Perceptions of women who prefer to stay single

[TheJackdawMemoirs]

I have been reading about this on another website, and would love to hear your thoughts on it.
I am recently untethered after a 30 year relationship and have been pondering how I feel about the future. It surprises me to admit, just a little, that I kind of love the idea of staying this way, and can perceive a whole vista of happiness in this choice.
Close friends and family would be paramount, and having a satisfying work/creative life, etc.

However, out there, a lot of people are quite afraid of the prospect of not being partnered up, some even thinking there's something wrong with them for not having dated in 3 years. Society does shape us to feel like this to a good extent, and I suppose it is just a facet of our culture.
But I would love to hear of stories, books, or your own perceptions of choosing to live this way. It's a fascinating thing to discuss as I feel that it has been percolating in me for a long time, just never becoming conscious until more recently.

I am a hetero woman in my late 40's and am incredibly fond of men, but I just don't know if I want to go back to that dynamic, and of course I don't have to - but I am still exploring these feelings.
It is far more economical to live/share with another person (oh boy!) and obviously this would be much more complex if there were small children involved. Like any lifestyle choice, there will be plusses and minuses.

I do think women in particular are pressured to feel unsafe or peculiar if they strike out alone, although I do know quite a few middle-aged/older women who live this way and thankfully no one seems to give a hoot. Men will experience different pressures or feelings on this topic, due to the way we are socialised, too.
There is certainly an 'attitude' in our society towards unattached people; ranging from perceptions of 'pity' to a secret envy. It depends upon our own point of view, of course.

Anyone done this, know someone who has done it? Would love to hear about more experiences!

I agree with you @Girliefriendlikespuppies .
Truly depressing.

I think it stems from the patriarchy as an institution in that a woman is supposed to be spoken for by a man and the man is perceived as the more dominant partner. Whereas in general women are emotionally stronger than men whether they are single or married and men in very general terms are physically stronger e.g. Can do heavy lifting etc.

Wise wise women. They are probably much happier and healthier and have cleaner houses.

I'm 39 & split with my ex nearly 5yrs ago. Best thing I ever did. I've always liked my own company & not had many long term relationships tbh, I find it hard to accommodate another person in my life when I'm happy as I am. After the last one I've not felt the need to entertain another one, I'm better off financially, I don't have anyone (apart from my daughter) to answer to, I don't have to 'check' with the other half before I make plans & I still like my own company. My brother is the complete opposite & the fact that he needs to be in a relationship is baffling to me 🤣. Each to their own I suppose, for me being single is me living my best life 👌

I was lonelier in my marriage than I am single. I never want to live with a man again. However I do want sex so have a couple or FWB who i see 1/2 a month. I dont really want to know about thier life and they mine. They dont ask anything of me or me of them. Its refreshing. I dont want a mans opinion particularly if is to do with my career or children. I have a strong, loyal group of friends for any support I need there.

I can see me living like this forever. Maybe when the girls are older i might live abroad, but still alone and ill prob have fwb for a date or two but thats it.

I will never muddle my finances with a man again, ever.

Id love to end up like the slutty one in The real marigold hotel. Floating around in beautiful clothes not giving a feck with a few retired men to take me to the club they go to.

Sounds like you are rocking it. I love it xxx

Thanks, I really do like my life tbh, it would literally take someone to work miracles for me to want to let them in & even then it's so so 🤣

My DSis is long term single by choice, never lived with a partner let alone be married etc. No children. She is now early 50’s but easily passes for early 40’s. Has loads of girls holidays and socials. Very active with the family and the best Aunt ever. Wonderful career, financially independent. House is exactly how she wants.

Never been any pressure on her and she has a wonderful life. My other DSis is married with 2 kids etc. and we all just gel as individuals rather than talk being about family and partners all the time. I don’t recognise what you’re describing at, although imagine it exists with some people.

Exactly they need to bring a lot of value

Definitely 👌

Threads like this are fucking tedious

Only answers agreeing with the OP are deemed acceptable

I'm happily married so there

I love being lifelong single, and am very happy and proud to be a "Miss"

51, married twice, last divorce 20yrs ago. Was dating until 6yrs ago and am single, happy, free and liberated!

What are you responding to, exactly?

OP isn't doubting that people can be happily married, she's saying that women who choose to remain single are looked on strangely.

You seem offended by the fact that women are happy being single?
It's great that you're happy in your marriage I'm genuinely happy for you, it's just not for everyone.
Marriage is certainly something I've never entertained ever since I was a kid, the idea did nothing for me.
People are not just agreeing for the sake of it, believe it or not us women can actually be happy being single.

I have absolutely loved being single, though I only lasted a year before sorting out an active sex life away from home. I do seem to have a romantic or relationship drive along with that, so the single part of my life has ended now and we'll be moving in together soon, and I'm quite conflicted about it. Just being able to make my own decisions about my own life and living space has been fantastic. In particular hardly ever turning the telly on. Men do seem to love TV.

I think long term single people are still viewed as a bit unusual. Perhaps even more so than in the past. It was 50 years ago we had a lifelong single PM and it was questioned a bit then but I think it would be much more noisily questioned now.

