Thinking of having another baby… are we mad?

[RollercoasterRayRay]

DH and I are considering having another baby. Here are the circumstances.

We have two children age 9 and 6. We have £20k in savings but don’t own a home. DH earns a salary of £45k a year but has subsidised accommodation as part of his work package. He also earns an additional £1.5k a month just now but that will only be for the next 18 months. Then his salary will return to just above his current salary, maybe £48k ish. I earn about £12k working part time.

Im 2 years off completing a degree (studying part time) and will be able to work full time once that’s complete.

DH and I are both mid 30’s.

Would having a 3rd child at this point be a bad idea? I would be entitled to a good maternity package of 6 months full pay, then statutory.

Opinions much appreciated.

I have a 9 year age gap between mine (we just have the two) - I think you're mad and often wish we'd stopped at one!

It's a logistical nightmare as the kids don't do anything together so I feel like I have two only children if that makes sense.

It's difficult isn't it because as much as we try to rationalise these situations sometimes ours hearts get the better of us. It can be difficult to step back and reflect.

What are the benefits of having another? At what cost? Financial? Mental health? Time? Career? Home? Energy? Activities? Family time? Time to yourselves when they have grown? Love? Family bonding? All now and in the future.

I had a bigger age gap with my last. In some ways they were everything I didn't know I needed. The love and excitement again. In other ways it was so much more exhausting to the point I just felt ill for a really long time. It has delayed my career and work life by a mile. Whilst my older children have been totally in love with their younger sibling it has taken it's toll on our family. Especially the early days.

It is difficult having to take a younger child around everywhere for them too but those days soon get easier.

Do you think with time you could make peace with sticking with the 2? Do you think you might end up grateful that you didn't go ahead? Or would you regret it? It is hard to tell what our future selves might think but I reckon you will look back and know that either way you made the right decision for you at the time so please don't worry too much about having regrets.

I'm not sure what owning your own house has anything to do with lol..but hey if you want another why not? I stopped work we rent and hubby works we have a teenager and 3 covid babies who are lil monkeys but I wouldn't change it. Yes we cut back a little nothing major just cheaper holidays and cheaper cars now and it works and we get a lot less than those wages. Do what works we are 35 and having the time of our life with these kids right now loving it.

Same for us wanted 2 more and got 3 haha

My sister has a very similar age gap with her 3 but they love it. She was 36 when he was born. Baby is now 18! Be prepared for baby to sleep in the car lots on the way to rugby or gymnastics etc. on holidays sometimes the two older ones would split and do some activity whilst the other parent would take the wee one to the park or similar then they’d regroup. He’s mature for his age but can definitely hold in his own in the family. It was a bit hard for him when from Y8 he was effectively an only child as siblings were at uni but he adapted to the quiet. Definitely the two older ones came back more during holidays to see him than they might have done. If finances work and you’re both on board I would go for it!

I'm mid forties so a bit older than you. I also spent time wondering about a third.

I'm SO glad now we didn't, our children are adults now. They both needed lots of time during the teenage years and they were expensive too, they both wanted to study at university. I enjoyed the freedom to do more things as they got older, trips to the cinema, theatre, city breaks.

We are now able to enjoy our life as a couple, travel, push forward in our careers and save for our retirement.

I think if your hearts are telling you to have another baby, nothing we say will matter! :-)
Btw six years between myself & only sibling & we are very close.

What you will likely find is that due to the gap you will want to give the baby a sibling and end up with four DC instead of three. Two sets of two.

You’ll never regret having one more, but will you regret not having another? Maybe….

You’re financially stable with great career prospects so no reason you can’t.

These comments about age gaps make me sad. Sometimes people don’t have a choice about age gaps due to fertility issues or family circumstances. I’m one of them with a big gap. It’s not all doom and gloom. My kids have a beautiful bond and we make family days out/holidays etc work. We also have lots of one to one time with each child.

Don’t let the age gap put you off.

Anyway, this decision is literally no one else’s business!

I wouldn't. My two are 12 and 7. We have so much more freedom and life is so much easier than when they were younger. We have lots of time for them and we enjoy active holidays, family trips to the theatre and to sporting events that we just couldn't do (or wouldn't enjoy anywhere near as much) with a baby.

Personally I’d finish the degree then see how you feel. It’s so easy to neglect your own progression with children and personally I’d use this time to put yourself first.

After the degree is completed really the only opinions matter are you and your dh. So do what is right for you both.

A line in a Fay Weldon book struck me “life is for living not just passing on”. Leave the baby years behind and move on.

@RollercoasterRayRay we were in a similar situation and similar enough ages as like you we had our two kids in our twenties. The one thing that would put me off is the renting. It will be very hard on your wages to get mortgage approval with three kids especially when you have a teenager.

