that a mum of young sick DC is probably exhausted and up to her eyeballs and leave them to it after one or two messages. It doesn’t feel like concern, it feels like being pestered and criticised when I don’t have time to immediately update her.

OP posts:
LavenderHillMob · 17/02/2023 14:33

I think some people just like discussing illness though. My late MIL had a heart of gold but could mither when DC were sick. Have I tried x,y, z? been to the Dr etc.

Unfortunately as a nurse, I'm mostly uninterested in my DC being Ill so I probably didn't engage in the way she wanted. Smile I can also describe diarrhoea like eskimos describe snow. You could try more information, not less.

Hope you are all feeling better soon.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 14:37

Temporarily block her. I certainly would.

Natty13 · 17/02/2023 14:39

IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:10

I have tried ignoring messages in the past but you know once we get to three or four messages my eyeball starts twitching and the feeling that I’m being really rude takes over and I crack…

The irony of you not being able to control yourself and your reactions but expecting her to control her reactions.

Not to be mean but you can't change anyone else, only yourself. You've done a good start with not telling her when they're ill, and a direct but polite message pointing out you're preoccupied but if that hadn't helped the next step is learning not to feel guilty at the messages.

Maube try archiving her chat for the day so you don't see them pile up and feel anxious? That's what I do.

LeandraDear · 17/02/2023 14:39

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 14:37

Temporarily block her. I certainly would.

OMG! Would it really kill you to take 10 seconds to say "We're all still up to our eyes in vomit here "

ShirleyPhallus · 17/02/2023 14:39

I’d mute her then respond once and ignore otherwise

other people’s anxiety about your issues is tiring

Fanacapan · 17/02/2023 14:41

MIL - damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 14:42

LeandraDear · 17/02/2023 14:39

OMG! Would it really kill you to take 10 seconds to say "We're all still up to our eyes in vomit here "

Show quote history

I would respond. Once. Then after she ignores the fact that I told her I would ring when we were better, you're damn right I'd temporarily block her.

Severalus · 17/02/2023 14:50

Be thankful that you have a mother in law who cares about you and the grandchildren.

After one update tell her you're putting your phone on mute for a while so it doesn't wake you or the children up as you're trying to sleep it off.

Don't overreact, I appreciate it's frustrating but I would much rather be pestered by someone who is anxious but caring than ignored by a relative who is no use when we need help. Count your blessings and try and see her attention as a sign of her affection.

Breadhead1 · 17/02/2023 14:52

My mil does this and she also sends me bat shit crazy home remedies🤣 It used to really annoy me but now I just send a thumbs up which she doesn't reply to, it kind of kills the conversation but I've also replied, win win.

bellac11 · 17/02/2023 14:53

IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:22

ScentOfAMemory I don’t tell her, my DH does.

I don’t think a D&V bug type illness warrants many, many messages (plus “I’m really concerned you haven’t replied to my message this morning”, plus messages moaning to my DH that I haven’t replied). If she was actually worried she could pick up the phone to her son.

I think most people would twig that a mum of young sick DC is probably exhausted and up to her eyeballs and leave them to it after one or two messages. It doesn’t feel like concern, it feels like being pestered and criticised when I don’t have time to immediately update her.

If you said as an answer 'Im exhausted and up to my eyeballs and dont have time to respond, can you message your son'

What would she do/say?

Fundays12 · 17/02/2023 14:53

Stop telling her when your child is sick. Mine or DHS family never know except when we have to say to them best not come today as one of the DC is sick..

Milky4 · 17/02/2023 14:54

Tell your DH not to say anything?

bellac11 · 17/02/2023 14:57

I also hate it, just referencing someone above when you;re ill and its a mundane everyday illness albeit unpleasant and exhausting and the suggestion is 'have you been to the doctor'?

They do this at work a lot. Annoying.

Original poster
IfYouDontAsk · 17/02/2023 14:57

She’s not worried. The “I’m so worried you didn’t reply to my last message” messages are a rebuke for not replying within a certain number of hours. She has never, ever picked up the phone to call when she’s supposedly extremely concerned.

Touché Natty! Archiving the chat temporarily is a good idea.

OP posts:
HildasLostSock · 17/02/2023 14:59

Maybe try saying DH will keep you updated? Then you can ignore subsequent messages as its then up to DH. Also like PP's thumbs up suggestion. My parents can be like this. I understand that they worry and its lovely that they care but it means that I have to manage their emotions/anxieties as well as my own as well as the sick child and it can be exhausting.