Toddler cancer diagnosis “every parent has something to worry about”

[Calmondeck]

I’m currently in denial about a cancer diagnosis my 20-month-old received yesterday. He will undergo a general anaesthesia 7am Monday morning for a full examination of the extent of the tumour.

IRL, I have only told my best friend who responded with “well I’ve looked up the cancer and it seems there is a very high survival rate. So this will just be like all of the other things all of the parents we know are dealing we. We have (insert her baby’s name) respiratory issues, (friend’s baby) has hip dysplasia, (another friend’s baby) has food allergies. You’re not alone, we’re all coping with something”.

I won’t know until tomorrow how bad the cancer is, or what the treatment is going to look like… but her reaction made me wonder… does having a child with cancer really feel like that? Like just another childhood medical issue? At this stage I feel numb and like our universe is about to be flipped on its head.

Does anyone have experience with infant cancer?

That’s a horribly thoughtless thing to say to a friend with a baby with cancer imo. Yes we all have something to worry about but i think most parents worst fear is their child having cancer or similar. I’d be sending my love, thoughts and prayers to you if you were my best friend op, sometimes it’s ok to just not have the right words but saying something is important even if it is a virtual hug and offer of any practical help and support.

so sorry you’re going through this op, I hope you have other support and love at this time and your baby has a positive outcome, I’m a paeds nurse so have supported many parents with very unwell children so take any support or help you’re offered and try to look after yourself too. ❤️

It might well have been the intention, though, just put across badly. Yes, it could sounds like 'your situation isn't special' and I'm sure many people do read it that way - possibly even the friend after she'd thought about it again.

Sometimes people really do just say stupid things in the moment. I have. People have to me. It doesn't mean they are completely crap friends though. One of the ones I'm thinking of is kind and generous in other ways. But I have learned not to talk to her about certain things because her response always sounds kind of dismissive to me, whereas another friend is very easy to talk to in a supportive way. But even she sometimes just gets it wrong. I have said things to someone and realised later how awful it might sound, or how self-centred, or whatever. I didn't mean it like that, but I can see how it came out or could have possibly been interpreted.

So I think it needs to be evaluated in the context of her friendship as a whole. Yes, crass, and not what OP needed in this situation. Totally uncaring and unsupportive? Maybe or maybe not. Perhaps she will be the one who is thinking of OP and wondering what she can do to help in the longer term - I'd not judge her forever on this one comment that might have come out wrong; I'd see how she is going forward.

And I am very sorry to hear that you are going through that, OP, and I hope you do have supportive friends who respond in more helpful ways. And I hope that this friend is actually a good friend to you in the longer term as well. Good luck for tomorrow.

Your friend has really minimised what's happening. The surgery alone is a huge deal. Allergies and dysplasia don't compare imo.

I’m so sorry to hear it. Good luck for tomorrow 💐

If my best friend’s toddler got a cancer diagnosis, I’d be devastated for them. I certainly wouldn’t be comparing illnesses like that.

My nephew had a cancer scare recently, he is just a bit older than your child. The type they thought it was has a very, very high survival rate and as far as cancers go is probably one of the least scary. That didn't make it any less terrifying and worrying for all of us but most of all his poor parents who were in bits. And that was just a scare not an actual diagnosis! So no, it is not the same as any other medical condition its horrifying and you probably feel like your world's been turned upside down overnight. Your friend was incredibly insensitive and rather ignorant too. I hope the treatment goes well OP, sending you all the best wishes.

Your friend is a twat. No way is a cancer diagnosis just like 'everything else a parent has to worry about'. It's rare and serious, and you deserve compassion and sensitivity, not an armchair expert who actually knows bugger all! The correct response would have been, I am so sorry, please keep me up to date with his progress and let me know if I can help you in any way.

I hope your kid gets better very soon OP.

My now 8 year old recieved a cancer diagnosis at the same age.

I had some really strange reactions including someone i barely know come up to me in a supermarket and start crying. Helpful reaction when i was barely holding it together.

Your friend probably thinks she is being positive. And showing you that you have to be strong but it is a pretty odd way of putting it.

My sons cancer survival rate was high too. But the risks of having a lifelong complication weren't good. And the worry that comes with chemo due to the immuno compromise is awful. So whilst we had a high survival rate, catching chicken pox led to a 2 week admission and the sickest child i have ever seen and i spent a year obsessively searching everything i could on the internet and even now the worry it will come back is always there.

Of course other people have bad things happen to them but recieving a cancer diagnosis for your child is up there with one of the shittier things that can happen.

I remember that diagnosis was one piece of bad news after another. And then he responded to treatment and every piece of news was better. I hope the same happens for you.

I’m so sorry about your son. It must be a horrendous experience for you all.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago and the waiting for the full diagnosis and treatment plan was terrifying. I thought I was going out of my mind with fear. Until you’ve been through that, I don’t think anyone understands what it’s like.
the other thing that is really hard is dealing with other people’s reactions and emotions. Sometimes people tell you how upset they are and you feel guilty for upsetting them and then other times they behave like your friend and minimise what you are going through.
I would just focus on trying to get through today and not panicking too much. I found watching comedy really helpful when I was waiting for all my initial scans because it gave my brain a break from the terror I was feeling.
I’ve got everything crossed that the results are as good as possible tomorrow and you get the results quickly. Xx

I have a variety of allergies and other health issues and no, that's not the same as cancer!! Holy hell.

I am mum to a 3yo with a 'sort or cancer'. As in, it's in her brain so its serious, but its slow growing and rarely spreads, so isnt considered malignant. Treatment is surgery, and sometimes chemo and radiotherapy, and we are under oncology care. There are malignancies with higher survival rates than this, but we are also quite lucky compared to where we could have been.

