I don’t think I like toddlers. Are they all this awful?!

[JustAskingMate]

Exasperated by this past few weekends. I have a baby girl who is 1. Since having her I’ve made a lot of ‘mum friends’ from various groups who have babies and toddlers of varying ages.

Each one who has a toddler I’ve come away shocked and horrified as whats to come!

Im talking about hair pulling, smacking, biting, screaming, running away and just general feral behaviour.

I completely get the running around and screaming but the aggression of these kids is next level. Because my baby is so much younger she is more vulnerable to harm. Whenever of my friends kids comes near her I pull her away immediately as i genuinely think they’d cause serious harm. The two times I let them get near they pulled her hair and throwed a hard plastic toy at her. For no reason whatsoever.

Those who have small babies plus a nightmare toddler I wonder how they do anything. If left unsupervised for a moment their baby could suffer a serious injury from their sibling.

I love my baby unconditionally so know the other parents do of course, but how they manage to not scream with rage/frustration astounds me and I give them so much credit.

Some of these toddlers I actively dislike due to their behaviour. Don’t find them cute at all and have cancelled any future meet ups with them now as I cannot be around it. I want to give them a proper telling off when they are hitting/biting/attacking instead of letting their parents who they don’t even listen to, but of course I can’t.

I’ve only met two toddlers out of around 12 toddlers who weren’t feral. They ran around and didn’t always listen, but they weren’t aggressive at all.

The parents responses to the behaviours differ. Some just sigh and give a loose telling off whilst others actively tell them off. But nothing seems to make a difference. So I’m guessing it’s just developmental.

The kids don’t seem to care about being reprimanded at all. No fear or upset about being told off from mum/dad. They continue.

Is this behaviour inevitable? How do parents cope? Especially with both a baby and a toddler?

I know I have this all to come and I am dreading it!!!!!

Just wait...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ohhhh how the tides will turn.

@Mammyloveswine @afinishedkiss I don’t get what you mean? I’ve said I know it’s coming..

My 20m old is the work of the devil sometimes but he's nothing like you describe you've seen.

He's wilful and he loses control of his emotions too many times a day to count but, well, he's supposed to at this age as emotions are big to him.

I've successfully navigated one toddler to become a half decent 10yo and I'll get there with this one - but patience and chocolate/wine/naps are my friend!!

.As in, if I was your parent I would probably say see ya, chuck you some snacks and then get in my car and leave the country. 😭😭
However the parent then cuddles the child and gives reassurance and I think what an actual saint. They are the most annoying, aggressive and feral ball of fire but here you are cuddling them.

Hopefully you will cuddle your little one and reassure them when that time comes. After all you love her unconditionally …. Like all other mums do of their feral balls of fire.

It's phases. There are many phases ahead of you. You'll get used to one and the next will kick in. You'll deal with it. Kids train you, not the other way round.

Op I suspect it looks worse to you than it actually is, my ds1 was feral and was a biter.. he also had a speech delay and was frustrated. I was horrified and literally followed him around with ds2 hanging off the boob for dear life.

Fwiw ds2 was an absolute joy as a toddler and still is super well behaved at 5. Ds1 has an autism diagnosis and whilst i can generally help him with his emotions sometimes he can't help his behaviour when out and about and what I really don't need is judgement over his behaviour when he's actually doing no harm.

Toddlers can be feral little wild things, things will look worse to you because of your previous first born.

I had 2 under 2 and ds1 NEVER hurt his baby brother (or any other baby tbh! It was usually a response to other toddlers but I stepped in before any major conflict).

The reason Mother Nature makes toddlers cute is so we don’t abandon them in droves when they start behaving like mini-Antichrists.

I have a 3 year old. I wouldn't say he's gentle but he's not violent. He can be a bit rambunctious and likes to run about, he often doesn't know his own strength. But he's great with smaller children and animals, has the very best laugh I've ever heard in my life. Some of the things he comes out with are clever and some are hilarious. Toddlers are bonkers but I'd hardly say violent.

I don’t reward bad behaviour with cuddles. Equally, I don’t take her to the side and just say “no” because she wouldn’t learn anything from that.

She has consistent and appropriate boundaries and we stick to them. I show her how we behave, how our actions make others feel, and if she cannot behave then we would leave.

I wouldn’t allow her to run around hitting or throwing or pushing or biting or shrieking. I would address those behaviours, but I wouldn’t shout or just tell her off or be permissive.

My DS isn't like this. He's 3 in april and he is so calm, kind and friendly.
Odd tantrum here & there but doesn't last long. Has never bit any one (that i know of) nor hair pulling.
He has been hit by other kids at nursery so I've no doubt he'll start hitting back one day.
So, no they are not all like that, but also toddler behaviour such as not listening and the odd tantrum is completely age appropriate and normal when they're learning how to handle their own feelings.

