Toddler cancer diagnosis “every parent has something to worry about”

[Calmondeck]

I’m currently in denial about a cancer diagnosis my 20-month-old received yesterday. He will undergo a general anaesthesia 7am Monday morning for a full examination of the extent of the tumour.

IRL, I have only told my best friend who responded with “well I’ve looked up the cancer and it seems there is a very high survival rate. So this will just be like all of the other things all of the parents we know are dealing we. We have (insert her baby’s name) respiratory issues, (friend’s baby) has hip dysplasia, (another friend’s baby) has food allergies. You’re not alone, we’re all coping with something”.

I won’t know until tomorrow how bad the cancer is, or what the treatment is going to look like… but her reaction made me wonder… does having a child with cancer really feel like that? Like just another childhood medical issue? At this stage I feel numb and like our universe is about to be flipped on its head.

Does anyone have experience with infant cancer?

You must be going out of your mind with worry. Only you will know if she’s normally a nice person who tried to say something a bit clumsy to try and put a positive spin on things to make it more manageable or if she’s someone who is generally a bit of a twat. If the latter, you don’t need friends like her in your life. If the former, she might have just said something a bit stupid trying to be helpful.

People say the wrong thing sometimes, OP. It’s such an awful piece of news to contend with and that can really make any one of us say something bizarre. I wouldn’t sack her off if she’s otherwise a good friend.

I’m so deeply sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

I am a childhood cancer survivor. I have impaired hearing but otherwise a happy and healthy life… albeit with a lot of tests and check ups!

My thoughts are with your family.xxx

Avoid the friend.

And certainly do NOT rely on her for support. She’ll be the type who dismiss any worries, anxiety you might have about your child.

And btw NO CANCER IS NOT THE SAME THAN CHEST INFECTIONS ETC….
Sorry for shouting but it really isn’t. Don’t let her make you believe it’s in significant

((hugs)) I hope the procedure tomorrow goes well and gives you some very reassuring answers.

I am not comparing a cancer diagnosis to it but since you mentioned surgery alone being a huge deal you might be interested to learn that hip dysplasia meant both my daughters had been for surgery three times before their first birthday. It's not comparable to a cancer diagnosis at all. I thank my lucky stars every time I take them the the children's hospital that it's treatable and shouldn't affect their long term quality of life. But it's not a walk in the park either.

Jesus Christ your friend is a knob!!!

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's shit when anyone gets a cancer diagnosis but especially cruel for children and babies.

I'm sure the doctors will look after your little boy, we are here if you want to talk but also ask the hospital for support groups info as they will have lots of information to support you as a parent during this difficult time.

Sending lots of love to you.

She was horribly insensitive and shouldn't have said that right now.

There are some parents who can an do go through life threatening conditions of their children, which people are very casual and dismissive of, and it can be really hard to cope with.

Some children will go through their whole life having to check every label, or even every environment otherwise they could die from allergies.

Many children can and do die from respiratory conditions. We started needing blue lights from ds1 being 4 months, it's absolutely terrifying.

So while your friend shouldn't have said that, she isn't completely wrong, but It's not a competition, your friend should be there for you.

I hope everything goes well for your DS on Monday 💕

She got this one wrong, but I suspect it was coming from a good place.

I would never ever say this to someone who was dealing with a new diagnosis in a toddler, as that is awful and horrifying.

BUT, between DH and I, our parents have had cancer 8 times, 7 of which resulted in a full recovery. Cancer is a big, scary word - but in reality it's a word that covers lots of illnesses, from a mole removed under local anaesthetic to truly horrendous diseases. PILs have had cancer 3 times between them, and are both in a considerably better position than his aunt who has needed three hip replacements and struggles with pain and mobility many years on - but "cancer" sounds so much scarier than "arthritis".

Sometimes, the word cancer makes things seem scarier than they need be. I suspect your friend was trying to reassure you that this will likely be a bump in the road, that you will look back on with a healthy little boy (who won't even remember it!).

If she doesn't have form for being an insensitive arsehole, then I would view it as her being ready to face it head on with you, and not being scared to discuss the topic with you. She may really come through for you.

@JenniferBarkley (and others)... I don't disagree that cancer for some reason often elicits far more sympathy than other equally (if not more so) devastating conditions... For reasons that I don't fully understand but I expect often relate to ignorance. However, I don't think how the friend handled this was totally bizarre, but was hopefully a strange moment of clumsiness if they are normally compassionate

(sorry, a stray "don't" crept in!. I do think the friends response was bizarre and unsupportive)

Good luck with the surgery and beyond OP 🤞

I hope I’m completely wrong but when people say something as minimising as your friend it’s often their way of rationalising in advance why they don’t need to offer support.

Whether from this friend or others, I hope you have lots of support around you during this

Also, the other thing I would flag - what's your friend's experience of cancer?

