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Original poster

Thinking of having another baby… are we mad?

102 replies

RollercoasterRayRay · 10/02/2023 20:24

DH and I are considering having another baby. Here are the circumstances.

We have two children age 9 and 6. We have £20k in savings but don’t own a home. DH earns a salary of £45k a year but has subsidised accommodation as part of his work package. He also earns an additional £1.5k a month just now but that will only be for the next 18 months. Then his salary will return to just above his current salary, maybe £48k ish. I earn about £12k working part time.

Im 2 years off completing a degree (studying part time) and will be able to work full time once that’s complete.

DH and I are both mid 30’s.

Would having a 3rd child at this point be a bad idea? I would be entitled to a good maternity package of 6 months full pay, then statutory.

Opinions much appreciated.

OP posts:

catchthedog · 10/02/2023 20:28

fine if u think it all works for you.

if u have 2 kids you have a good idea of how much they cost , and whether you feel you have enough money every month currently left over (excluding your husbands extra pay) . Also think about upcoming costs (holidays/school trips/ bigger car?) etc

UnleashMyPicasso · 10/02/2023 20:28

Why would you be mad? You are far more set up than many.

MrNook · 10/02/2023 20:48

Sounds you like can afford it. What is it you're worried about? The age gap? The money?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General money

monitor1 · 10/02/2023 21:04

I think you'd be mad. At least 7 year gap - massively restricts the holidays, activities etc you can do as a family as you'll always be held back from doing things suitable for the older ones by having to include a baby. Your household income is fine but not that high. The impact on your existing kids will be significant in terms of the time, money etc you have to spend on them. No way would I TTC in your position.

Unicorn2022 · 10/02/2023 21:09

I think you would be mad. You've just got your children to a nice age and are doing a degree and making plans for the future. Why do you want to start over again with a new baby now. Two is a nice amount of kids.

IggyAce · 10/02/2023 21:11

Financially you seem in a good position and could afford another child. However personally I wouldn’t because of the age gap. Plus a few more years and you & dh will be able to reclaim sometime for yourself.

Girasoli · 10/02/2023 21:18

Do you want to buy a house at some point? We are putting off potential DC3 until we have bought somewhere (hopefully in a year or 2), but my youngest has only just turned 3 so I don't have the same age gap worries.

Iguanainanigloo · 10/02/2023 21:48

I have two the same ages, DH and I earn similar to you, but we do own our home, and have paid off most of our mortgage. DH wants another baby. Occasionally I think "awwww I would like a third" but then I remind myself of the reality of it, and the fact I'll be dealing with going back to all the baby stuff, which seems so long ago now. I'm not sure I could put as much enthusiasm and energy into it all a third time around, and I know that would make me feel guilty. Plus the age gap would probably mean the younger one always misses out/and just gets dragged around to the older ones activities. The pregnancy, broken sleep, nappies, crying, baby/toddler groups, breastfeeding, weaning, baby milestones etc.... All stuff I just don't think I want to go through again. My older two although need me less physically now, emotionally and mentally, they need me more than ever, and I feel constantly divided trying to give them both the same level of attention. Just don't know how I'd have anytime to devote to their needs if I had a newborn to look after. It's a personal decision though, and your circumstances may make it easier for you. For us, I feel like the effect it would have on our existing children would be more negative than positive (maybe only short term, as I'm sure they would love another sibling) but that is the main thing that sways me to say no, as I feel it would dramatically impact their lives, and when things are now easy and relatively stress free, I'm not sure I could cope with going back to the mayhem and stress of the baby/toddler/preschool years!

Original poster

RollercoasterRayRay · 11/02/2023 09:51

Thanks for the replies. I suppose it’s the age gap that concerns me. We already have a big enough car, and going back to the baby stage would be going back to something I really loved, so that doesn’t have negative connotations for me. My children have been begging me for a baby brother or sister and I’ve explained to them that having another would dictate the places we could go, the things we could do etc, but they are not deterred. I know they are only kids so can’t possibly imagine what the reality would be like though.

It’s such a tough call.

OP posts:

Original poster

RollercoasterRayRay · 11/02/2023 13:29

I’d be grateful for any other opinions…

OP posts:

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 11/02/2023 13:39

I personally wouldn’t due to age gap, but from what you’ve said, everyone seems on board. If you can definitely afford it, why not?

Ostryga · 11/02/2023 13:40

Do your children need another sibling? Would it make their lives better? It’s all well and good having money, but it affects them as well.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 11/02/2023 13:43

You have 2 years left on your uni course, would you be able to finish it in 2 years while pregnant and on maternity leave?

You said that after finishing the course you'd be able to go back to work full time using it, would that still be the case with a baby/toddler?

For full time nursery you'd be looking at around £1200 a month until the term after they turn 3 then it would halve(ish) as the 30 hrs term time only funding would kick in.

Could you afford nursery alongside holiday clubs for your 2 other children?

