Perceptions of women who prefer to stay single

[TheJackdawMemoirs]

I have been reading about this on another website, and would love to hear your thoughts on it.
I am recently untethered after a 30 year relationship and have been pondering how I feel about the future. It surprises me to admit, just a little, that I kind of love the idea of staying this way, and can perceive a whole vista of happiness in this choice.
Close friends and family would be paramount, and having a satisfying work/creative life, etc.

However, out there, a lot of people are quite afraid of the prospect of not being partnered up, some even thinking there's something wrong with them for not having dated in 3 years. Society does shape us to feel like this to a good extent, and I suppose it is just a facet of our culture.
But I would love to hear of stories, books, or your own perceptions of choosing to live this way. It's a fascinating thing to discuss as I feel that it has been percolating in me for a long time, just never becoming conscious until more recently.

I am a hetero woman in my late 40's and am incredibly fond of men, but I just don't know if I want to go back to that dynamic, and of course I don't have to - but I am still exploring these feelings.
It is far more economical to live/share with another person (oh boy!) and obviously this would be much more complex if there were small children involved. Like any lifestyle choice, there will be plusses and minuses.

I do think women in particular are pressured to feel unsafe or peculiar if they strike out alone, although I do know quite a few middle-aged/older women who live this way and thankfully no one seems to give a hoot. Men will experience different pressures or feelings on this topic, due to the way we are socialised, too.
There is certainly an 'attitude' in our society towards unattached people; ranging from perceptions of 'pity' to a secret envy. It depends upon our own point of view, of course.

Anyone done this, know someone who has done it? Would love to hear about more experiences!

I'm 50 and I separated 5 years ago and honestly I've never been happier!

I lived alone for about 10 years before my ex moved in and I'm very independent and love my own space.I have my children now although they are getting older so maybe I will feel different when they have left home.

If I have time without them I am quite happy to go off myself to a show - have been on holiday by myself before so I don't feel the need for someone for those reasons.

Brave, OP. Before this even reaches page 2 you'll have 'happily married women' telling you that the right man is out there somewhere and how happy they are and how dare you start another boring thread implicitly attacking them for being coupled up.

Yes MrsDanvers, there was one only last night! A terribly happily married woman, immensely triggered by a post a lot like this one. I wouldn't have believed until I really and fully decided to be single forever, how threatening it is to some people.

Amusingly, I've been told that as I 'don't look too bad', I shouldn't 'give up' etc etc. (Maybe being single is OK if you're 'ugly'??) This after I've said repeatedly that I actually don't want to be with anyone. Men in particular really don't like hearing this, it's like you've declared yourself to be a witch ready for burning, or something.

I don't miss an ounce of the energy and time I spent on boring, self-obsessed sex-obsessed men. I must also say that the menopause helps too because I just don't fancy them any more, even the rare good looking ones. I give that time now to my boys, learning languages, travelling and eating out by myself.

I read and posted on that thread, @DaughterofBrum . I did point out that one poster was using a lot of paragraphs (nine, IIRC) to tell us how happily married she was but didn't feel the need to tell us what she was actually telling us. Or, trying to convince us about.

Happily single women really threaten some people. Rather like the ones who can't believe that not every woman wants to be a mother. I can only put it down to feeling insecure about their choices and needing everyone to act and think the same way as them so they can be sure they've done the right thing.

See also - being alone at Christmas, not spending Christmas with family, doing anything alone 😅

Let's just say I try to stay under the radar.

Well I think there's room for us all!
Happily married is lovey, as is any other preferred alternative.

I do think that 'aloneness' has much to do with our emotional/internal outlook, too. Many people who are perpetually surrounded feel lonely, whilst those with only a few for company can feel blessed. It is a mixed bag and I don't think there is a right or wrong.

I don't think anyone would pity me in particular because my life is good (with attendant worries like the economy etc accepting). I think fulfilment something that emanates from us anyway.
Some choose to be single because they have endured trauma, abuse, but might really long to be married deep down. Every situation will be so different.

I have never suffered trauma with a man but do feel that it is time to devote this energy to myself and less typical relationships. That said I am open to romance, so I cannot predict the future!

I also cant see how someone would equate being romantically unattached with spending xmas alone. It's like a very dated, textbook horror that has nothing to do with reality.
If someone has to spend holidays miserable and alone, I strongly doubt it is because they aren't married - deeper problems there, sadly.

I’d assume that any ‘happily married woman’ who came onto a thread like this pontificating probably isn’t as happy as she’d care to admit 😉

I'm a long term single women and I think I baffle most people 😂 it completely blows their minds that I can be happy and fulfilled** and single!

I think single women are also treated with some suspicion, I suspect there's a 'what's wrong with her?' type attitude from some people.

I'm perfectly happy, I enjoy my independence and am proud of my achievements.

