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Original poster

Thinking of having another baby… are we mad?

102 replies

RollercoasterRayRay · 10/02/2023 20:24

DH and I are considering having another baby. Here are the circumstances.

We have two children age 9 and 6. We have £20k in savings but don’t own a home. DH earns a salary of £45k a year but has subsidised accommodation as part of his work package. He also earns an additional £1.5k a month just now but that will only be for the next 18 months. Then his salary will return to just above his current salary, maybe £48k ish. I earn about £12k working part time.

Im 2 years off completing a degree (studying part time) and will be able to work full time once that’s complete.

DH and I are both mid 30’s.

Would having a 3rd child at this point be a bad idea? I would be entitled to a good maternity package of 6 months full pay, then statutory.

Opinions much appreciated.

OP posts:
Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:26

I think you'd be mad. At least 7 year gap - massively restricts the holidays, activities etc you can do as a family as you'll always be held back from doing things suitable for the older ones by having to include a baby.

I'd think you're mad too, especially as you've got two great children already!

I can't think of many reasons why having more than two children (as two parents) would be a good idea? Think about the global aspects of our planet too.

Madmax1992 · 11/02/2023 14:26

I have a 9 year old and a 6 year old and just had our 3rd a few weeks ago, it's been lovely! Yes it was strange going back to sleepless nights but they soon pass and the age gap has been nice, the older two play nicely together and are independent in many ways so it hasn't been as stressful as a close age gap. I'm on maternity leave so I drop the older 2 off to school and have the day to sort out the house and look after the baby x

Sail0r · 11/02/2023 14:26

We are a similar age with similar aged children and decided against a 3rd a couple of years ago. Reflecting now I am so glad we did stop at 2! I love the age and stage my 2 are currently at. I finally feel I’m getting me time again and I’m looking forward to time with my husband in a few years time. Plus my children sleep in now, they are independent in ways a baby/toddler isn’t!

Saying a 3rd around 38/40 with a big age gap is not uncommon where I am. I guess you’ve got to weigh up how much you want a 3rd child!

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Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:28

I have two healthy teens and feel very grateful. As they've got older our holidays and family activities became much more adventurous and fun!

I honestly can't see a reason for two parents to have more than two children, especially not to fulfil your children's wishes to have more - they can have their own children!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2023 14:29

Yep, mad - you are just free of the baby stage. You’ll be plunging back in and setting yourself up for siblings with a big age gap, which is hard work. Stretching out your time between three, especially of different ages, is a lot and can cause resentment. You’ll be scuppering your chances of earning more - which if you don’t own a house yet you need to (else where will you live when DH retires??

I think lots people get this when they are starting a new life stage. Try to avoid being pulled backwards. And maybe get a puppy..

Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:30

I finally feel I’m getting me time again and I’m looking forward to time with my husband in a few years time

Yes! I look forward to being able to travel outside of school holidays with my husband once the kids are off!

Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:33

You and your husband are in your mid 30's with 2 kids. At this stage you and him should be saving as much as possible and aiming to buy you own home and not having another baby.
Get your kids a dog instead of a baby.

And save the money for your children's education and your retirement.

Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:34

Why are you not happy and fulfilled with your two current children? What is missing in your life?

AnotherEmma · 11/02/2023 14:35

Also, if children like the idea of a younger sibling to play with, perhaps they could spend more time with younger cousins (if they have any?) or friends with younger siblings? My two love other people's babies and so do I, I especially love giving them back Grin

Pinkfrogs45 · 11/02/2023 14:36

Not an opinion as we are in the same boat trying to decide. However picture yourself at 65 you have retired sat in your arm chair or plating up a Sunday dinner. How many people do you picture if your full family came. Would you be happy and content with 2 or 3 children visiting and sat around you. Would you be sad and slighlty regretful with 2 or 3 people. Picture the dining table and does it feel full. I think that gives you your true feelings. It’s taking the leap that’s the hard part.

margegunderson · 11/02/2023 14:37

Apologies if I've missed this but why do YOU want another child? You've said your children would like a baby and you've been through the practicalities but what's driving this? And don't think about the baby but the third child and teen and in fact adult in your life.
I had a third with a larger gap - not as big as yours would be - and although I'd been ttc it was a shock and I was properly depressed for a while. Babyhood was tricky because DC was a tricky baby. Wouldn't be without number 3 now but it undoubtedly had adverse effects on our lives and family dynamics. Said child is now at uni.
I think I worked out that I did 17 years of the school run and 22 years of parents' evenings.

