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Original poster

Thinking of having another baby… are we mad?

102 replies

RollercoasterRayRay · 10/02/2023 20:24

DH and I are considering having another baby. Here are the circumstances.

We have two children age 9 and 6. We have £20k in savings but don’t own a home. DH earns a salary of £45k a year but has subsidised accommodation as part of his work package. He also earns an additional £1.5k a month just now but that will only be for the next 18 months. Then his salary will return to just above his current salary, maybe £48k ish. I earn about £12k working part time.

Im 2 years off completing a degree (studying part time) and will be able to work full time once that’s complete.

DH and I are both mid 30’s.

Would having a 3rd child at this point be a bad idea? I would be entitled to a good maternity package of 6 months full pay, then statutory.

Opinions much appreciated.

OP posts:
Euchariahere · 11/02/2023 18:38

I'm on the fence. However, if you choose to do it now is the time. Mid thirties is not no spring chicken in terms of fertility and obstetric outcomes.

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 18:42

I think you should get on housing ladder while you have the extra income coming in & also finish your course. Then have a baby in couple of years time. The gap would be slightly bigger but the kids are already at different stages anyway.

toomuchlaundry · 11/02/2023 18:45

How secure is DH’s job? Lose that and you lose income and a home. Easier to house 2 kids than 3

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LadyKenya · 11/02/2023 18:46

TwilightSkies · 11/02/2023 16:39

Don’t let the children sway you. It will be YOU doing all the hard work. Pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, the crying, more laundry etc

I wouldn’t do it. You’re at a good place now so just enjoy it!

This. The reality of a new sibling needing lots of attention will not even be on their radar, either.

consideringachange · 11/02/2023 18:57

I've got pretty much this gap -- a baby born when older two were 7 and 9. It's absolutely lovely to be honest! But I was desperate for another and couldn't believe my luck that DH finally agreed and that I wasn't too old (was 41). Still can't believe it and he's 9 months old. Enjoyed everything about it so much more than with the first two and they are both thrilled. One bit I hadn't expected is how doting all their friends are as well. My younger son has some friends with baby siblings still but my older son doesn't and they all compete to see him after school. If you both want it I would go for it.

mamabear715 · 11/02/2023 19:39

What a lovely post, @consideringachange

aonbharr · 11/02/2023 19:52

I would do it, you have had 2 babies, you know what is involved, you have the experience, if you are prepared to do it all again then go for it. Money wise, it sounds ok. I wouldn't worry about the age gap. I have 3, all with a close age gap and this does not mean they naturally get on! I fact 2 of them don't and I think it is actually harder.

DeedlessIndeed · 11/02/2023 19:58

What are your pensions like? Are they enough to leave you comfortable and cover the increase in rent after you/DH retire? Or do you plan to buy in the future?

If the age gap doesn't concern you then why don't you pause for a bit to get yourself into a bit more of a secure position. Finish your degree and get a foothold into your new career. Plough the additional 1.5K a month from DH into savings. You'll have a decent deposit by this time. At that point, re-consider the baby - if it's still what you want then go for it.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 11/02/2023 20:03

If you want one, have one. You'll be going back into the fog and your age gaps will be pretty big, if that doesn't bother you, go for it. You are mid 30s so it's now or never really, you haven't got forever.

mumoffourminimes · 11/02/2023 20:08

You are stable and secure. I would say go for it if your heart tells you too.

Your first 2 DC will have their lives enriched by the gift of a new baby. My 7yo is absolutely besotted with my baby. It's a really lovely age gap.

amispeakingintongues · 11/02/2023 20:10

Just do it. Life is short.

I sense this isn't all about what your kids want, that you're mentioning their feelings to give us some context. But honestly either way, if you and your DH want to do it and you have a decent income then why on earth not!? Best of luck OP

FlippyFloppyShoe · 11/02/2023 20:14

My parents did this many years ago, big age gap. In all honesty it was awful for the relationship I had with my mum because it was always baby, baby, baby as I was going through significant changes in my life and I felt I didn't really have much of a mother after birth of third, because after the baby turned into a toddler and then got older we were told 'but you are old enough to fend for yourselves and X' is just a baby/toddler/young child etc etc. And then my mum hit menopause and was just totally irrational.
As a positive I was close to my Dad because of lack of having a mother during late junior through high school.
I am a mum now and aside from the reasons above, the most fun times with my DC have been from about 7-12 don't make them miss out of your time and attention

strawberry2017 · 11/02/2023 20:16

I personally wouldn't. Your kids are at the lovely stage of having more independence, been able to do things for themselves. I think you forget how hard the baby stage is. How because of the age gap the baby is going to struggle to fit in with its siblings.
I think you should enjoy the ones you have. Work on your career that you have studied so hard for and move forwards.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/02/2023 20:19

Yes, as a mother of three I deem you mad.