Unicorn2022 · 11/02/2023 13:49

Children always ask for a sibling - I remember begging my mum for a sister when I was little. I then moved to begging for a puppy. My DD2 used to beg for a brother (probably because her best friend had just had a new sibling).

The baby stage is a very short stage and not all babies are a pleasure to look after, so I wouldn't let your love of the baby stage have any bearing on your situation.

If I were you I would work on your degree and career and invest as much money as you can in case you don't always have subsidised accommodation linked to your DH's work and need to buy somewhere to live.

Viviennemary · 11/02/2023 13:54

I think you should finish your degree first. But if you think you csn manage a baby and study then fine.

Elmo230885 · 11/02/2023 13:55

Unicorn2022 · 10/02/2023 21:09

This, 100%

Mushroo · 11/02/2023 13:56

I wouldn’t, it’s a big age gap and you have two lovely children.

You mention Mat leave pay, but you’re not just having a baby, you’re having a whole extra person.

Is your car big enough? Can you afford 3 sets of uni fees, 3 lots of help with driving lessons, house deposits, to pay for an extra person on holiday?

ShadowPuppets · 11/02/2023 13:59

Personally I wouldn’t. But I think if you’re going to do it, I’d do it now - while you have a chance to build up savings, you can neatly take a year out of your course, kids are at relatively unchallenging ages (not yet at secondary etc). If you think you’re going to do it anyway I’d say crack on, better that than letting it nag at you for 2 years then impacting on new career, hitting at the same time as eldest goes into teens, etc…

Curtainsorblinds · 11/02/2023 13:59

Flipping it around a bit - why do you want a third? It might help you work out if you’re ‘mad’ or not.

im thinking about a third buts ours are only 18 months and 4 so a bit different although also in my mid thirties

Sunflowers86 · 11/02/2023 14:11

We personally wouldn't. Everything sounds pretty great as it is.

Enjoy being a family of 4. Ours are a little younger than yours, I can't wait to hit these ages and really make the most of adventures, activities, holidays etc without having to bring the entirety of the house, work around naps, sleepless nights, the pram, the tantrums, starting our day at 5am with numerous wake ups etc...

Shudder, run for the hills!!! Use that money to give the two you have lots of amazing experiences and make memories.

Ihadenough22 · 11/02/2023 14:21

In your case I would not have another baby. Your currently studying and working pt.
Once you get your degree your planning to work full time. The cost of childcare for a baby is very high and it hard to get a place for a small baby. You also have the cost of minding for your 2 older children when your working full time.
Your husband is currently earning a bit of extra income but this will only be for a certain time period.
Your 2 children are getting that bit older. Your currently living in subsidised accomodation as part of your husband's job.
What happens if your husband was to lose his job? You have to move out of your current housing and pay market rent. The rental market in terrible in a lot of places in that it either hard to get a place or they are looking for large rent.

Your kids say they like a baby but they have no idea of what a baby entails. The novelty will soon wear off when they have to listen to a crying baby and be told no when you can't bring them places or do things because of the baby.
You will have more expenses and have to change your car.

You and your husband are in your mid 30's with 2 kids. At this stage you and him should be saving as much as possible and aiming to buy you own home and not having another baby.
Get your kids a dog instead of a baby.

MistressofMuppets · 11/02/2023 14:22

I'm a one-and-done. But I didn't enjoy the baby stage, much prefer now as DD can do so many more things with me.

However, I wanted to post about the age gap. Lots of people saying that it's an issue.

There is a 7.5-year age gap between me and DB. We're from a large extended family but he's my only sibling. All of my (many many) cousins have a much lesser gap between siblings.

Growing up we did argue and I did feel a bit like an unpaid babysitter, however, now we're grown up we've got the closest sibling bond out of all of the cousins and have had since he was around 13/14.

Also my DSD is 10 years older than my DD and they have always got along amazingly.

So the age gap thing may not be as big a problem as it first appears in all circumstances. I know this is just my experience but wanted to show the view from another angle

Bertha21 · 11/02/2023 14:23

Personally it’s going to be a big ish age gap anyway so I would finish the degree first. Or fall pg towards the end if you think you will feel ok. I think you regret what you don’t do in life. I would also want to buy a house but I guess that can wait. You need to decide what you want to prioritise.

AnotherEmma · 11/02/2023 14:24

Mad. Sorry! So far literally the only reason you've given is that your kids have been asking for a sibling. That is not a good enough reason! You haven't said anything about yourself and DH really wanting another?

I've only ever wanted 2 children and I am lucky to have 2 healthy children so I am definitely done. I guess people with 3+ children might answer differently if they are happy with their choice. But personally I find my two hard enough and can't think of anything worse than starting over when they are 9 and 6! <shudders>

ladygindiva · 11/02/2023 14:24

Plan for 2 more. Twins always seem to catch people out. Yours sincerely a twin mum who was only having one more 🤣

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