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/02/2023 14:37

The main question for me op is what happens if the baby is not born healthy
And has additional needs?

Weallgottachangesometime · 11/02/2023 14:44

I have kids similar age to yours and am late 30s. No way would I start again. I live being able to do more now the children are older- more active holidays, visiting cities etc.

However I just remember the baby stage as awful and tiring. If you enjoyed the baby stage I can see why you would be more tempted to have a third.

only 2 points I would make are-
1)ignore what the kids think. It’s really irrelevant since they have no real comprehension of what a third child would mean in reality for every day life. They’re probably just thinking of having a cute baby to push in a push chair or show their friends. if you do it, do 100% because you and partner want to.
2) how stable are your jobs. Sounds like your household income is ok, but would your husband be able to find another similar wage if he was made redundant etc? Is your housing stable? Can you cope with the price rises that are due to come. The financial situation on the moment would be my biggest question mark. It wouldn’t stop me having a first baby, but it would make me think hard about a third!

Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:54

Pinkfrogs45 · 11/02/2023 14:36

Not an opinion as we are in the same boat trying to decide. However picture yourself at 65 you have retired sat in your arm chair or plating up a Sunday dinner. How many people do you picture if your full family came. Would you be happy and content with 2 or 3 children visiting and sat around you. Would you be sad and slighlty regretful with 2 or 3 people. Picture the dining table and does it feel full. I think that gives you your true feelings. It’s taking the leap that’s the hard part.

What my husband and I might do aged 65 really should play no part in our decision about how many children we might have.

Our adult children may live far away or even abroad, they'll hopefully have their own fulfilled lives. Of course we'd love to see them once in a while, but it's probably rare for all of them to come all at once...

The decision of how many children you have should be based on your current circumstances, not some idealised dream about the future imo

Pinkdafodils · 11/02/2023 14:58

The financial situation on the moment would be my biggest question mark. It wouldn’t stop me having a first baby, but it would make me think hard about a third!

Yes. Parents desperately wanting a child is understandable. But when they already have two healthy children, wanting an additional one seems harder to understand imo

JussathoB · 11/02/2023 15:04

If you really want to try for a third, I think now would be a good time before the gap gets bigger. Ensure you can complete your studies so you will be able to work full time in the future though.

Emmamoo89 · 11/02/2023 15:05

Go for it 😊

TheaBrandt · 11/02/2023 15:07

God why? you’re about to get your life back. Have fun with your existing children having a gap like that will limit what you can do with the older ones. We stuck at 2 same sex similar age means you can do so much as a family

Boredofthislife · 11/02/2023 15:08

I’d say no but that’s just because I’ve had my third 9 months ago and I’m exhausted. Im over the baby stage! Bottles nappy bag car seats in and out the car. Having to pull over all the time because he’s had enough of being in the car.
Eurgh couldn’t pay me enough to do it again!

Guavafish1 · 11/02/2023 15:08

Do it

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 15:11

I think you'd be crazy to have another. You're in such a great position now, and you should be focused on buying a home, not having another mouth to feed. Enjoy what you have and focus on providing your existing children with the best life possible.

Janbohonut · 11/02/2023 15:11

I adored the baby stage and still look back on those years fondly but having stopped at 2 life is easier now - holidays are affordable, I can work more, the kids are at a good age for doing things and we can go out for a meal for example and quite enjoy it. Plus getting my sleep back was life-changing.

Kids get louder and hungrier and actually not that much easier once the schooling gets serious, plus you'll be older. Having said that you are still young so would be reasonably free by 50 and could focus on your career when they are a bit older.

If I'd had a third (or fourth) I would have managed and adored them. I do sometimes think of that third child with a pang - I know I would have felt 'done' at three, but I also know that 2 was perhaps all I could manage. And I am fortunate that they are both healthy, touch wood.

You are in a position to buy a home, or a rental property, with your savings and current income. I would do that, and keep working towards your other goals. You're in a good financial position to buy but that may change if you have a third (or twins!) from the bank's point of view, so you would be wise to get some kind of property and then think about a third.

And then TBH I'd go for it and see what happens.

SunshineAndFizz · 11/02/2023 15:19

Get your kids a dog instead.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 15:22

My children have been begging me for a baby brother or sister

This is never, ever a reason to have another child.

Infinitebows · 11/02/2023 15:27

If you can afford it then I would say a billion times over just go for it. Think of yourself in another 5 maybe even 10 years time - would you look back and wished you had gone for it and maybe yearning the possibility of another child still? If the answer is yes then now is the time, if you doubt it then you're probably good as you are xx

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