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Original poster

I finally have a second date this week, wahoo!

125 replies

Lookingforlov3 · 06/02/2023 22:04

As the title says, I have a second date planned later this week, and it’s the first second date I’ve been on in years!

Had a spell of first dates recently which never made it to a second date (even though I thought they went well).

So any tips on how to have a good second date most welcome! We kissed on the first date so am hoping there is chemistry there…

OP posts:
ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg · 09/02/2023 07:26

Agree with everyone else. I hate playing games but honestly, from a hefty amount of experience, just leave it.

Even if you end up in a relationship now, it’s going to be on your mind that you had to chase him after you had sex and the power imbalance that creates will be a feature of your relationship forever.

If you like him, ignore him. Or just text and tell him you had a nice night but you’re looking for something different, and wish him well. That will focus the mind!

Savoretti · 09/02/2023 07:27

Just read the thread
Don’t message him again!!!

he has told you all you need to know by not messaging you, and only politely replying a few hours later

Eviebeans · 09/02/2023 07:29

consider how you truly feel about it.
Is this someone that you really like and want something to develop with in the long term? Was the sex absolutely amazing?
or is it a case of feeling that you ought to pursue it because you’ve slept together?
I didn’t get the sense from your first post that you were completely into him… but maybe I read that wrong

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Beansontoast45 · 09/02/2023 07:40

Don’t message him again. You messaged first, that was a perfect opportunity for him to reply with “I had a great time, do you fancy xyz at the weekend” he might still get in touch but the ball is in his court.

Wishimaywishimight · 09/02/2023 07:52

OP, I don't know how old you are, I'm in my 50s and there a few things, if I'd learned them earlier, would have saved me some heartache; a) listen to your gut/instinct - it knows! b) look at actions not words - people can say anything, words mean nothing without actions backing them up and c) don't chase someone who has 'gone cold', it shows you are willing to put up with crumbs and that is all they will ever offer you.

I agree with others - when a man wants you he leaves you in no doubt. My DH was as shy/nervous as anyone I had ever met but from the day we met (at a bus stop!) he knew he wanted to get to know me and made sure I knew it.

Good luck OP but please think about what you want, not what he wants. I bet this is not it.

Curriedpeanuts · 09/02/2023 08:01

PPs have said about men losing interest when women are liberated etc etc etc

I don't think it works like that, but what I do think is this:

Men work differently to women. Sex is a physical thing that can happen quickly, but getting romantically interested in someone takes more time. After sex men feel a bit like 'been there, done that' and pull away - this is a hormonal thing that just happens. It's like before sex they are a balloon, puffed up with anticipation and the sexual draw. Having sex pops the balloon.
The lure of sex is what subconsciously helps keeps them moving forward and motivated to meet up and get to know someone and over time they get more interested in /connected to the person.

If sex happens quickly then they have reached the biological goal without any attachment having built up first. The balloon pops. And then, unless they have had a blinding flash of love at first sight, that tends to be that.

Women, however, have more oxytocin released after sex which makes them more attached to the person they had sex with.

So if a woman wants something to last, it's better to wait. Nothing wrong with having sex in the first couple of dates if that's what you want, just be prepared that it might kill it off.

OP, I'm sorry but just walk away with your pride intact. He is being polite and letting you down gently by taking a few hours to reply. It's possible he might get in touch again, but not very likely, so forget about him until/ unless he does. All the talk about a 3rd date was when his balloon was still inflated with anticipation.

FebName · 09/02/2023 08:03

Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 07:18

Thanks all again for your advice.

I don’t know what to do. Don’t know whether to reply but keep it casual but also drop in the idea of hanging out again if he wants to. Or whether to just leave it…

I can not say this enough!

LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT!!

I've been OLD for 7 years (on and off), and have learnt never be the first one to message, especially if you've had sex.

I know it's too late and you've already text him. But he's not that into you my darling. But he'll keep you on a line in case nothing better comes up.

When it's right you'll know. They're excited to see you again. As you are excited to see him.

He's not asked you any questions or arranged to meet again.

As PP mentioned this isn't playing games, this is the reality of dating in the 2020s.

I've had probably over 200 online dates, over the years. But just recently I've found someone.

It was worth the wait! No games - just fun, laughter, trust and passion.

Chalk it up for experience and when/if he texts you for a hook up in a week or so. Just decline.

