Perceptions of women who prefer to stay single

[TheJackdawMemoirs]

I have been reading about this on another website, and would love to hear your thoughts on it.
I am recently untethered after a 30 year relationship and have been pondering how I feel about the future. It surprises me to admit, just a little, that I kind of love the idea of staying this way, and can perceive a whole vista of happiness in this choice.
Close friends and family would be paramount, and having a satisfying work/creative life, etc.

However, out there, a lot of people are quite afraid of the prospect of not being partnered up, some even thinking there's something wrong with them for not having dated in 3 years. Society does shape us to feel like this to a good extent, and I suppose it is just a facet of our culture.
But I would love to hear of stories, books, or your own perceptions of choosing to live this way. It's a fascinating thing to discuss as I feel that it has been percolating in me for a long time, just never becoming conscious until more recently.

I am a hetero woman in my late 40's and am incredibly fond of men, but I just don't know if I want to go back to that dynamic, and of course I don't have to - but I am still exploring these feelings.
It is far more economical to live/share with another person (oh boy!) and obviously this would be much more complex if there were small children involved. Like any lifestyle choice, there will be plusses and minuses.

I do think women in particular are pressured to feel unsafe or peculiar if they strike out alone, although I do know quite a few middle-aged/older women who live this way and thankfully no one seems to give a hoot. Men will experience different pressures or feelings on this topic, due to the way we are socialised, too.
There is certainly an 'attitude' in our society towards unattached people; ranging from perceptions of 'pity' to a secret envy. It depends upon our own point of view, of course.

Anyone done this, know someone who has done it? Would love to hear about more experiences!

I'm 41 and single by choice I spilt with ex in 2016. People think I'm mad my son is 15, I don't want more kids or to get married. I like my freedom, choice & independence. Most of my friend's are in relationships I would never put with.

Men especially can't comprehend that I don't even want to date. I get told my looks won't last forever. They can't understand how I'm single.

Interesting question OP. You are pondering something that lots of women (and men) are also pondering. My feeling is, we're going through a profound change atm. For the first time, it is normal to be single and childless. There have always been single, childless people, of course, but they were generally looked at with pity or contempt. Now, it is becoming an acceptable lifestyle choice – one of many. And it's on the rise!

Off the top of my head, I can think of several single, childless women who're perfectly happy. I'm sure some of them have a FWB, or something like that, but they don't want a partner, and they certainly don't want to live with a man. They're not weird or insular. On the contrary, with one exception, they are highly educated, well-read and popular. One has a PhD, and the other is an artist. I also have a cousin, who will be 40 next year and lives alone. She's never had a relationship, yet is one of the most sociable, life-loving people I've ever met.

All I can say is, thank god! Both my sets of grandparents had utterly hellish marriages, which they stuck out to the bitter end. The attitude back then (they had married in the 1930s/1940s) was "well, you've made a bad choice, and it doesn't work...too bad. It was a throw of the dice and you lost. Now you've got to live with it – forever."

As for loneliness, don't forget that even those in a loving marriage still have a 50/50 chance of ending up alone. One of you has to die first! Twenty years from now, threads like this will be obsolete. In fact, ten years from now 'long-term single' will be a very popular and common lifestyle choice.

I can totally understand it. I think I'd miss having sex though.

There is certainly an 'attitude' in our society towards unattached people; ranging from perceptions of 'pity' to a secret envy. It depends upon our own point of view, of course.

I think a lot of us buy into the thinking that being married is the ultimate achievement, and going through the different "promotion" stages from seeing each other, to GF, to living together, to engagement, to finally wedding is what keeps women in their place. A process that is fully controlled by men, as the culture is for him to ask you out, and to propose etc. Women who break this mould are turning their backs on both patriarchy and the women who have bought into this scheme.

As a single woman in their late 30's, I have been pitied, constant matchmaking attempts, telling me there is 'still time', called a loner etc.
Single women aren't seen as equals. Someone said that very thing on a thread I was reading earlier. They are seen as lacking, or pitied. I have never known any different opinion and it's sad because there is of course more to a person than a relationship but people don't see that, only the single status.

I've been single for 6 years not by choice though and yes people do find it odd

I'm thankful that when I discovered my ex's BS I didn't have to think 'can I afford to live on my own' (well with my DC). I could weigh up what was right for me and the DC and determine how my life would go. Before marriage I spent lots of time on my own between 'relationships' so have always been very independent and found hobbies or things to occupy myself and I'm not scared of a challenge.
I've never really cared what anyone apart from my parents, DC and closest friends have thought of me. Anyone that knows me, truly, would not even bother to ask me if I'm going to meet someone. The answer is 'who knows, but I don't care either way' I am fine on my own.

I'm 63 and single and am perfectly content and happy, and can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again. I separated from my husband 20 years ago - we are still best friends - and have never wanted to attach myself to anyone else. No-one seems to judge me on it - not to my face anyway. I was also single in my youth, and happy then too.