Some choose to be single because they have endured trauma, abuse, but might really long to be married deep down.

Yeah, that didn't take long, did it? and you're completely misunderstanding the issue about Christmas alone. My point was like preferring to be single, some people just can't understand why others have no problem with it - preferring, as you did, to blame it on deeper problems there, sadly. People who make comments like that just can't believe others make different choices out of choice.

The happiest people I know are those who are single by choice ... I have quite a few friends, mostly women over 50 who are totally happy with their choice and living very happy lives. I also know a few men who have chosen to be single and are fulfilled, happy and content ... my own DB in his mid 50s lives a lovely life .. could afford to retire early (mortgage paid off, no dependents) ... moved to be near the sea and has a wonderful life ... no Interest at all in being in a relationship.

Single and exceptionally happy that way over here.

Divorced around 40, around 5 years hence. I’ve quite an open mind, so couldn’t rule any possibility out, but I quite simply cannot imagine what kind of human would be able to tempt me away from my beloved, fulfilling, adult life.

Older women who have been married previously and been divorced/widowed often have no desire to put themselves back out there. I'd say that's less common among younger women who also have tons of suitors at that age.

I belong to a mixed social group of 40', 50 and 60' and most are single . We are having the times of our lives and no-one is moping around desperate for a partner . If someone lovely comes along that's great but equally great if they don't .
You can't live by what ifs only the here and now .

Finding/keeping a partner has never been a top priority for me I spent most of my 20s happily single. People around me treated me like I must be desperate to couple up but putting a brave face on it. The only thing I really disliked about being single was the way people reacted to it - including unwanted advice on how to change my looks/behaviour to be more appealing to men, suggestions that I must be secretly gay and attempts to set me up. I am happily married now but if that changed for any reason I really don't think I'd have any interest in another partner. If I was single tomorrow my ideal living arrangement would be sharing a home with a few like-minded women, so there's someone to share the bills with and have a chat with in the evenings if we want to but no need for my life to fit around another person.

I remember reading that a lot of women lived with friends or single family members after WW2, obviously due to tragic losses and having to band together. I always thought that less conventional lifestyles were more prevalent before and between the wars, although not as socially acceptable. I am possibly a Bohemian at heart and could easily live like Dora Carrington, although she was sadly in love with a gay man who didn't return her desire..

But like I said, it is a shame some comments predict us pitting against each other. As women in what is predominantly a man's world, we ought to support all our varied choices.

I also believe that women would make far more singleminded choices if they were wealthy, less dependent on men/family structure. There would definitely be more variety of choice, leaving conventional marriage for those who truly love and belong in it.

I have met exactly one person in RL who respects my personal decision not to date until my DC is an adult. One. The rest treat me like an absolute madwoman. They cant seem to grasp the idea that I'm actually very happy with my life just the way it is.

But like I said, it is a shame some comments predict us pitting against each other

Did you read the other thread? because that's exactly what happened. 'Happily married' women plopping into the thread to tell us how wonderful being married was for them and how they didn't feel they were missing out - and totally missing the point of the thread, which was single women discussing their lives and being single. Not how awful marriage was as an institution and those poor married women who don't know what they are missing.

I'm single by choice! I'm 40, have a 4 year old daughter, my dog, and I love it. I've got zero intention of being in a relationship again- I like things my way. I can do all the "man" things like DIY and so on myself. I have male friends. I like plenty of men. I just don't want to be with them in a romantic sense.

@TheJackdawMemoirs I think you've hit the nail on the head when you mentioned wealth. It's a bit like Virginia Woolf said about the importance of having a room of one's own in order to write. Having financial freedom lets us make the choices we really want to. I do wonder how many people couple up simply because its easier to split the rent/get a mortgage.

I’ve always lived on my own and don’t live close to family any more. It’s great! Never feel lonely (apart from during lockdown which was shit) but I work full time and have hobbies. I sometimes go on holiday on my own through choice, it doesn’t bother as I’m used to travelling alone for work and you can spend your holiday doing as much or as little as you want!

I'm sorry, I don't spend much time on MN.

I love being single, I am a lone parent too and the freedom at home and over parenting is great. There are very few things I don't like about the single life. I mainly dislike the distrust of me as a single woman that I would be after other peoples husbands or boyfriends. I work in a male dominated industry and am used to speaking to men all day and none of them assume I am after them but other women do purely because I am single not through my actions.
I can listen to any music I want, watch any TV, have the whole bed, eat the recipes I like. I have amazing friends and family.

I know of several women who are a bit stuck due to financial issues, having fallen out of love - shared mortgage, etc. It isn't insurmountable but quite a hassle to contemplate in many situations.

I also know many very happily married women, it's a mixed bag.

Like the golden girls!!!
I would love that!!