Toddler cancer diagnosis “every parent has something to worry about”

[Calmondeck]

I’m currently in denial about a cancer diagnosis my 20-month-old received yesterday. He will undergo a general anaesthesia 7am Monday morning for a full examination of the extent of the tumour.

IRL, I have only told my best friend who responded with “well I’ve looked up the cancer and it seems there is a very high survival rate. So this will just be like all of the other things all of the parents we know are dealing we. We have (insert her baby’s name) respiratory issues, (friend’s baby) has hip dysplasia, (another friend’s baby) has food allergies. You’re not alone, we’re all coping with something”.

I won’t know until tomorrow how bad the cancer is, or what the treatment is going to look like… but her reaction made me wonder… does having a child with cancer really feel like that? Like just another childhood medical issue? At this stage I feel numb and like our universe is about to be flipped on its head.

Does anyone have experience with infant cancer?

Jesus Christ that’s a particularly shitty reaction. I am so sorry you’re in this stressful situation, love to you and your baby.

Sorry to hear this, I hope tomorrow goes ok. Hugs to you and your darling boy 🐻

You must be out of your mind with worry, I wonder if your friend was just trying to sound positive?

Please come back here and let us know how things are going - we will support you even if your RL friend is a bit wet about it

That’s the kind of shit my sibling would say. If you mention a worry about a broken arm, ‘well at least it’s not two broken legs, a fractured spine …. fuck knows what other shit example they’d come up with’. No contact now for about seven years and never been more delighted.

Whar your friend has said is not accurate. The word cancer is extremely scary for everyone. Prognosis is obviously very dependant on the type of cancer so there’s a chance she is trying to make you feel better by suggesting the cancer you’re discussing is very treatable. But she isn’t supporting you well and my advice would be not to lean on her.

There’s some excellent supportive threads on here so my suggestion would be to use this site. Hugely knowledgeable people and someone available to hold your hand 24/7 ♥️

This must be agony for you all op. People can say the stupidest things. You just concentrate on yourselves and the very best thoughts to you all.

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and that your friend handled it so badly. Some people just don’t seem to have the capacity to respond empathetically in these situations.

my close friend died very suddenly and I was talking to SIL who was very matter of fact and lots of “well she wouldn’t have known and there was no pain” (er I think she probably did know) and lots of annoying “when your time is up it’s up so make every moment count i’d much rather go the way she did than have a drawn out illness”

I don’t think she meant to be dismissive but it really pissed me off at the time. I just made a note that she’s not one to go to for emotional support.

I'm sorry to hear of your DC's diagnosis and I hope you get the best possible news when they can assess further.

Difficult to know whether your friend is a massive dick or just very socially inept, and trying to make you feel positive about the situation. She definitely doesn't seem like the person to support you through this, so I would keep communication with her minimal for a bit.

Cancer is such a scary word and especially at the stage you are in now, the stage before you really know what you are dealing with. It doesn't matter how small or treatable the cancer is the word is terrifying when you hear it used about a loved one, especially your child. If she is usually a good friend I hope she comes good again. In my experience she is doing what a lot of people do when they hear of the diagnosis of someone they know, they minimise it to try to be helpful (but it really, really isn't).

No, I don't think it feels like another childhood medical issue and I think your friend is either very stupid or completely lacking in empathy.

I haven't had experience with infant cancer but my sixteen year old son had a neuroendocrine tumour. The fear I felt was unbelievable when we got the diagnosis completely unexpectedly. We didn't tell him initially as he was studying for exams and we told him the day before the appointment. It terrified me that the doctors had asked for both of his parents to be present. It was difficult keeping up a good front when I tended to get tearful every time I looked at him.

My son was "lucky" in that he picked up some infection which mimicked the symptons of appendicitis. He had his appendix removed and they found the cancer in the appendix. The cancer was small, clearly defined and seemed not to have spread outside the appendix. It asymptomatic - it was the infection that caused the symptoms. A lymph node next to it was up though - that what's they had been feeling rather than the appendix. The scan showed that the lymph node had shrunk down again - it had been fighting the infection, not the cancer. We have been told that in future it is very likely that this will be nothing more than an interesting footnote in his medical records. He didn't require any chemo or radiation treatment.

I hope the news that you get is reassuring and I will be thinking of you.

I agree with some PP that she was possibly trying to be optimistic but in a very clumsy way.

Also pointing out to PP who have mentioned hip dysplasia, that the treatment for this can involve months of gruelling therapy, lower body casts, wheelchair use etc. Definitely not a minor condition for lots of children.

I think the key is that you can never compare medical situations and the only thing to do for someone discussing their possible life changing diagnosis, is to offer a friendly ear, not wade in with 'but we all have crosses to bear...'.

I hope your son is well and completely recovered soon OP

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and dump that friend, just have no further contact. She sounds dreadful! A good friend will help you make dinner, or listen to your worries over a coffee, or sit next to you in hospital.