I'm 2 years free of my ex, and TBH, life for me and the kids is so much freer in so many ways - he wasn't tremendously involved anyway, but being completely in charge of what we do when, no feeling guilty for doing things without him or waiting for him to get ready, or decide if he can join us is fantastic, and more than makes up for being confined to the house after bedtime (without significant outlay and prior arrangement)

I honestly think that we're sold this idea of happily ever after, and we kill ourselves trying to get there, I know that I should probably have ended it 5 years before I did, but I persuaded myself it was just a rough patch, and not his basic character being unsuitable for family life. And I think back to previous relationships, and I see all the same problems.

I'm content that I'm a loner, as much as I like watching The Golden Girls, I find living with other adults exhausting. I'm happy just me and the kids (and not the kids once they grow up and fly the nest).

Sure a bit of passion every now and then would be nice, the occasional hand in hand stroll on a sunny day, someone to snuggle up to - but it's not enough to make me want all the rest of what comes with a relationship. Perhaps that'll change, perhaps I'll meet someone, but I don't feel any urge to seek it out.

And my favourite non-child Christmas was spent entirely alone, floating around my flat eating smoked salmon and drinking fizz, watching TV, just generally doing nothing (I had a demanding job - both then and now). I didn't feel sad or lonely though, which is the difference, it was a choice (and I knew that if I wanted somewhere to be I had friends and family who would have happily hosted me)

I was happily single for 10 years after my main relationship ended (bar the odd fwb) and was really happy.

I had a good group of single friend (male and female) who I did hobbies with, went on holiday with, nights out, 'sleepovers' etc.

I had all the comments about being in my prime, men who'd 'reassure' me that I was 'still' attractive and that they'd ask me out if they were single and couldn't get their heads around the idea that I didn't want a boyfriend.

I did start seeing someone around 18 months ago who I'd known for a few years. I'm enjoying it and I'm happy. He's one of the rare ones I think. Good, kind, decent, faithful, very domesticated. It's a very equal relationship. It's not better or worse than being single. Being with him makes me as happy as I was when I was single but I also know I'd be absolutely fine and happy single again without him so there's no sense of feeling like he's my 'last chance' or i have to hang on to him.

Some people are 'militantly' single or 'militantly' married and they seem to feel threatened by the other position but I don't understand that.

Surely, the ideal position is to not be reliant on anyone else and to make your life happy either way. So many people are threatened by other people's choices if they differ from their own when the reality is that its great being single if you have friends, hobbies, interests, work ie have made a 'life' for yourself and being in a relationship is great if you are in a good, healthy, mutually respectful one.

Bring single is not great if you're lonely or feel you're missing out on something and are waiting to meet someone to rescue you from yourself and being in a relationship is not great if you're hanging on to a shit one for fear of being alone.

I got married once and lived with him for a few years. I've spent 10 years of my life co-habiting and 6 of those married. I've always lived alone, with friends or with my kids otherwise. I loved being a single mother. I would consider marriage/co-habiting again but my default state is living single.

I sometimes think there is an element of 'porotesting' too much by some people on both sides.

I’m happily married and completely understand why being single is a an attractive choice. Absolutely don’t think anyone is odd or pity them for it. I have single childfree friends and they have very rich lives. Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all of life.

I have been single for ten years now.
I do like the freedom of being single - but then I imagine in a good, functioning relationship, people can co-exist and thrive in the couple without feeling their autonomy is limited. So I am measuring freedom against a marriage that was controlling.
I now have got to the stage where I recognise the loneliness of being single. Having brought up two children, one with some additional needs, almost entirely myself and working full-time in a demanding job, my social life has atrophied. I am (almost) at the stage where I am thinking, okay, what about me? But I imagine that is not an uncommon question when children are a bit older.
I don’t think ‘what about me?’ is necessarily answered by finding a man (I honestly feel like I would not know where to start on every level with that and I don’t really want to find one, I wouldn’t say no if a kind and decent one who likes gardening crossed my path somehow though) but about doing some of the things I want to do and have had no time to do. It’s a long list.

Whilst there are complex cultural and societal “rules” we’ve all come to believe in and understand, around being in a partnership or a family dynamic being the pinnacle we also have to remember biologically and evolutionary wise we are programmed to want and need procreation and protection.
It is not just society that tells us to have a partner, it is biology.
It does annoy me a little bit that it’s always attributed to “societal” pressure why people (women) can’t be single as if the whole survival of the human race thus far has relied on the majority of people coupling up.

Sorry, bit of a rant.

that said, I wouldn’t seek out another long term relationship if mine came to an end and I agree it would be a cold day in hell when I lived with another one. Soooo whilst I’m happy being partnered up with my excellent person right now, I agree that being a single, mature, well rounded woman with a fulfilling life, without the complexities and challenges of a man sounds fucking wonderful

Too many women destroy their lives by getting involved with untrustworthy men, especially if they are targeted because they have a home of their own and enough income to live on.

if you are happy by yourself, just enjoy it!

Me too. It works very well for me. But I still have people telling me I just haven't found the right one. It's baffling.

I don't a partner, and I definitely don't want to live with anyone. The freedom from compromise is wonderful.

It’s a conspiracy! I’ve seen various studies that being married is beneficial for men’s happiness and health but women fare better when they’re single (not a massive surprise if the Relationships board is anything to go by).

I’m a smug married but if anything happened I’m not sure I could be arsed to do it all again, especially with young DC in tow. My impression of long term single women is more on the side of freedom and independence than loneliness. But then some people put expectations on others to validate their own choices.