Don't do it.

wedonttalkaboutyouno · 11/02/2023 20:19

We have a similar age gap, and love it!!! It has been so nice going back to the baby stage, and the older DC are absolutely besotted with the toddler, and would quite honestly do anything for him. We were unsure, but it has been the best thing we ever did.

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 21:15

You are stable and secure. I would say go for it if your heart tells you too.

But they're still renting. I don't know that's totally stable nowadays & it is more expensive to rent. To get 25 years mortgage they need to get on housing ladder.

StopGrowingPlease · 12/02/2023 00:13

If you and your partner both want another child then you absolutely should go for it!! I have a toddler and don't plan on having another child until he is 5 or 6 so there will be an age gap but the way I see it is that once he is in school and more independent I will have the time to do everything I did with him with his future sibling!!

I find it odd and quite sad that a lot of people seem to have not enjoyed the baby toddler stage as I find it all pretty magical as he is growing and changing all the time and there is always so much new and fun stuff to do with him 🥰

As for the comments about owning a house, we probably won't ever be able to afford to buy my life priority is giving my little one (and hopefully future little one) all of me and the best childhood experiences possible ♥️

Stompythedinosaur · 12/02/2023 01:21

It sounds mad to me. I think your older dc would be giving up a lot for the new sibling in terms of what the family will be able to afford to do.

What happens if your dh changes job and you lose the accommodation?

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 02:07

I wouldn’t worry about the age gap. My Dsis and I are 7 yrs apart and we got along well enough. And my parents travelled just fine with both of us, didn’t restrict us too much except maybe at amusement parks every other holiday was fine.

I probably wouldn’t do it because I hate the baby/toddler stage and I hate paying for a carer as it’s so expensive.

Clouds3898 · 12/02/2023 02:13

monitor1 · 10/02/2023 21:04

I think you'd be mad. At least 7 year gap - massively restricts the holidays, activities etc you can do as a family as you'll always be held back from doing things suitable for the older ones by having to include a baby. Your household income is fine but not that high. The impact on your existing kids will be significant in terms of the time, money etc you have to spend on them. No way would I TTC in your position.

This

Pinkdafodils · 12/02/2023 07:29

I have a toddler and don't plan on having another child until he is 5 or 6 so there will be an age gap but the way I see it is that once he is in school and more independent I will have the time to do everything I did with him with his future sibling!!

But school takes up only a small part of the overall time - the majority of time as a family you'll have to cater to two very different ages. That makes family activities much trickier imo. Much easier if your kids are closer in age.

ClearMoth · 12/02/2023 07:35

Yes, you would be mad. Get your children a hamster instead.

In five years' time, when they are teenagers who would only be irritated and inconvenienced by a 4 year old sibling, the hamster will be dead.

Also, then you can actually finish your degree. Rather than getting halfway through.

TheaBrandt · 12/02/2023 07:41

Remember being on holiday in Ireland when kids mid primary. We were doing pony trekking all 4 of us. Was another family there with 2 same age kids as ours but also a screamy toddler. We had a fab time all doing the activity together their family the mum stayed behind with the toddler dad had to go on his own it all looked very stressful.

So glad we stopped at two. Now they are teens I couldn’t imagine having to deal with a younger one as well. We do so much fun stuff travel / festivals / theatre etc as a four as they are similar ages and interests.

closingscore · 12/02/2023 07:43

Sounds bonkers to me. Why do you want another?

rexythedinosaur · 12/02/2023 07:47

I think it depends on your DH's job and how secure it is. For example if the accommodation subsidy were to stop and you had to rent normally, would you still be able to afford your life?

For me it would probably be a little financially risky as you don't own a place so there's always an insecurity there.

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