I'm mid-fifties and single, I never married but did have a couple of ten year relationships in my 20s and 30s (one I lived with) plus a couple of short-term relationships (one I lived with). At the age of 31, I swore I'd never marry and never live with someone again due to feeling as if I was living their life, not my own.

Since then, Ive had a couple of long-distance relationships which suited me at the time but since 2019, Ive not been romantically involved with anyone and I much prefer it.

When i was younger, I did get the cold shoulder from some married women, presumably afraid that I'd try to steal their husbands but that stopped once it became known that I was genuinely happy to be single, as Id turned down several offers from a few single/available/eligible men.

I get to do the things I want to do, when I want to do them and with whom I want to do them. I'm the decision-maker and my life is how I want it to be.

I go on holiday/out to eat/walking/cinema/theatre/shopping/day trips etc. on my own quite often as I think it's vitally important that other people -women especially - see single women out in the world, happy and enjoying themselves - that its ok and there is an alternative to being in a relationship if that's what you want.

Ive had quite a few women say they envy me but then I know that I'm very lucky, as I dont have elderly parents or children to support and I'm comfortably off and healthy, which gives me so much more choice than others. It helps that i have other single childless friends too for solidarity!

Lastly, Id say its ok to feel afraid of being on your own - but do it anyway.

I’m long term single, by choice, and still have lots of sex. I have a few gentlemen callers who meet my needs!

I assume this is what I would do too if I ended up single

I'm happily married. I really do love my husband and living with my best mate but... I find it very odd that women don't believe others are happier single!! I can totally see it. Easier and freer in every way.

I bet there aren't many happy single older men though.

It’s the way to do it. Having a few means you don’t end up seeing one person often enough for either to get too attached, and you can have quite regular fun as more likely someone will be available. And variety is the spice of life!

I've been single for just over 3 years now (wasn't my choice to end the relationship) and was previously single for 7 years. I'm happily so now, and have no interest in meeting someone although I miss sex

Comments I have had, which I presume are a reflection of how people view me are.

Don't worry, you'll meet Mr Right one day. Who says I want to?

Perhaps if you lost weight you'd find it easier to meet someone Fuck off.

If you compromised more in a relationship you might be more successful from a man who knows nothing other than that I'm single, I've always believed relationships need 'give and take'/compromise on both sides

I bet you regret having dc, they put men off. fuck off

You should be less picky, most men aren't interested in single mums I need to compromise and be less picky?

I've had married women make very pointed comments about how happily married they are and how their DH would never look at another woman. Clearly single women are a threat! And so desperate we're chasing married men!

And generally I get the impression that when I say I'm happy single people think I'm 'just saying that' because obviously no woman can be.

If my marriage ends, I will be asking you for tips. This sounds quite wonderful

I've been single for 10 years (aside from a totally separate FWB situation) and I can't imagine changing it. I wouldn't live with somebody again. I had such an horrific divorce that has scarred me deeply and I'm not prepared to risk it. I like my own space and am probably a bit set in my ways now. My friends go on about me meeting somebody but I really have no inclination to do so. I like not having to consider anybody but myself and my son.

Happy to give tips/advice anytime!!

I’m not single but my perception of women who are happily single is nothing really. I don’t care if they are coupled up or not, if I really give it some thought I’d think, “they aren’t interested at all or haven’t met anyone who suits”. Most of my friends are single but I don’t give their relationship status any thought unless one of them brings it up.

I find it a bit bewildering that anyone could be that invested in whether someone is coupled up or not. I couldn’t imagine randomly feeling sorry for a woman who looks entirely happy or giving advice on how to bag a man 🙄. Must be really fucking annoying.

Tbf I feel the same about the child free thing, I really don’t care if someone decides to have kids or not (mainly I’m jealous that at least a few days a month they can get up whenever they want and don’t go through life having to negotiate like they work for the UN).

My sister divorced her knobhead of a husband about 35 years ago and has been happily single since. Yes she’s had romance, but chose the single life. She’s had careers, a deep spiritual life, travelled widely and is happy and fulfilled.
Im in the happily married camp, but if anything happened to dh I’d have no interest in another relationship. It would be the next phase of my life.

If I have told someone like my parents I am actively wanting to do so yes otherwise no

I would view a mature woman who chooses to stay single as strong, independent, probably smart, confident & enviable. There is absolutely nothing negative about her choice.

Are single men treated any better though? Aside from the player types that are celebrated single men can be branded as Incels or called gay if they can't find a partner.

I think women tend to be single more by choice because they have more options than men.

Maybe so. Can only speak from my own experience.
I have never felt I am viewed positively or that others are just waiting for my life to begin when I meet 'Mr Right.' It depresses me.

I think single women are becoming more and socially acceptable, thank god.

Vive la femme!

I recently got back in touch with a friend after 15 years and one of the first things she asked was 'am I still single?'

It doesn't matter how successful or happy I am, if I'm still single is the barometer of happiness to other people.

I don't think we've moved on that much since Jane Austin's day tbh.

'A women without a husband is not a problem to be solved'