I don’t think I like toddlers. Are they all this awful?!

[JustAskingMate]

Exasperated by this past few weekends. I have a baby girl who is 1. Since having her I’ve made a lot of ‘mum friends’ from various groups who have babies and toddlers of varying ages.

Each one who has a toddler I’ve come away shocked and horrified as whats to come!

Im talking about hair pulling, smacking, biting, screaming, running away and just general feral behaviour.

I completely get the running around and screaming but the aggression of these kids is next level. Because my baby is so much younger she is more vulnerable to harm. Whenever of my friends kids comes near her I pull her away immediately as i genuinely think they’d cause serious harm. The two times I let them get near they pulled her hair and throwed a hard plastic toy at her. For no reason whatsoever.

Those who have small babies plus a nightmare toddler I wonder how they do anything. If left unsupervised for a moment their baby could suffer a serious injury from their sibling.

I love my baby unconditionally so know the other parents do of course, but how they manage to not scream with rage/frustration astounds me and I give them so much credit.

Some of these toddlers I actively dislike due to their behaviour. Don’t find them cute at all and have cancelled any future meet ups with them now as I cannot be around it. I want to give them a proper telling off when they are hitting/biting/attacking instead of letting their parents who they don’t even listen to, but of course I can’t.

I’ve only met two toddlers out of around 12 toddlers who weren’t feral. They ran around and didn’t always listen, but they weren’t aggressive at all.

The parents responses to the behaviours differ. Some just sigh and give a loose telling off whilst others actively tell them off. But nothing seems to make a difference. So I’m guessing it’s just developmental.

The kids don’t seem to care about being reprimanded at all. No fear or upset about being told off from mum/dad. They continue.

Is this behaviour inevitable? How do parents cope? Especially with both a baby and a toddler?

I know I have this all to come and I am dreading it!!!!!

And your baby won't ever grow up to be a toddler

My experience has been the opposite. I’ve met one or two aggressive toddlers but on the whole they are cuddly and chaotic but not violent. Maybe it’s the groups you are going to?

No I haven't experienced that and my son who is 3.5 was never like that.
Sounds like it's your friend circle who can't parent properly

Did you read the post?

Try again. This time read all the words.

Thank the heavens!! I feel relieved to read this!

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy these are from different groups in different areas!! That’s what has me worried and thinking it may just be normal toddler behaviour.

My nephews are nothing like this so I thought maybe they were ‘outliers’ and I was lulled into a false sense of security. But maybe I was originally right and toddlers can be fun and gentle.

‘I love my baby unconditionally’ are words that are easy to bandy around but in reality we don’t like our children at various times, our warm feelings towards them tend to actually be quite conditional (despite of course loving them in a global way) it will happen to you too. I wasn’t there, but I wonder if aggressive is a strong word. Toddlers hitting and biting, snatching etc, are pretty common behaviours which are very testing. But when it’s your child you usually understand them as expressions of emotion and try to help them navigate situations. At toddler groups it can be risky as mums want to chat but toddlers around younger ones unsupervised can result in babies getting manhandled.

God, there was a phase when my second arrived, I forget how long, but we absolutely could not leave the almost 3yr old alone with her, it wasn’t safe. She used to speak to her/about her, through gritted teeth, she really hated her for a time! Which when it’s your wee love, you understand because their world has been turned upside down and you want to help them through it. Other peoples toddlers, less so, but with time you become less stressed by the things you do with your first child.

A toddler has to be taken in a wider context than you're seeing them. Over 24 hours my 2 year old can go from kindest, sweetest angel baby to violent agent of chaos, and back, countless times. On the whole he's sweet, curious, chatty and generally gorgeous but oh my goodness he has little five-minute flashes of throwing, shouting, laughing at us trying to calm him down and can flip again from that to tears in a heartbeat.
They have SO many feelings and no way to understand or process them, so we've got to help and guide them to self regulate.
That being said, if your baby is getting bashed about by older children, it's understandable that you don't necessarily want to find patience and empathy for children who've upset her!!
For when your own daughter gets there, I recommended 'unconditional parenting'and 'big little feelings' on Instagram!

Toddlers can be a cross between little angels and the antichrist. Very normal. It gets better - honest!!

I have a 2 year old and to be honest most of them have their moments.

He can be the most loving, sweet, affectionate little boy who loves cuddling and kissing me on the cheek! But yes, he can also throw the worlds biggest tantrums, say ‘no’ to absolutely everything, scratch and generally just take everything out of me!!!

I’m sorry to say the chances are you will experience this yourself at some point within the next year.

It is a good idea to read books, not that they can ‘tell you how to parent’, but just so that you can remember in the heat of a tantrum or meltdown to refer back to the number one rule (that being to remind yourself that they are just babies and this is just a phase!).

It can be easy to forget that they are actually harmless and rather they are just little and learning the boundaries and how to manage their emotions.

But it is hard, very hard. Some women will admit that the toddler stage is why they have gone back to work! But like I say, it is a phase and they grow out of it as they mature.

Im talking about hair pulling, smacking, biting, screaming, running away and just general feral behaviour.

They are definitely not all like this. In my experience this is the rare exception.