As I said above, DH and I have plenty of experience - a genetic condition on my side, several cases on his and also he works in cancer research. So the word is very much a normal word in our house and doesn't cause our stomachs to do the flip thing that it does for many others. (Obviously, the idea of our DC being diagnosed is a completely different prospect, but I hope you know what I mean.)

Was your friend possibly trying to be the voice of experience?

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, your world has been turned on it’s head and knocked you for six. A cancer diagnosis is hard for anyone,
never mind a toddler.
Your friend was rude and tactless, she didn’t have to say those things to you.

Aww love all of those issues ARE NOT the same as a cancer. All of those don't have the potential to be life limiting and all don't have to have the horrendous chemotherapy and invasive surgery.

You of course will be in shock and you friend is bang out of order. I hope you get some real life support to help you through this horrendous time.

My son has various health issues. At one point he was admitted into hospital as the gp suspected leukemia. Luckily for us it wasn't but that 3-4 hours waiting for blood tests to come back were the worst few hours of my life including all the other health issues he has dealt with before and since. Of course its not like the day to day stress of parenting.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and hope it goes well and you have good news soon.

You know what they say, times like these you know who your friends are. If it was me, I'd be furious, you are going through every parents' worst nightmare, its comparable to other life changing illnesses but you shouldn't have to compare it to anything. Your "friend" is a dick, you might find she's chosen a hill on which to kill your friendship sadly. Maybe just see what happens but I'd concentrate on your son. Don't feel you have to pander to her by minimising, not talking about it or letting her take you on a night out to detract from the issue of what you're facing (another passive:aggressive tactic I've seen used).

Next thing you know she'll be telling everyone how she supported you ...

Hope tomorrow goes as well as it can and there is better news and better support around the corner.

What your friend said doesn't sound comforting but she's there, she's with you , she's trying . She said the wrong thing but she had obviously been researching the condition and trying to help .I can see why you were annoyed but it's such a shock to everyone I'm sure . See how she responds as your LOs treatment progresses. Just hope the wonderful doctors can get this . And hope your friend finds better words xx

I agree it is a very misjudged attempt to look on the bright side by putting it on a continuum. Very, very misjudged but - unless she's got form - I would say quickly and quietly 'DF, I think you're trying to make this seem less unbearable by comparing this to other childhood ailments - but actually it feels invalidating and that I am not being heard by you or allowed to be more fucking terrified than I've ever been in my life, which I am. Can you not do that anymore?' And when she says (unless she doesn't, in which case dump her) 'oh god sorry sorry sorry' just say 'it's fine, let's move swiftly on and not talk about it, I know what you were trying to do and it's fine.'

Oh I'm so sorry, I'm sure you're shocked to the core
Your friend is a totally insensitive idiot. There is no comparison to minor issues and all she needed to say is " i'm sorry and I'm here for you"
I hope tomorrow's investigations give you some idea of the way ahead

Fucking hell! No experience of childhood cancer, but I can't in a million years imagine comparing other childhood medical issues to that!

I may well try to be positive and quote stats if they were good, but I'd never try and diminish another's parents fear or situation and I don't think many people would.

She sounds like she was in shock. If she is normally a decent friend I would try and ignore this. People sometimes say strange things at times like this.

I'm so sorry. Your friend was very insensitive but it sounds as if she was shocked and trying to be positive for you. I hope it all goes as well as possible tomorrow.

Just to add though, some of those other issues are not necessarily minor. Respiratory issues can be very serious and some respiratory diagnosis have a high mortality rate.

So sorry about your child and definitely not like a regular illness at all and completely inappropriate of your friend to say it.

I have cancer and you find out who your friends are. The one I thought was closest to me had this type of reaction - one amazing comment was when I told her they thought could be at stage 4 and she replied with sounds like everything is going well.

I would give your friend another chance but there are some people who run a mile at the word cancer. Thankfully there are others who will be there including people completely new to you. There are support groups of people in similar situations which can be good though you may need to turn them on and off. With my friend I think she was so terrified of the same happening to her she denied it happening to me. This could be what your friend is having. But that is the last thing you need. All I can say is if she doesn't change spend time with people who are supportive.

I've been there. My child was 3 years old at diagnosis. It's not like most conditions, the shock, the suffering they go through, the life changing consequences of treatments. I wish you all the best.
However, what I did learn is that people react differently and some people can't handle it. If she is supportive from now on, I would forgive her. If not, stay away as she will drain your energy, and you need that for your little one. I hope it all goes as well as it can 💐❤️

I suppose your friend was trying to say other people have things to deal with, but still, cancer is no way comparable to those conditions.

The word cancer does seem to bring out the worse in people. I’ve had C myself, people are sacred of the word and people certainly show their true colours, you’ll find those that are supportive others will scurry off.

My advice is to join some groups for the type of cancer your son has, you’ll hopefully find some support through them.

I hope you’re able to get some answers tomorrow and get a treatment plan in place. Sending a virtual hugs 💙