It's solid destroying dating nowadays, but there is someone for you.

Don't overthink it, in fact don't think about him again. He's just not that into you.

Good luck.

delayedtrauma · 09/02/2023 08:14

Don't message him. He will absolutely contact you if he wants to go on a third date. You've already reached out once, that's enough.

Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 08:59

Thanks for the replies.

Unfortunately I did reply this morning dropping in a line about seeing each other again if he wants to. I tend to have this pattern of seeking out rejection so I know? I can’t seem to walk away with my pride in tact. I tend to fear that there will be nobody else who will like it.

maybe I am just not emotionally prepared to date…

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 09:33

Oh I feel so crap now 😞

OP posts:
WeCome1 · 09/02/2023 09:35

OP, at least you know and can move on. When you find the right person, you not playing games wont matter. So you haven’t messed anything up.

Suprima · 09/02/2023 09:36

Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 08:59

Thanks for the replies.

Unfortunately I did reply this morning dropping in a line about seeing each other again if he wants to. I tend to have this pattern of seeking out rejection so I know? I can’t seem to walk away with my pride in tact. I tend to fear that there will be nobody else who will like it.

maybe I am just not emotionally prepared to date…

You really shouldn’t have texted him, but you know that. Be very careful of what he does next, as it’s clear he isn’t interested, but still might ask you on an impromptu ‘date’ in the future because he knows sex is on the table and you are keen as mustard.

Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 09:48

@WeCome1 I just sometimes wonder if I will ever find a nice man who is interested past the second date 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 11:13

Still anxiously waiting for a response…. 😬

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 09/02/2023 12:03

Hey OP I wasted so much time in my 20s and 30s pursuing the wrong men (ie ones who just weren’t into me but I thought they were just playing it cool/playing games). I read a book that changed my whole understanding of men - “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt which was so eye opening (and also v funny)! I’m not saying I immediately stopped wasting time on the wrong men but I at least could then tell which ones were genuinely interested and those who weren’t. As PPs have said - if a man is into you they won’t mess around or pretend to be cool!

All of the relationships I’ve been in have started off so effortlessly, you know? (Btw I have been happily settled with my current partner for nearly 10 years and it was super keen on both sides from the start)

TreadLightly3 · 09/02/2023 12:13

Also if you are having some issues getting past a first date, some of my friends swore by “Have him at hello” by Rachel Greenwald which is a result of research into what women think they conveyed about themselves on a first date with a man and how it is so often received very differently by the bloke.

I’m afraid I agree with PPs that you should hold onto your dignity and let this one go. The right one will be along soon xx

Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 12:58

@TreadLightly3 thank you so much, that’s wonderful advice! I will definitely read those books. I haven’t heard back from him since I messaged this morning saying it would be fun to see each other again, so I’ve kind of come to terms with the rejection now I suppose…

I am 30 this year and never had a long-term, serious relationship, so my my mind is having a bit of a panic 😕

OP posts:
TreadLightly3 · 09/02/2023 13:10

@Lookingforlov3 that’s not so unusual you know, and doesn’t mean anything. Think about it like this - you won’t need to have had a trial run when you find the right guy.

Meanwhile, console yourself with the many threads on here where women discuss not having met their DP or DH until late thirties/40+ and still gone on to have a family, etc.

I met my partner at 39 and had my son at 41 without IVF - lots of women are similar. The bottom line is - stay active on the dating scene when you feel up to it but don’t panic as that will not help you meet the right guy!

Tamarindtree · 09/02/2023 13:33

Curriedpeanuts · 09/02/2023 08:01

PPs have said about men losing interest when women are liberated etc etc etc

I don't think it works like that, but what I do think is this:

Men work differently to women. Sex is a physical thing that can happen quickly, but getting romantically interested in someone takes more time. After sex men feel a bit like 'been there, done that' and pull away - this is a hormonal thing that just happens. It's like before sex they are a balloon, puffed up with anticipation and the sexual draw. Having sex pops the balloon.
The lure of sex is what subconsciously helps keeps them moving forward and motivated to meet up and get to know someone and over time they get more interested in /connected to the person.

If sex happens quickly then they have reached the biological goal without any attachment having built up first. The balloon pops. And then, unless they have had a blinding flash of love at first sight, that tends to be that.