That said, my toddler can be an absolute pain in the backside at times but in very different ways to what you described OP. Mainly constant nagging for things, arguing about leaving the playground, not wanting to go to bed, etc.

My DS was like the bloody antichrist as a toddler! Screaming, crying, kicking, biting, hitting (but only ever me, he was quite ‘safe’ around other children thankfully!) I didn’t like him much at the time. Loved him with all my heart but liked him… not so much. I used to flinch when he came near me sometimes. Believe me, I tried every discipline technique in the book, went to parenting classes, called the health visitor in for an assessment. Probably should have called the local priest for an exorcism…. Health visitor said he needed to start school and thankfully he was a summer baby so started school just after his 4th birthday and has been as good as gold ever since. Actually he’s the sweetest, gentlest child now! Child 2 was a model toddler. One of those kids who could talk fluently from an early age and chat sweetly to adults or sit and look at a book whilst I could sit and chat to my friends. Never heard so much as a squeak, let alone a tantrum from her…. She’s been the far more challenging of my kids in the long run though. My point is, parenting is a long game and all kids will go through challenging phases when liking them is not always easy!!

Are you meeting them in group settings? I often think they are far more feral than individual toddlers. Children that I know to be impeccably behaved go insane at parties or nursery pick up time. It's fascinating from a sociological perspective. I bet in time your daughter will be merrily joining in!

I think every first time parent looks at toddlers with horror (and generally doesn't think their own sweet baby could possibly like that in a year's time )

Toddlers are little whirling bundles of energy, incredibly fast developing brains and emotions. In any 24 hr period they will be the cutest things on the planet and frequently also the most demonic... sometimes within the space of a few minutes!
I look after my little grandson, who has been one of the happiest, most sociable and easy going babies I've ever known and I had four myself.
Now he's 21m and has discovered he has a will of his own...
80% amazing.. gaining speech by the day, curious, affectionate, hilarious.
The other 20% is having a tantrum over something.. and that's just normal development.

A year ago I was gazing with some horror at stay and play when the 2 year olds were charging past , now I'm chasing him! But with kind but solid boundaries most toddlers aren't awful (toy throwing gets said toy swiftly removed and toddler redirected) It passes... but there is a reason most parents are happy when they are old enough for nursery school. Toddlers ARE hard work!

Certainly not my experience of toddlers and I've been a childminder, had 3 myself and was an Aunty to 12.

I have to say, I'm assuming this is the typical hyperbole we seem to see a lot on mumsnet lately. You've probably seen a few slightly crazy toddlers but that won't get you the high response rate you're after so you're exaggerating for dramatic effect.

Think you might have accidently posted on the wrong thread???

No worries, can happen to anyone! 😘

I think they are all like that periodically. Just not all the time. I definitely think you notice less when you aren’t trying to protect a small baby.
Then when you have your second you realise they are actually pretty robust and don’t bat an eyelid

My toddler Dd is very mild, very friendly and even tempered. We have honestly never had an issue with biting, scratching, pushing etc. I cannot say the same about some of her nursery friends and that makes it difficult because she will say she doesn’t want to play with them when they push etc. Difficult to know what to say to that!

I have five and none of them were like that. In all that time we had one friend who ha a jolly biter who grew out of it once he could talk and one aggressive child who’s parents didn’t get on and I expect had a harder life than was the norm. Other than that they were all lovely most of the time.

I think the other thing that I frantically tried to remember when my DS was being a nightmare is that it's all normal and healthy development (mainly). They need to tantrum, they need to push boundaries, they need to push you. It's how they learn.

No child, of any age, should ever fear their parents or worry about upsetting them. Nor should they receive “a proper telling off” for normal, developmental behaviour. That is fear based parenting and completely unacceptable.

I have a toddler. She is not aggressive. She doesn’t hit or throw or bite nor does she run around screaming.

On the occasions she has displayed behaviour I am not happy with (like pulling hair), I don’t tell her off. She won’t learn anything from that. I show her what to do, instead of what not to do (stroke hair).

Any attention on a behaviour will reinforce that behaviour.

The problem is the namely pamby parenting where toddlers aren't taught the word NO. Of course my kid could push the boundaries aged 2/3 but if she hit another child, pulled hair, threw anything she would be take by the hand into a quiet corner and told NO firmly. Sick of hearing 'oh don't do that sweetheart' (usually while looking at a phone), and rewarding bad behaviour with cuddles.

Quite funny reading@MelaniesFlowers then @Mariposista ’s posts one after another!

Thanks for your replies. They are all very reassuring.

I think the thing that worries me was the ‘likeable’ aspect. At some moments when a toddler has just thrown a toy at the baby, smacked and bitten their mum and then thrown themselves on the floor screaming with snot running down their nose I’ve thought very bad thoughts. As in, if I was your parent I would probably say see ya, chuck you some snacks and then get in my car and leave the country. 😭😭
However the parent then cuddles the child and gives reassurance and I think what an actual saint. They are the most annoying, aggressive and feral ball of fire but here you are cuddling them.

What a PP said about context makes sense though. Im only seeing them being feral. That parent sees the whole picture and them at their loveliest. So it must make the bad times bearable.

Sounds like it may be more down to your choice of friends. What you're describing isn't normal.