I started my second year masters on mat leave and had to defer. It was bloody hard work and that was with a 2.5 year old and a newborn. What is your degree in as I would imagine it is a similar amount of effort required and you will have 3 kids that need your time.

The ages of your older kids might put me off as well but that is because my cut off for another child was my first being 8.

I'm not saying don't have another, full disclosure I now have a 10, 7 and 20 month old so I know that longing of wanting another.

Don’t let the children sway you. It will be YOU doing all the hard work. Pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, the crying, more laundry etc

I wouldn’t do it. You’re at a good place now so just enjoy it!

You’ll never regret having one more, but will you regret not having another?

That's not true. Of course you will love all your children once they're here, even if you have 10 or more.

However, you can't ignore the emotional and financial costs of additional children on the family, especially when there's such a large age gap. The existing children will receive less attention and time during their important teenage years, your careers will likely suffer and you'll have less money for education and retirement.

Yes! You've experienced this stage and have two beautiful children. Enjoy the next stages in life as your children grow up!

@Pinkdafodils I can’t agree, particularly If you’re financially secure. If you feel the pull for one more and you go for it, you’re not going to regret it.

I have a large gap and my teenager still receives ample love, attention, help with school work and anything else she could possibly need. Her dad and I are a team. We often deal with one child each when it’s needed.

Our younger child is 3, and if the God’s smile favourably and IVF works we will be adding one more to the family. My eldest will still get all of the love, attention and care that she needs. That’s non negotiable.

I do see your point, and to be honest if I had a choice I wouldn’t have had this gap - but infertility doesn’t discriminate and it was out of our control.

You make it work. If that need for a final child is there you just make it work.

I definitely wouldn't. Quit while you're ahead. Keep life and finances straightforward. Two is plenty, plus the future environmental catastrophe is very real. The planet's future is concerning, to say the least and much of it is caused by overpopulation.

I’ll end up with a large gap due to work commitments. I have an only who’s 4 now, I’ll probably have another when he’s 7. I didn’t want a gap bigger than 5 years, but in general an age gap doesn’t bother me. Dp and I both have a sibling 9 years apart and neither of us were impacted negatively (he was the oldest, I was the youngest- we both had good experiences). The ‘starting again’ thing does bother me though. The toddler/pre-school years have worn me down (having a baby was lovely haha).

I just think you should do whatever is best for you and your family. Having another baby can be a lovely benefit for lots of reasons. Obviously, if that’s what you want in your heart too. Dp was 9 and his sis was 7 when he had his baby brother- they’re best friends now they’re adults and he wouldn’t be without him. In fact, both siblings are closest to the baby of the family!

I think you have to have a baby when you want it and try not to let the financial situation be too much of a blocker.

I think not having a baby because of temporary circumstances could be something you come to regret a lot in future. I'd say just do it. You seem to have your financial situation under control.

@RollercoasterRayRay

Had my second when first was 7 and third when second was 5.

They all get on and are very close.

It gave me individual time with each one and although the nights were hard with non sleepers which dragged on due to the gap it wasn't forever

Not gonna lie it was hard at times but I have friends that had three very close together and I much preferred it the way I did it.
They were constantly harassed and skint and wished the time away which is such a shame.

We bought a people carrier with a bench seat for the back rather than individual seats.

At one point we had one In a full car seat,one In a booster with a back and one on just a base booster.

All fitted fine with pram or pushchair chucked in the boot and loads of room inside the car.

I was 31 when I had my third.

I did find it harder than when I'd had the others energy wise but it was fine

I don’t think you’re mad to consider but personally I’d want to complete the degree and start working. Another thing to consider - the activities you can now do with your 6&9 will be made more difficult with a baby. So could end doing less with them or not all going.

Another thing to consider - the activities you can now do with your 6&9 will be made more difficult with a baby. So could end doing less with them or not all going.

Yes! Every year we were able to do more fun and adventurous activities and holidays as a family. Children grow up so quickly and so it's great if you can enjoy doing age appropriate things together. Especially once they're teens, holidays have become such fun. This would have been very difficult if we had a toddler in tow...

I think you missed the point of this. It’s a psychology technique used to allow you to stop thinking about all the minor pros and cons then look at the bigger picture. Decisions can sometimes be jumbled with minor issues when people over think and panic.

I didn’t say all your kids are going to live round the corner and life will be this perfect dream. That’s not the point of this visualisation.

I wouldn’t. I have 3 but closer together. My SIL has a 8 year age gap between DC2 and DC3 and it’s a right pain in terms of activities etc. I think it’s different logistically to having 2 with a large gap, because you can’t split up one parent per child as there are 3 of them.