Women, however, have more oxytocin released after sex which makes them more attached to the person they had sex with.

So if a woman wants something to last, it's better to wait. Nothing wrong with having sex in the first couple of dates if that's what you want, just be prepared that it might kill it off.

OP, I'm sorry but just walk away with your pride intact. He is being polite and letting you down gently by taking a few hours to reply. It's possible he might get in touch again, but not very likely, so forget about him until/ unless he does. All the talk about a 3rd date was when his balloon was still inflated with anticipation.

That’s a terrific post and one I am pleasantly surprised to see on Mumsnet.

Original poster
Lookingforlov3 · 09/02/2023 13:51

Thanks again for some good replies.
When I asked him back he seemed a bit surprised and taken aback, and said he was basically trying to make decisions not based on his sexual desires. I don’t think he expected to have sex that night…. so the going cold bit is just a bit rubbish as I did think we had a good date!

OP posts:
Suprima · 09/02/2023 14:02

Tamarindtree · 09/02/2023 13:33

That’s a terrific post and one I am pleasantly surprised to see on Mumsnet.

Show quote history

I agree. It is excellent. Some great books have been suggested too @Lookingforlov3

The majority of the dating advice on here tends to be harmful ‘you go girl!!!’ nonsense.

OP- for someone who has online dated a long time, you are very emotionally invested in this man who you have been on TWO dates with.

Men (unless they meet the woman that gives them that ‘blinding flash of love at first sight’, as a pp put it) see online dating as a sushi conveyor belt. Bit of this, bit of that. Even the ‘good guys’, because they can. Because it should be fun and easy. They go out on a date and they’ll want to either see the woman again OR think ‘not for me’ OR shag her and think ‘not for me’.

If we are going to emulate a male behaviour- it should be this. Multiple dating, not getting attached, building a connection when someone proves themselves to be worthy. Not getting emotionally bogged down with someone you have known for 7 hours and has been texting you whilst he’s been taking a shit or bored at work

Your posts radiate pleasing this man, when at this stage it should be about ‘how does he please me?’ ‘What is good about him?’ ‘What does he do for me?’

Your eggs should not all be in one basket.

You have essentially told him that they are, groomed his ego and have chased him over text- you look desperate and he might be back to sniff around when he wants a 9pm drinks date conveniently close to his flat.

Some actual advice? (And I am an OLD veteran- actually married to one of the first guys I met, but I dated multiple people until he asked me to be exclusive)

  • do a hobby that makes YOU feel good. A running club, a book club, whatever. This is a part of your week and is not moved because one dusty bloke wants to meet you on a Wednesday night.
  • make steps towards being someone you would want to date. This energy can allow you to meet people IRL, particularly if the gym or volunteering or a part time course gets you out in the world.
  • make a checklist of some non-negotiables, both looks and attributes. Don’t compromise. Only swipe for that. You don’t need to settle.
  • a man who you need to ask out is a man who isn’t interested. If he doesn’t ask for a date within 24 hours of chat, don’t stress about him. Leave him in your inbox. Onwards and up. Move on.
  • don’t text first. You are busy and important. Game playing it may be- but we have the most to lose. Let him chase.
  • don’t shag them. Just don’t. If you really can’t wait and feel safe after a few dates, let them please you. But let things blossom and fizzle. Don’t pop the balloon.
BurntOutGirl · 09/02/2023 14:19

Sorry... but you sound very desperate to have a man in your life.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/02/2023 14:26

BurntOutGirl · 09/02/2023 14:19

Sorry... but you sound very desperate to have a man in your life.

Don't be so mean, OP is feeling shite as it is, she doesn't need posts like this

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 09/02/2023 14:30

BurntOutGirl · 09/02/2023 14:19

Sorry... but you sound very desperate to have a man in your life.

Sorry, not sorry, right? Do you feel better after that bitchy little dig?

Onwards and upwards OP!

BurntOutGirl · 09/02/2023 14:36

TakeYourHatOffBoy · 09/02/2023 14:30

Sorry, not sorry, right? Do you feel better after that bitchy little dig?

Onwards and upwards OP!

Show quote history

Actually you're right... I'm not sorry.

I don't understand women who can't function without a male presence.

And that can come across as desperate... resulting in the woman analysing every interaction and replaying every conversation they had ..... instead of chilling and being relaxed in the man's company

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