Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Perceptions of women who prefer to stay single

94 replies

TheJackdawMemoirs · 12/02/2023 15:28

I have been reading about this on another website, and would love to hear your thoughts on it.
I am recently untethered after a 30 year relationship and have been pondering how I feel about the future. It surprises me to admit, just a little, that I kind of love the idea of staying this way, and can perceive a whole vista of happiness in this choice.
Close friends and family would be paramount, and having a satisfying work/creative life, etc.

However, out there, a lot of people are quite afraid of the prospect of not being partnered up, some even thinking there's something wrong with them for not having dated in 3 years. Society does shape us to feel like this to a good extent, and I suppose it is just a facet of our culture.
But I would love to hear of stories, books, or your own perceptions of choosing to live this way. It's a fascinating thing to discuss as I feel that it has been percolating in me for a long time, just never becoming conscious until more recently.

I am a hetero woman in my late 40's and am incredibly fond of men, but I just don't know if I want to go back to that dynamic, and of course I don't have to - but I am still exploring these feelings.
It is far more economical to live/share with another person (oh boy!) and obviously this would be much more complex if there were small children involved. Like any lifestyle choice, there will be plusses and minuses.

I do think women in particular are pressured to feel unsafe or peculiar if they strike out alone, although I do know quite a few middle-aged/older women who live this way and thankfully no one seems to give a hoot. Men will experience different pressures or feelings on this topic, due to the way we are socialised, too.
There is certainly an 'attitude' in our society towards unattached people; ranging from perceptions of 'pity' to a secret envy. It depends upon our own point of view, of course.

Anyone done this, know someone who has done it? Would love to hear about more experiences!

OP posts:

Thighlengthboots · 15/03/2023 07:45

I'm married and happy but I know plenty of women (and some men actually) that have zero interest in a relationship and are perfectly happy being single and with their choice. In my experience of the people that interact around us, noone gives a crap. I literally dont give any thought to their life choices - its never even occurred to me to ask them about it. Why would I? its their choice and that should be respected. No big deal.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 15/03/2023 07:59

At the age of 26 I left my abusive dh, I stayed single for 10 years and look back on this time as one of my happiest, I could be selfish without upsetting anyone, I had a good group of friends and I was very rarely lonely. I loved it tbh. I got pregnant at 36 and decided to try and make a go of it with the father but it didn't work, so I spent another 10 years single with just me and my dd. Again a very happy time for me. I'm now with someone who I love dearly, but I know of anything happens to him I'll be more than fine, I think this time though I'd stay single.

PhoenixAuntie · 15/03/2023 08:01

I think it’s fine at any age it just means no one to share living expenses with that’s all in my opinion. But those expenses could be shared with a lodger, relative or friend.

The bad issue for society with lots of single people is the pressure on housing. The one stat that is overlooked often during the debate about housing is the rise of single person households. It’s at almost 30%. Amongst my neighbours three houses in our row of six that are the same have a single person in and these are quite large family homes. I know many are due to an ageing population but not all.

stinkfaceison · 15/03/2023 08:16

I read once that if the finances were in place 75% of people in a marriage/ partnership would consider leaving .

Zippedydoo123 · 15/03/2023 08:50

I think the only disadvantage is the financial side. However many single women are high earners. I am not but I am blessed with a mortgage free house. I had ds late in life though he is 18 and I still support him and he lives with me. It helps that I relish my own space and independence and am extremely good in my own company. I

The main things I need help with are a reliable gardener handyman and every two years a room decorated. I have allergies and an iffy back so am not handy. Luckily I have all these reliable people.

xJoy · 15/03/2023 08:53

xJoy · 15/03/2023 14:43

I dont care how I'm perceived, not for being single anyway. I guess id feel emotionally more evolved than somebody who pities me for being single !!

I did feel self conscious about it in my 30s when my dad's were tiny. Couldn't care less what people think now.

Zippedydoo123 · 15/03/2023 15:10

stinkfaceison · 15/03/2023 08:16

I read once that if the finances were in place 75% of people in a marriage/ partnership would consider leaving .

Wow. Makes you think.

blobby10 · 15/03/2023 16:03

I got divorced in 2015 after a 20 year marriage. Started dating again in 2017 and stayed with the same man until last year - we never lived together until he moved into mine at the start of last year whilst suffering some health issues. he died in November and I really don't want to be close to anyone ever again. I can't cope with the grief when it all ends! Same goes for having pets, the end -whether its a fish or a cat or a dog or a horse - is just too hard.

QuinkWashable · 15/03/2023 17:45

Yes, the only tricky thing is that you are only one person - so getting everything done is hard! I do need to get better at outsourcing/letting go of the control and getting someone in to do things, even if I know I can do them myself.

MissMaple82 · 15/03/2023 18:32

Oh you couldn't pay me to have a "soul sucking" relationship ever again. I love being free and single!

NastyNiff · 17/03/2023 06:05

I generally only speak about this topic with others who have made similar decisions.
As I guess I'm not interested in the perceptions of all and sundry.
Some married women have said they envy me. I've replied that my freedom has a price - no financial safety net.
I'm wary of anyone either putting me on a pedestal or thinking I'm deficient.
So I pootle on, staying below the radar, and generally keep shtum.

GarlicGrace · 17/03/2023 06:23

I just love being selfish.

I love my own company. I love pursuing many & varied interests, starting new projects (most doomed to remain unfinished, but I don't care).

I was a very happy Cat Lady but the cat died. I'll adopt another one at some point. I spend most Christmases by myself, selfishly.

It's great!

Phoebo · 17/03/2023 06:26

I can definitely see the appeal. Personally I'd prefer a loving relationship, but the choice between being happily single or in a mediocre couple, I'd choose single every time

MintJulia · 17/03/2023 06:52

While I was raising ds on my own and working full time, I know some of the other school mums felt sorry for me, and some, a bit contemptuous that I was single.

I chose to remain single but they couldn't understand that.

Now I have a house that is paid for, a pension fund and a ds who will go to uni in a couple of years, and quite a few of them are getting divorced, trying to get back into work at 45, and finding their lifestyles are reduced, I don't seem to be such a figure of fun any more. One or two have asked for advice.

They probably had a nicer time in their 30s, better cars and clothes. I can retire early. It's a choice we all have to make.

Tumbleweed101 · 17/03/2023 07:03

I'm in my late 40s and single. I have been for about 12years now. The break up with my children's dad was due to him having n affair. I chose not to seek a new relationship initially because I felt it might be hard for the children but now I think I would find it hard with another person in the house. I like my own space and my own routines and doing what I want.

I would sometimes like the security of a second wage coming into the home and not having all that responsibility as I'm on a low wage but that's more about practicality than a relationship!

NastyNiff · 17/03/2023 07:23

I actually feel that every way of life has advantages and disadvantages. And you just have to pick the disadvantages that you find easier to handle. I wouldn't want to paint any way of life as perfect.

Ostryga · 17/03/2023 07:27

I’ve been single since an awful relationship that ended in 2021. I have a 6 yo Dd and decided I don’t want to live with anyone except her. Our house is out little safe haven and I don’t want some guy to come in and mess it up.

Plus dating is so tiring. Why would I spend my very precious free time listening to some guy go on about himself when I could be spending it with people I already know I like?

It would have to be an incredibly special person (Harry Styles) to convince me being in a relationship is better than what my life is like currently. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.

Catspyjamas17 · 17/03/2023 07:28

I'm happily married but certainly wouldn't bother with online dating if I were single at 47. If someone came along then fine but I wouldn't go actively looking and I wouldn't want to live with them.

Flip

1 2 3 4