MIL pestering me for updates on DC when sick

[IfYouDontAsk]

Every time DC get sick my MIL will keep texting me to ask for updates. Which sounds nice except it is every day, sometimes more than once, and if I don’t reply to one of them I then get a guilt tripping message saying how worried she is because I haven’t replied. She will also text DH and tell him that I haven’t replied to her messages. I now avoid ever telling her if anyone in the house is ill but sometimes DH will have mentioned it to her.

It’s happened this week and I caught D&V off the DC so I have been vomiting myself, clearing up DC’s vomit and diarrhoea, changing 8000 loads of vomit covered bedding, getting little to no sleep, house is a tip, no food in the house…you get the idea. I’m not having the most fun week. I am already feeling like shit and having MIL pestering me like a woodpecker is not helping. There’s also nothing much to say except “still vomiting”. I would understand the urge for updates if DC were needing-to-go-to-hospital poorly but we are talking run of the mill (but nonetheless tiring and unpleasant) illnesses

I have tried saying things like “Still poorly and up to my ears with looking after poorly DC so I’ll catch up with you when everyone’s better and things are less hectic” but she doesn’t take the hint!!

Yes, #firstworldproblem but I’m ill and grumpy, so there.

Send a one word answer each time. Same, worse or better.

Ha! I was just about to say something in a text to my MIL about DD 13 being poorly but I stopped as I know she would be ringing and fretting. Which is kind yes and I love her but I don't want the stress of knowing I've got a long call about nothing much.

She gets very anxious if we don't reply to messages or answer the phone immediately.
Really you need to reply honestly to the first one like we are all ok but there's a lot of mess and I'm unwell too so I wont be looking at my phone for a few days. DH will message if anything changes but dont worry it's seasonal D&V.

Ah surely it's just normal for grandparents to message when the kids are sick. They are just showing interest. Doesn't take much to give them a little update once a day.

It also doesn't take much to read what OP actually wrote!

Severalus I take your point but perhaps some of my frustration about this is that as a grandparent she wants loads of cute photos and videos of the DC to look at/show friends but when it comes to actually making effort to spend time with them or do child friendly stuff them, it’s not very forthcoming. So this quite over the top show of concern doesn’t really match how she is with them.

I would reply once and conclude message by saying I would update again tomorrow. Then completely ignore any further messages.

I feel like that I just need to make clear that showing interest/concern for my DC is kind and lovely.

What I find annoying is when the level of messaging ramps up if I don’t reply within a certain period of time, and the language becomes guilt tripping and faking concern (as I’ve said, she’s never, ever called either me or DH which is what you would do if you truly were concerned that something was wrong) if I don’t reply within a certain period of time. Plus moaning about me having not replied to DH.

Also, when I’ve found it too much and said something like “DC are starting to get better but I’m still feeling rotten, totally behind on house and work so I’ll text you in a few days when things have settled back down”, she will carry on sending me constant messages 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s not someone being kind and concerned.

Jesus, this would annoy the he'll out of me too! My MIL just messages once in the morning to check we're ok and offers to do a food shop and even come round to help with the cleaning. Even when my DS was bluelighted, she asked that we keep her posted or let her know when back home. She didn't constantly message us.

What if you sent her pictures of the vomit and diarrhoea in response to her messages? She might get the hint that way.

What are you worried about happening if you don't respond? The messages are helping neither you nor your children, so there's really no need to reply to messages that are intrusive and unhelpful. Ignire and redirect to DH.

I like the idea of a “same” or “No change” response.

but really, DH NEEDS to reply with “x has her hands full, I will update you when home, please don’t message her again “

My EX MIL is very similar.She has a very poor relationship with her son (my XH) and since the divorce and very LC, feels like she has the right to constantly demand updates on EVERYTHING on a daily basis. Not just when the kids are sick, but 'Did they get back from school ok?' 'Is everything ok?!!!' With more repeated messages and a bunch of exclamation marks. The best one was when she called my office because I hadn't replied to her 8am message (it was 9.15). Drives me mad. If I don't reply because I'm busy, she'll now message my own Dad. I have lost it with her multiple occasions because it feels so intrusive. I now do one polite update and ignore the rest.

I feel your pain. When kids were younger, if sick, MIL would constantly be suggesting taking them to the doctor for every little ailment. We’re Irish: we don’t go to the doctor without very good reason (possibly cos we have to pay😆). I do feel bad sometimes as I know it’s nice she cares and she won’t always be around…but they are a very chatty family and if you tell 1 person a thing, you start getting messages about it from everybody else and I sometimes feel like there’s competition to find stuff out and it’s all grist for the mill.

Lately she is frequently looking for updates on the DCs schooling, trips, interviews, health issues so I just keep leaving her on “read” for days, which my kids tell me is very rude. They are now old enough that she can Whats App them directly, is my thinking…I usually remember at some point to tell DH that his mum is looking for updates “again” and that’s my job done as far as I’m concerned. Definitely make it his job to reply - forward her messages to him, as others have suggested. He can tell her you are up to your eyes!

I feel your pain!

Send pics op. Of vomit. Of vomit covered clothes... Of bedsheets with vomit on.
Or wise up and block them.
Ils never had my mobile number. If she is hounding your dh and only him he will soon put a stop to her nonsense..

Good grief!
You Mumsnetters really hate MILs don't you?!
She texts you once a day to ask after the GC when they are I'll and you are meaning about that?!

Just remember- YOU will be a MIL one day.

What a world we live in.

It’s not a long thread, why not read all the OP’s posts, at least?

There’s obviously a difference between “hey, how’s everyone today?” and 3-4 follow up messages asking why she hasn’t had a reply, and looping in the DH to chase OP as well.

“Hi MIL. We are doing the best we can. Can you ask DH for updates rather than me, the glow from the phone screen is giving me a headache so I’m trying to not use it. Thanks DIL”

Reply 'So glad you've got in touch as I need you to come round, wash the soiled bedding and have a general tidy up'

What does dh say to her when she messages him to say you aren't responding?

I agree with Sparkletastic. Reply with a request. 'Dd still exploding out of both ends. Please could you pop to the shops and get me some pizza, milk, bread and butter. Thanks so much. See you soon'

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas she doesn’t just text once a day. She keeps sending me messages, even if I say all is fine but that I’ll speak to her in a few days when everyone’s better and things are less chaotic. She moans to my husband if I haven’t replied to a message and guilt trips me when I’m ill, absolutely shattered from being up multiple times in the night with sick DC and then spending my days trying to catch up on laundry, the work that I’ve missed because I’ve taken time off to look after poorly DC.

If I’m ever a MIL I won’t keep pestering my DIL when she’s got a lot on (whether that’s ill DC, starting a new job, or whatever). And I certainly won’t go slagging her off to my son because she hasn’t got round to replying to a message from me.

I’d do this too.

Good grief there are some extreme, over reactions on here.

Grandparent shows concern / compassion / interest when told grandchild is unwell so you block her ?

I mean, if you are on your phone, reply. If you have put it away because you are busy, then you won't know the messages are there, so how is it an issue ?

Can you say 'I've asked DH to keep you posted!'

"DH will keep you updated, I'm not checking my phone until better".

Repeat ad nauseum. DH can update as often as he wants or stop telling her every time someone is off colour.