You think my daughter will be “a little shit” because she has healthy and appropriate consistent boundaries?

You describe coming away ‘shocked and horrified’ after spending time with all of your mum friend’s toddlers which frankly sounds a bit dramatic. Every child you meet is feral? I’ve know dozens of toddlers and have rarely encountered the violent behaviour you describe. I can’t recall ever witnessing a toddler hitting or punching a parent. My oldest child was scratched by another 2 year old when she was with her childminder but that really was a one off.

On the other hand, snatching, grabbing and tantrums are all standard at that age. You seem to have a low threshold for normal toddler behaviour if the sight of a child crying with a runny nose makes you think you’d run away if you had to deal with such ‘extreme’ behaviour.

@MelaniesFlowers - I agree with you, we follow similar methods and my toddler does not hit, bite, throw toys etc. I know it will be partly luck but so far using “namby pampy” parenting is producing a pretty ok kid.

This is so smug. You may want to consider a big part of your well behaved child is luck rather than presuming it's all down to parenting.

My 4 year old was and still is an absolute angel. I obviously thought it was my excellent parenting! My 2 year old on the other hand....also an angel at nursery but at home he is a hitter when he's angry. A hitter when he's excited. A hitter whenever really. We tried ignoring, just praising good behaviour, telling off, naughtly step. It doesn't work because he's too little to properly understand. It's nothing to do with "not hearing no" some people seem to think.

Presumably you made it through the baby stage even when your DC was keeping you up all night screaming or crying for long stretches for no obvious reason etc? As a childless person when I spend time around my parent with screaming babies I sometimes question how they can put up with that, especially in the middle of the night, and think if that was me surely I would be trying to do a runner. But in reality parents put up with the relentless awful bits of bringing up a child and love their baby despite the fact s/he’s only slept for 2 hours a night and screamed the other 10, I guess when they get to toddlers they hopefully sleep more but then they kick and hit and tantrum instead but again, the parents still put up with them. Hard to understand from the outside looking in sometimes but I assume it makes sense once you’re the parent doing it who loves their child unconditionally.

I have only met a couple of properly feral toddlers. Mostly they are pretty lively, most of the time. I was really lucky with my dc1, he was a total nightmare of a baby due to a number of health issues, but he was an adorable and quite compliant toddler. He was very easy to manage in comparison to what some of my friends had to handle. It worries me slightly. Dc2 is only 10 weeks, can you get lucky with two easy toddlers?

@Eastie77Returns i just laughed out loud. When you word it like that I do sound dramatic 😂😂

But I can’t lie, it is shocking to me. Having a toddler try to actively attack for no reason and respond to things with aggression i did not expect.

When my nephews do something wrong they are told off and immediately stop. Sometimes they cry but often they’ll just in their tracks and turn to something else. They never scream and hit/attack from being told no.
My niece on DH side is a crier. So if she pulled hair she’d be told ‘NO!’ and would immediately stop in her tracks and cry. But wouldn’t continue.

They still all run around full of energy and giggle and shout. But never hit, bite, scratch and actively throw things at others. If anyone got hurt it’d be because they ran into them or something. Not an injury as a direct result of their behaviour.

Thats the type of behaviour I was expecting from toddlers I guess. I have honestly been surprised by the seemingly relentless bad behaviour and selective hearing.

My toddler's amazing - sweet, affectionate, funny, chatty - I wish she could be 2 forever, loved every minute of it.

The other toddlers I meet seem perfectly pleasant too. Her nursery group are a happy little bunch, they're a bit feral all together but quite gently so.

😂Yes it was!

Where do you live? I’ve never seen behaviour like that from toddlers. Sure they tantrum and have disgusting snot faces. One might occasionally push another one over when wanting a toy. But smacking, biting, feral behaviour is totally not normal. And I went to a lot of toddler groups.

Definitely this. Even when they are tiny and they start to smile. My wee girl is 10 weeks and feeding hourly through the night for some reason. It is killing me, but she is not crying at all, not grumpy. She is waking me with wee grunts and has such a smily happy wee face that I could never be annoyed with her.

Agree with @MelaniesFlowers
Cuddles/comfort/reassurance help them regulate their emotions when they don't understand, however feral their behaviour appears to you, they are still learning what is acceptable and what is not in terms of behaviour in different scenarios and societal expectations. Big little feelings and all that. Who doesn't feel calmer after a cuddle with someone they love, too?

What does shouting 'no you can't do this/that/whatever' and shoving them in a quiet corner teach? Why not flip it and teach them what they can do instead? Proactive not reactive is surely less 'pamby'. You can still hold boundaries.

My toddler is a delight most of the time but put him in a play date with a specific friend and it's like a switch flips. Sometimes they just wind each other up. It's also developmental so a lot of the pure chaos is when they're frustrated at not being able to do something then they learn and all is well again.