When it was diagnosed, we didn't know how aggressive it was - it could have basically either been the one it was, or one that's pretty much terminal on diagnosis, and we had to wait a week for the lab to confirm which.

So I've been to that absolute deep hell, the terror of that initial conversion. I'm not sure whether your friend was being misguided or minimising, but right now it doesn't matter. She's not helping, so just surround yourself with those who help not hinder.

Wishing you and your little one every luck in the world. You are allowed to be scared. You are allowed to lose it sometimes (except when they are in front of you and awake, that's the only time you have to put on a brave face)

I agree with this. I think she is trying to normalise and process this horrible thing to help you get through it. Doesn’t sound malicious just her way of trying to support you.

Wow, thats incredibly insensitive. Only you know this friend and will have a better idea than we do if that's just her way. I'm guessing you weren't expecting that response from her though, so no.

I'm sorry you and your family are facing this. When you feel up to it, if your treating hospital don't mention it, please ask them if they are enrolled with the Beads of Courage programme, which can help your son process what he is going through

Your friend is a knob. Having a cancer diagnosis in a child really shows the true colours of your support network. Hopefully this was a blip and she will be a fab support for you going forward. I’m so sorry that you have been given this news.My DS was diagnosed with cancer at 16 months old and we spent 6 months on an oncology ward. It really does turn your life upside down and it is incredibly tough. What made the difference for us was the support big and small from family and friends. Best advice I can give- take it day by day, there’s nothing more you can do. Also be easy on yourself, remember to eat and sleep and get fresh air so you can be strong for your ds. Take any support offered, family and friends making food for freezer and to take into hospital is a godsend. Sending lots of love

Hi, having a child diagnosed with cancer is nothing like any of those things. Your friend is clueless as to what it’s like to be plunged into the oncology world. I know parents of children with ALL often get told they have the “good type of cancer” as it has one of the highest survival rates, as if they should be happy their child has years of treatment ahead of them and as if they aren’t allowed to be terrified their child won’t be in the tiny % who don’t respond.

I hope you have some other friends who you can turn to? It’s a scary world and your ‘friend’ has been so harsh on what must be one of the worst days of your life. Let yourself feel whatever you feel and be kind to yourself

What she said isn't great, but I wouldn't judge a friendship based on one remark. If she is otherwise supportive and caring then I would try not to write the friendship off.

Your 'friend' is an insensitive twat at best and a cruel witch at worst.

Only you know if she was trying to play it down to try and reassure you (as in is generally supportive and caring) or if she's one of these that's only interested when it's her who has the difficult thing to contend with.

But no, cancer and hip dysplasia aren't on the same level. Even not all cancers are on the same level.

Could you text your friend? Something like

"I appreciate you may have been trying to ply down the cancer as a way to stop me worrying. But this is cancer. The next few months and years will be a hard journey for us as a family. If you don't feel you can support me appropriately at this time I think we should cease contact - I'm going to need friends around me to appreciate the enormity of what we are facing and can acknowledge that".

Best of luck for the op and results. Please use this thread for support or start one in childrens health. MNers are known for being brilliantly supportive to families going through huge health journeys.

Unless she is normally like this I would try to chalk it up to her trying to say something supportive and getting it horribly, horribly wrong.

I know it's not the same but it's surprising how many times we've had "oh we're all a bit autistic aren't we?" when we share our son's autism diagnosis. People are trying to be inclusive and not realising how minimising it sounds.

I hope you get the best news you can tomorrow.

So Sorry to hear about your little ones diagnosis & adding best wishes to those of Ops. Unfortunately tines of crisis in our lives are when we often find out who are true friends, some you thought close will disappear while others you think of as acquaintances will surprise you & really step up to support you . Best wishes xx

This is how I would rationalise things to myself.
"It's just another illness. One day we'll look back on this and we'll be able to remember how scared we were, and be so relieved it was ok in the end. We were scared when he was hospitalised with suspect sepsis. We've coped with his asthma and food intolerances. We'll manage this, too!"

It's determination and hope, really.

I'm sorry you're scared, and that your friend's attempt to be comforting and reassuring was so misjudged. I expect her mind works like mine, and she was trying to help you frame it optimistically.

@Calmondeck
I'm so sorry for what you're going through you must be in complete turmoil, I sincerely wish you all the very best 🙏💙
I would struggle to think of this person as a friend now, playing child illness top trumps with you at a time like this, dismissing what's happening to you, that's not the response of a true friend.
I would just quietly drop off her radar and focus on people who are truly supportive.

Your 'friend' is a dick and no friend

I am so sorry. you must be going out of your mind.

I hope and pray that the news you get tomorrow comes with hope for successful treatment.

There is lots of support out there, I'm sure the hospital will be pointing you towards it.

Wishing you and your family all the best

'One remark'??

The woman is supposed to be her best friend!

If that's the best she can do she's best away

Your friend’s reaction is not normal. I am sure that most people would not react in that way.
Good luck for tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.

Oh God I don’t think your friend was trying to be mean - this sounds like something I might (wrongly apparently!!) say if I was trying to sort of talk someone out of spiralling into panic, in a sort of ‘everything’s going to be okay, this will all just be a bad memory one day’ sort of way. It sounds like she was trying to minimise it so that it didn’t feel so overwhelming for you, sort of like taking it and saying ‘oh no don’t worry about this, this isn’t that scary I promise’ and trying to squash it into a smaller box to make it more manageable for you. Obviously in this situation it turns out that’s not what you wanted her to do but some people are bad at just listening and have to try and ‘fix’ instead. I’m SURE she meant it with kindness. And I’m really sorry this is happening to you.