I don't have experience of cancer in children but from general life experience I can only advise to take this one step at a time, don't get sucked into looking up survival rates or whatever else. Everyone and every situation is different. Just focus on your little boy and yourself (and your DH/other children if there are some). Trust the advice of the experts. Ask for help from people around you who you can trust and rely on.

Sending you a virtual hug and a handhold for tomorrow.

i think i would have to say you're really hurt and feel her remarks were very insensitive, even if she meant well. And that she might want to think a bit more carefully in future.

Your friend is a twat. She sounds like a very competitive parent. I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your child.

You are absolutely right in that last paragraph. It’s dismissive. Describes it perfectly.

I'd ignore her clumsy attempt to help. Only other parents with a child who has or has had a cancer diagnosis will understand. You may well meet many of these during treatment and really they will be your best supporters. Maybe there's an on line forum for parents in your situation? It's a horrible time for you and you need lots of understanding family and friends around you.

I'm so sorry OP, how incredibly shitty for you all. I will be thinking about you tomorrow and sending love your way.

As for your friend, some people just shouldn't ever speak.

Woah, go easy on the friend. She's probably in shock herself and trying to be supportive.

Who can honestly say they would have the perfect thing ready to say to a best friend in this situation?

OP, don't write off your friend for one comment.

I'm so sorry you're facing this challenge. I wish you and your family all the best. Your friend is not wrong that childhood cancers have a very high percentage of positive outcomes, and they are improving all the time.

I used to work in the cancer space and something someone told me that I found helpful was to remember when you are looking at 5 year, 10 year etc survival rates- remember that your odds are even better. The 10 year survival rates reflect people who received the best treatment 2013 had to offer, the treatment being given today has 10 years more research and evidence.

Take care of yourself. And if your friend is bringing you meals and supporting you in other ways, try not to write her off for one poor comment.

I’m open mouthed at the response from your friend.

Cancer is not on a par with food allergies in any world.

She sounds callous and unfeeling.

Cancer is a life changing and momentous thing. Sending you all the love and really hope everything goes ok tomorrow. You must be terrified.

Who can honestly say they would have the perfect thing ready to say to a best friend in this situation?

No one is saying they would have the perfect comment but any person with even an ounce of sympathy would have just replied with a general that's awful please let me know if you need anything, even if it's just a coffee and someone to talk to.

No one with any respect for or kindness towards their friend would respond with well so and sos kid has asthma and wotsits kid can't eat diary so your child and circumstances are nothing special.

I am so sorry you’re going through this, it’s like no other pain in the world. My DS was diagnosed at 8 months but thankfully was treated quickly and effectively. He was left with an irreversible physical change but it’s a small price to pay to have him here.

My advice would be to take it one day at a time and to accept any and all support, particularly if there are parent support groups for this particular cancer.

Sending you lots of love and do PM me if you’d like to talk to someone out the other side.

I'm sorry op , that must be so hard and I hope that your child will be alright. Take one Day at a time and I hope mumsnetters can be much more sympathetic and have some advice better than
Your friend has.
There is a trend to minimize things I've found
Yes, other people have had things happen, but this is happening to you and your child and knowing about other people doesn't help matters at all. You need reassurance , not this type of chit chat :(
I know what you mean and it really doesn't help anyone does it ?
Wishing you and your child all the best

She didn't say 'you're nothing special' she said 'you're not alone'

She was trying (badly, very badly) to support OP. To frame the unthinkable as something manageable. It was the wrong move, absolutely.

But I don't think it was necessarily for a lack of caring.

I think it should be viewed in context of how she is as a friend otherwise. It's one misfired comment. Some people say the wrong fucking thing but then they show up with a lasagna every week and fold your laundry when they drop it off.

People are supportive in different ways.

It's the lack of a filter in conversations that gets to me
I bet that if it was your friend going through something similar or her relative , she'd expect a lot of reassurance It appears that making things ' lesser ' is a bit of a trend, I've had it happen to me too ( although not about cancer tbf ) and it did rankle a bit. I'm Not sure how some people get away with it to be honest!

I could not be friends with someone like that. The only acceptable response from her should have been an empathic one, in which she did not try to make it about herself.

To try and give her the benefit of the doubt, this may have been a incredibly clumsy way of trying to be positive for you. She's obviously had at least a very quick look into the type of cancer you're dealing with.
If my friend was dealing with this, I would have mentioned the good prognosis for sure. But definitely not the other things. Maybe, 'it's just a constant worry with kids' if I felt like I had to to say something like that - which I'm still not sure is appropriate.

I would feel like the bottom had fallen out of my world, it's not just another childhood medical issue to deal with.
I'm so sorry you and your child are having to deal with this.

She didn't say 'you're nothing special' she said 'you're not alone'

Unless you're the friend you cannot know that was the intention. The message absolutely reads as everyone has something they are dealing with your child having cancer is just one more of those things and that sounds very much like your situation is not special to me and I'm guessing I'm not the only one to read it that way.